I am Jane's Goodbye

Hello, Jane from slightly more than three years ago,

I see that you've been neglected,
that I've neglected you.
I need you to know that I never meant for it to
turn out this way.
I thought you'd always be my one true love
and the only thing I cared about.
More importantly,
the only thing that cared about me
and my ticket out.

But as it is to everyone,
life is never what it seems,
never what we hope it'd be,
never what we intended.

I've missed you, old friend.

I've always meant to visit,
but it turns out I'm quite the workaholic,
even though I hate what I do.

You've always been on my mind,
always part of the plan.
Not having you around,
even though you were always a click away
has been hard.

But I'm glad I've finally got the guts to do this.

You see,
I've been in a deep slumber.
No,
not the kind with nightmares or sweet dreams,
not the kind you wake up refresh from.
I've been just floating around,
aimlessly,
trying to find,
trying to reach,
trying to escape.

When you've been here all along.

Reading through the memories we shared made me realise
that I never thought I'd be here this way,
that life would turn out this way.

You were the only one for me,
the only thing right for me,
and I shunned you away,
because they told me to,
because they told me it was the right thing to do,
because they told me that you'd get me no where.

If that is the case,
I'm willing to take the chance.

I could have been many things,
but the one thing I never did see myself
was being here.

It's taken me three long years,
everyday waking up thinking if today's the day
I get my "Ah-hah!" moment.
Well, to be honest I did..
I had one..

It took me to a place I never thought was possible,
it found me love I never thought existed,
gave me wisdom beyond imagination.

I am more bitter than ever,
more hurt than before,
more vengeful than I appear.

Well, I guess some things don't ever change.

But there's this new thing I've learnt.
That is to let go.
I haven't mastered this new power yet,
but I am trying.
So far, I've been able to do it to most things,
but there are those little things,
and then there's my Kryptonite.

But from here on out,
I think it's best we not be seen in public together..
Trust me, it's for your own good.

And before I leave,
I just want to say,
that having you around,
and having visit you today,
I realise that life isn't that bad to me.

I'm not spoilt,
but I've always tried my best to ensure my dreams
came true.
I didn't wish for them to come true,
I worked my ass off.
It's not that I'm complaining,
I wouldn't want it anyway,
because I love and treasure everything I have
more because it didn't fall from the sky.

Looking back at me back then..
I guess I do have some of the things I wished for,
and that's why I think,
I should continue from where I left off.

I have this one last dream that I have always wanted,
always hoped,
always imagined.

And some how, it never did has not realise.
I guess,
I guess,
I guess I'm just not ready to lose hope yet.

And I hope, that the new you will be my way out.
I'm not leaving you because I'm done with you,
neither am I leaving because I think you're not good enough.

I'm just in a really dark place right now,
and I think I really need a new blank page to start off.
You can rest assured that I won't forget you,
and who knows,
I might come back.

But for now,
I think it's best we go our separate ways,
my journey is long and tiring,
and I really need to travel light.

Maybe one day, I can bring you along,
but for now,
it's just going to have to be me alone.

I haven't really gotten back my spirit,
and I sure as hell am almost out of energy.

But before I'm totally flat,
deflated,
punctured,
burnt,
I'd like to give it one last chance,
because it just feels so right,
like it did before.

And until then,
you will always be my pilot,
my first.

I am Jane yoyo-ing

Woke up feeling dreadful,

Managed to push it all out by noon.

Psyched myself up by evening,

came home only to be kicked hard in the ass.

Fell right down into a place that somewhat felt like hell,

Read an e-mail,

Bounce right back up.

I know what I want.

You all just don't give me the space to execute it.

Let me grow.

Stop smothering me.

On a side note, I'm so vengeful that I haven't forgiven my uncle.

Don't think I ever will.

I'm still so angry.

So angry that I refuse to attend my cousin's wedding.

Bite me.

He decided to put my life in danger everyday.

I think I'm not obligated to 'give him any face'.

I am Jane's stupidity

At the risk of sounding arrogant,

I know I'm intelligent.

And I know I knowingly do stupid things sometimes.

Bite me.

I don't feel like I need to explain my stupidity.

Find your own Stupid.

This one's mine.

I am Jane, trust me

I never forgive.

And I definitely never forget.

