I Am Jane's Catharsis

I am Jane yoyo-ing

2010-10-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling dreadful,

Managed to push it all out by noon.

Psyched myself up by evening,

came home only to be kicked hard in the ass.

Fell right down into a place that somewhat felt like hell,

Read an e-mail,

Bounce right back up.

I know what I want.

You all just don't give me the space to execute it.

Let me grow.

Stop smothering me.

On a side note, I'm so vengeful that I haven't forgiven my uncle.

Don't think I ever will.

I'm still so angry.

So angry that I refuse to attend my cousin's wedding.

Bite me.

He decided to put my life in danger everyday.

I think I'm not obligated to 'give him any face'.

I am Jane's stupidity

2010-10-04T09:19:00.001-07:00

At the risk of sounding arrogant,

I know I'm intelligent.

And I know I knowingly do stupid things sometimes.

Bite me.

I don't feel like I need to explain my stupidity.

Find your own Stupid.

This one's mine.

I am Jane, trust me

2010-10-04T09:18:00.001-07:00

I never forgive.

And I definitely never forget.

I'm vengeful.

Whatever.

I am Jane's new level of low

2010-09-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've had a self-actualizing moment.

I miss them.

Days when I finally see through the whole layer of dust after digging deep into the unknown.

Days when things weren't exactly alright, but it made sense.

I know I have a lot to write down,

but I really can't get it out in words.

The emotions,

the feelings,

the pain,

the doubt.

Sorry I missed out week two, three and I suppose, four.

As you can tell, it has been hell for me.

Worst of all,

I have no emotional support now whatsoever.

Just pieces of strings dangling around.

Every one I pull risks not being a secure one.

Heck, to find one that's firmly tied is next to impossible now.

All I can say is I'm not at peace with myself.

As Ezra says, I have no direction.

I kind of lost it when I achieved the first one.

Nothing got me as motivated.

Now everybody tells me that I know what I want,

I know where I want to be,

It's just at the back of my head.

But the thing is,

even I can't bring it out!

Even my blog sucks now..

I used to have depth.

So much that I didn't need width..

Now, all I have is shallowness and emptiness.

Basically..

I suck..

I am Jane

2010-09-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

All I want to say is....

FUCK MY LIFE

I am Jane's First Week

2010-08-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?

I am Jane's Statement of Financial Position

2010-08-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

The problem with decisions is that they stem from choices.

The problem with choices is that sometimes you have to forego other choices.

The problem with foregoing other choices is that you miss out on other opportunities.

If you want, I could draw a tree diagram for you.

But it's all common sense, so I'm not going to belittle your intellect by doing so.

A year ago, I had a dream.

A year ago, I wanted to go places.

I wanted to take a break.

I wanted to give my brain a rest.

But Banum is right,

if I had taken up a job at operational level,

I would have drove myself up the wall.

Who knows, my IQ level would have dropped 100 notches.

As it is, I'm already becoming dumber thanks to the people I work(ed) with.

And then there is opportunity.

And then there is coincidence.

It was a coincidence that this was the only resort who was willing to hire me.

Like I said, I had an impressive CV.

So impressive that everybody else refused to hire me.

It was by mere chance that the HR manager showed the Financial Controller my CV.

But I never knew what he meant for me to do until I met him face-to-face.

For all I know, he is the only person who knows what ACCA is.

Call it pure coincidence, or maybe it is written in the stars.

My horoscope says that I am to have 'great career opportunities' this year.

And that I will meet a workplace mentor who will be able to spur me further.

Now, I've been screaming my whole life about how everybody goes "You have potential"

but never do anything about it.

And here comes a man, who is willing to give me all the opportunities in the world.

So much so that at this very moment, I am so very afraid that I will let him down.

In comes my confidence level.

I've been so beaten down my whole life that the ground I walk on seems wobbly.

I blame the people around me.

But I know for a fact that even if they do take the fault,

there is no one in this world but my own self who can help me rise up again.

Ms Jane,

You are inferior to none.

You yourself determine the level of authority you possess.

Show them who's boss and they will start respecting you.

Start acting like the personnel you should be and they will follow suit.

Tell me one thing that they have that you don't?

Statement of Financial Position as of 22 August 2010

Assets

Non Current Assets

Youth

Paper Qualifications

Creativity

Intellectual Property

Current Assets

Theoretical Knowledge

Partial Application of ACCA knowledge

Marital Status

Willingness to learn

Willingness to take criticism

Equities and Liabilities

Equities

Time

Freedom/ Willingness to travel

Non-Current Liabilities

Future Job Prospects

Current Liabilities

Low self-confidence

Poor health

Ability to handle idiots

As an accountant, I have to believe that my balance sheet will balance. But I would like to see a drastic increase in my 'assets' soon, and a corresponding increase in equities, not liabilities.

This started out as a temporary arrangement. But I believe that God has a plan. I want to believe that he put me here for a reason. I want to believe that I can do wonders here, no matter how impossible it may be. I pray he will give me the strength to persevere, I pray he will put in place the proper people who will be able to guide me.

I would say that I have had a narrow escape this last week. I wouldn't say that it was a terrible ordeal, but it definitely was an eye opener. I thank God that my boss here is very understanding. He is a man of great wisdom, and experience. I hope that he will be able to teach me great things. When I leave the company, I want to be three quarters the professional he is. I thank God that he is able to advice me both professionally and personally. I pray that he will continue to assist me in any way he can. I want so badly to learn.

I know that miracles don't happen overnight. I want so badly for this nightmare to end.

Thus, I hereby promise myself that I will make an effort so that at the end of the day, I will be able to look back and think "At least I tried". The company might not be the most ideal one, but the person in charge has his head screwed on properly. I want to learn from this great man. Hence, I give myself four weeks from Tuesday onwards to clean up my act here. I will make the best of this four weeks. I hope that by the end of this four weeks, I would have learnt something, we would have worked things out, and I would be able to go back there and start implementing them bit by bit. I hope that whoever the next general manager is, he'd be better than the last, and that all this problems we have had this year (which are not even related to me) will be smoothen out so that I won't have to deal with ridiculous things such as having to chase after housekeeping and laundry boys.

I am Jane's bad idea

2010-06-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

This was a bad idea.

Please.

Seriously.

You thought you could do this whole sit still shit?

Oh God,

I'm beginning to doubt how much I know myself.

I hate you!!!

Why do you do this to me?

Now you've disappeared again.

I swear to God.

You intrigue me.

You intrigue the hell out of me.

I can't figure you out.

And it's bugging me.

I am Jane's Confusion

2010-06-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

Are you calling because you care,

or are you calling because you have to?

Are you calling to see how I am,

or are you calling because you want to rub it in my face?

Heck, I don't know why I even give in to you and your whims!

Why do I even pick up your calls.

Why are you doing this to me?

Can you please cut the crap?

I've learnt my lesson.

You've made your point.

Can we now please go back to normal?

ARGHHH...I swear to God.

Even I hate myself now.

I hate how I'm acting and whining about you.

NO ONE messes with my head.

NO ONE makes me feel like that.

I don't want YOU to be the first one.

God, give me a sign.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can solve this once and for all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc7W8Q-g9Lg

See I don't understand how you're number one

When it was just a fling before

Now you're the one.

Akulah Kenangan Terindah Jane

2010-06-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

Ayang,

Arini sya terbyg tm ayg duk2 sblah sya.

Ayg sgt syg sya tm tu.

Sya x tau ke mana gi nya sume rasa kasih syg itu.

Mmg sya x dpt tpu dri.

Sya mmg rindukan ayg.

Rindu sgt2.

Bab ngan ayg, sya x perlu risau pape.

Sumenye ayg yg jaga.

Sumenye ayg yg tlg rasa marah tuk sya.

Dgn ayg, relax je.

Cam dunia ni x wujud.

Yg wujud hanya kitorg

Sya teringat ayg tibe2 pegang tgn sya,

belek sini belek sana.

Pastu tergelak sniri.

Rupa2nya ayg cari2 tahi lalat sya.

Org kita same hingga tahi lalat pon nak same gak.

Hairan tol.

Suke gile sye tgk ayg tersenyum lebar.

Ayg pernah janji nak kasi letak byk2 gambak kat facebook.

Bab ayg nak tgk sye happy.

Ayg tau sye happy bile tgk ayg senyum lebar2.

Bile tgk ayg senyum,

hati sye rasa sejuk je.

Rasa cam, sumenye pon leh lupe.

Sya x tau la ke mana gi nya sume janji2 ayg tu.

Sya masi x caya ayg kan tpu sya.

Sya tau, stiap kali ayg tpu sya tu tuk kebaikan sya gak,

tpi lambat laun ayg gitau gak sbab sbnarnye.

Tpi skrg, ntah la bape lame sye kena tunggu smpai ayg sudi gitau sya perkara sbnarnya.

Ape mulut ayg gitu manis hingga janji pon jdi cam benar?

Sya x caya, ayg.

Ade bezanya lau sorg to ckap tpu ngan ckap benar.

Sya x paham nape ayg x kasi sye chance tuk memahami ayg.

X tau la ayg.

Tm ayg ade,

ayg x kasi sye dengar lagu ni.

Bab ayg x mau sya jdi kenangan terindah.

Ayg x mau kite berpisah.

Skrg, jgnkan kenangan terindah.

Ayg nak lupekan sye,

lupekan segala2nye.

Tpi sya x leh.

N sya x sudi.

Biarlah ayg tiada di hidup sya.

Tpi sya tetap mau ayg jdi kenangan terindah lam idup sya.

Bkan krn apa.

Tpi bab sya x pernah rasakan hati yg gitu ikhlas pda sya.

Mungkin kita x kan berjumpe gi.

Tpi, ayg mmg lain.

N sya dah letih sgt.

Mungkin ayg syg sya gi.

Tpi ayg rasakan lebih baik kite x bersama.

Sya hormat keputusan ayg.

Ape leh sye wat.

Sye x nak paksa2 ayg gi.

Bab sya paham prangai ayg.

Biarlah ayg,

janji kmu x smpai benci sya.

Sya mengaku kalah.

Sya perlukan masa tuk sembuh.

Mungkin satu hari nti,

sya harap kita dpt berjumpa.

Ayg pernah janji nak trus trang ngan sya kan.

Tu sja yg akan sya minta tm tu.

Bab sya pon ade yg nak bertrus trang ngan ayg.

Ayg amik lah mase brapa lame pon tuk pikir.

Bab sya sniri pon nak pikir gak.

Slamat tinggal, syangku.

I am Jane today

2010-06-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Mornings are the worst.

I wake up,

knowing there is no message from you,

knowing that you haven't called,

knowing that I wasn't the first thing you thought about when you first woke up.

I try to drag waking up.

Because then I'd have less of the day to witness,

to sit and wait around.

I know I'm being childish.

But why shouldn't I?

I don't understand why I should be mature everytime.

Thinking about the positive instead of the negative.

Yeah, I want to drown in sorrow.

Well I'm just being realistic.

I want to face the problem.

I don't want to push it away,

put on a smile,

and pretend that everything's alright when it isn't.

I am addressing the problem.

I don't think I'm that bad a judge of character.

I met Jums a year ago.

I knew I wanted to know him better because I knew there was more to him.

And guess what?

I was right.

As fate would have had it,

we met again this year.

There was way more to him than I thought there was.

As for you.

I don't know.

Right now, every single song I listen to reminds me of you.

You and your promises.

This one,

I guess we were both playing with fire.

"I tried to believe every word of your sweet story,

but intuition keeps telling me

you're making a fool outta me"

Maybe this would have been more appropriate when we started fighting,

when you started drifting away.

You really thought that I wouldn't notice?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing means more than the truth

And the truth is that I realize love is fading from your eyes

Don't know how it came to this but we gonna get it fixed tonight

Coz nothing, nothing, nothing is worth losing you"

I don't know if I still feel that way,

but when I first read the lyrics,

it hit me bad.

Because we promised we'd tell each other the truth.

You and I, we both were tired and sick of the lies involved in a relationship.

Our relationship might not have been a healthy one,

but it was a very convenient one.

It worked there and then.

Maybe it wouldn't work next year.

But I don't understand why you got so afraid.

This is for now.

Your lies are really haunting me,

I know your eyes will give me answers to the why.

I don't know.

I don't believe any of your stories now.

Maybe by doing so,

I'll get even more hurt in the end,

if I find out that you have been telling me the truth all the time.

But right now,

I don't know.

Maybe we will have another shot.

But we both know that we never were for second shots.

Let's see how it goes.

I'm not giving you anymore of my ego.

You have had enough.

It's your turn now.

And oh, boy.

I know how to make you beg and plead.

"See the mirror in your eyes,

see the truth behind your lies,

your lies are haunting me.

See the reason in your eyes,

giving answer to the why,

your eyes are haunting me"

This is how you made me feel,

that's why we worked then.

We can still work.

Because everytime that you do call me,

I still hear how much you care for me in your voice.

You have anger,

you have jealousy,

and maybe you had too much of both.

But deep down inside,

I know that you can't forget me.

That is why you want to go cold turkey.

I don't understand why you can't be honest with me about it.

You know I'll help you.

You know that we'd be able to talk through this.

I guess I've learnt that,

and you haven't.

Maybe one day you will up and realise.

But it will be too late,

because I will no longer be waiting for you.

You are right,

if you didn't care,

you wouldn't bother to call me anymore.

You'd just switch numbers.

That is all I have hanging right now.

I won't push you anymore.

You take your time and think about it.

You take your time to realise that you miss me.

I just hope you won't be stupid enough to drown all that with other things.

Right now, I'm indifferent to your calls and messages.

Knowing that you still make an effort makes a difference.

It is not the substance of our calls anymore.

Come to your senses, boy.

I don't want to be a drama queen,

I just want you to see,

Everything I need.

I am Jane's decision

2010-06-15T02:15:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to leave you be.

I don't want to push you.

I have my own dignity.

And I know you understand me.

I've already given enough of my pride to you.

Maybe if we took a breather,

you'll come back.

I don't want to force you anymore.

Somewhere deep down inside

I know all this is not happening.

Then maybe you will come back.

And we can start a new game.

Remember,

it's only a game.

I am Jane's mood swing

2010-06-15T01:54:00.001-07:00

I figured it all out.

I never would have guessed Sasha would have understood.

Maybe that's how she felt 2 years ago.

I don't know why I let you make me feel this way.

Something inside is telling me this isn't true.

I don't know which hurts more.

The reason for your lies,

or the lie itself.

I only want closure.

Seriously.

Right now,

my intuitions are telling me that it was all a lie.

What you don't know is that I'm lying to you too.

So let's see who gets the last laugh.

Yes, in that way you intrigue me.

Like I said, we have many things in common.

So it's much easier to gauge your actions than you think.

We could have been good together.

Imagine all the mind games we would play.

Right now, I only want to win this one.

I am Jane in the morning

2010-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I hate mornings.

Everybody knows that.

I hate waking up in the morning.

I hate the bright sunshine.

I hate the morning dew.

And now I have a new reason to hate mornings.

Everyday I wake up is like a torture.

Is today the day?

Will I finally snap out of it?

And the worst things is to find out that it feels like today is exactly the same as yesterday.

It feels like time is refusing to move.

What have you done to me?

I'm not myself.

I guess I shouldn't have played with fire.

I was in control of the fire.

But somewhere some how,

the fire spread to an unknown place.

And now I can't find it.

And of course, it's growing bigger and bigger by the day.

All I can do is hope that the area is airtight.

So that one day, the fire will run out of oxygen.

And die on its own.

I am Jane's Insanity

2010-06-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

So I spent about a month moping, and brooding, and letting this person run my life and affect how I feel (no not my mum).

I swear.

I am my worst poison.

But I am also my own cure.

I really don't understand how I work.

One day I could feel like I wish the end of the world would come,

and the next I'd be like F*** you.

Right now, I'm trying very hard to maintain the latter.

I don't really have control over it.

Especially in the morning when I've just woken up.

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again.

But I want my phone back.

So I need that job.

And I need them to call me tomorrow.

I am Jane's possible twin

2010-06-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

We didn't only share the same birthdate.

We had a lot in common.

We liked the same things,

we felt the same way.

We even mysteriously shared the same past,

with the same events occurring in a different sequence.

And we had moles in the same places.

I remember how you pointed them all out.

How we sat and compared moles.

And then laughed about it.

That was my fondest memory of you.

It was traditional.

And I for one am NOT traditional.

But it felt good to be traditional for once.

And I guess it was the wrong timing and everything,

but I actually wondered what was wrong with being traditional,

assuming traditional roles?

I'm not saying that we should conform,

but why bother fighting?

Half of the things I want to say will cause and uprage.

The other half will either want you to disown me or give me a good knocking.

I know all that.

I know the problem.

I know I shouldn't feel like this.

I know I should be grateful.

I know I should let go.

But I can't.

Something is telling me that there's more to it.

And I have no idea why I'm so fixated over it.

It has gotten to a point where it's so sick.

I for one, declared myself sick in the head.

I really thought I was going crazy, not in a good way.

I thought I was losing it.

I thought I was going eccentric.

Maybe I am.

But I need closure.

I want the truth.

That was the basis of our entire relationship.

That and our never-ending jealousy that fueled our passion.

I know I tend to over-analyse things.

If I could, I'd plot graphs and charts out.

I want to know.

Actually I do.

I know the one single problem that caused all this.

But you know the sad thing?

I have no control over that one single thing.

And if the man is right, that one single thing is here to stay for a long time.

What I don't get is why should I work my way AROUND this problem?

I mean I deserve the 50-80 years I have on this earth as much as she does.

So why should I spend 40-60 years NOT being satisfied

Not being happy

and always having to think of the problem?

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of person I really am.

Since that is the deciding factor,

and its absence will completely throw off all dynamics.

I want to know that person.

Because I don't like this person now.

It's not like I've never tried.

In fact, I've been trying too hard.

There are times when I make a point NOT to respond,

but at the end of the day, when something is over,

I come to realise that she was part of it, someway or another,

directly or indirectly.

I've been living like this for the past 20 years

so much so that it's embedded in me.

I do it unconsciously, and even if I make an effort to NOT do it consciously,

I somehow or rather manage to in the end.

You do realise that once she is gone, I might have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't want that at 60 years.

I want to be who I am now so that I can be contented with my self in 40 years.

I know my problem

I know the cause

I know why it affects me

I know how it affects me

I know what it can do to me

I know all this

What I don't know is how to overcome it.

Since my life kind of came in a package with it.

Wei Wei told me that people who believe in rebirth believe that you choose your own parents.

I wonder if I was high while I made that choice.

Again, I'm not saying that she does not love me.

I'm just saying that she loves me in a way that is detrimental to me.

She definitely can't see it.

Have you ever had to pretend to be happy in front of your mother?

I have.

In fact, I've always had to.

And I know that I will always have to.

This fact alone; that my own mother is insensitive to my feelings

that my own mother cannot be there for me when the world is against me

that my own mother tells me that I have to suck up to it when I'm feeling down and all alone.

Think of that.

And think of the person I am.

If I am able to deceive a person who has brought me up for 20 years.

Do you not think that I can deceive anyone about my feelings?

Heck, I'm so good, I can even deceive myself.

I only let you know, if I want to.

And there are times when I want to, and there's no one there.

Because everybody things that it is IMPOSSIBLE.

And that I have no such problems.

I'm so good, I don't know if I should congratulate myself.

If there was a Golden Globe awards at the end of the life, I'm pretty sure I'd be best actress and drama queen.

I am emotionally high maintenance.

And that was the one thing that we didn't have in common.

Maybe it was the age difference.

Other wise, we clicked fine.

And he used to make me all giddy and swirly inside.

I guess I let my guard down, thinking he was harmless.

And now...I've no idea why I feel this way.

I know I shouldn't.

I know I wouldn't.

I know I actually don't.

But I want to and I'm kind of allowing myself, more like making myself brood over it.

I want closure.

I want the truth.

I want to know that I was right.

Maybe its a pride thing.

But right now, to me.

I want to know that I made the right choice,

that I did not misjudge,

and that I am not that kind of person.

After all, we shared the same personality.

It was just so easy with him.

All I had to say was "Imagine if I did that to you".

Or "I'm pretty sure you know how I feel right now."

It was so easy.

And we actually did.

I don't know where it went wrong.

And like his favourite song says:

I've been a fool,

that I know,

didn't expect this is how things would go.

Maybe in time,

you'll change your mind,

now looking back

I wish I could rewind.

I don't regret a single bit.

I gained many realisations in these two months.

But I'm not ready to let go yet.

Not yet.

And I hope he changes his mind.

*****very heavily censored

I am Jane too depressed to blog

2010-06-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am actually too depressed to blog...can you believe it?

I don't want to be a girl.

I don't want to be a boy either.

I want to be androgynous.

A-sexual if I may.

I don't want to worry about boys.

I don't want to worry about girls.

Hmm...I actually blogged.

I have no idea how to unload this heavy thoughts.

It doesn't really hurt.

But I feel unsatisfied.

I can't rest until I've known the truth.

I'm Jane and I'm NOT Fine without You

2010-06-02T07:38:00.000-07:00

Is it a wonder I resist from you

I was the one who fell in this game

Then you took me away from you

Why did it have to happen now?

I'm not fine.

I don't know how to make myself fine.

I feel like dying and I have less than a week till my first paper.

I know you don't care about me anymore.

But your words,

they haunt me when I go to sleep.

The silence,

it haunts me when I wake up.

I am Jane's Maxim the Maxis Broadband

2010-05-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

I swear to earth.

Bloody Maxis broadband was working fine the first week I got it,

which was also the trial period.

And then on the 8th day, it started running ONLY on EDGE network.

And yesterday when I decided that I will not go online until the 11th,

it starts to switch between WCDMA and HSPA...

All I want to say is **&%*&%*^!#@!#*&&^*&^*&%*&

You got that right!

All the wasted bandwidth!

I am Jane, dalam Bahasa Malaysia

2010-05-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Semenjak kebelakangan ini, saya banyak bertutur dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

Jangan tanya kenapa.

Tapi loghat saya sudah berubah.

Kalau dulu dok skolah habak cam oghang Peghak,

Pastu pindah Kay Ell, I speaking macam orang KL plak,

Nau, sudah bunyi entah camne bab campur2, masuk sume dalam mangkuk, gaul wat rojak je.

Sebenarnya, tahun dulu lagi saya sudah berhajat menulis satu entri dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

Tujuannya untuk mengenangkan cikgu tuisyen Bahasa Malaysia saya, Cikgu Ismail.

Entah kenapa, tiba-tiba saja terkenang dia semasa ronda-ronda di bandar.

Mungkin sebab dulu, dia banyak mendorong saya.

Ini saya cakap dari hati, bukan karangan semata-mata.

Saya rasa beliau tidak tahu impak beliau dalam hidup saya.

Sebab selepas habis SPM, selepas dia sudah lagi tidak mengajar saya, saya pun mula menjadi malas, sehingga hari ini.

Kalaulah boleh, memang saya inginkan dia jadi

cikgu saya selama-lamanya, supaya saya sentiasa tidak malas (bukan rajin, cuma tidak malas, faham?).

Kalau belum tahu lagi, saya ini memang degil orangnya.

Sudahlah degil, tidak suka dengar cakap lagi pula.

Saya ini pelik.

Sebab saya hanya dengar cakap orang yang saya suka, atau kalau orang itu betul-betul masuk akal. Yang lain itu, memang tidak hirau.

Sebab itulah saya sangat sayang pada cikgu itu.

Sebab dia itu 'no nonsense'.

Masalah saya sekarang ini, saya tiada motivasi untuk belajar.

Akan tetapi peperiksaan itu sudah mahu dekat.

Dalam otak saya, ingat mahu pergi bercuti dan melancong sahaja.

Tunggulah, dalam lebih kurang 30 hari lagi saya akan berada di sini:

Harap-haraplah kan. Sebab nanti ada pula orang yang pandai hendak menghalang.

p/s: Arini baru sye prasan yg dunia ni bulat. Tau x, lau org to pandai camne pon, akhir2nye kene tipu ngan org yg bodoh gak. Bab otak dorg lain2. So die x prasan lor bile kena tipu.

Hmm...celoteh je banyak. keje x siap2. Sok kena marah suami gi baru padan muke..hehehehe.. Dahla...tak nak online gi dah...tunggu 11June sya balik ok..

I am Jane, the Adult

2010-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

I can't possibly recall the time when I wished this day would come.

A lot has changed.

I've grown

in maturity,

in years,

in size (groans).

I'm certainly no longer the youngest wherever I go.

Although, it was fun while it lasted.

In fact, I was always proud to be the youngest around.

And now I see these babies around me.

Makes me want to be their age again.

Shut up with the pedophile jokes.

I've received enough as it is.

Shabnam made up a new one, in fact: Coudophile.

Sounds cool, but really isn't.

At 21,

I now understand how age can catch up with you.

I understand why you need to take care of your skin (and your health).

I realise that nothing is forever, good or bad.

So here's to life,

here's to making it alive,

here's to waiting to turn ripe at 50.

For all the big fuss and all the waiting,

all I can say today is "So this is how it feels like."

with 'much' enthusiasm.

But then again, I never was a birthday person.

By the way, if you're wondering,

I didn't get a key from my mother.

