I am Jane's First Week

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?

I am Jane's Statement of Financial Position

The problem with decisions is that they stem from choices.

The problem with choices is that sometimes you have to forego other choices.

The problem with foregoing other choices is that you miss out on other opportunities.

If you want, I could draw a tree diagram for you.

But it's all common sense, so I'm not going to belittle your intellect by doing so.

A year ago, I had a dream.

A year ago, I wanted to go places.

I wanted to take a break.

I wanted to give my brain a rest.

But Banum is right,

if I had taken up a job at operational level,

I would have drove myself up the wall.

Who knows, my IQ level would have dropped 100 notches.

As it is, I'm already becoming dumber thanks to the people I work(ed) with.

And then there is opportunity.

And then there is coincidence.

It was a coincidence that this was the only resort who was willing to hire me.

Like I said, I had an impressive CV.

So impressive that everybody else refused to hire me.

It was by mere chance that the HR manager showed the Financial Controller my CV.

But I never knew what he meant for me to do until I met him face-to-face.

For all I know, he is the only person who knows what ACCA is.

Call it pure coincidence, or maybe it is written in the stars.

My horoscope says that I am to have 'great career opportunities' this year.

And that I will meet a workplace mentor who will be able to spur me further.

Now, I've been screaming my whole life about how everybody goes "You have potential"

but never do anything about it.

And here comes a man, who is willing to give me all the opportunities in the world.

So much so that at this very moment, I am so very afraid that I will let him down.

In comes my confidence level.

I've been so beaten down my whole life that the ground I walk on seems wobbly.

I blame the people around me.

But I know for a fact that even if they do take the fault,

there is no one in this world but my own self who can help me rise up again.

Ms Jane,

You are inferior to none.

You yourself determine the level of authority you possess.

Show them who's boss and they will start respecting you.

Start acting like the personnel you should be and they will follow suit.

Tell me one thing that they have that you don't?

Statement of Financial Position as of 22 August 2010

Assets

Non Current Assets

Youth

Paper Qualifications

Creativity

Intellectual Property

Current Assets

Theoretical Knowledge

Partial Application of ACCA knowledge

Marital Status

Willingness to learn

Willingness to take criticism

Equities and Liabilities

Equities

Time

Freedom/ Willingness to travel

Non-Current Liabilities

Future Job Prospects

Current Liabilities

Low self-confidence

Poor health

Ability to handle idiots

As an accountant, I have to believe that my balance sheet will balance. But I would like to see a drastic increase in my 'assets' soon, and a corresponding increase in equities, not liabilities.

This started out as a temporary arrangement. But I believe that God has a plan. I want to believe that he put me here for a reason. I want to believe that I can do wonders here, no matter how impossible it may be. I pray he will give me the strength to persevere, I pray he will put in place the proper people who will be able to guide me.

I would say that I have had a narrow escape this last week. I wouldn't say that it was a terrible ordeal, but it definitely was an eye opener. I thank God that my boss here is very understanding. He is a man of great wisdom, and experience. I hope that he will be able to teach me great things. When I leave the company, I want to be three quarters the professional he is. I thank God that he is able to advice me both professionally and personally. I pray that he will continue to assist me in any way he can. I want so badly to learn.

I know that miracles don't happen overnight. I want so badly for this nightmare to end.

Thus, I hereby promise myself that I will make an effort so that at the end of the day, I will be able to look back and think "At least I tried". The company might not be the most ideal one, but the person in charge has his head screwed on properly. I want to learn from this great man. Hence, I give myself four weeks from Tuesday onwards to clean up my act here. I will make the best of this four weeks. I hope that by the end of this four weeks, I would have learnt something, we would have worked things out, and I would be able to go back there and start implementing them bit by bit. I hope that whoever the next general manager is, he'd be better than the last, and that all this problems we have had this year (which are not even related to me) will be smoothen out so that I won't have to deal with ridiculous things such as having to chase after housekeeping and laundry boys.