I'm vengeful.

Whatever.

I am Jane's new level of low

It's been so long since I've had a self-actualizing moment.

I miss them.

Days when I finally see through the whole layer of dust after digging deep into the unknown.

Days when things weren't exactly alright, but it made sense.

I know I have a lot to write down,

but I really can't get it out in words.

The emotions,

the feelings,

the pain,

the doubt.

Sorry I missed out week two, three and I suppose, four.

As you can tell, it has been hell for me.

Worst of all,

I have no emotional support now whatsoever.

Just pieces of strings dangling around.

Every one I pull risks not being a secure one.

Heck, to find one that's firmly tied is next to impossible now.

All I can say is I'm not at peace with myself.

As Ezra says, I have no direction.

I kind of lost it when I achieved the first one.

Nothing got me as motivated.

Now everybody tells me that I know what I want,

I know where I want to be,

It's just at the back of my head.

But the thing is,

even I can't bring it out!

Even my blog sucks now..

I used to have depth.

So much that I didn't need width..

Now, all I have is shallowness and emptiness.

Basically..

I suck..

I am Jane

All I want to say is....



FUCK MY LIFE

I am Jane's First Week

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?

I am Jane's Statement of Financial Position

The problem with decisions is that they stem from choices.

The problem with choices is that sometimes you have to forego other choices.

The problem with foregoing other choices is that you miss out on other opportunities.

If you want, I could draw a tree diagram for you.

But it's all common sense, so I'm not going to belittle your intellect by doing so.

A year ago, I had a dream.

A year ago, I wanted to go places.

I wanted to take a break.

I wanted to give my brain a rest.

But Banum is right,

if I had taken up a job at operational level,

I would have drove myself up the wall.

Who knows, my IQ level would have dropped 100 notches.

As it is, I'm already becoming dumber thanks to the people I work(ed) with.

And then there is opportunity.

And then there is coincidence.

It was a coincidence that this was the only resort who was willing to hire me.

Like I said, I had an impressive CV.

So impressive that everybody else refused to hire me.

It was by mere chance that the HR manager showed the Financial Controller my CV.

But I never knew what he meant for me to do until I met him face-to-face.

For all I know, he is the only person who knows what ACCA is.

Call it pure coincidence, or maybe it is written in the stars.

My horoscope says that I am to have 'great career opportunities' this year.

And that I will meet a workplace mentor who will be able to spur me further.

Now, I've been screaming my whole life about how everybody goes "You have potential"

but never do anything about it.

And here comes a man, who is willing to give me all the opportunities in the world.

So much so that at this very moment, I am so very afraid that I will let him down.

In comes my confidence level.

I've been so beaten down my whole life that the ground I walk on seems wobbly.

I blame the people around me.

But I know for a fact that even if they do take the fault,

there is no one in this world but my own self who can help me rise up again.

Ms Jane,

You are inferior to none.

You yourself determine the level of authority you possess.

Show them who's boss and they will start respecting you.

Start acting like the personnel you should be and they will follow suit.

Tell me one thing that they have that you don't?

Statement of Financial Position as of 22 August 2010

Assets

Non Current Assets

Youth

Paper Qualifications

Creativity

Intellectual Property

Current Assets

Theoretical Knowledge

Partial Application of ACCA knowledge

Marital Status

Willingness to learn

Willingness to take criticism

Equities and Liabilities

Equities

Time

Freedom/ Willingness to travel

Non-Current Liabilities

Future Job Prospects

Current Liabilities

Low self-confidence

Poor health

Ability to handle idiots

As an accountant, I have to believe that my balance sheet will balance. But I would like to see a drastic increase in my 'assets' soon, and a corresponding increase in equities, not liabilities.

This started out as a temporary arrangement. But I believe that God has a plan. I want to believe that he put me here for a reason. I want to believe that I can do wonders here, no matter how impossible it may be. I pray he will give me the strength to persevere, I pray he will put in place the proper people who will be able to guide me.

I would say that I have had a narrow escape this last week. I wouldn't say that it was a terrible ordeal, but it definitely was an eye opener. I thank God that my boss here is very understanding. He is a man of great wisdom, and experience. I hope that he will be able to teach me great things. When I leave the company, I want to be three quarters the professional he is. I thank God that he is able to advice me both professionally and personally. I pray that he will continue to assist me in any way he can. I want so badly to learn.