It's not like I didn't ask.

She sternly refused.

I bet it's a psychological thing as well.

And I bet the day I was born she locked me up and threw away the key.

That, or she has misplaced the key, again.

My Birthday wish?

I want to be an ACCA Affiliate in August 2010.

So I can get on with my life.

I'm sick of this chapter already.

I need change.

And I hope the next chapter contains much more excitement and happiness than this one did.

Hey, contrary to popular believes I do not enjoy being depressed, okay?

And yes, I am working on my issues.

Hard at them, that is.

So don't say I'm not trying.

For this, I want to say thanks, Wei Wei, for the opportunity to do so.

I am Jane and I want to know

2010-03-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

You thought me that telling lies is a bad habit.
Please tell me,
would you rather I lie to you that I love you,
or would you rather I tell you the truth that I hate you?

Someone please teach me how to be happy.
You think I enjoy feeling like that?

I am Jane, Pirated Copy and Original Version

2010-03-29T08:06:00.001-07:00

I know, I know.
I have nothing else to talk about other than my mother.
These few days, I've been wondering,
we all know what happens to girls with daddy issues,
how about girls with mummy issues?
I've seen various versions.
They all point to one thing.
And I want so badly to get out of this vicious cycle that I've decided to put myself into again,
willingly.

On a side note, I feel like this is the beginning of 2006 again.
I can't remember if I wrote this down,
but about a year ago,
I began being not not unhappy.
Don't bother wondering why so many negatives.
I would say that most things in my life were going smoothly.
But that one person was slowly drifting away from my life.
I was in denial for about a year.
And then I decided to call it quits.
Now I'm the bad person.
But I really can't be bothered.
The same people who decided that I was a good person,
a kind soul who wouldn't hurt anyone,
a compassionate being who would rather be hurt than to see anyone else hurt.
They are now the same persons who think that I'm this crazy bitch who decided to walk away.
Truth is, I've been hurt enough.
And that's that.
I think I'm fine with it now.
Ignore me all you want.
I will find new people to surround myself with.

Speaking of which, after three years of abstinence (er, not what you're thinking about),
I decided to throw myself into the whirlpool again.
I was bored.
They were there.
And now, we are here.
But I can't handle this anymore.
I guess I don't have what it takes to be such a big bitch.
But in my head, I still want to carry on.
Tell me I'm crazy.

Back on track,
this huge question mark has been resting its weight on my head for this whole week.
We all know that whatever I do is never good enough for my parents.
And we all know that whatever I do, good or bad, always gets twisted into some form of devastation towards my parents.
And then I thought,
"If they already think that way about me,
what difference is it going to make if I actually do such things?"
It's like, if you think the apple is bad and you leave it there to rot,
it will eventually rot, right?
So let me rot.
Not like anyone cares.
I know I don't give a damn about what everyone else thinks about me.
I know I can live with whatever that I've done.
And if it means that I can have more fun, less restrictions,
since I'm already being labeled anyway,
why not?
It's not going to make any difference right?
Except that I actually did the deed that caused the label,
which makes the me worthy of that label.
Not that it wasn't there in the first place.

And so, my question is,
Why bother?

Don't give me that "you will be able to redeem yourself when they finally learn the truth" bullshit.
It doesn't work.
They've never stopped thinking of me like that.
I'm sorry I'm not this demure girl who sits with her legs neatly folded under the chair,
crown of my head shining against the sunlight,
sheepishly smiling with my head bowed down.
I am a modern-day woman.
A woman who has decided that if she is ever going to find a man,
the man must be worthy of her.
Not the other way around.
A woman who has decided that she will not let social stigma rule what she can and cannot achieve just because she is female.
So stop judging me!
It hurts to know that you of all people judge me for who I am NOT.

I am Jane Nearing The End

2010-01-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

This is it.

This is good bye.

This is the end.

Or at least I hope so.

Given the things that have happened recently,

I'm really praying that it is.

Some of these people I might never see again,

some of these people I really want to meet again sometime later in life,

some of these people I want to keep in touch with,

and some of these people, I never want to see again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the good person.

I'm tired of always having to think ahead.

I'm tired of having to accommodate,

I'm tired of having to put someone else's feeling before my own.

And it hurts to know that the gestures are not appreciated,

let alone reciprocated.

Dear God,

I'm tired.
I've never given up even though I say I would,

I've never given up hope that there would be better things to come.

I've never given up hope that if I put in a little bit more effort,

and wait a little bit longer,

then everything would be alright.

And even if things weren't alright,

I still never gave up.

I fell many times,

but I picked myself up right after.

I'm not saying that I deserve an award,

or that I should be made a Saint.

I'm just asking that you give me,

time to recuperate,

time to sort myself out,

time to figure out my issues,

time to grow and mature,

so that I may prepare myself for the things to come.

I won't give up.

All I ask is for the courage to face them,

the strength to endure them,

and the wisdom to learn from them.

I may not be pious,

I may not be the best person out there,

but I like how our relationship is, for now.

I have flaws,

I have bad qualities,

but I'm willing to learn.

I may not like everyone who has come into my life,

but each and everyone has taught me something.

I hope I'll have the right judgement to separate,

those I want to keep for life,

from those I need to stay away from.

Four years ago,

the night my mum left me to fend for myself,

I learnt the meaning of being homesick.

Four years later,

the night before I leave (and hopefully never come back),

I learn what "Home is Where the Heart Is" means.

Four years ago,

someone came into my life,

made me realise things I never knew existed,

gave me an experience of what true friendship is.

Four years later,

on the night before I leave,

I learn the hardest lesson,

that nothing is forever,

not the boys who come and go,

not even the friends who promise to stay.

I think this is good bye.

I hope this is good bye.

God, I pray,

I want nothing more than this,

Let me pass all my papers this February 2010,

And fly me away on the winds of change.

Good bye Zen,

Good bye Zephyr,

Good bye bastard of a security guard,

Good bye male chauvinist pig Lagoon View hostel warden,

Good bye comfortable bed that has rested my body and soul for four months,

Good bye my beloved soulmate kaiser whom I might never see again,

Good bye back-stabbers,

Good bye bitches,

Good bye late night excursions,

Good bye sofa which I have placed outside my window,

Good bye view from 24th floor,

Good bye fluffy clouds,

Good bye Shisha and "I've never" games,

Good bye Bhavini,

Good bye Amrita,

Good bye Shabnam,

Good bye Sasha,

Good bye great memories.....

I am Jane after a night of fun

2010-01-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

Old habits never die.

But I'm glad I went out yesterday.

Apparently I'm not the only one feeling neglected and unappreciated.

And it's good to know.

Because that means that I'm not being over-sensitive.

It means that the problem is real,

and it doesn't reside only within me.

His mum called again today.

I didn't feel like going out.

And then he called.

The sound of his ringtone makes my heart implode.

I didn't go.

I don't think I should.

Maybe one day I will forgive.

Just not today.

And till then,

nothing like a good episode of Greek to get my heart all mushy.

I want an Evan.

I know what a heart throb Cappie is,

but he is also a heart breaker.

And I think I'm done with heart breakers.

I am Jane after yesterday

2010-01-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

A normal person would feel better after a good night's sleep.

A normal person would feel less angry after 12 hours.

A normal person would forgive.

A normal person would possibly forget.

A normal person would look back on the past.

and think "Maybe I'm too harsh".

A normal person would take it out on something else.

Based on the above premises,

I am an abnormal person.

After yesterday,

I still feel as angry as I was,

as hurt as I did,

as betrayed as I think.

After a good night's sleep,

I still haven't forgiven,

and I definitely haven't forgotten.

After talking it out with someone who has proven herself to be a better friend.

After going shopping and after a movie with the said person above.

After her trying to make me see that I am in no wrong.

After our random phone call to our "divine" master, Mr. E of whom is known to ask such random questions,

After his very insightful opinion.

I think I know what to do.

But saying and thinking is easier than doing.

And he is just making it worse.

I hate you right now.

From the bottom of the heart.

I am to blame for having relied on you for so much.

I will let no one else in ever.

I thought that boys will come and go,

but you would stay.

But you proved that you too,

are a boy.

For all the wrong reasons.

And boys are just icky.

Even your good friend TJ could sense that I was angry with you after 3 minutes of conversation.

I can't believe I looked up to you.

I can't believe I thought so much of you.

My eyes are opened now.

You are an immature fool just like any boy.

You are an idiot who thinks highly of himself.

You are so stupid to think that I will never know.

You made me.

And I'm sad to tell you that I am now better.

I don't sit.

I'm not stagnant.

I have this forever moving mechanism in me

that wants to do more,

do better,

be more,

be better,

all that is within my own power.

That's because I analyze myself.

I don't look to other people to analyze me.

You are the scientist who injected the catalyst.

I am the substance that has mutated and grown to be self contained.

And now I must part.

This wound will take forever to heal, if not never.

I am Jane and it hurts to be Jane

2010-01-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt so upset for the past three years.

I never felt as if I couldn't talk to anyone.

I want to know why you haunt me.

I want to know why I let you.

I want to know how I can end this.

It's because you were there for me,

even when you eventually weren't there for me,

I deluded myself into believing that you were.

Your mum didn't make it any easier,

but there is only so much a rug can cover.

As the dust accumulates under the rug,

it will slowly show

like a pregnant belly awaiting child birth.

I can't blame you.

I can only blame myself.

I don't know since when was it wrong to voice out your thoughts.

I don't know when it started being wrong to show your feelings.

I don't know why is it wrong to feel upset when someone has upset you.

I don't understand why is it that we shouldn't be bitter when we have been wrong.

I am not blind.

I am not stupid.

I just don't understand why I'm not allowed to feel how I feel.

It just means that being me,

is every fibre wrong.

I'm being bitter

and what's wrong with being bitter please tell me

is a person not allowed to feel upset when she is upset?

why does one have to be scolded for being upset?

when someone makes you upset do you not have the right to be upset?

I hate that I let you hurt me so much.

I hate that I'm even hurt.

I hate that I'm allowing you to upset me so much.

I want to be a cold hearted bitch.

And I never want to care about you again.

I am Jane trapped in a box

2010-01-05T11:06:00.001-08:00

How can I tell him to leave me alone?

How can I stop hurting?

I can't believe I let myself into believing someone understood me.

I can't believe I let myself into believing that someone would always be there.

All lies.

I can't believe he doesn't know how I feel.

I can't believe he can't see through this.

Fuck this shit.

I am Jane looking for my Poker Face

2010-01-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

I need to find my mask.

I think I lost it,

somewhere between trusting a person,

thinking he understood me,

thinking he'd never leave,

and letting him into my life.

How can I let someone mean so much to me?

I have my own self to blame.

If you don't care about a person,

they can't hurt you.

If they're not significant to you,

you won't feel a thing.

But if you're not careful,

you will find later on,

lying on the ground,

trampled and repeatedly stepped on,

broken into a million pieces,

torn and tattered,

a big chunk of your heart that was once filled with the feeling of security.

and then you will go into exile,

hiding behind a mask,

bringing on your best poker face,

until your heart is hilled,

albeit scarred and mutated,

to remind you of the past,

not as beautiful as it once was,

but whole once again,

only to let loose once again

and end up having another big piece ripped out of your very existence.

Don't trust anyone.

Not even yourself.

Because you will only let yourself down.

I am Jane in need of Narcissism

2010-01-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

It hurts..

it hurts so bad.

I need to practise what I preach.

I need to love myself.

I need to be happy so that I can be happy.

I need to learn that I can still be happy even when others are not.

I need to learn that I don't need to make everyone happy just so I will feel happy

because then I will never be happy

because everyone will never be happy all at the same time.

There will always be someone to please

someone who will need my help

someone who will want me to do something.

I need to live for myself.

Sasha is right.

I said it myself.

One can only feel hurt because one has let the other party hurt one.

I've done it before.

But why does it feel so hard to do now?

I am back where I started.

I feel even worse.

I feel betrayed.

I know its not my place.

But I'm starting to get sick of it.

I want to live in my own world.

I think I'm abnormal because I can't seem to get along with anyone.

Not for a long time.

Please explain to me this price that I have to pay.

What is it for?

It hurts so badly.

It hurts so badly that it has accummulated.

IT FUCKING HURTS.

I just want to stop hurting.

I want this all to stop.

I need to know that no one will understand me.

Most importantly,

I need to know that it's perfectly fine.

I am Jane the Woman

2009-12-18T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm scared.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not really angry anymore.

But I'm angry with myself for not being angry anymore.

The thing is,

I just don't want to talk to them.

Not for a very long time.

I don't even want to see them.

To have to act like everything is okay when it really isn't.

At least not for me.

You will never know,

And you obviously don't care.

Funny how that she can't pick up.

Don't push me.

I can fall by myself.

I am Jane's Venom, Men and Expiry Date

2009-12-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

Men are utterly disgusting.

Their habits,

Their behaviour.

Utterly disgusting.

I can't decide on whether I'm angry,

or sad.

So I shall just leave it as I am upset.

All the men around me are being assholes.

All of them.

I suspect the cause of it is that piece of meat dangling in between their legs.

And we all know that to solve the problem, we must get rid of the cause.

So I suggest either genocide or castration.

And eternal enslavery.

We don't need them to inseminate us.

We can just genetically modify sperms.

That way we can choose the best genes,

hence eliminating future problems as the possibility of creating an asshole is reduced,

And we will only select sperms with the XX chromosome inside.

Or even better still, genetically modify the XY chromosome into XX.

Men were mere experiments.

Their chromosome is a defect of ours.

Doesn't that explain their stupidity?

So by exterminating all men,

we are achieving Zero Defect philosophy.

Cultivating perfectionists and perfect beings.

I'm so sick of it!

It's not like both of them don't know me.

I feel so hurt.

I really don't know what to do.

And they both know very well how I react to things like this.

Is that what they want?

Maybe it's best I do that.

At least I'd be happy.

I have reached my expiry date.

I am of no use anymore.

They are all assholes.

And I refuse to associate myself with assholes.

I have been downgraded from friend,

to helper,

to just being there,

and then doormat.

But it is true what they say about an angry woman.

There is no nice angry woman in this world.

I don't believe in forgiving or forgetting.

I don't believe that you are perfect.

But I accept you for all your flaws.

Taking me for granted is a whole other story.

Do you expect me to forgive let alone forget that?

Being borned in the year of the snake.

I possess the true characters of one.

The Cobra

Full of venom,

Always alert,

ready to strike,

laying low enough for you to step on,

but close enough to sink my fangs into your skin,

injecting my poisonous venom into your blood stream,

causing imminent DEATH.

You don't mess with a snake.

She'll never forget.

Notice that Medusa is a female,

not a male.

They can't handle such power.

Weaklings.

I feel so fucked up.

And I only have two words to say to them

FUCK YOU!!

And FUCK YOU HARD!

I thought I'd be problem free after my exams.

But time and time again,

I'm reminded that trouble never ceases to follow me.

I am Jane, and I lack discipline

2009-11-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

Heck, I just finished my articles.

I am so behind time.

Mum came today.

I am now allowed to go overseas by myself (not that I couldn't have seeing that I have regained possession of my own passport),

I want to go to Hong Kong Disneyland for Christmas.

Anyone wants to come with?

I'm really going offline for the next two weeks plus.

I can't.

I'm horrible.

I know.

Life's not the bitch.

I am!

On another note, I think I am a horrible friend.

A friend who over-analyzes relationships

Who gets jealous easily

and who is over possessive.

And on another random note,

ever wondered why our parents used to whack the shit out of us?

They didn't really have to,

but you know,

things like "If you do that one more time I will cane you!!"

it doesn't really hurt.

not flesh-wise.

maybe it hurt,

but it wasn't some kind of unbearable pain like going to the doctor for a jab!

why the hell were we afraid of them?

and you know,

it's so damaging.

the next time they scream "I'll WHACK you!"

or even just whip the sofa,

you'd go running for your lives.

Urgh!

How we've been mind-slaved.

And then we grow up and learn to be ashamed

and learn about public humiliation

But all it is is "positive comments, feedbacks and criticism",

not reprimands.

We get yelled at, and then we start crying, or our face expression changes, or we get angry.

Why can't we treat it as a normal conversation?

It's not like one has any more right to speak than the other.

This world is so full of shit with its hierarchies and self-confidence levels.

And guess where it all stems from;

That's right.

Our childhood.

Shouldn't there be a new way of parenting already?

I can't remember the name of that famous psychologist who had the same believe,

Unfortunately, his son died..

Which made his theory a mockery.

I don't think so.

I think that's an entirely different story all together.

And then there's this thing about being over weight.

Just today, I was at GJ with my favourite people.

And in comes an old friend who nonchalantly comes up to me and goes

"Hey, how come so fat already? What did you eat?"

Weird question which I didn't know how to answer

(possible answer could have been, I drank a gallon of oil, but I doubt she'd get my sarcasm)

My favourite people SNARED at her!

The thought of such a comment almost made them puke their guts out

Now you know why they're my favourite people =D

Not that I don't need the motivation to NOT be fat..heheh

Last but not least

Before that I must put in a disclaimer right now

MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND ALCOHOL
okay.

My lecturer told us that drinking is the direct route to heaven.

Why?

Because when you drink, you're happy

when you're happy you don't cause harm

and when you don't cause harm you go straight to heaven.

and when you drink too much

you pass out,

when you pass out you can't cause harm

and therefore you go straight to heaven.

simple right?

I feel very deprived now.

If Sasha wants to drink herself silly on new years,

I want to pour alcohol down my throat and then pass out.

I don't even want to get high.

I just want to pass out and be happy in my dreams

At least I'm happy there..

Urgghh...I hate how I jump every time *this (phone beeps) happens!

My very random post..lolz

I am Jane looking for a confession box

2009-11-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

Father, Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Bloody satan tempted me and I caved..

Who am I kidding?

I have no discipline what so ever.

So from tomorrow onwards,

The laptop is going into cold storage.

On an entirely different note,

YOU CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!

I just don't understand...

I am Jane confused

2009-11-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

I just realised Sunil is coming back tomorrow..

I don't feel overly excited

I don't feel anything

Maybe it's because it doesn't seem like he ever left.

I am Jane's sponteinity

2009-11-22T10:29:00.000-08:00

I LOVE SHABA SHABA!!
WE spontaneously decided to go on a drive because I am happy and because I don't want to stop being happy. I'm so going to regret this but I think I'm going to need the psychological break.

Love you heaps!

I am Jane in a day

2009-11-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

I think, today was the most perfect day in this entire year.

I am one of many temperaments,

most of them from the extreme ends of all aspects.

I like to go out and party,

be surrounded by intoxicated loud people who are grinning like idiots

enveloped by loud music

and letting loose like there's no tomorrow.

But there are days when I don't even feel like stepping out of my bed,

totally zone out,

stare at the ceiling,

outside my window (which is why my bed is strategically positioned beside the window),

stare at my neatly arranged books,

stare at the squirls on my quilt cover.

I like to have company,

have good conversations,

about how blue the sky is,

anatomy,

girl talk,

mindless bullshit,

and the matters of the world,

heck even our topics vary so extremely.

But there are days

when I just want to be left alone,

and may God have mercy on you

if you even try to break into my solitude.

I love movies.

Sometimes when my brain is too tired,

and I don't even want to laugh,

I pick up a chic flick,

and stare at it.

You don't always have to use your brain to be smart.

You don't always have to watch movies that mean something

On other days,

especially when I want to be alone,

I go to the cinema really early

hoping there won't be anyone else

watch something like 2012,

and ponder about life.

(This is the boring part that sounds like every other blog, skip it!)

I think today was awesome.

I went to class,

I got my Progress Test 2 answer script back

(which I thought was forever gone since my lecturer forgot he left it in his car)

Re-read my answers and never thought I could produce such words and thoughts,

Came back,

Went for an awesome swim with an awesome friend in an awesome pool under the awesome sky during an awesome weather,

had a good bath,

realised my hair wasn't spoilt by chlorine,

got dinner,

found my favourite fruit,

had bubble tea,

had dinner in the middle of the field

under the stars

with the breeze in my hair,

had great conversation with two great friends,

came home,

sat in the spot which nobody else was smart enough to put a sofa there,

enjoyed the wind,

sat quietly beside another fantastic friend,

until she made conversation,

had conversation,

realised at the same time that we are both very happy

to know that we have dreams and goals

and that we're half way there

and that no guy can ever take anything we don't want to give from us,

realise that we are stronger than that,

realised that even if at the end of the day we have no man,

we are capable of being happy.

I think I can genuinely say that I am now happily single but not available.

I hope my ex doesn't feel in any way offended.

I just needed to know that I am capable of being that.

To know that I am happy alone to be able to be happy with someone else.

And today, I knew.

How I wish this could be my everyday routine.

I am Woman,

I am Independent

I am Strong,

I am Happy.

W.I.S.H. =)

"My head is in the clouds..."

"...and I like it there..."

I wish I never ever have to come down...

The end of Sunlounger's first disc is fucking-tastic!!

But current music to suit the mood is Chase the Sun...

How wonderful is it that I found the disc with the perfect song to end my perfect day by coincidence?

I love these friends..they're temperamental and there are days I can't stand them,

but so am I,

Me and my mood swings,

quite apparent from my blogs..

I am Jane's missing brain

2009-11-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

I managed to finish half of my P5 syllabus in a day.

That was yesterday.

And I only spent two sessions of two hours each.

Again, that was yesterday.

Today, I woke up late.

I had a series of unfortunate events.

I wasted a lot of time.

I still have half a syllabus left,

past year questions to do,

not forgetting two other subjects to revise for.

God help me.

My brain is missing.

I swear.

It's already in Canada or something.

Wherever it is that I want to go.

I want to go away from here.

Can money please drop from the sky from me?

I am Jane a minute later

2009-11-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

I just realised something.

I make perfect sense when I'm emotional.

But I'm nonsensical when I'm happy.

Should I just not be happy?

What? Makes sense,right?!

I am Jane's two-cents

2009-11-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

Have you gotten any of those Birthday rewards/ gifts/ redemptions/ rebates?

They're pretty common.

Sometimes, if they're really nice and generous,

they give you gift certificates,

free merchandise,

vouchers.

If they're not-as-nice,

they give you vouchers and coupons for other shops other than their own.

But most of the time they are not-so-nice.

They send you SMSes and E-mails and snail mails with things that sound like this:

"Happy Birthday! We at blablabla (insert name of company), would like to reward you our valued customer on this special day with a redemption/ rebate certificate WHEN YOU PURCHASE THIS/ ABOVE RMxxx at our participating outlets."

"We would like to show you how much we appreciate our customers by giving you x% off every purchase at blablabla (insert name of company) on your birthday!"

"Get blablabla (insert name of item or service)/ x% extra on your birthday when you purchase (some random item or service) at the nearest blablabla (insert name of company)! Hurry, promotion is only valid on your birthday!"

And of course, in fine print:

"Terms and conditions apply"

Let me translate all of the above for you into one nice big paragraph:

"Happy Birthday, dearest customer!

We at blablabla (company) would like to take advantage of your 'joyous' mood (if you're a lady above 35, please change to: vulnerability at this point because you're a year older and your biological clock is still ticking!) at which point you are most likely to spend exuberant amounts of money because you are simply ruled by emotions and hence, is more likely to cash out on 'impulsive purchases' which you obviously don't need. Let us help you to make yourself happy by allowing you to purchase our 'wonderful' products at a discounted price that sometimes isn't really that attractive but what the heck, it's your birthday and nobody uses their brains on their birthday because your system has to reboot and readjust itself a year older. Not only that, because we are so nice, we will also throw in some worthless stuff together with your purchases, stuff that you don't need. Yes, because it's your birthday, you're a year older, and hence you have more right to spend an even larger sum of money than last year. Happy Birthday once again, and we're looking forward to see you walking into our stores with a big grin on your face and a valid credit card in hand."

This, coming from a person who has split personalities:
One day, she's a shopaholic

who will travel from north to south

just to look for that one particular thing

The next, she'd be too lazy to shop

because she rather sit and drink warm coffee by the big glass window on a comfy sofa.

One thing's for sure.

When I'm stressed out,

at some point,

I'd resort to retail therapy.

The weirdest thing I've bought on that impulse

is two bedsheets.

Not ONE, but TWO.

Why?

Because I couldn't make up my mind.

And then I left,

feeling a little less stressed for the day.

I'm getting there. I'm going to be a cranky old lady.

Watch 2012 alone today.

Although I didn't much get the 'loneliness' I wanted so much.

It's just one of those movies I want to sit by myself in an empty hall to ponder about.

If the world is coming to an end in 2012,

there are somethings I'd like right now.

I shall save that for another day.

P/s: I remember there used to be a bully/ really mean girl when I was in pre-school. I don't remember why I think she's mean. She was never mean to me, but I know she was mean some how. Anyways, I was going through facebook (I know!! I broke my vow), and I stumbled upon her album full of our pre-school pictures. Funny how I still remember everyone's names. I can even recognise Prema in the photos! Except for the boys. Don't remember all of their names, but some including Adrian and Li Wern (who ended up being my brother's friends in highschool because of PTS), Chin (back then, if you didn't have an English name, you were only known by your surname), another Choong, and Iklis (whom we called Ikan Bilis, of course). Boys were icky back then. Who says they aren't now?

