I am Jane's Goodbye

Hello, Jane from slightly more than three years ago,

I see that you've been neglected,
that I've neglected you.
I need you to know that I never meant for it to
turn out this way.
I thought you'd always be my one true love
and the only thing I cared about.
More importantly,
the only thing that cared about me
and my ticket out.

But as it is to everyone,
life is never what it seems,
never what we hope it'd be,
never what we intended.

I've missed you, old friend.

I've always meant to visit,
but it turns out I'm quite the workaholic,
even though I hate what I do.

You've always been on my mind,
always part of the plan.
Not having you around,
even though you were always a click away
has been hard.

But I'm glad I've finally got the guts to do this.

You see,
I've been in a deep slumber.
No,
not the kind with nightmares or sweet dreams,
not the kind you wake up refresh from.
I've been just floating around,
aimlessly,
trying to find,
trying to reach,
trying to escape.

When you've been here all along.

Reading through the memories we shared made me realise
that I never thought I'd be here this way,
that life would turn out this way.

You were the only one for me,
the only thing right for me,
and I shunned you away,
because they told me to,
because they told me it was the right thing to do,
because they told me that you'd get me no where.

If that is the case,
I'm willing to take the chance.

I could have been many things,
but the one thing I never did see myself
was being here.

It's taken me three long years,
everyday waking up thinking if today's the day
I get my "Ah-hah!" moment.
Well, to be honest I did..
I had one..

It took me to a place I never thought was possible,
it found me love I never thought existed,
gave me wisdom beyond imagination.

I am more bitter than ever,
more hurt than before,
more vengeful than I appear.

Well, I guess some things don't ever change.

But there's this new thing I've learnt.
That is to let go.
I haven't mastered this new power yet,
but I am trying.
So far, I've been able to do it to most things,
but there are those little things,
and then there's my Kryptonite.

But from here on out,
I think it's best we not be seen in public together..
Trust me, it's for your own good.

And before I leave,
I just want to say,
that having you around,
and having visit you today,
I realise that life isn't that bad to me.

I'm not spoilt,
but I've always tried my best to ensure my dreams
came true.
I didn't wish for them to come true,
I worked my ass off.
It's not that I'm complaining,
I wouldn't want it anyway,
because I love and treasure everything I have
more because it didn't fall from the sky.

Looking back at me back then..
I guess I do have some of the things I wished for,
and that's why I think,
I should continue from where I left off.

I have this one last dream that I have always wanted,
always hoped,
always imagined.

And some how, it never did has not realise.
I guess,
I guess,
I guess I'm just not ready to lose hope yet.

And I hope, that the new you will be my way out.
I'm not leaving you because I'm done with you,
neither am I leaving because I think you're not good enough.

I'm just in a really dark place right now,
and I think I really need a new blank page to start off.
You can rest assured that I won't forget you,
and who knows,
I might come back.

But for now,
I think it's best we go our separate ways,
my journey is long and tiring,
and I really need to travel light.

Maybe one day, I can bring you along,
but for now,
it's just going to have to be me alone.

I haven't really gotten back my spirit,
and I sure as hell am almost out of energy.

But before I'm totally flat,
deflated,
punctured,
burnt,
I'd like to give it one last chance,
because it just feels so right,
like it did before.

And until then,
you will always be my pilot,
my first.

I am Jane yoyo-ing

Woke up feeling dreadful,

Managed to push it all out by noon.

Psyched myself up by evening,

came home only to be kicked hard in the ass.

Fell right down into a place that somewhat felt like hell,

Read an e-mail,

Bounce right back up.

I know what I want.

You all just don't give me the space to execute it.

Let me grow.

Stop smothering me.

On a side note, I'm so vengeful that I haven't forgiven my uncle.

Don't think I ever will.

I'm still so angry.

So angry that I refuse to attend my cousin's wedding.

Bite me.

He decided to put my life in danger everyday.

I think I'm not obligated to 'give him any face'.

I am Jane's stupidity

At the risk of sounding arrogant,

I know I'm intelligent.

And I know I knowingly do stupid things sometimes.

Bite me.

I don't feel like I need to explain my stupidity.

Find your own Stupid.

This one's mine.

I am Jane, trust me

I never forgive.

And I definitely never forget.

I'm vengeful.

Whatever.

I am Jane's new level of low

It's been so long since I've had a self-actualizing moment.

I miss them.

Days when I finally see through the whole layer of dust after digging deep into the unknown.

Days when things weren't exactly alright, but it made sense.

I know I have a lot to write down,

but I really can't get it out in words.

The emotions,

the feelings,

the pain,

the doubt.

Sorry I missed out week two, three and I suppose, four.

As you can tell, it has been hell for me.

Worst of all,

I have no emotional support now whatsoever.

Just pieces of strings dangling around.

Every one I pull risks not being a secure one.

Heck, to find one that's firmly tied is next to impossible now.

All I can say is I'm not at peace with myself.

As Ezra says, I have no direction.

I kind of lost it when I achieved the first one.

Nothing got me as motivated.

Now everybody tells me that I know what I want,

I know where I want to be,

It's just at the back of my head.

But the thing is,

even I can't bring it out!

Even my blog sucks now..

I used to have depth.

So much that I didn't need width..

Now, all I have is shallowness and emptiness.

Basically..

I suck..

I am Jane

All I want to say is....



FUCK MY LIFE

I am Jane's First Week

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?