I know that miracles don't happen overnight. I want so badly for this nightmare to end.

Thus, I hereby promise myself that I will make an effort so that at the end of the day, I will be able to look back and think "At least I tried". The company might not be the most ideal one, but the person in charge has his head screwed on properly. I want to learn from this great man. Hence, I give myself four weeks from Tuesday onwards to clean up my act here. I will make the best of this four weeks. I hope that by the end of this four weeks, I would have learnt something, we would have worked things out, and I would be able to go back there and start implementing them bit by bit. I hope that whoever the next general manager is, he'd be better than the last, and that all this problems we have had this year (which are not even related to me) will be smoothen out so that I won't have to deal with ridiculous things such as having to chase after housekeeping and laundry boys.

I am Jane's bad idea

This was a bad idea.

Please.

Seriously.

You thought you could do this whole sit still shit?

Oh God,

I'm beginning to doubt how much I know myself.

I hate you!!!

Why do you do this to me?

Now you've disappeared again.

I swear to God.

You intrigue me.

You intrigue the hell out of me.

I can't figure you out.

And it's bugging me.

I am Jane's Confusion

Are you calling because you care,

or are you calling because you have to?

Are you calling to see how I am,

or are you calling because you want to rub it in my face?

Heck, I don't know why I even give in to you and your whims!

Why do I even pick up your calls.

Why are you doing this to me?

Can you please cut the crap?

I've learnt my lesson.

You've made your point.

Can we now please go back to normal?

ARGHHH...I swear to God.

Even I hate myself now.

I hate how I'm acting and whining about you.

NO ONE messes with my head.

NO ONE makes me feel like that.

I don't want YOU to be the first one.

God, give me a sign.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can solve this once and for all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc7W8Q-g9Lg

See I don't understand how you're number one

When it was just a fling before

Now you're the one.

Akulah Kenangan Terindah Jane

Ayang,

Arini sya terbyg tm ayg duk2 sblah sya.

Ayg sgt syg sya tm tu.

Sya x tau ke mana gi nya sume rasa kasih syg itu.

Mmg sya x dpt tpu dri.

Sya mmg rindukan ayg.

Rindu sgt2.

Bab ngan ayg, sya x perlu risau pape.

Sumenye ayg yg jaga.

Sumenye ayg yg tlg rasa marah tuk sya.

Dgn ayg, relax je.

Cam dunia ni x wujud.

Yg wujud hanya kitorg

Sya teringat ayg tibe2 pegang tgn sya,

belek sini belek sana.

Pastu tergelak sniri.

Rupa2nya ayg cari2 tahi lalat sya.

Org kita same hingga tahi lalat pon nak same gak.

Hairan tol.

Suke gile sye tgk ayg tersenyum lebar.

Ayg pernah janji nak kasi letak byk2 gambak kat facebook.

Bab ayg nak tgk sye happy.

Ayg tau sye happy bile tgk ayg senyum lebar2.

Bile tgk ayg senyum,

hati sye rasa sejuk je.

Rasa cam, sumenye pon leh lupe.

Sya x tau la ke mana gi nya sume janji2 ayg tu.

Sya masi x caya ayg kan tpu sya.

Sya tau, stiap kali ayg tpu sya tu tuk kebaikan sya gak,

tpi lambat laun ayg gitau gak sbab sbnarnye.

Tpi skrg, ntah la bape lame sye kena tunggu smpai ayg sudi gitau sya perkara sbnarnya.

Ape mulut ayg gitu manis hingga janji pon jdi cam benar?

Sya x caya, ayg.

Ade bezanya lau sorg to ckap tpu ngan ckap benar.

Sya x paham nape ayg x kasi sye chance tuk memahami ayg.

X tau la ayg.

Tm ayg ade,

ayg x kasi sye dengar lagu ni.

Bab ayg x mau sya jdi kenangan terindah.

Ayg x mau kite berpisah.

Skrg, jgnkan kenangan terindah.

Ayg nak lupekan sye,

lupekan segala2nye.

Tpi sya x leh.

N sya x sudi.

Biarlah ayg tiada di hidup sya.