I am Jane looking for a one-way ticket

2009-11-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

I like travelling

I like shopping

I like travelling to places to shop

Unfortunately I don't have a limitless credit card or a bottomless account.

But a girl can only dream right?

After all, I am a girl with many wants and needs.

I was just looking at Cathay Pacific's website and wishing I could anyhow book a one-way ticket to some random place and never come back. I want so badly to leave. I've repeated this so many times I think I've gotten the point across, but will it come through? or come true?

For that, a girl can only hope.

I am Jane (C) Copyright 2009

2009-11-14T08:20:00.000-08:00

I hereby declare "Looking for a Rain God" and all its related euphemisms (TM).

Err....I deleted the story because nobody would get it anyway.

But I do see it being used everywhere. WTF..

Go look for your own Rain God.

Also, FURB is registered trademark of Heaven, Zen, NERDwana & Co.

I am Jane and I want to Fly

2009-11-10T22:26:00.000-08:00

I want to fly...

Far far away

to a place where I will find eternal bliss.

And I need someone who can take me there...

ACCA is just awesome like that:

http://www.accaglobal.com/careers/findajob/?view=Global&country=all

And now I just need to wait for the right time...

Still listening to Sunlounger.

That man is a GENIUS!!

World, here I come..

I am Jane slowly going mad...

2009-11-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've been writing the whole day.

And when I say writing, I mean HAND writing.

Actually I covered all grounds when it comes to writing today.

I did my articles,

I'm writing my blog,

I rewrote answers to the practice questions.

And I rewrote my notes.

I know.

I'm damn OCD.

I like my notes properly handwritten.

Not even type-written, okay.

Actually I do like type-written, nicely printed out notes,

but if they were my own notes,
I wouldn't read them unless they were handwritten by ME.

My hands hurt so badly I think they're going to drop off.

My thumb has a huge callus on it,

and my middle finger looks pregnant.

Brings a whole new meaning to showing your middle finger huh?

I think I will have carpal tunnel syndrome by the end of this week.

I swear.

And back to the topics.

I'm slowly going insane.

I'm losing my mind.

I'm being hypnotized.

By....

iTunes visualizer.

If only I had a nice MacBook to go with it...

and a nice iPhone too..

Ohmigod, since when did I become a Mac fan?

I always liked MacBooks, but iPhone?

I think I'm succumbing to peer pressure...

And the song to go with it?

Sunlounger-Another Day on the Terrace by Armin Van Buuren.

After David Guetta, Armin Van Buuren is my next favourite DJ.

Heck, after listening to this, he may very well take Guetta's place in my heart!

Trance is not just loud music and repetitive bass.

Trance is not how the ah bengs like it.

It is not all Ching Chong Ching Chong

Tong Tiang Tong Tiang (suddenly, it sounds like a CNY song)

I love this song.

Perfect for winding down.

Coupled with the visualizer,

I'm high and I'm not even under any drug or alcohol influence.

I get literally lost in space.

Erm, beach.

Can't decide which one.

The visualizers take me out of this world, (if only I had a big LCD screen)

And the song takes me back to the beach.

I feel as if I want to drop everything and run to Redang.

Now, I shall commence with my getting-lost-ness...

The whole set is F-ucking awesome.

I have it in my car.

Bhavini claims that I drive more calmly while listening to it.

I now enjoy long drives and heavy pours on the road...

My favourite part is the guitar solo (or not-so-solo) around 17:17.

I shall stare at the visualizer until I fall asleep.

Hopefully I will have a fantastic dream.

I'm in paradise.

Anything,

just to spend another day on the terrace...

I am Jane's tears

2009-11-10T03:32:00.000-08:00

You will never know how you make me feel.

I doubt you care,

I doubt you will even think twice,

I doubt it will even affect you.

You used to know me so well,

You used to care,

And then you got bored,

And you didn't bother no more.

It hurts to know that you don't know me anymore.

It hurts to know that I have to put up a front with you now.

It hurts to know that I cannot be myself anymore

I used to cry to you,

but now I'm crying about you.

In the end, you will never know.

P/s: This is something I wrote a few months ago. I never thought I could still write something like this. This version has been heavily edited and censored.

I am Jane's Top 5 Treat List

2009-11-09T03:59:00.000-08:00

Obviously, my wishlist extends way beyond five things (hello? I belong to the female species!). But if I were given a chance to make any five of them come true, this would be my list for the foreseeable future :

1. Passport to the world
This is it, my final semester. I've been counting down ever since the day I started ACCA. Sure, I do enjoy some of the papers, but there are some I swear I'd never want to see ever again. People have always given me encouragement, telling me that I can do much more than I think I can, giving me hope that maybe there's much more to me than even I know. That's why I chose ACCA instead of a normal degree. It is my passport to the world, and to the rest of my life. I have given 20 years of my life to my parents and other people's expectations of me. I have fulfilled them and it is now time for me to live my own dreams. I hope I will land a job that I will be so passionate about, I won't mind spending late nights in the office. And for that, I hope I will pass my final three papers. (reminder to self: stop staring at laptop and study more)

2. Two months in Redang

For the last three years, I have not had a proper holiday. That is an ACCA's student life. Shish!! No wonder people call us boring. Except for my own self-declared holidays and late night drinking expeditions, my life has been the same-old "attend-freaking-long-lectures-from-8am-to-9pm" routine (I am not a person of routine. Now I'm wondering how I survived the three years) from January to April and July to October, Exam Exiles every May and November, with my exams starting in June and December respectively, I am only left with two weeks of holidays while my counterparts in other courses have three months of semester break. I think two months in Redang by the beach and clear blue sea would make up for lost time. And I'm not being unrealistic, wanting to go to Bora Bora and Miami, who wouldn't want to? At least in Redang I'll be away from home, but close enough not to feel homesick.

3. Shopping trip to Hong Kong

And when I've finally gained my sanity back and achieved a state of 'zen' and 'gemeinschaftsgefuhl', I shall fly over to Hong Kong, (where I hope I will meet prospective employers), and spend about two weeks there just wondering the streets, shopping, eating, sight-seeing and enjoying life. I've been to Hong Kong when I was 14. I loved it there (except for the culture and the crime rates), but my parents had to spoil it by joining a freaking tour which took us from one factory to another. Which 14 year old wants to buy Jade pendants and funny Chinese herbs? On the flight back, full of resentment and dissatisfaction, I vowed that I would be back, by myself, so that I would be able to call the shots and make up my own itinerary. One that will obviously not involve me waking up in the morning.

3. Gym membership for three months

I've been to gym before, the first time, I just dragged myself there because I knew it was good for me. I never believed in gym. I never understood why people would want to run on a treadmill like hamsters on a wheel. But two weeks ago, I went for a trial, and I really enjoyed it. I guess it's just one of those things that has its own time and place, and I think I found mine. It's time to get into shape! Now, I have an even better goal. I will not only revert to my old shape, but be better than that.

5. The Dell Inspiron 13

My laptop is dying. There's this hole in the LCD screen (I swear I didn't poke a hole in my LCD) and it's getting bigger and bigger every time I stare at it (maybe I should stop staring). My lappy is almost four years ago. I remember how much I hated it when I first got it because my parents refused to listen to me when I told them what I wanted. It caused me a lot of pain and frustrations (and money as well as time), but it has served me well. Heck, only an IBM can withstand having being dropped onto the ground from a shelf while still running (again, I didn't drop it). But it's time to move on now. I need a new laptop, this one is slowly dying. And that's why the Dell Inspiron 13 will be a perfect fit.

The Obsidian Black body will remind me of my IBM, and of course, it will be the perfect travelling companion. I am a tech-geek. I love gadgets and the internet is the one thing that I need during "Me" time. I "LOVEEEEE" slim gadgets compared to bulky ones (the Dell Inspiron 13 measures only 1 inch thick), and it weighs only 2.22kg (would be a great relieve after so many years of lugging the heavy IBM around)! It would be perfect for me to carry around. Best of all, it has a 13.3 inch widescreen, perfect watching movies!

I feel the start of a new chapter coming, and right now, I'm so motivated to study, I'm going to sit at my desk for at least four hours non-stop!

If you want a Dell Inspiron 13 yourself, you can get an immediate RM100 in cash redemption when you call 1800-88-0301 to make an order with this special code 7ZQVQF2RLZRKW3.

I am Jane an angry consumer

2009-11-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

Angry.

Pfft!

When am I not?

This whole week has been a total drill for me, classes starting at 9am, ending about 5-6pm.

And then not being able to resist the temptation to go to Pyramid.

I was feeling sick on Thursday, and I decided to get some instant liquid vitamin boosters.

There's this little stall called Berry Passion located on LG1 near the ice skating rink.

Above it is Coffee Bean,

And below it is New Zealand Natural.

I'm not advocating them, and I'm definitely not doing free advertising for them.

As I was walking towards the stall,

I saw this tower banner on the right that said "Pink Lady: Ladies who are wearing pink (anything pink at all) get drinks at RM5"

And so I thought "Wow, for a change, this must be my lucky day!"

And so I go up to the counter, and I chose my drink,

All this while the idiot foreigner of a cashier speaks broken English in some weird slang and keeps asking me if I understand what he's saying.

At first I just nod out of politeness but after that I think that was just part of his stupid scam.

After I made my order, I saw that he had punched in RM9.90 instead of RM5.

When I asked him, his English suddenly became so bad that he couldn't understand what I was saying or neither could he understand what the banner read.

This is how the conversation went:

Me : Oh, I thought it was RM5.

Him: No, RM 9.90.

Me : But it says there that ladies wearing pink get to buy the drink at RM5.

Him: But you not wearing pink.

Me : What?

Him: Only for ladies wear pink.

Me : But I'm wearing pink. (I don't usually wear pink, that was just one of those days and how dare he take that right away from me!)

Him: Beraildwaehi kadaj (I swear it sounded something like that)

Me : What?

Him: You not wearing pink.

Me : Then what colour is this? (pointing to my shirt)

Him: That is not pink.

Me : *rolls eyes and suddenly all the pent up frustrations for the day come back up.

SSM: (SSM is my friend) Okay, then how about this? This is pink. (points at the HOT PINK motives on her T-shirt)

Him: That is not pink.

Me : Then what colour is it?

Him: That is brown.

Me : What?

Him: That is bwonoielirh

Me : I'm sorry, you're not making any sense. (When I say things that bluntly, you know you're going to get it from me)

Him: RM9.90

Me : I want to speak to your manager.

Him: OLIJAJLROIJLWAR

Me : I'm sorry your English is horrible, can you get someone else here.

Him: RM9.90 please.

Me : *leaves.

I was going to take a picture of that banner and send it to the Tribunal court or at least come back another day to make a report. But dumb ass wasn't so dumb after all. He got out of the counter and removed the banner. WHAT THE FUCK? Is this some kind of new scam? Its not about the extra RM4.90. It's about being cheated and knowing your rights. If I ever go back to Berry Passion, I'll be sure to speak to the manager. You wait and see.

I am Jane in Exam Exile

2009-11-03T08:15:00.001-08:00

Exam exile has started,

Although this semester I'm trying something new.

The usual exam exile is implemented.

But I'm going to be a bit more flexible about my study habits.

Hopefully, I will be more motivated to study.

Never too late, right?

So far:

Motivation - check
Labelling - check
Filing - check
Arrangement - check
Materials - sufficient
Will power - check
Determination - check
Guidance - somewhat sufficient
Time management - somewhat in tact
Discipline - horribly missing
Luck - praying I'll find it soon

I just realised that not only is life a bitch, it's full of bitches too. =)

I am Jane very irritated

2009-11-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

Please explain to me why you would eat other people's food?

If the package was not open, and you STEAL the package, at least I understand.

But finishing up other people's half-drunk milk?

WHAT THE EFF?!!!

Fucking go buy your own groceries.

I don't intend to feed strangers.

I ain't your mamma.

And I definitely ain't some charitable organization.

I can't help but be racist.

Every person I've met from that country is fucking RETARDED.

And they ALL steal food.

And they ALL like to dirty the kitchen.

And I can't help but wonder what they do in the toilet because it feels like they've never bathed for years;

Once they come out, the whole floor is black, and there's slime everywhere.

FUCK YOU BITCHES!! I HOPE THE MILK GIVES YOU A STOMACH ACHE AND EXCRUCIATING DIARRHOEA IN COLLEGE!!

I'm cursing because I don't have time to go do grocery shoppings and here these people are, nicely drinking my milk.

I am Jane's new doctor

2009-10-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

I like this new doctor! When my stupid toe got injured, it was already about 8.30pm and my usual doctor had closed, and so I went to one of those 24-hour Mediviron clinics opposite the Pyramid. I have to tell you, for the extra you pay, they really do a good job! At least this doctor does, however, for some reason, the first doctor I saw insisted that I came every day to change my dressing. It has been exactly a week now, imagine if I had to go everyday, I would have been broke by now. Wait, I actually AM broke. Okay, maybe I would be broke-er.

So yes, Dr. Raymond of Mediviron Clinic is highly recommended by me, especially if you have wounds you need to dress. I don't know about medication and consultation, but if he can dress wounds so well, you really ought to respect the man. I think he's an aspiring politician because there was a book with Mahathir's face on it entitled "WAKE UP CALL" or something like that, and he told me "Accountants are very important in the country, so when I become prime minister, will you help me out?". I'm sorry, but I found every part of that sentence so funny that all I could do was just put on a stupid grin.

For the record, I hate doctors, I hate clinics, I hate needles, and I hate blood. Hence, I am not a medical student. And I definitely dislike seeing others in pain and I definitely am a perfectionist in that I need everything to be perfect. I can look at a person who has been handicap since birth as normal, but if you got decapitated, there's just something inside me that gets ticked off, and I start feeling very irritated because something that was once perfect, isn't anymore. Hence the loss of my toe-nail is something very big to me. And for me to recommend a doctor would mean that I felt NOTHING when he had to remove the gauze of my still-sticky wound.

I was supposed to see him yesterday, but right before my turn, two Indian men came in, bleeding profusely from his heels. I was okay when he entered the examination room, but as time passed by, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on there, and I knew that he'd definitely be lying on that bed...and BLEEDING!! And I was going to lie there as well. I'm not being racist or anything, but ANYONE can have AIDS okay? So imagine if there was left over blood there, and I had some unknown wound which came in contact with the blood. And it was so disgusting, he was bleeding all over the floor and the nurse just left it in a puddle there for everyone to step on. And I assure you when I say puddle, I mean POOLS of thick red blood. So, I chickened out and went home because my heart was racing so fast and I could feel my head going light and my knees going soft. I went back early in the morning (think 7am) and he had all the time in the world for me, maybe that's why he took his time to peel it off. I also found out that the Indian guy who was looking all tough the night before, dripping his blood on to the ground and looking like he didn't feel a thing went into the examination room and turned into a complete girl, refusing to let the doctor do anything (Ahem, but wait, I AM a girl, so I get to act that way, okay?)

And that is my very unique doctor's visit. Exam Exile starts today.

p/s: On another note, I don't know why, but I think my friends are trying to kill me, making me drive to places that are definitely JAMMED and PACKED and its a WEEKEND! I don't understand how the fact that I have a car now means that she doesn't have to drive anymore and that I have to drive to some 'godforsakenplace'.

p/p/s: I know I never fell in love with my car, but I definitely am planning to keep it in tip top condition just so I can get a better price for it next year. What I don't understand is how people don't understand how my heart hurts when they abuse my car, like putting Park and pressing on the accelerator, I feel my heart being ripped off everytime.. Car, car, please don't break down on me ever.

I am Jane wishing I never existed

2009-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I need some answers.

First, what are you trying to prove to me because I'm having a hard time learning this life lesson.

I know that we should give our best, and leave the rest to you,

but why do you make it so hard for me?

I try and try, to the point that I'm a control freak,

making up for the things I cannot control,

compensating for the things that are bound to happen,

but no, everything goes wrong anyway.

And it's not just ONE THING.

It's a few things that do not only affect me NOW, but later on as well.

I feel like screaming at You, but it's not like you're anywhere around me for me to scream at.

I don't have anyone I can scream at who will understand,

the one person who does understand me is misunderstanding me,

and for that I'm so pissed at him that I feel like hating him for the first time.

I wish I'd never wake up and because of that I sleep ridiculous amounts of hours.

I put others first before myself, but I always end up getting hurt,

even having other people accusing me of deserving what I get,

just because they take advantage of me and step all over me.

I think of how my actions affect others,

only to hurt myself and the ones who actually love me.

I try to please everyone,

only to end up being very frustrated and unpleased myself,

of which nobody cares anyway.

Because it's always them them them,

never me me me.

My very existence hurts me.

I am in pain emotionally, physically and mentally.

I am so angry at You for even allowing me to exist.

If You want me to go insane can I go already?

I won't even fight it.

If You want me dead can You end it already?

I don't want to feel anymore.

Life is just so painful for me.

I don't want this to be just a painful stretch that I won't even remember next time.

I don't want to look at my re-grown toenail and just remember that I once lost it.

I want to get something out of it.

I don't want this to just be a phase in my life.

I'm surrounded by all these people who don't really care about me genuinely.

I'm surrounded by selfish people who want something out of me.

I'm surrounded by people who wouldn't even cry if I were dead tomorrow.

I'm surrounded by people

but yet I feel so alone.

Tell me God, am I such a bad person to deserve all this?

Was I such a bad person that I'm paying my debts now?

I'm just so angry at You.

I try not to, but I just am.

I want this to end.

I can't take it anymore.

Must I jump to prove a point?

What do You want from me?

I don't want to feel all this anymore.

I don't want the best life ever.

I don't want such luck that I'd win the lottery 10 times in a row.

But I definitely don't want such bad luck that challenges the viability of Murphy's law.

I just want to be normal.

I'd give anything for all this to stop.

Why do You hurt me?

I try and try.

But why do You keep treating me this way?

I try.

And I try never to give up.

But it's becoming more and more difficult.

I try.

Maybe the problem is that I AM trying.

Are you telling me that I should let go and let whatever be, be?

Should I just sit here and wait for divine intervention?

LISTEN TO ME GOD!!!

(I was in this shop buying a gift for a friend, being in my usual hasty mode when i need to be efficient coz i wanted to go home quick. i pointed at the gift, asked them to get it out, and here this stupid sales girl was, just standing there waiting for the other client who wasn't even sure if he wanted that wallet or not to make a decision. and while i was waiting angrily, this guy walks backwards INTO ME while i was leaning against the glass counter, my toenail got hooked onto his freaking thick skating shoes, and then rips my toenail off, and he runs off out of the shop...and there i was in pain bleeding on to the floor, bloody woman is still waiting for possible client to make decision, looks at me, and then looks back, and when i asked her for a plaster, she asks one of the other sales girls to get one, nobody had one, so i had to bleed all the way to guardian. the freaking mini-operation hurt like a bitch, the doctor didn't give me any anaesthetics coz the toenail was almost all out anyway, so he just pulled it out. that's not the cherry on top of the icing. for the next 2-3 weeks depending on the doctor's mood, i will have to CONSTANTLY go back to the clinic to endure the same agonizing pain as the doctor rips out the gauze to change the dressing. and i will be toenail-less for about a year. which means that i won't be able to do much coz i won't be able to wear proper shoes. and i have to go for interviews soon. and it's not like i can go up to my future employee and tell him "by the way, i'm not wearing proper court shoes because i'm missing a toenail". i really don't understand. i really don't. i feel like screaming at god and saying "I GIVE UP! I'm just going to sit here and wait for your great divine intervention". i don't expect everything to go my way, but i do hope that everything doesn't go wrong either! and so far, it has. i can't even walk properly. and it's just a freaking toenail! if life's like that when im only 20, i wonder what it's going to be like when im 40.)

Please enlighten me. How do you expect me to not be angry? How do you expect me to be all calm and zen? There're a lot of people I hate out there, but let's just make this easier: I HATE ME

I am Jane's questions in life

2009-10-27T08:49:00.001-07:00

I can't seem to comprehend...

We all have established that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. My question is: if all us stupid women are waiting around, dreaming that our prince charming will one day sweep us off our feet, and when we do kiss, fireworks would explode, then tell me; what are men waiting for? Don't give me that stupid "We're just more practical, we only think about the present".
Women are apparently the only one who put so much importance into feelings, always wanting to be 'honest' and talk about 'feelings' and I don't see what's wrong with it. Shall we just one day wake up and say "Sorry, I don't want to see you anymore." To which you will ask why and our answer would still have something to do with feelings, but a very simple "I just don't feel like it anymore." At which point it'd be too late to talk about feelings anymore and hence, it becomes our fault because you guys refuse to talk about feelings all the while.

I'm starting to hate MAN-kind. Please donate your sperm to the sperm bank at which their DNA will be analyzed to see if they have the X chromosome or the Y chromosome so that the Y chromosome DNAs (which are, in fact, defective products) can be disposed off. Your sperm cells of which contain X chromosomes will then, further be cloned and genetically modified just to provide variety without the need of you. After which, you all will face genocide, and the world will be a very beautiful place.

I am Jane's old friend

2009-10-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

Feels like old times again.

Used to be the phone, now it's online.

I don't know.

This is the shortest post ever..

I am Jane enlightened

2009-10-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

I think I'm on track now..

I need to practise what I preach.

I'm having this conversation right now.

I can't put in the details here,

but I think I see the light now.

All this while I have been just so angry.

Little did I know it has been preparing me for later on.

Next year, to be specific.

You can change your job,

But you can't change your mum.

Its so easy to blame everything else.

Until you look into the mirror.

Sounds familiar.

But I think I've finally learnt the true meaning of it.

I know I'm still doing it,

running away from my problems rather than facing them.

But I think even though I want to go away and start anew,

I'm still very adamant about finishing all that I've started here.

Clearing up backlogs.

And reconciling mistakes.

I also want to set things straight,

be a better person,

Be comfortable enough to strut this new personality out,

Right what I have wronged,

Un-step all that has been stepped on (pun intended, sarcasm too)

Un-use what has been used (refer above)

And then I will move on with my life.

I will still leave.

Not because I'm running away,

but because my chapter here has ended.

Sweet Dreams by Annie Lenox has always been my all-time favourite.

Maybe sub-consciously because of the lyrics,

And then one day, they hit me like a bullet train.

"Some of them want to use you, some of them want to get used by you.

Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused."

You won't understand,

but know that I intend to live the other part of the lyrics as well.

First, to
"Hold your head up, keep your head up.

Moving on"

And then

"I traveled the world and the seven seas,

Everybody's looking for something"

But I always knew that

"Sweet dreams are made of this."

And "Who am I to disagree?" ;)

Thank you, Annie Lennox. Maybe you felt the same way when you were writing the lyrics as I did when the lyrics of your song made sense to me..Thank you anyway, for singing the song 6 years before I was born.

But as they always say,

It is easier said than done.

Funny thing is, I've actually done it.

And now, I'm just saying it.

But will I remember how to act this way later on?

I am Jane's new leaf

2009-10-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've been going to gym consistently.

Well, I try.

And I think I did put in a lot of determination.

The only reasons why I didn't go was because

I went home,

I wasn't in Sunway,

I had other things to do.

I even went the day before my exam!

When Sunil was going to gym in 2006, he constantly nagged me about how great exercise is (note: not how important, okay?).

How it makes you feel good,

How it works as a stress buster,

How it just works and shit.

I never listened.

I never liked exercising.

I HATED exercising.

Some how, to me, exercising = running

Running = something I can't do = I'll just get asthma and die there

Even when I was going to True Fitness I didn't feel like this.

But I have to say that going to True Fitness is part of the reason why I like gym now.

I slowly developed a routine,

And slowly pushed the self-consciousness out of my head (although it is definitely still there)

only to replace it with will-power, determination and the need to improve.

It used to be "I have to do this because it's good for me"

And then it became "I have to do this because I want to look and feel good"

And now, it's "I just have to do this because it makes me feel so much better overall"

Yes, I have a new goal in life.

I don't only want to look good,

I want to feel good as well.

I know I've been talking about this for a gazillion years and never achieved any results and starting to sound like a pro-ana failure, but I think this is it.

I used to think that I lost a lot of weight last time because I just didn't eat and slept through the whole day,

but then I started to realise that I DID exercise.

I played a lot of tennis.

Heck, I wasn't really good at it, but I really did enjoy it.

I used to skip school and call in sick,

but I'd still go for tennis in the evenings.

Worse still, in order to reach the tennis court by foot,

I have to cross the house of my then-discipline teacher who'd always be sitting outside watching over her son.

I don't need a supermodel body, I just want to be comfortable looking at myself in the mirror.

Don't diss me.

I know I sound damn shallow saying all that,

but I know how it feels to be both sizes.

It does affect your self-confidence and in turn, every other aspect of your life.

So here's to a new dawn.

When I was in Form 2, I used to weigh 60 kg,

I started losing weight after PMR.

At one point, my weight dropped to 35 kg.

That was the lowest I went.

And then everything went erm...

'Downhill' since then.

Mid July, I weighed in at 70 kg.

Today, I weigh 68 kg.

I'm literally two of 'me'

My goal is 40kg.

I don't know how long it's going to take,

but I definitely know this is it.

I just have to put in more effort,

Once I have the momentum,

and once I start seeing results,

the rest will be easy-peasy..