Tpi sya tetap mau ayg jdi kenangan terindah lam idup sya.

Bkan krn apa.

Tpi bab sya x pernah rasakan hati yg gitu ikhlas pda sya.

Mungkin kita x kan berjumpe gi.

Tpi, ayg mmg lain.

N sya dah letih sgt.

Mungkin ayg syg sya gi.

Tpi ayg rasakan lebih baik kite x bersama.

Sya hormat keputusan ayg.

Ape leh sye wat.

Sye x nak paksa2 ayg gi.

Bab sya paham prangai ayg.

Biarlah ayg,

janji kmu x smpai benci sya.

Sya mengaku kalah.

Sya perlukan masa tuk sembuh.

Mungkin satu hari nti,

sya harap kita dpt berjumpa.

Ayg pernah janji nak trus trang ngan sya kan.

Tu sja yg akan sya minta tm tu.

Bab sya pon ade yg nak bertrus trang ngan ayg.

Ayg amik lah mase brapa lame pon tuk pikir.

Bab sya sniri pon nak pikir gak.

Slamat tinggal, syangku.

I am Jane today

Mornings are the worst.

I wake up,

knowing there is no message from you,

knowing that you haven't called,

knowing that I wasn't the first thing you thought about when you first woke up.

I try to drag waking up.

Because then I'd have less of the day to witness,

to sit and wait around.

I know I'm being childish.

But why shouldn't I?

I don't understand why I should be mature everytime.

Thinking about the positive instead of the negative.

Yeah, I want to drown in sorrow.

Well I'm just being realistic.

I want to face the problem.

I don't want to push it away,

put on a smile,

and pretend that everything's alright when it isn't.

I am addressing the problem.

I don't think I'm that bad a judge of character.

I met Jums a year ago.

I knew I wanted to know him better because I knew there was more to him.

And guess what?

I was right.

As fate would have had it,

we met again this year.

There was way more to him than I thought there was.

As for you.

I don't know.

Right now, every single song I listen to reminds me of you.

You and your promises.

This one,

I guess we were both playing with fire.

"I tried to believe every word of your sweet story,

but intuition keeps telling me

you're making a fool outta me"

Maybe this would have been more appropriate when we started fighting,

when you started drifting away.

You really thought that I wouldn't notice?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing means more than the truth

And the truth is that I realize love is fading from your eyes

Don't know how it came to this but we gonna get it fixed tonight

Coz nothing, nothing, nothing is worth losing you"

I don't know if I still feel that way,

but when I first read the lyrics,

it hit me bad.

Because we promised we'd tell each other the truth.

You and I, we both were tired and sick of the lies involved in a relationship.

Our relationship might not have been a healthy one,

but it was a very convenient one.

It worked there and then.

Maybe it wouldn't work next year.

But I don't understand why you got so afraid.

This is for now.

Your lies are really haunting me,

I know your eyes will give me answers to the why.

I don't know.

I don't believe any of your stories now.

Maybe by doing so,

I'll get even more hurt in the end,

if I find out that you have been telling me the truth all the time.

But right now,

I don't know.

Maybe we will have another shot.

But we both know that we never were for second shots.

Let's see how it goes.

I'm not giving you anymore of my ego.

You have had enough.

It's your turn now.

And oh, boy.

I know how to make you beg and plead.

"See the mirror in your eyes,

see the truth behind your lies,

your lies are haunting me.

See the reason in your eyes,

giving answer to the why,

your eyes are haunting me"

This is how you made me feel,

that's why we worked then.

We can still work.

Because everytime that you do call me,

I still hear how much you care for me in your voice.

You have anger,

you have jealousy,

and maybe you had too much of both.

But deep down inside,

I know that you can't forget me.

That is why you want to go cold turkey.

I don't understand why you can't be honest with me about it.

You know I'll help you.

You know that we'd be able to talk through this.

I guess I've learnt that,

and you haven't.

Maybe one day you will up and realise.

But it will be too late,

because I will no longer be waiting for you.

You are right,

if you didn't care,

you wouldn't bother to call me anymore.

You'd just switch numbers.

That is all I have hanging right now.

I won't push you anymore.

You take your time and think about it.

You take your time to realise that you miss me.

I just hope you won't be stupid enough to drown all that with other things.

Right now, I'm indifferent to your calls and messages.

Knowing that you still make an effort makes a difference.

It is not the substance of our calls anymore.

Come to your senses, boy.

I don't want to be a drama queen,

I just want you to see,

Everything I need.

I am Jane's decision

I think I'm going to leave you be.

I don't want to push you.

I have my own dignity.

And I know you understand me.

I've already given enough of my pride to you.

Maybe if we took a breather,

you'll come back.

I don't want to force you anymore.

Somewhere deep down inside

I know all this is not happening.

Then maybe you will come back.

And we can start a new game.

Remember,

it's only a game.

I am Jane's mood swing

I figured it all out.

I never would have guessed Sasha would have understood.

Maybe that's how she felt 2 years ago.

I don't know why I let you make me feel this way.

Something inside is telling me this isn't true.

I don't know which hurts more.

The reason for your lies,

or the lie itself.

I only want closure.

Seriously.

Right now,

my intuitions are telling me that it was all a lie.

What you don't know is that I'm lying to you too.

So let's see who gets the last laugh.

Yes, in that way you intrigue me.

Like I said, we have many things in common.

So it's much easier to gauge your actions than you think.

We could have been good together.

Imagine all the mind games we would play.

Right now, I only want to win this one.

I am Jane in the morning

I hate mornings.

Everybody knows that.

I hate waking up in the morning.

I hate the bright sunshine.

I hate the morning dew.

And now I have a new reason to hate mornings.

Everyday I wake up is like a torture.

Is today the day?

Will I finally snap out of it?

And the worst things is to find out that it feels like today is exactly the same as yesterday.

It feels like time is refusing to move.

What have you done to me?

I'm not myself.

I guess I shouldn't have played with fire.

I was in control of the fire.

But somewhere some how,

the fire spread to an unknown place.

And now I can't find it.

And of course, it's growing bigger and bigger by the day.

All I can do is hope that the area is airtight.

So that one day, the fire will run out of oxygen.

And die on its own.

I am Jane's Insanity

So I spent about a month moping, and brooding, and letting this person run my life and affect how I feel (no not my mum).

I swear.

I am my worst poison.

But I am also my own cure.

I really don't understand how I work.

One day I could feel like I wish the end of the world would come,

and the next I'd be like F*** you.

Right now, I'm trying very hard to maintain the latter.

I don't really have control over it.

Especially in the morning when I've just woken up.

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again.

But I want my phone back.

So I need that job.

And I need them to call me tomorrow.

I am Jane's possible twin

We didn't only share the same birthdate.

We had a lot in common.

We liked the same things,

we felt the same way.

We even mysteriously shared the same past,

with the same events occurring in a different sequence.

And we had moles in the same places.

I remember how you pointed them all out.

How we sat and compared moles.

And then laughed about it.

That was my fondest memory of you.

It was traditional.

And I for one am NOT traditional.

But it felt good to be traditional for once.

And I guess it was the wrong timing and everything,

but I actually wondered what was wrong with being traditional,

assuming traditional roles?

I'm not saying that we should conform,

but why bother fighting?

Half of the things I want to say will cause and uprage.

The other half will either want you to disown me or give me a good knocking.

I know all that.

I know the problem.

I know I shouldn't feel like this.

I know I should be grateful.

I know I should let go.

But I can't.

Something is telling me that there's more to it.

And I have no idea why I'm so fixated over it.

It has gotten to a point where it's so sick.

I for one, declared myself sick in the head.

I really thought I was going crazy, not in a good way.

I thought I was losing it.

I thought I was going eccentric.

Maybe I am.

But I need closure.

I want the truth.

That was the basis of our entire relationship.

That and our never-ending jealousy that fueled our passion.

I know I tend to over-analyse things.

If I could, I'd plot graphs and charts out.

I want to know.

Actually I do.

I know the one single problem that caused all this.

But you know the sad thing?

I have no control over that one single thing.

And if the man is right, that one single thing is here to stay for a long time.

What I don't get is why should I work my way AROUND this problem?

I mean I deserve the 50-80 years I have on this earth as much as she does.

So why should I spend 40-60 years NOT being satisfied

Not being happy

and always having to think of the problem?

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of person I really am.

Since that is the deciding factor,

and its absence will completely throw off all dynamics.