Oh, wait. I forgot one minor detail.

I have to work on time management.
All this gym thing is also making me feel very productive.

And I do need to put this productivity to great use.

Wish me luck!

On a side note, my best friend's coming back soon!! =D

I am Jane the Perfectionist

2009-10-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

Being a perfectionist doesn't stop at having the things you do in perfect order.

It means that EVERYTHING that you have in your control has to be PERFECT.

I am a perfectionist to the core.

I either do something perfectly,

or I don't do it at all.

Or if I'm forced to, I'd just meet requirements in the quickest time possible.

Same goes for my property.

I need to have them in perfect condition.

I do not trust ANYONE with my property.

And I believe I am right in doing so.

Why?

Because everytime somebody else handles my property,

it's sure to go missing,

or come back broken,

or totally damaged.

There's is a fine line between sharing things with people you like,

and being stingy.

Needing everything to be in order,

and being calculative

Being possessive,

and being attached to your property.

I'M ATTACHED TO EVERYTHING I OWN!!!

I don't buy things because they're cheap just because I feel the need to make use of the best bargain,

I buy things because I need them because I WANT them.

It's not okay to lose something just because it's cheap.

It's definitely NOT okay to lose someone else's things which they've owned since they were a kid.

Yes, it didn't cost me anything,

and it will cost you peanuts to replace it.

But I will be emotionally damaged.

I swear...everyone is driving me nuts...

I think the ex is right.

I'm better off living in a big house with a big compound with my dog and a fence with a "PRIVATE PROPERTY. Trespassers will be prosecuted" sign board outside my gate.

ALONE.

I'm sorry I'm this way,

I wasn't brought up by millionaires who taught their daughter not to appreciate things.

I am sentimental.

Those things hold more than just monetary value to me.

I am Jane wondering where God is now..

2009-10-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

I know it's a stupid question okay, I'm just being bimbotic. Can?

There's this new application on Facebook.

It's called God Wants You To Know..

And so I thought, "Okay, God, what would You like me to know at this very horrible part of my life?"

This is what I got:

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

Know that I will be sleeping slightly better and a little bit more at peace tonight ;)

I am Jane's greatest fear

2009-10-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

I was at home in Taiping for the past 4 days. Nope, I'm not rejuvenated. I don't know how I'm going to carry on, but I know I have to. One night when I was there, I remember waking up in cold sweat from a nightmare of which I remember very well.

The dates matched reality, it was October 12 or something like that.

A letter came in the mail that morning, telling me that my ABRSM Grade 8 examination venue would be at Legend Inn Hotel (where it usually is in real life),

On 12 October 2009, 3pm.

Which meant that I had no time what so ever to practise or anything.

Well I had a few hours, but not enough for me to master what I need to.

I remember that heavy feeling in my heart.

Wishing I was dead.

I knew I was better off dead.

And then I realised "Wait a minute, I've already passed Grade 8!"

"And I did more than just pass, I got Merit or something.."

"WAKE UP!!!"

I forced myself to wake up,

But I couldn't go back to sleep.

Why? Because I knew in real life, I have an exam coming up in about a month,

I've been skipping classes,

I'm absolutely unprepared,

And I feel like I have nothing up there.

I know I have something up there, but it's hidden in some random corner waiting for me to dig it out again when I revise.

So yes, I have kakorrhaphiophobia,or more crudely put, kiasu-ism.

Not in everything,

but just studies.

I hate going into the exam knowing I didn't do my best.

I'm scared of going into the exam not knowing anything.

It doesn't mean that I'm stingy with knowledge, it just means that I feel the need to excel.

Every failure is like a blow towards my ability.

I get crippled with every F I get every semester.

But it's enough for me to want to do better the next time, with less confidence.

Because that's the only thing I do well,

which nobody can turn around and take away from me.

You can't take away my degree from me.

You can take my friends,

my happiness,

my sanity,

but you can't take away the fact that I have brains...

enough for me to be where I am today.

I am Jane and I am a control freak

2009-10-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

You hear guys complaining about their girlfriends being fussy and petty all the time. I don't think there's anything wrong in that, I don't think that we should just take whatever that comes our way. There's really nothing wrong in being fussy.

And you have every right to be fussy if you know what you want.

Provided you're not fickle minded, that is.

Because then, you'd just be causing others a whole lot of problems.

The thing is we know what we want down to the "T", it saves us a lot of hassle of having to decide there and then, or even to settle for less.

So, no, I don't apologize for being fussy because I know what I want and I wouldn't have it any other way.

On another note, I am losing my OCD touch. I never lose things, because even though my space is a mess, it is an organized mess. I know where everything is exactly. And I HATE people touching my stuff and misplacing it. And I HATE inefficient, incompetent people who cause idle time to others as well.

There's an age old joke that makes fun of how women want to be in control of their own lives. Who doesn't? Maybe it's because guys these days have no balls. The thing is women have come a long way and I think we deserve to be in control of our own lives because we do a pretty good job at it. We think way ahead of guys and we can definitely think faster plus we pay more attention to details. The only think we have to pull us down is our emotional side, and the bitching. No one's perfect, right?

I'm just bitching now because suddenly, I've realised that I am slowly losing control of my own life. AND I DON'T LIKE IT. I cant believe I'm saying this, but I want to go home badly now. And I want my crazy hour classes to start soon. I want to be left alone, and then I know I will put everything back into order and be in control of my life again. I am a control freak, I know it, and I'm embracing it as a woman. I'm out of my elements, I'm losing things, misplacing them, dropping them. I keep forgetting things and I keep clashing up my appointments. I never needed an organizer, but I think I do now. I need to be in control again, badly. I need to because it's good for me. I control my own fate and my destiny is in my own hands. No one should be allowed to decide for me because they are not the ones who will have to bear the consequences..

I'm talking nonsense again because I'm not in the right state of mind...meh!

I am another one of Jane's self-realization moments

2009-10-08T12:24:00.001-07:00

I am in the midst of replying to someone's email, when suddenly I realized that it is a privilege to be able to hit rock bottom. Well of course you don't intentionally dive down a ravine just so you can literally hit rock bottom in a figurative way, but I know many people who have never really felt like dying. Of course you have your occasional I'm-so-stressed-with-assignments-I-just-wish-I'd-die moments, and your He-left-me-so-now-I-have-no-meaning-in-life-anymore periods, but how many of you have really felt so damn mother fucking tired, that you can't even be bothered to smile, you can't even be bothered to move your eyeballs to look at a person, can't even be bothered to open your mouth for sounds to come out to defend something someone just said, no matter how wrong you know it is?

People talk about giving up, about wanting to let go. I finally understand what separates the people who give up easily from the people who know when to let go. I never did give up easily. I just didn't know how to let go. No matter how bleak the end looked, how non-beneficial it maybe, I always tried to finish what I'd started, unless there was someone there to put a stop to it. And even then I'd still be thinking of it, thinking of how-if's and would-have's and should-have's and would-be's. It was just this habit that I had. Sort of another one of my obsessive compulsions. Any parent would have thought it was a good thing. I finally decided to do ACCA during the midst of my Foundation year. At that point, the counselors told me that ACCA did not accept my foundation and that I had to start from CAT all over again. I refused to accept that and continued on with my Foundation anyway. I finished it, barely passing some of my last papers due to obsessive compulsive playing and loitering around. But the main point is that I finished. And ACCA did accept my qualifications because of my average grade. However, everyone forgets that even good habits have negative effects. Early last year, my friends and I decided to share a condominium in Lagoon View because we didn't like the fact that we had to share our room with strangers and have them touch our things without our permission, only to find them lying around somewhere else, in a non-usable condition. As in every case, I was the brains of the operation. But as luck would have had it, complications never even imaginable popped up. I don't know why I meet stupid people like this that get me into trouble. I swear. Fortunately, I wasn't dealing with one of those cut-throat agents and I managed to negotiate my way out of the whole mess after weeks and sleepless nights of exhausting all resources. That was the day I learnt to give up. The day I learnt that we can only plan, and the rest is up to God. He will have it any way He wants, only with the exception that we have to give it our all. That is knowing when to give up. When you've done all you've can, and you're certain you can do no more. It's so easy to explain, but so difficult to put into practise, because even those who give up easily will think that they're certain they can do no more. I guess it can only come with practice and experience.

Back to the main topic, I've been going through the Kubler-Ross model like a vicious perpetual cycle for the past three months; Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance, only to start right from the start again. I think I've done all I can. I know I've done my part. I fulfilled my promise, but I can't do no more. It's time for me to be selfish. Because I have a life too. Here I am, trying to simplify life for others, accommodate to them, with my own life only nagging at the back of my head. I need to learn that if I'm not selfish for myself, then no one will be. No one will be as accommodating as I am. No one will simplify my life for me. No one will study for me. And no one will decide my future for me. No one will do what it takes to reach the targets I've set. Well, my mum tries, but she fails miserably, and makes an even bigger mess for me to clean up.

After two decades of not seeing eye-to-eye with her, I'm slowly coming to terms with her. I still may not see eye to eye with her, but I'm slowly starting to understand where she's coming from. I think it's only when you let go of that stupid idea in your head, and make allowance for other possibilities that you realize that there is at least a slight tinge of truth in whatever that is you're fighting against.

They say that mothers know best. I used to disagree whole-heartedly. But now I understand that mothers THINK they know best, but they aren't exactly entirely wrong as well. For example, my mother told me that she really didn't like me staying in that house because she thought that I'd be bogged down with many other responsibilities of which aren't mine. In accounting, we call this substance over form. In form, there really wasn't much to it. Everyone would have thought it was a fantastic deal. But in substance, there are many other requisites to be fulfilled, some not even written in fine print, not even carried out as if it was expected of me, and some even denied down to the core. It is an Asian culture to respect your elders. You do not scream at them, you do not yell at them, you do not tell them they're wrong, and you definitely cannot confront them. I think that is where I picked up that I should never say 'no'. Why write them down, you ask. Well where else am I supposed to release all this anger? I cannot deny that having the brat was great joy and great companionship. But I had to constantly remind myself that he was not mine, that was the part that desolved what ever glue I had to hold myself together. In addition to that, I always had to deal with unnecessary stress. Of which I still have to deal with now. They don't know, because I keep quiet. I'm so tired they hear it in my voice, but I never tell them the reason. And the lies that they told me, to make me feel wanted to make me feel good. All just for their own benefit, it's like how you bribe the kitchen God with sticky sweet food every Chinese New Year so that they'd give a good report to their superior. I was fat with all the praises and I forgot who I was. My mother brought me down to earth. I did what she wanted me to do to keep her off my back, but I had to do what I want to keep my promise to my friend, and now that I have fulfilled my part of the promise, I find it fit for me to live my own life and I now find myself looking for lies to rid myself of the other person on my back. The difference is that this person isn't my actual mother, and I can't tell her the truth. I must remember that whatever I say can be twisted and turned and reported to a higher authority, of which I either have to answer to, or would be so filled with lies that I wouldn't even have a chance to defend myself. But I have done all I can, and I think it's time for me to be selfish.

If I had stayed on wherever I was, I definitely wouldn't have all these problems. Now even the other person is going to think that I intentionally left the hostel to help them. I didn't. I just wanted my own space, and I thought that I'd have all the space I want there, but it turned out the total opposite. Now that I'm back, I see that my mother was right. The house is the root of all the problems. But like I said, my mother only THINKS she knows best for me. She only gave me a few days to find a place to stay, and if she had waited a bit more, I would have saved us both a lot of money and frustration. I'm back under the hostel, and I have no complains because I have no boyfriend or even boy friend to want to sneak in. But I am reminded constantly of their inefficiency and their stupidity and their sheer laziness that I really regret even wanting to come back. I cannot for the life of me understand people who do not have passion for their jobs. Why bother working in the first place? If you're unhappy with your job, you should constantly be looking for another job that suits you. I do agree that you need money to put food on the table, but if you know you don't like your job, just carry on until the opportunity for you to find a better suited job comes up. But no, they'd stick to this stupid job, and make life harder for everyone. I don't want to shoot myself. I want you all to shoot YOURSELVES. Plainly because you deserve it. I know I live in an idealistic world of my own. But don't you agree that if you want something so badly, if you want quality of life, you have to work for it? You have to constantly look for windows of opportunities opening up? No one ever got to where they were just sitting down.

Like I said before, it's a privilege to have hit rock bottom. Because the only way to look when you're way down there, is up. Billie Jean said that pressure is a privilege. These are the little things in life we moan and groan about, but we do not realise that these are the things that make us who we are. I was and always am under pressure. But I love it, and whole-heartedly embrace it. Because I know that pressure is what got me here, and pressure is what's going to take me further. Sure, you can become somebody if you've never hit rock bottom. But you don't realise your full potential. It takes way much more effort to be able to pull yourself up and rise again. And once you're at it, you'd be able to pull yourself all the way up to the top. THAT is something that people who have never hit rock bottom will find difficult to achieve. I love the fact that I am obsessive and compulsive. I love the fact that the littlest detail has to be perfect before it surpasses me. I love the fact that I get paranoid that it's not. I love the fact that I get emotionally drained because things don't go my way because I see them to be so perfect in all their entirety.

And what is rock bottom, you may ask? In the simplest way described,

When you see all the doors slammed in your face,

When you look around and find that no one understands you (usually a delusion),

When you knowingly perform a self-destructing act consecutively just so you can run away from reality,

When you want to cry, but the tears won't fall and there's something stuck in your throat,

When you lie down in bed,

and feel as if your brain is pleading for your heart to pump,

for your trachea to open up for air to enter and exit,

your lungs feel as if they've they have a 20 tonne weight on each of them,

every single passage in your respiratory system seems to have shut its doors,

it feels as if the air has to force its way through the trachea,

the larynx,

each bronchi,

every bronchus

every bronchiole

until each and every aveoli,

only to find that it would need to force its way out again.

Your eyes are closed,

you lay in complete silence,

the air-conditioner is the only thing you can hear,

but your thoughts are racing through your mind,

they won't let you sleep,

in pitch black silence you feel as if you're surrounded by voices reminding you that you need to wake up tomorrow,

you wish you'd fall asleep,

you wish you'd never wake up,

only to wake up tomorrow,

knowing that you have to face all that all over again,

wondering when it would end.

I think the hardest lesson for me to learn is to speak up for myself, to rid myself of this low self-esteem, to know that I am as important as everyone else, and to let others know that I too want to be happy. So far I've only been able to do that to the closest of my friends. And even that, sometimes he misunderstands me. Let me rephrase that, he always does, and he has no idea how important he is to me. But I know that I was, but never am, of same importance to him. That's life. When you move past that stage of depression and all-time low, you only remember the person who was there for you, not what he/ she did for you. I think, right now, I really can't be bothered if he ever found out what I think about him, because I think I trust him enough to know me not to confront him with such things. So am I now in the acceptance stage, or the bargaining stage?

It's weird how these wise old people come up to you and give you advice about life. They're not exactly wrong, but they aren't entirely true either. It's just that the advice they're giving is way too general, and they've past that stage way too long ago to remember the finer points. I like days when I make sense of it, only to uncover the exceptions to the rules written in fine print.

Please excuse me, I have to go and pick up a cheque that is not mine.

post note: I need to ascertain time and time again that he is NOT my boyfriend, never was, never will be. And I most certainly do not have a crush on him. Our relationship is purely platonic (I know it's hard to believe, but I found a keeper) and will never go the other way, I wouldn't want it to go in direction. He's just a very big part of my life, because he was there when I bloomed, and he helped shaped me and mold me. He will never know this, but I owe much of my character to him. I was lifeless before I came to KL. I only got my personality after that. And he was with me all the way, until now. That, is another story for another day.

All my blogs are of anger, depression, frustration, disappointment. I need something else to write about!!!

I am Jane out of my elements

2009-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

The title of this post was supposed to be something else,
about me losing my touch.
Becoming disorganize and oblivious.

I'm not at the verge of breaking anymore..
I am already breaking.
I really can't take anything anymore.
I scream and shout,
but my voice is drowned out by everybody's.
I'm drowning, sinking..slowly dying...

Somehow, I remembered the song.
And then I realised that I was always alone...

I'm caught in a one way street, with the monsters in my head, while my hopes and dreams are far away..

I am Jane, the cause of my misery

2009-09-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Can't deny that I am the cause of my own misery.

I feel like crap now..

Really really crappy crap..

So bad I feel like I curling up in a corner and dying there.

I wish Kaiser was a man...

At least he's sensitive towards my feelings

Why am I feeling like this.

Once again, I rocked the boat and now I have to bear the consequences.

All of a sudden I don't feel like talking about it.

I feel like crap.

Please kill me. Do me a favour, end the cause of my misery.

I am Jane trying to keep her cool

2009-09-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Relax Jane, relax.
Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Breathe in,

Breathe out...

It was an accident...

OHMIGODTHEYARETRYINGTOKILLMYBABY!!!

:'(

why do things like this ONLY happen to me and my possessions??
WHY WHY WHYY!!!

I never wished I was any more dead than I am now..

God, if you're listening, I don't want to play this game anymore.

It's not fun AT ALL!!!

I am Jane's screaming wardrobe

2009-09-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

They say you only wear 20% of whatever you have in your wardrobe. I think I only put 10% into use.

So many pretty clothes.

They still look so new and definitely never out of fashion.

I always get complemented for my taste.

Everything needs to be pleasing to the eye.

I don't know when I let myself go.

I don't know when I started becoming lazy and NOT care.

I don't know why I don't have the same determination I had before.

So many pretty clothes.

All mine.

But none I can fit into without looking into the mirror and wanting to puke.

Start today!!

Oh, wait. There's that Sushi lunch appointment with Sam, Sasha and Hasan.

Okay, right after that. No more excuses.

Think of all the good times..

I am Jane bumming around

2009-09-27T11:08:00.001-07:00

It's official. I'm a bummer. Oh-Ammm-Gee!!

I need to stop this self-destructing habit.

I need to study if I want to leave next year.

I need to. I have no excuse.

I know I have to leave Kaiser.

It breaks my heart to.

But I have no choice.

Now if he were MY dog, that would be a different story.

But he's not. No matter how much I love him as my own he's not.

I want to go home.

Home to me is where I can be at peace.

And right now that's in my RM920 room!!

I'm currently packing to leave.
I know I promised to come visit, but I can only do so until November.

This isn't fair to me.

I think I know what's best for me.

And I know I can't study here.

Kaiser knows I'm leaving.

He doesn't like it.
I understand that.

He needs to know I love him as well.

But this is my future and my happiness at stake.

He fell asleep in the corner while I was packing.

He had a nightmare and started whimpering.

I picked him up and hugged him close.

He just let me.

I think I can guess as much what his nightmare was.

But I can't.

All these guilt trips are not meant for me.

Don't make me say nasty things.

Don't make me point out selfishness.

Ohmigod.

I just want to be myself.

By myself.

I. Want. To. Be. F.R.E.E.

I am Jane's quickie before bed

2009-09-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

A very close friend just messaged me on MSN 10 minutes ago and we had one of those conversations that reminded me why we were close. There are days when I just want to distant myself from him, and there are even days when I feel like he and I aren't really friends anymore. Those are the days when I feel like he will not honour his promise to me. And yet, time and time again, at that very point just before I give up, he comes in with these kind of conversation to remind me exactly that. People say you can find plenty of friends who are ever willing to have fun and laugh with you. But this friend is always closer when I need to cry (or when he needs to cry) whereas when we're just talking nonsense, he and I have drifted apart over the years. It's like we're not in the same wavelength anymore. It's so weird. It's not like I'm no fun. We used to hang out every single day. We used to love each other's company. And for people like us who love our personal space, I think that's really impossible. But like I said, I outgrow people way faster than anyone else. And I can't just sit and wait for them to grow up at my own expense, I want to know everything that I'm capable of. And so, we drift apart, and I am definitely the one who grows out of the wavelength. But I'm glad we still share heart to heart conversations. People think that I am at times, immature. I can't be mature in everything, but I am definitely, out of my own league. I know it for sure, because can you imagine that this guy is three years older than I am, who is considered by everyone to be more mature for his age, but yet when we met three years ago, we were on the same wavelength, and today, I've outgrown the things he loves doing? I'm not saying I'm boring, I've just gone pass teasing and screaming like a mad woman, to a certain extent. We still hangout, but it doesn't feel anything like what we used to anymore.

This friend was feeling unusually depressed because he had just gone clubbing with his friends, and it didn't feel anything like what he used to do when he was here. The fact is, it can really never be the same, can it? If it were the same, it would be useless to go over there. He missed how he used to be able to pick up girls easily here, but there's no one there who wouldn't think that he's looking for a one night stand. Apparently he feels like a loser, so imagine how other ordinary guys feel. And now, after fooling around for more than a year in Malaysia, and almost a year of 'celibacy', he now wants a girlfriend for fun and to hug and cuddle with. When he said that, my stupid idealistic bubble just burst. And I remembered why I was in a relationship. I know I just got out of one, and I'm definitely not looking now, but one day I'm going to feel like that. And that feeling SUCKS. I know that the other person is feeling it too, but we're better off apart for both our own good. Right now, I'm pretty sure what I want my relationship status is, but what's going to happen when that feeling strikes? And it's not like there are warning signs or anything.

Why are we made this way? Adam and Eve? To complement each other, to be life partners. Why do we have this stupid urge to find our significant other, and hopefully one who will last? And when we do, we go through a honeymoon period where we try to be each other's ideal partner, only to find out that we're not when the period is over and our eyes are opened. We get stuck in routines, we get bored, we wonder what if, we fight, we make up, and then we fight some more, only to fit the stereotype of what society deems fit as a 'couple', and then we fight and we fight some more, we cry, sometimes we make up, other times it just ends. Rinse and repeat. It's not like we don't love each other when we're together, we just fall out of love sometimes. And other times, we love the person so much we don't want to ever see ourselves hating each other. Why are we so complicated? Why do we need to be in a relationship? Why do we need that stupid mushy feeling when we get cuddled? Why do we smile when we wake up to the other person's face? Why do you feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when that person hugs you? Why do you feel like no one else but you matters to him when he kisses you? And that stupid perpetual smile on your face when you're walking hand in hand in public. And then you want more.

My friend claims that he has no one who cares for him. I am a strong advocate against empathy, but I definitely know that feeling. And I know for sure that he fits no where near that category. He is blessed with so much charm that everyone instantly likes him. He of all people can afford to pick at his friends, he of all people has no right to say that no one cares for him because although there are so many who come to him just to have fun, there are people like me and two other friends who are constantly by his side no matter what. To be honest, all three of us are feeling very lost without him. I am for sure. I am VERY lost. He may not be my boyfriend, and we may have our differences, I may not mean as much as he means to me, but I am very lonely without him here. It's not like I don't have friends, it's just that he is the only constant in my life. And I don't have a lot of that. I know other people care for me as well, but sometimes, in a way that irritates me. I know that talking about him might drive other friends away, but no other person has shown me that he can be as consistent as he is. I don't know, no matter how little effort he puts inside, sometimes there are little things that he says that break through this opaque ceiling falling on me, and I see a small glimpse of light of which I'm able to use to guide me out of what ever mess I'm in. I finally missed him today, a discussion someone else was having made me realised that. It's not that I don't care about anything else, like I said, he is the only constant I have in my life. I'm considering putting a password on this but I don't know how.

Long rant. But I feel satisfied now, but I can't sleep.

I am Jane after watching BEP live!!

2009-09-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Something about Taboo from Black Eyed Peas draws me to him. Tall, long hair, sharp features. white pants and black singlet...MMph!!

That's the best thing about staying here. You get to see every single concert that is.

But I still want to go to a good live concert before I graduate.

And a rave party...

I am Jane, and I'm definitely human

2009-09-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

They say to err is human, to forgive is divine.
If that's the case, then I'm definitely human, and I intend to stay human.

Call me sour, bitter young-but-seems-older-than-her-age lady.

But some of the things that people have done to me are so evil that I can't possibly imagine someone trying to tell me to forgive.

I have always been wronged.

To pay for someone else's mistakes

To swallow someone else's fault

All at the expense of my bigger-than-ever pride and ego.

And if it's bigger than what even I can take, I'd most likely have kept it to myself.

I've been reading Sixthseal.com and I've fallen absolutely in love with it.

He's made it big, but he hasn't changed his writing style unlike the other big bloggers.

I'd like to meet this guy, in person.

Not like how I met Kenny Sia (which I doubt he'd even remember 5 minutes later)

I want to intern with Nuffnang, to have a fun job before I turn boring.

I want to do something I really love.

Just read one of his posts where he confessed that he is Veritas, (another reason I want to meet him, because unlike so many other people, he doesn't care about how the substance he consumes will affect his body. Seriously, with all the radiowaves and the second hand smoke and thinning of the ozone layer? We're all doomed anyway) the drug (ab)user. Come on, we've all done something to ease our pain one way or the other. Who's to decide which is right and which is wrong? But there was one sentence that captured my thoughts right there and then. "The writing itself should have tipped you off. The writing style, formation of sentences, terminology, language quirks and favorite words should be a dead giveaway. :) It's hard to change one's writing, it's like a fingerprint." (Sixthseal.com)

I suddenly had a flashback, and I'm pretty sure most people have forgotten about it. But I haven't being the vengeful person with good memory I am.

In the year 2002, when we were all in Form 2, this friend who has been on-and-off close to me, and now seems to be permanently broken off received a 'poisonous' letter (what we called surat racun) from an anonymous writer stating her utmost hate towards the former. The former reported the case to the class teacher who then reported it to the discipline teacher who then reported it to the Afternoon Supervisor who then reported it to the HEM (Hal Ehwal Murid) teacher until it finally reached the Headmistress who somehow took the thing so seriously (of which till today I can't understand why) that she called for a full inspection of the letter, together with interrogation and witnesses.

I came into the picture because of the bombastic fantastic plastic English in which the letter was written in (or rather, type-written in to add suspense and anonymity to it), which ironically made me a prime suspect. I'm sorry but to whoever who wrote the letter, I think you were just wasting your talent away. Because I, for one wouldn't have wasted my time on such petty people (no offence to the former despite our conflicts). I don't even confront people who are close to me. But step on my tail if you're some random stranger and prepare to be beheaded.

But of course, I'm sure the suspect would have given names and it is to the Headmistress' discretion to keep it a secret, but I was called up for questioning. I didn't do it, I had nothing to fear. Me being me, living in my own world, I didn't even know such a letter existed and obviously denied everything. I didn't even have anything to do with it, let alone PEN IT DOWN.

At the end of the day, the anonymous writer was never caught, and we lived happily ever after till the end of 2005, NOT. Who are you kidding? It's a Convent school for crying out loud! We have a reputation to maintain; the backstabbing, the bitching, the gossiping, the giggling, the making-fun-of, the raping, the teasing. Can't deny that I was purely innocent and never did anything, but I would never harmed anyone till that extent. Not even till the extent of what I went through. I don't know. I don't know how others can do it, but I never did. I'd play a prank, device a plan, but never hurt someone badly (Maybe Jo Ann can prove me wrong, I don't know). Well if I did unintentionally scar you emotionally, I'm sorry.

The thing is, it was my way of writing that made me less suspicious. Because no teacher in school taught me how to write. My grammar came from my mother's meticulous character (of which I'm slowly degenerating due to the fact that I am surrounded by people who can't speak proper English and therefore can't understand proper English and so English has to be spoken in a broken way in order for them to decipher). Good English grammar is so hard to maintain, but broken English is CONTAGIOUS!! I'm not saying that I'm William Shakespeare or anything, I'm just stating a fact. My way of writing is unique to me. And every teacher knew that. Some may have done it to suck up to my mum, but it took one who genuinely knew my writing style to stand up for me, and the rest just followed on with the same argument. Fortunately, at the end of the day, the Headmistress did take things into her own hands and inspected my essay book, and found it true enough. And my name was cleared, at least for that crime.

A lot of things happened through out the years. Some that I remember clearly, some that I remember only when triggered by similar recurring events. And some, when I read that someone else has gone through the same thing. But I do know that I remember them all clearly. It just takes a matter of time to put the pieces back together. And of course, a catalyst to get things started.

You can call me a vengeful person. But I do not seek vengeance upon them, I just merely remember what they have done to me. Is that wrong? And why, do you ask, that I bring this matters up, even after so many years? Because I simply can. Because sometimes, after years, I finally understand and make meaning of its occurrence. And if you must, because I want to read this back when I'm old and laugh at how over-sensitive I was. I'm not blogging this down for you, I'm blogging this for my own self. I'm not asking for attention. If I were, I would have publicized my domain everywhere, on MSN, on facebook, Twitter, everwhere, which you don't see me doing. This is here for those who care to see. Because if you don't, you obviously wouldn't read it. Heck, even most of my closest friends don't know I own a blog. I'm sentimental like that. I like my stuff and my memories, and I intend to keep them for myself.

So yes, please contribute to my bank of emotionally painful events. I say that with sincerely the utmost sarcasm you can ever imagine.

I am Jane basking in her Royal Purple-ness

2009-09-24T13:02:00.001-07:00

I do stupid things when I'm stressed up. Things that I contemplate on other days, joke about when I'm happy (and drunk), and jump into doing the minute my stress level goes over my head.

I'd say all these things are not wasted. Besides being anti-depressants, they are also indicators of certain achievements, some of which I can share, and some of which no one will ever know.

Things that I've done include:

Having streaks of orange hair (which later on turned blonde)
Multiple piercings on each ear (some of which are pierced more than once, on the same spot, resulting in different channels leading to the same surface)
Streaks of bright red hair (which literally went down the drain)
Grown obsessively thin
Only to grow disgustingly fat back (and now trying to grow disgustingly thin again)
Pierced my belly button (which suddenly swelled up yesterday, bled and had stuff coming out, PLEAASEE STAYYYY)
DYED MY HAIR FREAKING BRIGHT PURPLE!!!

This is why Diane says that I am never boring. However, I have been very clumsy lately, losing things and dropping stuff =( I lost my old student ID which I intended to keep as a momento. I just hope it mysteriously pops back up again...

I want booze. And I find it disturbingly ironic about how people comment about the amount of ethanol I consume, but are all rushing to the new so-called "SKY BAR" that just opened up (It doesn't even look anything like the original). Oh, come on. GET A LIFE! So it's NOT okay for me to drink, but it's okay for YOU to drink?

I used to be stupid, thinking I was inferior to them. But today, I wouldn't trade places with any of them and their superficial boring life. At least I'm colourful. MUAHAHA. Too much self-praising for today.

I am Jane in all her lame-ness

2009-09-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

I just found out about the whole Nuffnang awards thing and jokingly told stupid monkey HEMA:

"If Nuffnang had a "Most Emo Blog" category, I'd definitely win right?"

Hehe...admit it!! I make ALL OF YOU as miserable as I am. Just reading me sucks you into an abyss of gloominess. Nah, I'm just exaggerating. I'm not always gloomy. I just have very bad mood swings. Very. Bad. Mood swings.

I woke up today, and reality finally hit me.

I've gone through a break up

I'm now SINGLE

but not yet AVAILABLE

and definitely not ready to MINGLE

So what's the point of being single?

I'm married to myself and the dog currently. I'm counting the days till he won't be by my side 24/7 anymore =(

I want my own dog!!

On another note, I finally see what the cause of all my problems was. And now that I'm back where I started, I feel very very much better. VERY. More relaxed and definitely more settled.

And all that space..MMph!!

However, there is a price to pay. A huge price to pay. How I wish I never got a car.

I still am leaving the country. No doubt about that.

I am Jane, quizzical

2009-09-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

In a very serious manner:

Why do girl friends feel the need to name their boyfriend's penises?

And it's okay if you have some strong masculine name like Superman or Amon Ra.

But you often get Princess something something and Sir something something. This is what I have from my friends:

Girl B: Sir SnagglePuss Rise-a-lot

Girl S: Princess Petunia, or Princess P for short

I felt emasculated on behalf of both guys..seriously???

And more interestingly, from a guy friend, a guy whom I never would have guessed he'd do such stupid things. And even better still, there's a long array of names, due to the number of girls he's had:

1. Princess Sofia (wtf)

2. THOR (this one, he named himself, on his own will!!)

3. Chocolate Cupcake (from his 'gay' partner friend)

4. N***s**cal (just to annoy me, he combined the name of two of the guys of whose name makes my blood boil till this very date)

And just to make things even more interesting, my friend decided to name her boobs Karma and Sutra.

What have you named yours?

I am Jane in ZEN

2009-09-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Madam S. S. Menon has named my room ZEN, after their HEAVEN.

I couldn't agree more.

This is the room I intend to find peace in.

And this is where I will HAVE it.

Funny how freaking long my emo blogs are and how short this one is.

Oh well, you people complain I drag you down together into my sorrow anyway.

So here I am, spreading some ZEN.

Goodnight! I have another Menon to see tomorrow..

Menon at the beginning at Menon at the end.. HAHAHA

Now everybody say it with me... OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I am Jane screaming on the inside

2009-09-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

I think I just found the significance of turning twenty.

More pain, more problems, more types of problems.

I wished for my old life back, I wished I could write like I used to.

I'm getting what I wished for.

Problem-stricken life, hence the ability to write like I used to.

God, I'm asking you directly now.

I'm coming forward and asking you.

What is it that I have done so wrong that you must surround me with all these people?

What is it that I have done so wrong that I do not deserve what others have?

What is it that I didn't do to not deserve your mercy?

Why is it that I don't have a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to tell me everything's okay and really mean it?

Why must I feel all of this?

Why am I being suffocated?

Why am I not allowed to breathe?

Why do I deserve these kind of people around me?

Am I just as bad?

At the age of 20, I one day woke up and decided that although I know it will be impossible for my mum and I to see eye to eye, that I will at least try to accommodate to her.

What do I get?

Rejected, mocked, and bullied.

And of course, people trying to sabotage my every attempt, including my own mother.

Really, should I just give up and be the unwanted child?

Will that make everyone happier?

Shall I continue going against their every word

Just because I can?

Maybe I will be happier

Knowing that I am doing it to spite everyone.

And most importantly, succeeding in doing it.

I don't know how true this is, but people say that we are closer as compared to the other.

But I don't feel that way.

I know that we talk alot about the latter and it's problems

But the latter feels more comfortable talking to the other

And whenever the other asks, the latter jumps

When I ask, the latter contemplates.
How is that?

I guess it's because you're comfortable enough to know that I will always be there no matter what shit you throw at me.

That I will not blame or resent or even remember

Perhaps even not notice

Time and time again, I feel like I'm not doing myself justice

That I should just let it die

And time and time again, I let myself fall into the same trap

I am over-sensitive, over sentimental, paranoid.

All of which are a horrible combination.

And yet, I have nothing to support me.

Nothing

Nothing at all...

Name one person.

I challenge you

Only a dog that's not mine

Whose innocent mind is being brain-washed

I wish he could speak

Sometimes I wish that the people would read this and know

But I know that if they were to know

They'd get hurt

But the irony is that the blame will still be on me

Why didn't I voice my opinions out?

Why didn't I say so earlier?

Why am I such a bitch to bitch about this?

Why am I being a coward to write these all down and not confront them?

Why do I have to be over-sensitive?

Why did I accuse?

Why am I just being me?

Why?

Because you all never asked yourself how you treated me.

"It's okay, she's nobody."

"I know for a fact that she can be angry at me, but when I come crying, she will receive me with arms wide open"

Yes, God. That is what You claim You will do as well. I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I'd like a friend like me for myself.

This morning, I wasn't allowed to leave, I left with guilt, and I wasn't allowed to stay a place I can call my own.

I'm frustrated if you don't notice.

But then again, who does?

Jane is jane.

She is just Jane.

What can she do?

She will take all our shit anyway.

And how the hell am I supposed to know why she's being so sensitive?

Urgh!! Stupid bitch!

It's not like I don't know that I'm being used. I let you because I take pity on you.

Because I see how others treat you and I don't want to do the same.

But why are you doing what others are doing to you, to me?

Bleeding, aching, crying and screaming on the inside.

I am Jane trapped in a box and thrown into the deep blue sea

2009-09-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I'm beyond repair now

This time it is not incident after incident that has gotten me worked up

But person after person trying to run my life

One has more right than the other

But that doesn't give her the right to do so

The other has no right but is good at psychological warfares

But she still has no right to do so

They both know my weakness

Scold me for it

Scream at me to not let others take advantage of it

But they themselves are using this to their maximum advantage

I am surrounded by so many people, yet I am alone

I am lonely, yet I want to be left alone.

HELP ME..I always thought I was close to breaking point, never knowing that once you surpass that, nothing matters anymore except yourself, and you just hold on to any last string of hope to stop you from snapping, lashing out, breaking lose...

ultimately hurting everyone else, but myself,

When I am the one hurting the most here.

For what joy, I have no idea. I can't say I miss my old life. I just want to move forward and leave all these things and people behind. I don't want any excess baggage, just a free spirit and a wandering mind to start anew.

Is that so hard to ask?

I am Jane in love

2009-09-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

I am in love again.

He's sweet

He doesn't say much, heck he doesn't say anything

He's there when I need him

He gives me the right dose of frustration

I have to pick up after him

Feed him

At times he has his mood swings and PMS-es

He dirties the place

Steals my food

Looks at me with his pathetic adorable big sparkly eyes

Gives me hugs and kisses

Kisses my wounds

Kisses his own wounds

Lets me scream and shout at him

Lends me both shoulders to cry on

He's hairy

Fuzzy

With a goatee and a moustache

Begs me to play with him

Irritates me when I'm just about to sleep

Snuggles beside me just because he can

Feels the need to attach his body to mine as if he's an extension

Wakes me up by licking me all over

Never lets me leave his sight

Moans and groans and shows his temper when I'm about to go out without him

Loves car rides

Calms me down when I'm scared (especially when I'm lost in the middle of no where!)

Tries his luck when he thinks I'm in a good mood, only to get rejected every single time

Makes me laugh when he thinks I'm super stressed out by doing silly things

Tries to protect me even though he really can't (Aww!!)

He's as OCD as I am (perhaps even worse)

He's won my parents' hearts

He's handsome, tall for his kind, dark in certain spots, adorable, hairy, fuzzy, just the way I like them..

He struggled through the great sea of my quilt just to snuggle beside me

And then he made his way down to my foot and rest his little fuzzy head on it and refuses to budge no matter how much I move..

I love him dearly and I don't know how I'm going to leave with him not sleeping by my side (I really don't know how Sunil did it)

He's not mine, but I love him from the very depths of my heart as if he is my own

He brings me pain, but makes up for it with thrice the amount of joy he brings to me

I don't care what others think of him

No matter how paranoid and hyperactive he is...

And most importantly, he loves me back dearly...

He makes me feel as if I'm the most important person in the world..

Despite having more insecurities than anyone..

So much, that I forget that I have to give him back..

And that hurts me the most..

Kaiser puppy, if I ever get a dog, I want him to be the reincarnation of you. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you just the way you are.

You are MY summer fling..one that will always be remembered..

I am Jane, claustrophobic

2009-07-13T09:12:00.001-07:00

Sunil left today (this is a delayed post), the fact hasn't sunk in yet, but I do know that Kaiser is impossible to be angry at! But I do know that he will be a good training for whoever who will make me happier later on. I miss talking to Sunil, but then again, it is undeniable that we did grow a bit apart when he was here. Maybe absence will make the heart fonder, hopefully return every thing to normal.

I'm feeling so trapped right now, and I have no idea why. Have some planning to do, but then again, all of this is up to God. You don't hear me saying that often, but I have my own opinions about God. It may not agree with everybody else's but I'm comfortable in knowing that my believes have not made me a bad person. I'm so suffocated I can't even hear myself talk and I definitely want to be alone.

I can't even vent out my frustrations here =(.

I just hope this laid back semester continues like this. Please let me pass all my three papers. :(
I may seem as if I have all the guts in the world, but I do have a few phobias, including needles, and claustrophobia. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in a new place, just like I wanted, but every night it takes forever for me to sleep, imagining the walls closing on me. I'm a horrible person I know. I really shouldn't be complaining. It is still a blessing in disguise, because now I'll think of getting to where I want even more, in a faster way.

For once, Jane wishes she was at home, or rather, had her own home. And I am still car-less!

I am Jane, Low Behold

2009-07-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Do you know what happens when you feel down? I'm not talking about rage here. I'm talking about disappointment, sadness, disbelief.
You feel numb to the world, it's as if your instincts are trying to protect you from getting hurt further.
You don't know what is spinning around you.
You honestly don't really care.
Your heart rate slows down significantly.
It feels as if it's threatening to stop any minute now if you don't pay attention.
You feel it pulsating against your rib cage, through your bones, through the tissue, through your skin, all the way to the outermost layer of your being.
You feel as if it radiates this moody aura around you.
Perhaps only animals will be able to sense it.
But it is possible to hide it from other human beings.
You feel so numb to the outside world, yet so cautious about your own self.
All you want to do, is to curl up somewhere,
in bed, in a corner.
In the dark.
Absorbing in the ambience, and all the darkness that surrounds you.
Hoping that you'd forget this feeling before it subsumes you.

Jane is feeling ridiculous. But she's definitely feeling herself. Sense that big changes are coming, decided for the betterment of two parties, good or bad, only time will tell.

I am Jane's second experience in the same year

2009-07-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I decided to play hero and drive in KL to fetch my friend with a rented car. Everything started well, until I was directed to make a wrong turn, after which I started panicking and everything went downhill (literally) from there..I couldn't even bloody balance the car on the slope! Which was my worst weakness. Somewhere along the line, I met with a minor accident (I blame all this on MT3) when I accidentally 'kissed' a stationary car while parking because I forgot to switch to a lower gear. You know the funny thing is, that I didn't feel fear at that point.

Today, Sam and I went to meet Sunil and Auntie for Transformers since Sunil has been dying to try out the new platinum seats in Cineleisure. Sam was running late, and so we made it to Damansara from Sunway in about 15 minutes. On the way home, everything was going fine, except that it was raining, I don't know how, but I thought that Sam was in control, and that he was purposely doing it (because on the way there, he did a lot of squeezing just to get ahead of other cars) when his car skidded and hit the divider. I didn't exactly see my life flashing before me, all I know was the only thing going through my mind was "OHMIGOD, THERE'S A DIVIDER RIGHT IN FRONT AND WE'RE HEADING RIGHT INTO IT!". But fortunately, Sam's piloting skills came into handy and amazingly, the only thing that got dented was his right wheel (I don't know all the mechanic-y stuff) and his bumper only had a single scratch. I don't know. I guess I should be thankful. But the things that are going through my mind are:

How is it that I do not have a sense of fear of death?
How much guts do I have?
What is going to happen when I become the driver?
Should I even start driving?
My dad's fortune teller told me last year that I had such tendencies, why has it overflowed into this year? Is it just a coincidence? It's not like I thought about it. And I definitely did not wish for it to happen.
I'm supposed to be a very paranoid person. How is it that I trust my driver friends so much and how is it that I'm not the least afraid at the speed they are going?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I NEED TO DRIVE?

On another note, we've been trying out this new experiment since Friday. I've come to a lot of revelation, even when it comes to the counterparty and all those around us. It's refreshing and definitely an eye opener. But what if it comes real? What will my real emotions be like? I don't even think I can handle it, and I definitely do not wish that it will ever happen..

Jane is feeling confused if she has human emotions. The confusing part is how she lacks some of the crucial ones, and have abundant of the rest..

p/s: Last Saturday, Mr Adel Ishak introduced me to Absinthe..have you ever seen lights zooming pass like how they appear in photos when you adjust your camera to a slower shutter speed? Please don't judge, I believe in trying out everything in life at least once, but not on a regular basis, and definitely not to the point of addiction.

I am Jane, very lost

2009-06-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've been staring at my mum for too long. All the growing up has suddenly taken MANY steps backwards and I now feel like a kid again, more precisely, like when I was in school, and when my mum used to fuss over everything I did and intervene in every way she can.

I just got back from Redang. I loved it there. If I had a choice, I'd spend the rest of my days there. Not that I don't enjoy the hustle of the city and the excitement it has to offer, but life on the beach is so laid back, so peaceful, so... I-don't-give-a-damn and I don't have to worry about people hurting me or even having to watch my back. The few days I spent there, it was the people there were NICER..friendlier, somewhat kinder and less dangerous.

Oh, if I had went alone, or with friends, it would have been the perfect get-away, but unfortunately, this whole thing was my mum's idea, and a holiday with my mum is like no holiday at all. It's like your prison warden taking out to do community service, it doesn't even feel like you're on patrol. I'm forced to wake up when she wakes up (which is always very far off whenever I'm supposed to wake up *diversion: I HATE THAT!! My mum tells me I have to get up at 8 am for this and that, so I'd set my alarm at 8am, but being her, she just has to ruin the fun out of everything, wake up at 7am, and wake ME up as well..grrrr), I'm forced to go on walks when all I want to do is lie down somewhere, I'm forced to go swimming when I hate the pool, I'm forced to eat when I'm not hungry, I get scolded when I actually get hungry, I have to follow a SCHEDULE (which I HATE), the list goes on. Holiday with mum = CHORE. I don't even look forward to it. And to add to the list, I'm not even actually allowed to go on holidays with friends!! CAN YOU PLEASE EMPATHIZE WITH HOW PATHETIC MY LIFE IS? I don't want to go there and ruin my mood.

After a fierce battle, I presumptively won my independence from her, but no, she's now being a sore loser, everything I want to do, it's always : you pay for yourself, you do it yourself, you find out yourself, you go yourself. Well then, when I do DO everything MYSELF, I get scolded for not consulting her.. HELP ME..

Anyways, this holidays is slowly slipping away, I'm not even cherishing every moment I have. Perhaps it's because I know that my real holiday is coming soon. I'm not even sure of what's going to happen in the next two months. I thought I had it figured out, I thought it'd all go smoothly, but now, everything is

My holiday was not all that bad, everytime I had the chance to, I'd slip away from the crowd, grab a book, my sunnies and my trusty pareo, lie on the sand, soak up the rays, and forget she even exists. That's how I like life now, in my own world. In the next one month, I plan to go there again, this time, alone, or with people I like, who won't push me to do things when I don't want to. But money is the missing link. Oh, how I wish I could go back right now..

There was only one original paragraph I had in mind today:

There are people who come and go in your life,
There are people who come and stay,
there are people who appear when you need help the most, and vanish after that,
there are people whom you wish would have stayed longer, but didn't
there are those who have made an impact on you, but not vice versa,
there are those whom you know aren't good for you, but will take you years to realise
there are those who seem as if they are, but they aren't
there are those whom you've met briefly, but there's this lingering feeling that there's more to them, then what meets the eye..
you'll hope you'll meet them again
you'll hope they'd remember you when you do,
you'll hope you'd know that person better,
and you'll definitely grab the opportunity when it ceases..
but sometimes you get disappointed,
sometimes it turns into something else,

Now, the question is, do you believe in fate?

Jane is dreaming but not on cloud nine, she's somewhere lost in between this serene feeling that results from this childish naive hope. The same hope she had when she was in high school. I hope when I read this again next time, I remember this same feeling...there's a 70% chance that the same thing will happen again, but there's till another 30% that says that it's different..

I am Jane swinging from mood to mood

2009-05-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'd hate to be my own beau. My mood swings are horrible, I know! But what's a girl got to do about it? I think I secretly enjoy having mood swings, although I really don't have the luxury of doing so (seeing that I am insignificant to most people, I hate that! But I've learnt to live with it). Oh, I'll leave that whiny story for another day (it involves some kiasu bitches and bastards from my class).

But on a serious note, what does go into the making of a successful woman?
Her stone-cold heartedness?
Her cut-throat bitchiness?
Her ability to manipulate people?
Her ability to maintain two faces (something I really suck at. If I don't like you, I make sure you know it. But I ain't fucking retarded and low enough to smile at you when I need something, I avoid you at all cost)?
Her ability to flash a smile and have people swoon at her feet waiting to take orders?
Her slutiness and ability to sleep all the way to the top?
Her selective hearing?
Her ability at shoe polishing?
WHAT?

It's killing me. If you have the answer, please share with me. I want to be successful, but the more I want it, the more I see myself as a cut-throat bitch. I will never succumb to sleeping my way to the top, NEVER. But bitchiness? I learnt that a long time ago. I thank you and everyone else for it. Yea, I'm being a bitch about it, bite me. So what does it take to be a successful woman? Saint Teresa, or successful corporate bitch? It seems impossible to incorporate the two into one. And I, for one, am a strong protestor against hypocracy.

Hey bitch (no one here in particular, just that one person I had to force a smile out to today), I may be emotional and irritated by your tiny stupid antics, but know that at least I'm the better person.

So yes, after a very horrible and dreadful day in class (I kept myself as far away as possible from these bitches and bastards, but no, they wouldn't leave me alone), I came home feeling like crap (heck I know I shouldn't let them make me feel that way, but I think at least I know how to FEEL, unlike them who smile and go "hello, darling, muah muah, how have you been? I was just at the Park Royal sipping tea with the minister and his wife. Oh, what a wonderful afternoon it was." *shudders..). Nikki, my niece was online, and for the first time, we spoke over facebook, she of course, asking me how I was and everything. Now THAT's a woman who knows how to twirl you around your finger. And me being me, I vented out 10 hours worth of frustration, although it didn't feel very well because she doesn't know me personally. Well, I did go downstairs to vent at Sasha who wasn't home, so Bhavini was next in line.

People always comfort me, saying that the only reason why they're doing this is because they're jealous of my achievements. I know that, but can't there be any other reasons? I mean, yes, I think I have tried that over and over again in my head, "I'm younger, I don't work as hard, but at least I have a life. I have friends who love me (maybe..I hope so..shut up, I'm not over it yet)". I know for a fact that I can lie to myself very well. So well that sometimes reality slips pass me. I am a fantasy girl. I live in my own world where it's cozier and less hostile. I live in bliss there in a white dress with a headdress of flowers running through the fields of daisies when I feel it, and sitting on the window parlour, sipping a hot cup of coffee staring out into a winter wonderland on other days (how wonderful, I get to wake up to a different season everyday depending on my mood). not very Asian, but I do get my fantasies from books. Oh, what a gift imagination is. At least I don't need to get high to imagine. How I wish..Oh, how I wish I can be transported to my dreamland forever and ever. Some how, Bhavini and Amrita seem like my soul mates, if only time would permit us to get to know one another better. I mean, these people are like the very extremes of me, impulsive, coffee-lovers, we study, but we know when to take a break, procrastinators, temperamental, mood swingers, did I mention OCD-ists, perfectionists and CONTROL FREAKS? lolz!! We just know what we want, is that wrong?