I want to know that person.

Because I don't like this person now.

It's not like I've never tried.

In fact, I've been trying too hard.

There are times when I make a point NOT to respond,

but at the end of the day, when something is over,

I come to realise that she was part of it, someway or another,

directly or indirectly.

I've been living like this for the past 20 years

so much so that it's embedded in me.

I do it unconsciously, and even if I make an effort to NOT do it consciously,

I somehow or rather manage to in the end.

You do realise that once she is gone, I might have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't want that at 60 years.

I want to be who I am now so that I can be contented with my self in 40 years.

I know my problem

I know the cause

I know why it affects me

I know how it affects me

I know what it can do to me

I know all this

What I don't know is how to overcome it.

Since my life kind of came in a package with it.

Wei Wei told me that people who believe in rebirth believe that you choose your own parents.

I wonder if I was high while I made that choice.

Again, I'm not saying that she does not love me.

I'm just saying that she loves me in a way that is detrimental to me.

She definitely can't see it.

Have you ever had to pretend to be happy in front of your mother?

I have.

In fact, I've always had to.

And I know that I will always have to.

This fact alone; that my own mother is insensitive to my feelings

that my own mother cannot be there for me when the world is against me

that my own mother tells me that I have to suck up to it when I'm feeling down and all alone.

Think of that.

And think of the person I am.

If I am able to deceive a person who has brought me up for 20 years.

Do you not think that I can deceive anyone about my feelings?

Heck, I'm so good, I can even deceive myself.

I only let you know, if I want to.

And there are times when I want to, and there's no one there.

Because everybody things that it is IMPOSSIBLE.

And that I have no such problems.

I'm so good, I don't know if I should congratulate myself.

If there was a Golden Globe awards at the end of the life, I'm pretty sure I'd be best actress and drama queen.

I am emotionally high maintenance.

And that was the one thing that we didn't have in common.

Maybe it was the age difference.

Other wise, we clicked fine.

And he used to make me all giddy and swirly inside.

I guess I let my guard down, thinking he was harmless.

And now...I've no idea why I feel this way.

I know I shouldn't.

I know I wouldn't.

I know I actually don't.

But I want to and I'm kind of allowing myself, more like making myself brood over it.

I want closure.

I want the truth.

I want to know that I was right.

Maybe its a pride thing.

But right now, to me.

I want to know that I made the right choice,

that I did not misjudge,

and that I am not that kind of person.

After all, we shared the same personality.

It was just so easy with him.

All I had to say was "Imagine if I did that to you".

Or "I'm pretty sure you know how I feel right now."

It was so easy.

And we actually did.

I don't know where it went wrong.

And like his favourite song says:

I've been a fool,

that I know,

didn't expect this is how things would go.

Maybe in time,

you'll change your mind,

now looking back

I wish I could rewind.

I don't regret a single bit.

I gained many realisations in these two months.

But I'm not ready to let go yet.

Not yet.

And I hope he changes his mind.

*****very heavily censored

I am Jane too depressed to blog

I am actually too depressed to blog...can you believe it?

I don't want to be a girl.

I don't want to be a boy either.

I want to be androgynous.

A-sexual if I may.

I don't want to worry about boys.

I don't want to worry about girls.

Hmm...I actually blogged.

I have no idea how to unload this heavy thoughts.

It doesn't really hurt.

But I feel unsatisfied.

I can't rest until I've known the truth.

I'm Jane and I'm NOT Fine without You

Is it a wonder I resist from you

I was the one who fell in this game

Then you took me away from you

Why did it have to happen now?

I'm not fine.

I don't know how to make myself fine.

I feel like dying and I have less than a week till my first paper.

I know you don't care about me anymore.

But your words,

they haunt me when I go to sleep.

The silence,

it haunts me when I wake up.

I am Jane's Maxim the Maxis Broadband

I swear to earth.

Bloody Maxis broadband was working fine the first week I got it,

which was also the trial period.

And then on the 8th day, it started running ONLY on EDGE network.

And yesterday when I decided that I will not go online until the 11th,

it starts to switch between WCDMA and HSPA...

All I want to say is **&%*&%*^!#@!#*&&^*&^*&%*&

You got that right!

All the wasted bandwidth!