Anyway, I fell alseep watching another very disturbing episode of SouthPark, with the earphones still plugged in, and so I had this very horrible dream, what with the on-going Perak political situation going on. Urgh, I just hope it will NEVER happen. Someone actually had to set himself on fire before he was allowed to leave the state assembly hall!

But I woke up, (still feeling shitty), came across a really great song by Mariah Carrey (I don't know why, I've always liked her songs, but I've never considered any of them my favourites) and it just reminded me of how great it feels to be loved (do you still love me, beau? after all the frustration I caused (and am still causing) you? Art is a big part of my life, see how it takes me from one mood to another. Now tell me, am I in the wrong course? Good night people. Tomorrow is the last of my revision classes and the end of this hell of a semester. I will be going on a hiatus for about less than a month, see you when I feel like it. I'm feeling extremely lazy, something I can't afford to do. Wish me luck! Lots of love, since I'm feeling like it.

Mood: Swings from time to time, but currently in L.O.V.E., probably an illusion due to the song that's stuck in my head, but nevertheless, still in dreaming :p

Good night

I am Jane's Obligatory Post

2009-05-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago, I was born on this very date. I still stick by my previous year's resolution to refuse to make a big fuss over a small date. Other dates, maybe. But not this one. Maybe I was hoping that if I'd stop counting down towards it, it'd be less sucky. Well, it's a good thing that I placed no importance on it, because today went possibly quite wrong.

First, my spa getaway was put to a stop by the very fact that I am not of age (what a lame excuse).
Secondly I had to see the faces of two people that I currently despise very much due to their very existence on this planet.
Thirdly I had to sit in the LRT for two hours idling my time away when I could really hear the clock ticking on me.
Fourth my nose has been bleeding and I have no idea why, and I feel faint.
Fifth I cut my finger on a plastic tupperware (grr...plastic cuts..)
Sixth I'm craving for a good cup of coffee but there is none in sight
Seventh my roommate accidentally broke the cup that Prema and I took from Qbar when I got her super drunk

Yes, I know I should be counting my blessings. At least on this birthday, I'm not crying. Probably because I made a point to be alone and not make a big fuss over not being seen. And so I shall recall 20 blessings. At the age of 20:

I will have a degree to my name
I will have a professional cert to my name
I have a freelance job that I love and a job that I'm looking forward to exploring
I am completely comfortable with being by myself, alone. Perfectly contented.
I have a belly piercing to mark several significant events.
I'm finally glad to have hair cuts (I used to get cranky whenever my mum forced me to cut my hair because people would laugh at me the next day and I felt as if the hair dresser cut off parts of my brains because my head felt so light after it).
The number of friends I have has dropped drastically, with reclassification of many to the "acquaintances" category, but I'm perfectly contented in knowing that I was brave enough to stop myself from being false.
I've been in a relationship for more than two years, something I've never done before
I learn to stop bitching about my mum because the things she does are becoming more and more irrational, nonsensical and absurd. (does that count as bitching?) And I see how I will never be able to escape her until I make a point to do so.
I've made friends with someone whom everyone deems as superficial, and got her to get in touch with her emotions.
I've decided that dogs make better companions than humans and taking care of Kaiser puppy for 3 months will leave a big hole in my heart when he leaves.
I've learnt that I need to get a hold of myself before I can get a hold of my life
I've learnt not to let other people dictate my life and not be bothered by what they think
I've finally faced the fact that there are people who pretend to be nice to be just so they can squeeze me dry
I've learnt to face the fact that I have to stop lingering around people who inject negativity into my life because it just makes me miserable and I do not deserve to be miserable
On the contrary, I've learnt that I am incapable of being perfectly contented and therefore I shall take each day as it comes
I've learnt to pave my own way and not follow the foot steps of others
I've learnt not to believe in something just because people tell me it's real, but because I choose to do so in my very own way
I've learnt to quiet down from being the social butterfly to someone that is self-absorbed and home bound
I know that no matter how much I hate being me, there's no one else I'd rather be.

But then again, that was not really the day I was born. Today is. We'll see how it goes.

I am Jane's Accute Concentrated Coffee Addiction

2009-04-19T11:22:00.001-07:00

That time of the year is going to come soon again. Specifically in one week's time. Although I really should get started now, not one week later, seeing that I have an even heavier load than I usually have. The thing is even though there is this perception that ACCA is VERY tough, I find that most of its papers are durable. That is, if you see the light at the end of the tunnel. But this semester, I don't know if it's because of the heavy work load, or because of the extra external factors, or perhaps its just because of that one stupid P2 paper which I hate so much but yet am forced to do it and even worse still, is one of the reasons why ACCA graduates are much sought after, is so damn difficult. And to top it all up, I have Ms Menon as my lecturer. If you'd like to know more about her, please just read my notes in Facebook, or you can google Menon Sunway P2. There are tons of other people complaining about her. So I shall not bother jumping up the same bandwagon.

Often a time, I don't blog because I always think that the time that I use to blog can be used to do other things (such as study, of which I don't usually end up doing). But then again, while bathing today (I know, I get epiphanies at weirdest places at the most random times), I realised that blogging IS my only catharsis, seeing that I am pathetic and have no real life friends. And so yes, I guess my blog is aptly named, and I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone of your feelings by saying that I have no friends. I don't really understand how that bothers people. And that's why I've chosen to shut it out from the eyes of the public. Something more of a Limited Liability company, Sendirian Berhad, get my drift? In a sense that I shall limit the people allowed to see it, limit the content of the blog, limit the WORDS per post, and have absolutely no liability over what is said here (I am, afterall, INSANE).

And guess what? I wanted to blog about a whole different topic today, and I ended up with this! Anyway, I'm not going to spend anymore time here. I might as well use it to make some dough!! By the way, Sasha, Amrita and Janice made AWESOME AWESOME cheesecake today.

Note to self: Next blog is supposed to be about my so-called 'selfishness'. We'll see if I still have the mood to write about it the next time around. Till then, good night.

P/S: From today onwards, you shall get to monitor my moodswings with the addition of the sentence below on subsequent posts. Apparently, I HAVE very VERY BAD moodswings.

Jane is feeling safer and more sheltered from the harsh world, knowing that she can finally sleep tonight. I hope this marks the end of my insomnia-filled nights.

I am Jane in the dark

2009-04-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the dark again. Literally and Metaphorically speaking. How odd that the amount of my problems is inversely proportional to the number of friends I have surrounding me. I only need one friend. And one pillar. As I'm sitting here alone, I realise I don't have either, only a blog.

I am PATHETIC.

I don't understand the cheek some people have. And why aren't they the once having a hard time? Why must it be me?

This is Jane's good bye

2009-04-13T02:13:00.001-07:00

I'm shutting all of you out. For good. The cherry was finally plopped onto the icing today. The last straw dropped onto the camel's back. You get my drift. This world is too cruel for my liking. I cannot change it. And I cannot bear with it. So I have started the clock on my now-ticking time bomb. I'm saying this in general. I shall not talk about my feelings, my day, my bad luck to anyone, ever again. And if I blow... remember that it is all your fault.

I don't want to subject myself to any of your opinions anymore. I really don't fucking care.

Have a fucking day!

I am Jane the heartless bitch

2009-04-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

That's right. You read correctly. I don't know how long this entry is going to be, but I've been meaning to write this for quite some time now. I'm currently at the CC waiting for the beau and his friends to finish playing left4dead. Perhaps it is fated that I must write this down. So here goes:

I'm trying as hard as I can to not make it sound as if my life is miserable right now, because I don't believe in empathy. But who knows. If you think I'm whining, please click the red box with an "X" in it on the top right corner of your screen. Don't try to call me to ask me how I am. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready to face the world, yet. I've been kicked so hard, that I'm being forced to make drastic changes at a pace much faster than I would have expected. May be everything is happening because this chapter in my life is closing, soon. I'm excited to start the new chapter, because it would be everything I've ever talked about. It will determine who I'll be, and whether or not I will be able to achieve my dreams. And the things happening now are meant to prepare me for the next challenge.

In the past three months, my life has been a constant roller coaster, the longest roller coaster that I've ever been on. With lots of ups, and definitely multiplied amounts of downs. I tried not to complain, I tried to take everyday as it comes hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. But it never did get better, if not worse. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know why my luck has been so bad lately. I wanted to blog about it, but I realised that nobody would understand anyway. So I'm not going to bother.

The emotions I've felt,
The expressions I've seen,
The attitudes I've had to choke up,
The body languages I've had to decipher.

I'm so tired.
And constantly I've been looking for a POSITIVE genuine true friend. But I've yet to find that person. We all turn ugly at times. I've tried to keep my cool. But there were times when I've really screamed my lungs out during this period. Which is why I am afraid.

I've never screamed at a person, let alone to face to face. The worst I'd do would be to show you sarcasm in its truest form, so hurtful you'd resent me for the rest of your life. But I've failed this time around. I have no idea how many people I've screamed at. And I've no idea how many people have had to eat my sarcasm. And of course this includes the beau who still has no idea what's wrong with me. Heck, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just last year, I thought I knew myself. I thought that I had found this person that I'm happy to be, and that I'd be happy for quite some time before things changed, ideally, when I reach middle age. But no, at the brink of my last teenage year, I am struck once again with this whole crappy episode that I'm not willing to endure, especially during this time. I wouldn't be in so much trouble if it had been any semester except this. I already have such a heavy load that there's just no space for anything else. I've sacrificed so many things, all in the name of my FUTURE, of which is not even here yet, and not feasible.

And here I am trying to figure myself out once again. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming.
I'm glad that I'm maturing, but I'm scared of turning boring.
I'm glad that I'm graduating, but I'm scared of having to earn a living.
I'm glad that I'm becoming stronger, but I'm scared that I'd be detached from my emotions.

I want to be emotional. I want to be attached to my feelings. I want to feel every cut, every bleed, every pinch, every joy, every touch. But in becoming stronger, I know that I'm becoming numb. I don't want to age before my time. I want to be wise, but I don't want it to show on my face.

My body is failing me, undoubtedly. And people keep asking me why I keep on getting sick. One day, I felt so sick that I just felt like crawling to the doctor's to moan and groan about my pains, but I realised that I didn't know what to tell the doctor when I faced him. And that is when I realised that all this is just psychosomatic. Really typical signs. And my bruxism has gotten so bad, my teeth hurt during the day, when I'm not even chewing.

Please shed some light on to me. I don't know where to head, I don't know what to do. I don't understand why it must be now of all times. The beau says that I have the tendency to become an over-achiever, a spinster who will spend the rest of her days lonely, grumpy and self-righteous. We all know people like that. And we hate most of them (except a handful who are so nice, you won't even believe they're that old, of course). I don't want to become someone like that. I want a full life. I don't want to be self-righteous because I currently have to deal with a couple who is like that, and it sucks. Especially when you're trying so hard to act when it's so obvious you're such a BAD actor (SUCK IT!) Urgh! I'm so tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep since forever. And it's catching up on me. I feel so tired, and detached from the world, I didn't even realise that I have only one month more until my exams. And I don't even know how to deal with that yet. This whole episode is sucking the life forces out of me.

This entry is entitled so, because I'm going to be a bitch starting now. I'm going to start living for myself, not for others. I'm not going to pretend I like you just because I have to. I'm not going to listen to you when all you do is put in negative comments that only demotivate me (what kind of friend is that?), and I'm not going to bother about you who only calls me when you need my help. And I most definitely am not going to talk to you the hypocrite. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with all these crap. And I woke up one day and realised that I've been so stupid to let you walk all over me and influence my decisions. Jane will be Jane, and if you don't like me, please leave. I don't need you to change me. I change myself because I want to improve, not because I want to please you. I'm not going to live to please anyone, anymore. I'm not saying this to anyone specifically, yet, but if you think you've been any of the above to me, well thank you for being in my life and stepping all over me, because if it weren't for you, my working life would suck even worse. My life does not revolve around you, and I did not write this post with the intention of directing it to you. I wrote this because it is my self-actualisation, not yours. Good for you if you have nice friends who will wait on your every whim and fancy. Good for you if you have friends to talk to about who slept with who and who cheated. Good for you if you have someone to cry to. As for me, I need to rethink about who my real friends are, and I need to look for new ones to broaden my horizon. I'm not totally cutting everyone off, just those who've stepped on me enough for me to feel like dirt. I really can't be bothered. I really can't. There are days when I just wished I could row a boat into the middle of the ocean and settle on some random island.

I'm sorry I can't make you understand my level of stress, but I'm at the age where people my age are not supposed to go through things that I'm going through, and the causes of my sky-rocketing stress levels is due to things that shouldn't be happening to people my age. I'm stuck. No "Not a girl, not yet a woman" nonsense for me. I'm just stuck.

I realise that I'm not strong. I fall down easily. I'm emotional. And I let myself drown in my own emotions. Because I like to. Because I know one day, I will wake up, and realise that that time is over, and I will be a whole better person. That's me. I rise up much faster than I can fall down.

All my life, I've absorbed everything into myself, trying hard to only put my feelings into words. For the past three months, the bottle I've been keeping my emotions in has overflowed umpteen times. I need a bigger bottle. I wasn't even given the chance to have a reboot session. Everytime I took my own leave, problems never cease to pop up in the middle of my break. And so, I am now overworked, overwhelmed, and super stressed. Good night. Depending on what will follow, I might close the blog to only my close friends. Depends.

I'm in need of a real good catharsis. But no one would let me have one. My alcohol inventory is depleted, shopping therapy doesn't work, screaming doesn't work, focusing on studies doesn't work, talking doesn't work, and binge eating doesn't work. I think I need to go bungee jumping or something. And if I ever were to commit suicide, I'd jump of a really tall building. Why? At least I'd feel liberated during that few seconds before I hit the ground, once to break all the bones in my body, and twice to kill me.

I am Jane Learning

2009-03-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what drove me into this state of depression, but I know for sure that I don't want to continue being depressed. I dread waking up, and I wished that there were more hours in a day for me to sleep, but life goes on, regardless of whether or not I want to go on. Time is running out for me. I never had much of it to begin with, but the work load keeps piling up. And so, if no one will help me, I have to help myself. If no one will understand me, I must understand myself. And if I can't, I shall just pretend that I do.

Strange enough, I felt kind of relieved the past two days that I've been moaning and groaning about how unfair everything is. It's as if complaining about life makes me happy. Well, at least I know I wasn't lying to myself, pretending that everything was okay, and perhaps that's why I felt relieved. Who said being sad was sad? Being sad kind of made me a little bit...relieved? Why bother pretending that everything is okay when it's so obviously not?

And since now I'm in the gutter, and no one is offering a lending hand (rather, they're all just turning around and pretending not to see), I shall pick myself up. Even if it's a monsoon drain, I will climb up. I refuse to let myself be a victim of other people's flaws. To hell with all the stereotypical motivational talks! They're only teaching you to lie to yourself, and that is never healthy. I should know. And so, I will take control of my life. I will be my own master, I will not bow down anymore, and I will rise to wherever I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to be somebody, I just haven't figured out who.

I am Jane down the gutter

2009-03-01T10:59:00.000-08:00

Notice the progression of my blog titles, from emotional high right down to miserable douche bag. Most of the time, I psyche myself into believing I'm happy. Most of the time, when I really am not happy, I put on a happy face, and I live in denial pretending to be happy. And then there are days when the dam is full and I break down. I have no reason to believe in humanity anymore. I don't know why I bother being a good person when those who are evil triumph above me. I have reached the point where I know that personal values are more important than rigid man-written principles. But there are people who don't respect my wishes.

I don't know why I bother being nice, when no one bothers when I'm being nice, but bother when I'm not. I don't know why I bother obliging and offering assistance, when I know nobody will do the same for me. I don't know why I bother being the type of friend that nobody will bother being to me. And I know that this is not a 100% hit, but it is at least 90% including those I give the benefit of doubt to.

I refrain from saying I hate my life, because people always tell me that things will get better. I wake up everyday, looking forward for that day. But there are days I wake up, and realise that things are still the same as they were, the day I decided to wait for things to get better. Here I am trying to be at peace with at least myself, but the external factors will never leave me alone. Although I know I cannot live on an island, I sure wish I could.

My mentors and peers tell me that I have the potential. That I have something inside me that can spur me to greater heights, something that is capable of giving me that edge. But they all tell me that, and leave me to figure it out for myself. Throughout my whole formal education, even until now they tell me that. But they never reveal to me what it is, let alone nurture me in the right direction, or even at least put me on the right track. I'm always left to figure things out on my own. Most of the time I do, but until today, I really have no idea what I'm fully capable of.

I know I'm changing, that I'm growing, that I'm maturing. I know that I have to, and I'm glad that I am. But I just know that I can do all that much faster, if I had someone to look up to. Someone that will not let me down. I know that people come and go, but in my life, they do it too frequently, leaving me with all these questions unanswered.

My life has been full-steam ahead. I don't regret any of it, and I don't regret the pace I'm going at. The beau tells me that I should wait until it's my turn, for things to happen when they should. If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Sze Wei asked me a question that I've long put at the back of my head. Am I happy doing what I am right now? At the beginning I never thought I'd like being an accountant, but as I progressed, I realised that accounting is not all about balancing figures, debiting and crediting entries. There are certain aspects of accounting that I like. But I also realise that I like certain aspects of everything, and that I'm good at it. For instance, I love sketching, but I hate colouring (perhaps it is a metaphor as to how I view life, all white and grey), I love physics, but I hate biology and chemistry (and Jo Ann can never understand how I get the concepts so easily), I love playing the piano, but I hate scales, and I love dancing, but I hate choreography (because I can't remember the steps). These are the little conversations I get that remind me that I am not even close to where I want to be.

I think Mr Choong Chee Kheong (aka Mabel's superior) is an insightful man. I've only met him a few times, but I remember his words while we were at lunch until today. Most of the time, we do things we don't like to please people we don't like. I don't know why we bother, but I do know that I try my level best to not bother about people like this. He also said that the smartest person, is the person who isn't arrogant about his intelligence, but is a fool in the eyes of others. It took me a long while to digest that one, but I realise that I finally understand the concept of it, heart and soul. And it is different how people treat you when they think that you're a dodo-bird - you actually see their true colours. Even better still, because they think you're the dodo-bird they don't know that they're the bigger dodo-bird themselves.

Early February, I made another informal resolution. That is to rid myself of all the negative energy and vibes surrounding me. This includes getting rid of the people that not only don't contribute to my well-being positively, but stunt growth as well. I haven't figured out how, and I haven't figured out who, but let's just say that one man's meat is another man's poison. One man's friend is another man's enemy? Why should I bother wasting my time and effort, and my emotions on people who make me feel down, demotivated, degraded, depresses, angry, annoyed. If they were my friend, they'd meant for me to be well, but these people just obviously don't. So why bother?

And then there are those who step all over me, use me in and out, and keep me back in the closet till my service is needed again. Don't even get me started on them. I can't be bothered anymore. I know I will say this, and then I will forget it after a while, and then I'll be the same again, and then I'll get treated the same way again. I just wished I'd learn my lesson hard and good. So I won't waste my time feeling like this again. Why bother?

I don't know why I bother being humble when people take advantage of me. I don't know why I bother being obliging when nobody is obliged to me. I don't know why I bother blogging and I don't know why people actually read when they all think "here she goes exagerating again". I know I tend to exagerate at times, but trust me when I say that this is way mellowed down that what is going on in my life. I am not consciously gothic, but I do have the characteristics of one. I don't choose to be gothic because it's cool or because I want to join a cult, I just so happen to fit their recognition criterias, but refuse to be categorized as one of them. Maybe I should buy more eyeliner. Perhaps.

Maybe I've chosen the right career, they all say auditors have to work their asses off, which means that they have no time for socializing, and so when it comes to their work, there will be no threat on their independence. Maybe I should start being a workaholic like my boss, she just sits and stares in front of the PC the whole day earning money. The minimum contact did us good, and I was happy. So yes, just maybe.

disclaimer: read at own risk. Apparently I have the capability of making the readers of my blog as miserable as I am. I warned you. Scenarios stated above are not of 100% consistency, but make up for at least 90% of my life. I don't know why I bothered writing this down.

I am Jane, it rained, and then I fell from among the clouds

2009-02-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

It was just few hours ago before I woke up that I posted the previous blog. But of course, my mum had to wake me up, and yell about how I spend my time sleeping instead of doing something else (at least I'm at home sleeping and not out doing something you don't like!!). And then she told me to register for my ACCA exams because apparently the letter reached my house.

Damn ACCA for their new regulations and shit. Apparently I can't sit for P7 without attempting P2 and P3. And I just dropped P3 a month ago!! I clearly remember asking Mr. Dinesh whether or not I can do P2 and P7 without P3 and he said YES. And I remember registering for the paper after they lost my enrolment slip and the admin allowed me to. So PLEASE tell me, how was I to know? Perhaps you can say that I should have read the ACCA guidelines or whatever before I did so, but HOW WOULD I KNOW??? There must be at least a hundred guidelines there and time is something I don't have in excess.

Really don't know what to do now. Quite reluctant to drop any of my papers, but quite reluctant to add an additional paper as well. For one, it was so hard for me to drop the paper, now I'm supposed to start all over again. On the positive side, this was my initial plan. On the other hand, I'M SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT P2!! Calamity Jane will always remain Calamity Jane, eh?

Sigh, and now I'm left with three options:

Do P2, P3 and P7 all together and try my luck.
Do P2 and P3, and drop P7
Do P2 only, and drop P7

The first choice would be very risky. I'm not that worried about P3 and P7 but P2 is scaring the life out of me. I know that I will have sufficient guidance for P3 and P7 from Mr Marcus and Mr Goh, but Ms Menon just scares me to death!! And I keep getting flashbacks to the semester I took F7.

The second option is almost unacceptable, since I did spend quite some time on P7 (and enjoying it), so dropping it would mean a waste of 2 months.

The third option is quite likely, seeing that I'm determined to pass P2 once and for all and NEVER enter her class again.

Oh, help me. I don't know what to do. Why am I always stuck in situations like that? I guess that's the end of my resting-on-my-laurels crap. Guess what mum said? For once, she asked me to take the big risk. Something she has NEVER asked me to do before. I'm always the one who insists on taking the big risks. MY own risks. URGH!!!

I am Jane, still floating among the clouds

2009-02-25T14:50:00.001-08:00

Okay, I totally forgot, this song is stuck in my head. I don't fancy the voice. But the lyrics are fantastic. Who'd have thought of being the reincarnation of Juliet?

The song just makes me want to twirl around my room in my imaginary long flowy white dress with flowers in my hair. I just wished my Romeo would be there to catch me in his arms.(insert awkward silence here for my day dreaming)

You read about all these people in love stories, having their moments, and knowing right there and then that that's the love of their life, their soulmate.

For some, it is that one silent moment,

for some it's violins playing in the background after the first said "I love you",

for some, it's the spark that goes off when they first kiss,

and for some, it is that momentary future they see in each other's eyes.

For me, it's going to be that moment he twirls me and catches me back in his arms. Our bodies in line, in sync, in tune. Two hearts feeling the same beat on the same nano second. The air suddenly smells like a field of lavenders, every touch sends signals I cannot interpret up every neuron transmitter, his scent leaves this light vanilla-like taste on my taste buds, and all I see is him, staring back at me. And everything else fades away, and nothing else matters. Even time will stand still for me to savour that moment.

And that's when you know I've been reading too much of the wrong stuff (by that I mean story books that aren't examinable for ACCA 2009). By the way, the last picture was unintentional. I'm not implying anything, but that was the only good picture I got from google that wasn't someono's real wedding picture. The beau better buck up!! lolz. I just know I'm going to get bashed for saying that. But hey! I'm dropping him a big hint here. If you need me, I'll be staring into thin air, dreaming.

This is one of the rare days I just feel like smiling just because I want to. I think it's a good day for cam-whoring!

By the way, I just feel this urge to sit and draw sketch after sketch. I think I'm in the wrong department here. I definitely don't feel like debiting or crediting anything, and most certainly not consolidating any accounts!

Oh, what is wrong with me?! =D There's this stupid big grin pasted on my face for no apparent reason.

p/s: Oh shit, it's bright now, and I'm still dreaming. The vampire feels the urge to hit between the comfortable quilt now. Urgh!! I have to start on the OBU!

I am Jane in the clouds

2009-02-25T13:56:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what has gone into me. Some may call it resting on my laurels, some may call it just taking a break. I call it flying among the clouds, running across a vast field of daisies with the wind in my hair and finally just collapsing. No, I am not high. Maybe I am, on the fact that I'm actually doing what I want, when I please. But deep down inside, I know this 'nonsense' (makes perfect sense to me, though) has to stop. Soon. Or I'm going to be stuck at the same place. Again. For one, it is that same subject again, with the same lecturer.

Apart from the occasional unavoidable expected ups and downs, life's been pretty calm. Just the way I like it. I can actually breathe now. And sigh in relief! I just hope I don't jinx it.

There's only one thing left to do, before I continue on with my life: FINISH MY OBU! Which I haven't gotten down to even start yet. The whole problem lies with my being a perfectionist, especially when it comes to stuff like this: WRITING. I don't start writing until this great big idea hits me. And that great big idea always only hits when I'm under stress. So I think I need a little bit of self-inflicted stress, just enough to give me the boost. My mum's right, I live on nervous energy. Still am. But it does me good.

Speaking of which, the mum has been pretty silent. Apart from her random boredom, and lack of communication (I think it has to do with my dad not paying attention to what she says and my brother being far away from home). And so, I'm at PEACE. I like it this way. Perhaps, MAYBE, just MAYBE she has learnt that her little girl is growing up and needs her space. PERHAPS, just maybe she has learnt to give the girl her space. And if that day comes, you can bet you'll see me running across a field of daisies!! I don't hate her, I just can't see eye to eye with her. And she only makes me angry when she interferes (or makes me bear the consequence of her own stupidity). Other than that, I'm perfectly fine with her existence.

There are days when I wake up, and see other people going to college. There are days when I wonder whether these people are going to college to study something they like, or just because they have to. There are other days when I see people studying hard, and wonder what their lives must be like, for them to be so motivated. And all these days are days when I feel at peace with myself. Days when I take the backseat, and look at the world as an outsider. And I sure love those days.

I had this lecturer, Mr John, whom everyone thought was a hottie (I did too at one point, but then he cut his hair. And then *poof!! he just wasn't hot anymore). He's the vocalist of Silent Scream. But of course, he completed his ACCA before becoming a rock star. And I wonder, when will it be my turn to chase after the rainbow of my choice?

Oh, lookie! It's 6.30 am, meaning that I've spent half of the time sleeping, and reading novels (Cecilia Ahern is ADDICTIVE!! I need more!!). I better squeeze some OBU in before my energy level drops and I fall asleep without even knowing I did. I'm in such a good mood, I might even start writing that novel I've always dreamed would become a best seller. Oh, happy days.. (please stay!! I do enjoy you very much..)

I am Jane doing it because they say I can't!!!

2009-02-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

A picture paints a thousand words, so here's a thousand and then some:

"lookie what the electronic-mail man brought in today"

They all thought I was crazy for doing three theory-based papers together. They all thought I wouldn't pass my F8 on the first attempt, and they definitely didn't thought I'd pass my P1 because I was 'immature'. So yes, I like my thousand words. I just hope next semester will be like this. Well, I don't know understand jack-shit about whatever Ms Menon is screaming about.

On a side note, I'm feeling particularly lazy, not to mention I have no difficulty in falling a sleep any time, any where, at all! Urgh...please do my thesis for me..

I am Jane in need of more hours in a day

2009-02-15T13:20:00.001-08:00

Bahawasanya saya, berikrar akan bertungkus lumus, sedia berkorban, dan tidak akan berputus asa untuk menyiapkan segala-gala kerja yang tergendala selewat-lewatnya hari Sabtu ini, bertarikh 21 Februari 2009. Saya berjanji tidak akan menyeleweng dan tidak akan menghabiskan masa membaca buku cerita, mengelamun serta melayan perasaan sehingga cita-cita jangka masa pendek ini tercapai.

Okay, my Bahasa Malaysia is a bit rusty, but it does make sense. And by the way, if you don't have nothing nice to say, Thumper's mum says to say nothing at all.

In BRIEF (since I'm running out of time, I shall kill two birds with one stone by doing that random stuff tag now. You can't get anymore random than this):

My December results will be out in approximately 6 hours, I haven't slept since then. I feel very relaxed, which is really weird. Come to think about it, I was relaxed when I was about to sit for the exam as well. Oh dear, I don't know how I should really be feeling.
I recently dropped one paper by ACCIDENT (maybe it was fate meddling), I just promised myself that I'd finish my OBU by this Saturday, and I'm hoping that 1+2 will equal a more stable timetable for me, which brings me to random fact no.3:
I hate routine, I can't stand doing the same thing everyday, at the same time, in the same way. I need variety very much. However, there's this extreme opposite side of me that feels the need to PLAN and ORGANISE everything. Maybe it's just an ACCA phase, I hope it'll go away.
I think I know what I want to do. My plan is a little vague, but the skeleton is there. And I shall stick to being random and totally spontaneous. It has done me lots of good (except for when it comes to classes clashing and unexpected as well as unwanted extra classes). We'll see how far this takes me, and from there on, who knows.
I like being alone most of the time. I'm perfectly contented with lazing around with a good read, without food, air cond blasting, drowned in a comfortable oversized old school T-shirt. But there are days when I just feel like going wild. And if you've been there with me, you'll know what is like.
Diane says that I can never be boring, but I do feel as if there are parts of my life that are missing, and I'm never contented with myself, parts of me that I feel I need to perfect. And that's the perfectionism speaking.
Valentine's Day this year was not how I thought it'd be. Well, I can't have everything I want. But I'll take what I can get and hope for a better day. (It wasn't bad or anything, it just didn't turn out the way I expected it to be). For one, the beau was supposed to cook, but of course, yours truly ended up cooking, along with few other people. At least he was sweet enough to get me flowers =). I like white flowers over every other colour. Naturally coloured over artificially coloured. Flowers with long petals over those with short petals. I'm not going to try to be 'different' by saying I don't like roses. But I do prefer white ones! (I wonder if I've ever told the beau all this). Actually, I can't really remember the name of the flower I like most now, how sad is that?
On the first weekend of February, Sunil got me caught on Muay Thai. It was FANTASTIC. I think I'm slightly sick in the head. I LOVED Pathalogy for its sick twisted ways and bloody scenes, but I can never stomach watching horror movies no matter how incredibly SILLY the ghost looks. Strange enough, I have no problems playing Left4Dead.
I just found out that the 8th president of the United States is Martin Van Buren. I can't help wondering if Armin Van Buuren is anyhow related to him. (You can't get anymore random than that)
I may become angry easily, but there are many things I'd let slip through, but there are just things that make me TICK. As I've mentioned before, injustice, manipulating my loved ones, useless guys who sit around and bitch more than those wearing skirts, rape scenes (even if it is make believe ones on the telly). I think they all rank under injustice.
I'm so sleepy right now, but I vowed to finish writing the articles today because I want to be disciplined again.
I can work both ways, I can either self-study at the last minute just to pass my exams, and I can also pick up very fast, provided the lecturer earns my respect (to do this, just cut out the crap and unnecessary screaming and I'm all yours), and remember it for life.
Since 2009 started, time has been passing by so quickly because I've been running around, but at the same time, it seems like it's never going to end.
I DO have OCD. A quality that will come very much in handy when I become an auditor (if I do choose to be one in the end), but it also means that I spend a lot of time on miniscule details. It also means that if you 'step on my tail' I will devote special attention just to make your life as miserable as I can, until I satisfy myself.
I have no charisma whatsoever. People don't listen to me. I'm better off as second in command. But I have plenty of ideas (some of them so whacky no one would accept them, which is sad because I see how they can work). I'm pretty find with it. Suits my long term goals perfectly well.
I don't deny the fact that I like to be spoilt like a girlie-girl, with expensive wine, bouquets, chocolates, and perfume. However, please don't expect me to act like a girl, or even think like one. I'm not a tomboy either, I'm just indifferent to the whole thing. Talk about gender equality.
I have more guy friends than girl friends. I just hate the bitching, except when I'm with the girls. But most of the time, I like having stupid testosterone-filled conversations. They always make me laugh.
Unintentionally, I'm apparently quite a pioneer in all sorts of things. Maybe that's because I like to do things the unconventional way, 'take the road less taken'. And then people figure it's do-able, and everybody does the same. Seriously!
I know I am a narcissist. And I think I have just the right amount to counter the part where I hate myself, or rather, the 'undeveloped' part of me.
My weight fluctuates, very badly. I binge when I'm stressed (still trying to control it), and am forced to eat when there's good news. So I don't know how my diet is going to work.
I hate gym exercises. I hate crouches, I hate sit-ups, I hate jogging. I like exercises that tone, increase flexibility, agility, and make you stretch. I've tried belly dancing (something I wish I still had the time and resources to continue), yoga (Premzy is not here to push me to go anymore), and am looking for a place with those funky big-ass Pilates machines.
After attending one month's worth of lectures, Sunway TES calls me up to say that I've not registered for a single paper at all. And when my mum called, they tried pushing the blame on me, of which my mum totally bought being typically her. I don't understand why they bother asking me to complain when nothing's going to be done at all. You should have seen the admin staff's face when Emily handed me the complaint form.
I do well in things that people generally don't. Physics (in a girl's school), Costing (which my friends all solemnly swear never to touch again), and corporate governance (which nobody can understand).
I'm still wondering how I can pick up my writing pace. I have a lot of writing to do!! And my thesis is still empty.
Thumper's mum (from Bambi) says that if you haven't read the above, she shall repeat it "If you ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all". And if you do, you can screw off.

On another note, I'm really praying and hoping and wishing that I'll pass all my papers. At least let me get out of the system before it comes crashing down..I've figured some things out, and I just pray that I don't have to rearrange everything again. I'm just so tired. I've had more than a few breakdowns, and every time I pick myself up, something always manages to knock me over again. I took it as a sign that there were things that I needed to change. And I think everything is in place right now. And I'm just waiting for the final piece to complete the whole picturer. Oh God, Please help me. I know I'm not the most hardworking person in my class (let alone in my group of friends), but I've been as consistent as I could this whole semester. Please PLEASE give me your blessings.

I better get back to working now. So much for random-ness. Note to self: IGNORE tags unless there's really nothing to do.

I am Jane beyond words

2009-02-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

To say that I am depressed is an understatement, to say that I will get through it is an obvious fact. To say that I'm just weak is plain inconsiderate. I'd like you to put yourselves in my shoes. A plain Jane in her last teenage years, mixing around people way older than her, having to carry the burden other normal 19 year olds are not expected to, trying to oblige to as many people as she can, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to prioritize, always always wondering if this madness will ever end.

I have been talking about being stressed up and everything. I've been talking about trying to hold on as much as I can. I don't know if I'm considered strong. But all I know is that I've tried my best, if not at least put effort into what I do, a lot of effort.

I have a ton of things to do. First and foremost my thesis which is way behind schedule, secondly catching up on my studies continuing last semester's habit of NOT studying last minute, do a little bit of work, spend time with the beau, catch up with old friends, catch up on my reading, try to bring myself to a higher level of maturity to lessen the culture shock when I start working, stuff like that. No nonsense.

What I don't understand is why people make things hard for me? I'd really like to know how this karma shit works because everything just isn't working for me. There are times before this when I've almost lost it, but I keep pulling myself up, telling myself "just a little while longer.." trying my best to reassure myself that "there are better times ahead". But seriously. I am just a girl. I am just human. I am emotional. I HAVE emotions, feelings. What on earth is so wrong with that? Don't you have it too? If you do, why am I not entitled to the same benefits?

Not only do I have a whole list of things to do, I started feeling sore around Monday. Matter might seem petty to you, but it is some how, affecting me since the person has had a huge influence of me especially when I had nobody to turn to when I first came here. Don't speculate or assume. It is none of your business. I've learnt to deal with my soreness, seeing that it is not the first time I'm feeling so. I will let it slide by me. In other words, I'm just going to let nature and fate take its course. Literally.

I had the last straw today. I wouldn't say that today was the worst day of my life, but there are certain events that added on to my already-very-heavy load, and well, there is also that last blow. Please don't say you understand me. That can never be true. You are not carrying the burden on my shoulders.

There are a lot of things that I let slide pass me. Betrayal, lies, backstabbing, kiasu-ness and what-not. But I do have my Kryptonites. Things that make my blood boil to no limits. These include injustice, and making use of me or my loved ones. Even as I write this I'm still trying to control my emotions. But I feel like there's this fire growing inside me that is about to make me burst into flames any time soon.

My mind is all over the place now, I have so many things to think of.

I have a thesis that was scheduled to be finished this week (which is not happening)
I have a test to study for (which I have no idea how I'm even going to answer the questions)
I have this elusive dentist who won't see me just to sign a bloody form to release me so I'll never have to see her again (elusive dentist is forever sick, outstation, or at some conference. Why the hell is the hospital even paying her?)
I have extra classes here and there that interfere with my schedule (making life more difficult than it already is)
I'm also studying in a tuition centre that has suddenly decided to practise authoritarianism. (I don't understand, everybody complains, but why won't anyone do anything about it? There are comments that I will keep to myself until the time comes)
I have an un-understanding mother who calls me at the wrong time just to check that I'm not out galavanting (I know I'm not that trustworthy when it comes to her, but can you please understand that I'm under a lot of stress here? I don't need you to lessen my burden, but it'd help if you don't ADD on to it)
I'm dealing with these bunch of idiotic Chinese fucks (fuck isn't even close to what these scumbags/ any-other-word-to-describe-the-worst-kind-of-a-living-thing) who are really unscrupulous, unethical, and downright selfish.

Those are just the general outlines. You don't even know the pressure I have to go through for each and every one. It started even before school started. And has been going on for at least a month. Just yesterday I was able to get some things off my chest, and thought I'd get a breather, but today just decided to replenish my diminished load, with even more pressurizing things. I can't help but ask when will this ever end? I know I'm not that strong, but I know I'm not that weak too.

For once, my fingers feel too heavy to type, the words just don't flow, my head is so heavy, my shoulders are aching like crazy, my stomach is acting up, and my spine feels as if someone is stepping on it. I know these are psychological, but how do I stop them? It's not like I've lost sight of my goals and objectives. But I feel as if I haven't progressed much thanks to these obstacles. I'm scared that I won't have any strength left to fight them off, and they'd advance on and take over me. I don't want to be that helpless girl anymore. I've come along way from that, and I never want to go back there again.

I really don't know how I'm going to slot in all these sudden extra classes. As it is, my timetable is already very heavy. Not only that, they're being so uncooperative. I don't understand this authoritarian behaviour. What is this hype of abusing this elusive power that is not even rightfully yours? In addition to that, I also have to run away from people I don't want to see, just so not to put to waste any time I have left. I was already having a bad day, but I thought it'd get better.

If it weren't for Sunil, I think I'd have passed out from alcohol poisoning in my room with the speakers blasting. In fact, during the day, I thought I'd finally settle one of my many problems, by bringing in a person much more senior so that at least there'd be a little bit of respect. But apparently Malaysians have lost their manners too.

I don't know whether or not to be angry with the beau. I understand that he has problems of his own, but I am willing to sacrifice a bit of time, put in a bit of effort to help him, why can't he do the same thing for me to? Am I the only one in the relationship? It is normal for everyone to quarrel once in a while, but sometimes I just wonder if anything is actually sinking in. I'm open to criticism, but why aren't others.

The whole irony is that they're making ME go for English classes when these people I speak to can't understand simple English. I don't understand how "I want to move out NOW" could be interpreted as "Don't kick me out" of which the idiotic old man replied "Don't worry, you can stay till February" which was actually "I'm forcing you to stay till February since I'm not going to give you back your deposit AT ALL", and how "I'm not blaming you" turned into "It is all your fault". These are the people that make me ashamed to call myself a Chinese, since these are the typical Chinese stereotypes.

I try as hard as possible to confront my problems and settle them, because I know my actions not only affect me, but others as well. No matter how hard, I always try. I don't understand how people can be so selfish and just take people's money with them, without feeling ashamed of themselves. I really wonder how these people sleep at night, cheating poor students, both local and foreign. Have they no conscience? Please tell me why should I bother to be a good person. Why should I bother about others when they only think about themselves?

Even before I read what Lim Kit Siang had to say about respect, I had already had that philosophy in mind. I don't believe in this Asian culture that seniority earns respect. Simple example, today, I called up the fucking (you have no idea how mad I am at him) HOUSE OWNER just to ask for a copy of the tenancy agreement since the fucking CHIEF TENANT decided to runaway and NOT PICK UP OUR CALLS. He was so fucking rude to me. Not only did he blame everything on the chief tenant (which I think he deserves), he simply said "Why you asking me all this? This is none of my business, you're disturbing me" and put down the phone. Fucking rude and disrespectful! I'm sure he would have done that to a parent as well. That really 'made' my day. It really did. Literally the last blow. I will make this personal. I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I promise I will try my level best to make life as difficult as possible for you. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong since you owe it to me, and you deserve it. Plus, I think I'm doing the society a favour by not letting them fall into your trap.

It was so hard for me to not break down. I know that if I were alone I would have just broke into tears. But I've been holding them back for so long, a little longer didn't matter anymore. You have no idea how hard it is. I just don't know. There are very few people I feel comfortable to break down in front, and Sunil is definitely one of them. But I just held it in, thinking his luck was as shitty as mine as well so there is no reason for me to break down. I usually don't get physical, but I was unconsciously banging things, and imagining things smashing. I was so tensed that even Kaiser could feel it. He just sat by me till I loosened up a bit, and then he reverted back to making me throw his ball, as well as (for the first time), tried to hump my forearm.

Call me an alcoholic if you must, but I have no where else to hide my sorrows. Don't ever say that anyone will understand what I'm going through. They may have even worser luck than me, but they are not going through the same things I'm going through. At least the alcohol is taking action and helping me to take things easy. This is why I feel like giving up on mankind.

I know that I shouldn't but I really need a break, and I've decided to self-proclaim tomorrow hide-in-the-closet day. I really need it. I hope it'll do me good. It better. I need to recharge and refocus.

Do remember I'm 19, not 29. I'm young, but I demand and am willing to earn respect. I have principles, and I stick to them. I have emotions, I don't need you to understand my emotions, but at least acknowledge that I have them.

I.Just.Feel.Like.Lying.On.My.Bed.And.Staring.Blankly.At.The.Ceiling.As.If.I'm.Stoning.

This.Words.Just.Don't.Do.Me.Justice.For.Once.

I am Jane, reaching bottleneck point

2009-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

In actual fact, I am the cause of this bottleneck situation. Sorry for the whole accounting jargon, but in layman terms, a bottleneck situation, is when limited capacity reduces the capacity of the whole chain (Yes, I am a Management and Cost Accounting freak, and yes, I know most people hate that subject). Well, you can also think of it in terms of physics, using that experiment where they put water through a that has a wide opening, a very narrow middle, and a medium-sized end. (I still love Physics even though I'm not studying it anymore).

It's not really my fault. You can't expect me to run a one-(wo)man show and expect me to produce the same results. Gosh, I feel as if I'm leading more than a double life here. So many things to do, so much expectations, so much objectives, so much goals, so much targets, so many people to please! I can't help to add that my mum has been working me non-stop the minute I reached home, moving the furniture (her annual fengshui must), baking cookies (she actually bought everything, but waited for me to come home so that I'd bake the cookies, I must tell you that she SPOILT the whole batch!!), cheesecakeS (notice how I highlighted the S), point here, point there, at the end of the day, I'm so tired, I just fall asleep the minute my BUTT hits the bed (I don't know how my head falls on the pillow or the quilt magically covers me). No time for OBU, no time for work.

Did I mention there's a test coming on? Same ol' same ol' "If-you-don't-get-above-30-marks-not-only-will-I-bar-you-this-time,-I'll-even-disown-you" threat from Mr Teo. Let's see if he means it this time. I have my way of worming my way through.

You know, I feel like a H.E.B. (highly efficient being) actually. Despite all the stress, I still carry on like an energizer bunny. Well, I don't know how long the adrenaline is going to last, but let's make full use of it while it's here to stay.

Things that I still need to do, in order of priority:

Have a good night of proper sleep
Do another 20 articles, perhaps?
Plan out Sunil's birthday (shit..it was a surprise)
Finish my OBU
Meet up with Mabel and Meiyuin
Get a new phone
STUDY (Please don't ask me why this is not top priority)
Clear out my closet
See the doctor
Find some place in Timbuktu where no one can find me so I can rest peacefully

How can I finish everything without anything else coming in? If the input stopped, I'm sure that I would have everything sorted out by now.

On another note, I've made a new (C)NY resolution. I shall stop binging whenever I feel stressed out. Totally challenging at this point since I'm constantly stressed. People screaming, work piling, lack of sleep, exhaustion. Damn it! Well, those who attempt the difficult always achieve the impossible.

I finally found the perfect perspective to do my research. It's so so perfect judging from how unscrupulous the business world is today. Oh, I'm so in love with myself right now. I think I need to be rewarded. Haha. Although, it has made me VERY VERY ashamed to be categorized Chinese. I know the Chinese are almost always the masterminds behind all these unscrupulous ways (trust a Chinese to look for alternative meat in a place where Chicken and other poultry are scarce). I hate it when people categorize me under a race. Sometimes I just feel like leaving that space blank whenever I fill up a form. Just today, Sunil's friend (who has never met me and seen how Chinese my features are) called up and asked me at least three times if I was Chinese. How do you talk to a person, and not sound like any race? And no, your fake "ang moh" accent (no matter how fake), is still "ang moh"-ly Caucasian and that is still a freaking RACE. Maybe I should start speaking like Stephen King. I sure hope that Machine is not a RACE.

By the way, I'm so in love with hobo bags and mary-janes. I saw one in Nike, but it had polka dots on it. (Yes people, its POLKA dots, not pokie dots [<--Peter insists its pokie dots], okay??!!) I also saw a pair in Skechers in beige and white. Loves.. Oh, yes, white is the new black now. Well, I still love black clothes, but I'm buying a lot of white recently as well. But Skechers being Skechers, the shoe cost RM289!! And here is when Internet shopping comes in handy (although it becomes a real huge distraction most of the time). Seeing that I don't really have the time to go shopping physically (because all I want to do after coming back from Menon's class is sleep), this whole online shopping is a real life saver. I still get to see pretty things, although i don't really get to touch or try them. Best of all, I get them at cheaper prices! Believe it or not, the same pair of shoes are selling on Amazon for USD 9.98!! You do the math.

Good night, I'm going to continue love-hating myself. I sweared that I'd finish the articles by tonight. I have 8 more to go, and 10 more to ammend. Oh, how I hate double work. When all this is over, I better have a bottle of Kahlua waiting to calm me down.

I am Jane all over the place

2009-01-20T10:54:00.001-08:00

Sorry dear blog for neglecting you, I have been so freaking busy that I haven't even had time to sit down to absorb everything in. I guess that's what the beginning of the year does to everyone. I feel another strand of white hair coming on.. :s Everything has been moving at such a fast pace and I've been so busy running after it that I've lost my sense of judgement of what is really important.

I made a new resolution today. This year, I shall stop whining and revert to my old self. So this blog shall not be 95% about my mum anymore.

At the end of last year, I had it all planned out, my subjects, my timetable, my OBU project, my time allocation for friends (and family), and of course, myself. I got so comfortable planning that I forgot about the external factors. And true to Auntie's nickname for me, Calamity Jane will always be faced with disasters. Even before the first day of class, everything obviously wasn't going to go according to plan, classes clashing, missing data, MISSING AMOUNTS OF MONEY FROM MY STUDENT ACCOUNT FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, and people who pissed me off by giving me more trouble. On top of all that, I still managed to solve other people's problems as well (and maybe because of that now the beau thinks that I'm super woman or something).

I knew from the start it would be hard, I knew that everyone will advise me against it, and I knew that I'd be all alone, but that didn't matter because I had my personal goals and objectives that I INTEND (and very stubbornly still intend to) achieve, by hook or by crook! What I'm sore about is that it's as if everyone (and everything) is going all out just to prove their point that I SHOULDN'T do it. And being stubborn Jane, I WILL do it, and I WILL prove them all wrong. These problems are popping up like wild mushrooms after a rainy day! Whenever I'm closed to solving one, something else pops up. And I have no idea where this energy and patience to deal with all this is coming from. I really have no clue. I don't even know how to solve the problem at its roots when I don't know what the root is!

Damn, I forgot I said I'm not going to whine this year. Anyway, I really hope that the madness will stop soon. I want to settle down, and carry on with my 'fool-proof' plan. I had it all figured out. Simple! Finish the OBU by Chinese New Year so that I can focus on my other three VERY HEAVY subjects. But no, Sunway has managed to slot in more classes for us! English class"Me no quarifying writing the Engrish, veli soli", computer classes for power point presentation (I thought we were the "Internet" generation?) and God knows what else they will come up with later. Just so fed up!

But life goes on, if there's one thing I've learnt is that the time I use complaining can be used to solve the problem. I used to scream at everything that comes in my way (I still do, just more randomly), but now, I just kick its ass. A fellow classmate of mine (we sit in the same class, but we don't know each other) apparently wrote some stuff about Sunway and got caught. I have no idea when complaining about something you pay for was a crime, but it apparently is. And I have no idea why people talk the talk but not walk the walk (me included).

I think I chose the most perfect topic for myself for OBU. Corporate Social Responsibility, lots of writing, lots of researching, lots of reading up to do, and did I mention lots of WRITING? I think I'm sick in the head, I had no idea I was so obsessed with writing until now. I honestly tell you that doing thesis papers are FUN! I don't understand why anybody said it is horrible.

Last but not least, I am still contemplating on a very risky decision that has to be made as soon as possible. It is clear that one of the lectures I'm attending is not doing me any good, and I have absolutely no idea why I'm still sitting there. It's time to move. Besides, risk has been nothing but a very good friend of mine who has rewarded me handsomely.

Mr. Marcus, I have no idea how you came across my blog, but thanks a lot for dropping by. Also, thanks for taking time off to help me clarify some issues. I'd be most oblige to share with you my 'opinions' as to why the students are behaving so, as you have been nothing but a very valued lecturer to us. You make difficult things so easy to understand! And I daresay I am not speaking for myself because I know a lot of people who think the same as well.

It's the whole rinse and repeat cycle again tomorrow, let's hope it stays that way. And this is coming from Jane who HATES routine.

Good night, it's menon early tomorrow morning.

And Chinese New Year shall finally come to good use this year for me to sort everything out, hopefully once and for all. And if anything comes in my way again, get your ass ready to be kicked! I still hate Chinese New Year =.=

Happy Belated Anniversary, beau!

I am Jane's 2009 irony

2009-01-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

My first resolution for this year, is to stop procrastinating.
And on that note, I bid you good night for it has been a freaking long day for me, trying to sort everything out and putting back pieces, and because of which I am too tired to even start working.

And so, my first procrastination for this year, is to procrastinate on my new year resolutions.

Sorry for the late wishes, but merry Christmas, and happy new year.

By the way, I vote Christmas 2008 best Christmas ever. It has something to do with good company, friends, and 75.5% alcohol which gave everyone even more good company.

Good night.

I am Jane, exam stress-less!

2008-12-14T14:33:00.000-08:00

It bloody feels good to be finally free from the clutches of exams. I don't know how I did, and I don't even want to think about it (trust me, this takes quite a lot of effort). The thing with ACCA is it's so temperamental, just like a bitchy PMS. You really never can be certain of passing. All you can do is sit, and wait, and hope, and pray.. and in the mean time, PARTY!!!

Which, ironically, I haven't gotten around to. I had the chance to go to Mansion yesterday, but totally blew it. Don't ask why. Anyway, will be heading home on Tuesday. Boo!! Mum is stressed out on self-inflicted problems. (I honestly am thankful I didn't inherit half of her double standards and dumbness) Which means that I (the innocent party) am going to be stressed out on mum-inflicted stress. Life just isn't fair, isn't it? Maybe now you get an insight of why I think she's my worst enemy. Thank God I will have a thesis to bail me out, if I decide that enough is enough. All hail the great RAP thesis (no, I'm not doing a thesis on rap music).

By the way, my mum is a real user (again, I thank God I see what she does and vow never to follow her footsteps). This is part of a conversation that took place few days ago:

Mum: Can you come back quickly?
Me : Why?
Mum: Because I want to try to bake cookies.
(Awkward silence.. contemplating or not whether to verbally express my thoughts)
Me : By YOU trying to bake cookies you mean I bake cookies.
Mum: Whatever lah! I can't find chocolate chip cookies like they used to make them.
Me : Wahlau!!! You pay people to bake cookies, but I don't get anything?
Mum: I buy the ingredients what!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking her for anything, I'm just pissed at the fact that she uses me whenever she wants to because I'm HER daughter (as if that gives her the right to brand her name on my forehead), and the other times when I ask for something, (even something measly), there'd be a whole commotion about how I just take without giving, and how I just keep taking and taking, and how my brother is perfectly contented with whatever he has. Well, for starters, he doesn't have to ask for anything because not only does he have ample supplies of whatever, he has EXCESSIVE supplies of everything! And so, I make my own money. And when she found out, she was more than happy to cut me off even more. Her favourite line now is "You have a lot of money what!". -.- Why don't I just emancipate myself, then? I have enough money to support me, my education is paid for. I don't need you. Plus, you don't provide emotional support. So, yes, I don't need you. Thank you for giving birth to me.

I'm not pissed off because she's giving me less and less money (as long as she gives me the agreed fixed amount, I'm fine. I'll make whatever excess I need). I'm just pissed off at how she is using me, and conveniently fitting me according to her convenience and no one else's, and her dumb right bloody smack-in-the face STUPIDITY! I've never called my mother stupid, because she has always somehow or rather come up with a thousand excuses on why she does what she does. They are a thousand of STUPID excuses, but by the time you've heard all of them, you'd be so confused you'd have forgotten they were stupid in the first place. Nonetheless, I guess old age is catching up with her. And she's slowly unable to cover her tracks as perfectly as she could.

WOMAN!!! I can't understand you for shits. I don't want to, and I won't even bother. What the hype is is if she can do this to me NOW, imagine what she will do to me in the future. God help me, I don't want to be stuck with her. Not because I don't care. Not because I'm not grateful, but because it will cause me such great mental torture that I will go insane before she goes senile.

Fuck you if you think I'm an ungrateful daughter. You don't know what mental torture is. Perpetual mental torture on a constant and consistent basis leads to a sure case of suicide, or lunacy. Whichever comes first. I rather die than become a lunatic forever haunted by her voice.

And thus, for the sake of my own sanity, for the sake of man kind, it is best that my brother gives back what he has EXCESSIVELY taken (by the way, she doesn't think it is excessive because he never asks for more, how ironic!).

And yes, I hate how her stupidity always ruins my plans and everything. And how because of her stupidity, I can't even carry out my own plans on my own, because I'm related to her, and it will cause other peopl to doubt her. Why oh why oh why, will you NOT be frustrated if you were me? Being understandable is one thing, being inconsiderate is another thing, being bloody selfish is another class of its own, and being bloody frustrated and not being to be wind down, well, that's the cherry on the whole freaking layer cake!

Oh, BOY! I can't WAIT to get home. tsk!

disclaimer: I am currently of an unsound mind due to the recently unresolved exam tension. I tend to think 'out of the box' about practically everything. Long story short, I tend to go out of topic, or misunderstand other people, and thus, sound like I'm talking in a world of my own. Apparently, the beau, Sunil and Auntie have come up with this theory that the more I study, the less social skills I will have. What do you expect? I've been cooped up in the house for over a month, with limited human contact! Any NORMAL person would have gone insane by now.

p/s: I tried out my own version of a mango cheesecake, and bloody hell, I never knew I could cook!

p/p/s: Since when did having fun feel so sinful? Why do I let her get to me? SIGH!!!

Nonetheless, I will have as much fun before I go home and am subjected to torture.

I am Jane's top ten reasons why my mum and I cannot go along

2008-11-20T22:34:00.000-08:00

Double standards. What she has done, I cannot do. Reason being the world has changed and there are more bad people around. I don't understand. How is it that humanity is worse now than it was before? Back then there were rapists and burglars as well. What's so different about today and yesterday? She went all over the world when she was 18. I'm already 19 now. Why can't I go see the world? I'm going to go overseas anyway, whether she likes it or not. So I might as well give it a try now before I get a culture shock later. At least it'd be easier for me to settle in.
Suspicion. If she had her way, I'd be walking around with a CCTV camera on my head. I know I'm still young, but somebody has to teach the woman how to LET GO! I wonder what would have happened if I got the JPA scholarship instead of my brother, or better still, we BOTH got some scholarship and went overseas. Why does she have to monitor everything I do?
Guys are Martians we cannot trust. Indian guys, they are the worse. At least that's what she thinks! It so happens that my best friend and my beau are INDIAN GUYS. She already knows that my best friend is Indian, and she thinks that we're actually going out together. And today, as she was rummaging through my stuff AGAIN, she found a GROUP picture with my beau inside and her direction skipped all the Chinese guys and went only to him. I don't understand why my parents are so racist and what's wrong with Indian guys. As if Chinese guys are any better. I've met a lot of HORRIBLE CHINESE GUYS (not to say I haven't met any nice ones), but I don't understand why skin colour makes a person worse than another.
Over-protective paranoia. I know I'm a girl, and I know I made mistakes, but I've long moved on, SO SHOULD SHE!! I don't like the fact that she keeps harping on one mistake and that she'll take it with her through out the rest of my life for as long as her lips can move. I want to see the world. The more she wants to suppress me the more I want to fly away. I think that children are like water, if you give them clear paths, and freedom to make choices, they will flow smoothly and gently. But if you suppress them, or block all their freedom, they will start to find little cracks and holes, and even weak points to break even the biggest dam on earth. That's exactly how I feel, the more she wants me to stay, the more I want to go. The more she nags, the more she suppresses me, the farther I want to go. And once I leave, I will never come back. The other day, my dad's friend and my parents were talking about how their children should not fly too far away so that their parents can visit. That's the whole point! We don't want you to visit. If we want to see you, we will come back.
Distrustful. To say that I've never done anything for her to distrust me would be an utter and complete lie. But sometimes, parents don't know what's best for you. If my mother had her way, I would have been in Taiping doing my Form 6 and I wouldn't be here because I would have definitely flunked it because what I hate, I cannot do. Nevertheless, everything I say to her is a lie. Everytime I'm out, she will ask me "Where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Who are you with?" "When do you plan to go home?". Sometimes, when she asks me whom I'm out with. I just simply babble a name because if I gave her some new name, she would ask who the person is, which would lead to who his/her parents are, what do they do, where is she/he from..etc. I'M OUT CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET BACK BEFORE YOU INTERROGATE ME? Even worse, she tells me that I shouldn't walk on the streets while talking on the phone, but when it's she who's calling me, and I tell her that I'm walking or on the bus, she'll say "Okay, okay. Call me when you reach home, don't be late. Remember to SMS. How are you going back? By the way, have you eaten? Did you know this and that did this and that?" Seriously, double standards again.
Don't go out so often. I know my limits lar. In fact, I haven't been out for a very long time. I know that if she had her way, she'd put a tracking device on me, or even attach me to a leash. URGH!!! Now you know why I want freedom so much. When I was a kid, I wasn't even allowed to go for birthday parties until I was 9-10. I don't understand what kind of mentality she has. If she could, I guess she'd put me in a cage in a corner of the house.
Mental torture and abuse. It's true, the words she uses, it's not borderline abuse, it's downright abusive and manipulative! She makes me feel bad when I haven't done anything wrong. There's always this fear inside of me. Like I said, my biggest enemy is her. I guess my only motivation is to overcome her.
Misunderstanding. The woman can't understand simple English. I'm telling her A B C, she's telling me Z Y X. And then she'll insist that she's right. And when she's proven wrong, she still has to be right. This sometimes involves a third party PROVING HER WRONG and she making a fool of herself by still insisting that she's right. Sometimes it's embarrassing. I thank God I don't spend much time in Taiping town.
Violation of Privacy. I like the way I organize my things. Sometimes it's messy, but it's an organized mess. I know where my things are so I know where to get them when I need them. Woman comes and messes up my stuff. She'll dig and forage through my things, and then misplace them somewhere else. Not only that, when I ask her where she put my things, she'll give me the generic "How would I know? You're always misplacing stuff". Well, if you didn't touch them, they wouldn't go missing! Very often I go home and see my room VERY EMPTY compared to how I left it the last time. And so, I had to LOCK ALL MY TOYS in my cupboard because she likes to DIG. Everytime I go back, there's always something missing. I won't be surprised to find that my whole room is missing one day. She's even spread her violation over here, digging through my cupboard, finding the tiniest evidence of distrust. Ohmigod. Please just leave my stuff alone!
I'm just never good enough. Just because other children have lousy parents and they do just fine, I'm supposed to do better because I have supposedly "GOOD" parents. My parents don't spoil me, and they TRY to set a good example, but I think they're giving the wrong signals. So no, they are not the best parents in the world. My mum has to learn that. Somebody please tell her that she's human as well and is prone to errors. I don't want a super mum if it means having her only 10 times worse. If anyone can stand up to my mother and tell all these to her face, I'd be forever in your debt. I seriously seriously am so fed up of her. I want to run, but I can't run. ARGHH!!! I better find a way to escape before she drives me crazy!

I am Jane's Nearing Future

2008-11-20T13:17:00.001-08:00

You know how you always hear people saying cheesy slogans like "The Future is NOW!" and stuff like that? Well, I'm guessing that they don't really know the meaning of it. But I do!

I have always been very enthusiastic when it comes to doing anything that will bring me closer to my future, i.e. escaping from mum. That being with an exception to studying real hard. It's not like I don't study at all, it's just that I don't study as hard as I'm supposed to. I know for a fact that if I really pay attention and really put in the hours, I can do much better than I am doing. Needless to say, I think I value life a little too much to spend it all on books. But then again, I don't really have a social life right now, safe for the little outings here and there. In fact, I myself, have insistently and purposely secluded myself and shunt out the world just so I won't have an excuse to stay out late on useless 'yumcha' sessions, with my heart beating fast because I know I should be home studying for a test in a few days time.

Let me get this straight. I HATE 'YUMCHA' sessions, and I even hate the term 'YUMCHA'. Why? Because it sounds so boring and lame. Not only that, I believe it's something that only old men do. BALDING OLD MEN, whose kids have left the nest, and who refuses to go back to a NAGGY MENOPAUSAL OLD LADY, who can't get enough, or rather who's not getting 'any', who gossip more than the women at the hair saloon, who wear those plain white shirts which fit so tightly to show their bellies, and whose pants are worn either too high right up to their diaphragms or too low because they couldn't get enough cloth to cover their big bellies. And so, I do not understand why youth today, who have much better things to do, have decided that they too, want to be like this old men who sit in the coffee shop with a single glass of kopi-o in those crack-filled, off-white cup-and-saucers shaking their legs, waiting for the first drop of rain to fall. I don't have anything against old men, I just think that 'yumcha' is a waste of time.

However, that being said, I don't really mind the term 'lepak'. In fact, I like 'lepak-ing'. Perhaps it's because 'lepak' involves other things BESIDES sitting down and drinking ais kosong at the mamak (seriously, I know people who do such things*hint: his name starts with G). It's not like I have to be on my feet all the time, walking here and there, I do enjoy sitting down at Starbucks (No, I'm not implying I'm highclass, it's just that I've so happened to ONLY lepak there), Hartamas Square, Republic, or wherever... (just not in a mamak, because I hate the smell of unclean floors, and I SUPER HATE looking at what they do with food). But at least, besides sitting down, 'lepak-ing' also involves walking around aimlessly, playing snooker, throwing your friends into the pool, and the likes. Now, how on earth are you supposed to do that, when you only limit your 'yumcha' to drinking tea?

I don't even know why I went there. Nevertheless, this semester has gone by pretty quickly, and I'm getting quite used to this lifestyle. In fact, I believe this has been quite a smooth sailing journey, despite my having being admitted into the hospital, ear bleeding, and stuff like that. I guess I'm growing up. I feel more composed, not all over the place. It's like I've managed to pick up the bits and pieces and hold them still. Let's just hope it stays this way. I wouldn't mind! I know it's a little bit boring, but dullness is easier to fix than heart break. I've even come to the point where I've succeeded in ridding myself of un-answerable questions such as "Why not?", "I wonder why", "Maybe", and "Was it a lie?". Because I feel that it's not worth it.

Nevertheless, in a blink of an eye, I'm finally where I envisioned myself to be almost two years ago. It might have taken me longer to reach here, but at least I'm here. I'm just praying hard I'll be allowed to stay HERE and not be force to step back. But now that the future is so near, I'm a bit apprehensive about what to do. I've always worked for it, but now that it's mine to grab, I just don't know what to do!

For example, the thesis project for my degree will be starting the minute I finish my exams. Being the typical me, I lunged right into it without any second-guessing! It has always been my policy to strike while the iron is hot because I don't want to miss out on anything (past experience has taught me that). However, that policy has its shortcomings. Like, not being able to get the best deal, and sometimes regret follows suit. Whatever it is, I'm sure I was the first person to enquire about the project, and obviously pay for it. Once you pay for it, that's when everything is final. I even looked up the lecturer to tell him that I want to start the project earlier than the rest. I guess it's justifiable since he is the only good lecturer left whom I know of and is approachable since the other lecturers have left or are not mentoring anymore. And I just looked up the topics of which I must choose from:

An organisation’s budgetary control system and its links with performance management and decision making
How the introduction of a new technology can assist an organisation in achieving its business objectives
The impact of an aspect of impending legislation on the operations and financial position of an organisation
The impact of e-business on an organisation
The effects of globalisation on an organisation
The key factors or indicators in the motivation of employees in an organisation
The restructuring of an organisation’s operational activities and the effect on the organisation’s financial performance
The business and financial performance of an organisation over a three year period
The planning and implementation of an information system in an organisation
The effectiveness of the use of costing techniques within an organisation
The financial and operational costs and benefits of the internal audit / internal review activities within an organisation
The possible effects of a proposed accounting standard on the financial statements and business activities of an organisation
The relationship between an organisation’s human resources activities and its business objectives
The business and financial objectives of a strategic investment decision made by an organisation and its impact on key stakeholders
The management of an organisation’s working capital over a three year period and its impact on the organisation’s funding strategies
The financial and operational risk management within an organisation
The quality of the corporate governance within an organisation and the impact on an organisation’s key stakeholders
The marketing strategy of an organisation and its effectiveness
The financial and operational consequences of a merger between two organisations or of the acquisition of one organisation by another
An organisation's corporate social responsibility policies, including business ethics, and their impact on business practice and key stakeholders.

(http://www.accaglobal.com/students/study_exams/qualifications/degree/RAP/topic_areas)

Honestly, I have no idea what half of them are talking about, and am just guessing the other half. I hate project like these where I have to CHOOSE!! Why can't they just give us an ultimatum; this, or that. Not, A, B, C up to Z! I'm thoroughly confused as to which one to pick. I know I'll definitely do something about costing and management accounting, but WHICH ONE??? I hate the fact that I'm over ambitious, I always want to do this, that and everything under the sun, but with time constraint (thank God for such a thing), and procrastination, I never achieve what I plan to do, only part of it. And being a perfectionist, I always go too in depth, hence not covering enough grounds. I just know that I won't finish this in time. I'll start digging for information, and at first, it will look as if I don't have anything to talk about at all. And then I will procrastinate, and when the time constraint suddenly hits me, that's when the bottleneck will come in. Suddenly, everything will look relevant, and all the relevant things will have more things relevant to them, and those things will have an even deeper and wider scope to cover, and all of a sudden, I'm talking about a totally different thing, and then perhaps, I'll consider changing my topic. How on earth do I overcome this? I just hope the P1 exam wont be like this.

Other than that, I don't know how many papers to do next semester. Can you imagine that??? I have a remaining total of 4 papers to do (that is, if I clear all the papers this semester), and the dilemma consists of:

taking 2 papers for 2 semesters, which means that I will have to stay here up to December 2009, which means that my mum will have to fork out almost RM4000 extra (which I know she doesn't mind, but will remind me about it for the rest of my life) compared to the other options.
taking 3 papers next semester, and in my final semester, start working full time, as well as take my last paper part time, with a basic salary of RM2600 (today's current market rate offered by BDO Binder), which would add to my PER requirement to become an ACCA member. However, one of the papers that I MUST do next semester is called P2 Corporate Recording, which means that Menon is back in my life. I love how she teaches, because I don't have to go back and study after that. But I don't like her attitude. We're students! Not crap! I was lucky enough to have a calmer Menon during my F7, but apparently the dropping passing rates are driving her up the wall again, let's just see what happens next semester, maybe I'll be lucky again. By the way, this woman gives 12 hours of lectures a week, which means that if I'm going to be taking 3 papers, I'm going to be killing myself with almost every day of class, again! And after what I've gone through this semester, with only a three-day-week, i really don't feel like stressing up myself like that. I find it so much easier to breathe with the space I'm having now.
taking 3 papers next semester, and then one in my final, but working towards a World Prize. Maybe this is far-fetched, but something tells me I have what it takes. It's just that I don't have enough time. And so, perhaps concentrating on one paper will definitely ensure that I will get a World Prize, and of course, a better job opportunity. Perhaps I'll go freelancing around. I'm already freelancing and the money is good, although I know it can be better. So maybe I will be able to convince her to let me stay outside and get me a car. I will, anyway, be paying for it, and I will have to use it once I start working.

In conclusion, I don't know when to graduate.

I need to do a cost-benefit analysis. That's the accountant speaking, by the way. I love costing. I don't know why I didn't think of CIMA in the first place, which leads to my next confusion, to CIMA or not to CIMA, that is the question. I know I definitely don't want to stop here. I know I want to get a PHd, and I know I love costing, but do I really want to put myself through all the pain of exams once I'm done with ACCA, just to get another professional certificate? I know people like Peter will tell me that I don't need it, but I want it! And that's why I don't know what to do. Need and want are two different things. But what if CIMA will give me a better, happier, more self-satisfactory job and life? And what if it doesn't? Also, I will have to pay for not one, but TWO freaking expensive professional fees in FOREIGN CURRENCY. And not just any foreign currency, but in POUNDS!! Which is almost 7 times our own currency on normal days, and close to 6 during recession, which is still freaking EXPENSIVE. By the way, our DPM thinks that we MALAYsians have a very high saving rate. Yes, we save more than Americans, ON AVERAGE, but please go to the shopping malls, and see the way *ahem certain people spend money (I'm not talking about myself). It's as if there is no tomorrow! It's as if money is going out of fashion and they need two freaking bright red sofas from Ikea, when they can get 5 for the same price at their beloved Court's Mammoth, which is ironically situated near Ikea.

I don't even know why I'm blogging. Probably too stressed up. I've attended Mr. Goh's class religiously, although I missed the morning part of today's because the medicine made me so drowsy. I fell really sick two days ago, and yesterday, Auntie talked Sunil (I'm guessing it wasn't his own initiative since I'm not Calista) into drag me to the clinic. It was kind of weird because it seems like we've ran out of things to talk about. Maybe we're growing out of each other. I don't know. I don't have time to think about that. I've now developed a "whatever shall be, shall be policy" when it comes to friendship. I really can't be bothered about people who can't be bothered anymore. Because I've learnt to live with what I have and make the best out of it.

Anyway, I went to class in the afternoon, and I must say, I hate hardworking people. I hate people who think that they are better/ smarter than you are. I hate people who look down upon you. It's as if, if they cock-stared you down hard enough, you won't be able to rise up again. I so want to show this people that they're just not all that. And I don't know why I always work on negative vibes, such as nervous energy, wanting to prove others wrong, and wanting to make them swallow their own words. So let me rephrase that, I hate kiasu people, and I hate people who belittle other people. What happen to late bloomers and silent killers? I don't understand why they won't help and insist on lying. Urgh! I miss having Kuan and Angeline in class with me. Classes are so lonely without them, I still have friends, but they aren't as reliable and trustworthy as Kuan and Angeline. Am looking forward to next semester when they'll hopefully come back. I know that being a professional, your coursemates never last, but I believe in the case of Kuan and Angeline, we'll always be in touch. Because what one lacks, someone will compensate.

By the way, my audit lecturer is resigning. He was supposed to be the lecturer for P3 next semester, but now they've left it to Menon's brother (whom I heard, thank God, is nothing like her). But that would mean that there will be sibling rivalry again! Even Mr. Marcus couldn't steal time from Menon, so now I'm wondering how Dinesh is going to do the same from his much more dominant and loud sister. Funny, how I never liked my audit lecturer, but I do admire his brains, and the way he deciphers information. Makes it so much easier to swallow. At the same time, I don't like how he manages time and his favouritism. I guess everything has its pros and cons.

I don't even know what I'm doing blogging at this state. I'm supposed to be studying. I have to cover law, audit and corporate governance. I don't want to be over-confident this round. I want to do well, to keep my second class upper grade.

Here's to the future...Cheers!

By the way, today, or rather a few hours ago, someone turned a ripe 22.

Happy birthday boo...

will make it up to you with Mango Cheesecake when you come back..

I am Jane, paranoid!!!

2008-11-14T07:53:00.002-08:00

Today, while I was rewarding myself with a short (but turned out to be long) afternoon nap, I felt this stupid mosquito fly around me, making their irritating sound. And being a person who DOES NOT kill mosquitoes or flies, or any other things, I decided to live and let live. Later on, when I was fully awake, I saw the same bloody mosquito again (because the mosquito population up here is not big, therefore the possibility of that mosquito being the same one that bit me is very likely), now all bloody fat and jolly flying around me. Apparently the greedy PIG mosquito decided that it didn't get enough and came back for seconds, maybe thirds or fourths! A closer look gave me a full view of its STRIPED BODY and STRIPED LEGS. And that's when the paranoia settled in. Apparently these creatures DO NOT deserve to live. Because they turn around and bite you everywhere! You won't believe what I did to kill it. I had to crawl under the bed, jump on my bed when it was resting on the ceiling, climb on the table when it flew near the aircond, and finally, I decided to use myself as bait, which worked. And now the stupid mosquito is resting in pieces on my desk, for close inspection. I google-imaged "aedes" to confirm my 'catch' and now I'm freaking out because by the time the incubation period and everything is over, I would be sitting for my exams!! :s some one please help, how do I kill the virus before it spreads? Why do stupid things like this happen to me?? ARRGHHH... I wonder if it has been slowly feeding on me before this, because for the past few days I've been having headaches and muscle aches..Shit!! This cannot be happening to me! Stupid bloody mosquito. You had better not bred in my room. I blame my housemates. They freaking don't know how to keep the place clean. My roommate is just as irritated. I hope the flies and cockroaches go over there, and not here.