I am Jane's Obligatory Post

Twenty years ago, I was born on this very date. I still stick by my previous year's resolution to refuse to make a big fuss over a small date. Other dates, maybe. But not this one. Maybe I was hoping that if I'd stop counting down towards it, it'd be less sucky. Well, it's a good thing that I placed no importance on it, because today went possibly quite wrong.

First, my spa getaway was put to a stop by the very fact that I am not of age (what a lame excuse).
Secondly I had to see the faces of two people that I currently despise very much due to their very existence on this planet.
Thirdly I had to sit in the LRT for two hours idling my time away when I could really hear the clock ticking on me.
Fourth my nose has been bleeding and I have no idea why, and I feel faint.
Fifth I cut my finger on a plastic tupperware (grr...plastic cuts..)
Sixth I'm craving for a good cup of coffee but there is none in sight
Seventh my roommate accidentally broke the cup that Prema and I took from Qbar when I got her super drunk

Yes, I know I should be counting my blessings. At least on this birthday, I'm not crying. Probably because I made a point to be alone and not make a big fuss over not being seen. And so I shall recall 20 blessings. At the age of 20:

1. I will have a degree to my name
2. I will have a professional cert to my name
3. I have a freelance job that I love and a job that I'm looking forward to exploring
4. I am completely comfortable with being by myself, alone. Perfectly contented.
5. I have a belly piercing to mark several significant events.
6. I'm finally glad to have hair cuts (I used to get cranky whenever my mum forced me to cut my hair because people would laugh at me the next day and I felt as if the hair dresser cut off parts of my brains because my head felt so light after it).
7. The number of friends I have has dropped drastically, with reclassification of many to the "acquaintances" category, but I'm perfectly contented in knowing that I was brave enough to stop myself from being false.
8. I've been in a relationship for more than two years, something I've never done before
9. I learn to stop bitching about my mum because the things she does are becoming more and more irrational, nonsensical and absurd. (does that count as bitching?) And I see how I will never be able to escape her until I make a point to do so.
   
10. I've made friends with someone whom everyone deems as superficial, and got her to get in touch with her emotions.
11. I've decided that dogs make better companions than humans and taking care of Kaiser puppy for 3 months will leave a big hole in my heart when he leaves.
12. I've learnt that I need to get a hold of myself before I can get a hold of my life
13. I've learnt not to let other people dictate my life and not be bothered by what they think
14. I've finally faced the fact that there are people who pretend to be nice to be just so they can squeeze me dry
15. I've learnt to face the fact that I have to stop lingering around people who inject negativity into my life because it just makes me miserable and I do not deserve to be miserable
16. On the contrary, I've learnt that I am incapable of being perfectly contented and therefore I shall take each day as it comes
17. I've learnt to pave my own way and not follow the foot steps of others
18. I've learnt not to believe in something just because people tell me it's real, but because I choose to do so in my very own way
19. I've learnt to quiet down from being the social butterfly to someone that is self-absorbed and home bound
20. I know that no matter how much I hate being me, there's no one else I'd rather be.

But then again, that was not really the day I was born. Today is. We'll see how it goes.

I am Jane's Accute Concentrated Coffee Addiction

That time of the year is going to come soon again. Specifically in one week's time. Although I really should get started now, not one week later, seeing that I have an even heavier load than I usually have. The thing is even though there is this perception that ACCA is VERY tough, I find that most of its papers are durable. That is, if you see the light at the end of the tunnel. But this semester, I don't know if it's because of the heavy work load, or because of the extra external factors, or perhaps its just because of that one stupid P2 paper which I hate so much but yet am forced to do it and even worse still, is one of the reasons why ACCA graduates are much sought after, is so damn difficult. And to top it all up, I have Ms Menon as my lecturer. If you'd like to know more about her, please just read my notes in Facebook, or you can google Menon Sunway P2. There are tons of other people complaining about her. So I shall not bother jumping up the same bandwagon.

Often a time, I don't blog because I always think that the time that I use to blog can be used to do other things (such as study, of which I don't usually end up doing). But then again, while bathing today (I know, I get epiphanies at weirdest places at the most random times), I realised that blogging IS my only catharsis, seeing that I am pathetic and have no real life friends. And so yes, I guess my blog is aptly named, and I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone of your feelings by saying that I have no friends. I don't really understand how that bothers people. And that's why I've chosen to shut it out from the eyes of the public. Something more of a Limited Liability company, Sendirian Berhad, get my drift? In a sense that I shall limit the people allowed to see it, limit the content of the blog, limit the WORDS per post, and have absolutely no liability over what is said here (I am, afterall, INSANE).

And guess what? I wanted to blog about a whole different topic today, and I ended up with this! Anyway, I'm not going to spend anymore time here. I might as well use it to make some dough!! By the way, Sasha, Amrita and Janice made AWESOME AWESOME cheesecake today.

Note to self: Next blog is supposed to be about my so-called 'selfishness'. We'll see if I still have the mood to write about it the next time around. Till then, good night.

P/S: From today onwards, you shall get to monitor my moodswings with the addition of the sentence below on subsequent posts. Apparently, I HAVE very VERY BAD moodswings.

Jane is feeling safer and more sheltered from the harsh world, knowing that she can finally sleep tonight. I hope this marks the end of my insomnia-filled nights.

I am Jane in the dark

I am sitting in the dark again. Literally and Metaphorically speaking. How odd that the amount of my problems is inversely proportional to the number of friends I have surrounding me. I only need one friend. And one pillar. As I'm sitting here alone, I realise I don't have either, only a blog.


I am PATHETIC.

I don't understand the cheek some people have. And why aren't they the once having a hard time? Why must it be me?

This is Jane's good bye

I'm shutting all of you out. For good. The cherry was finally plopped onto the icing today. The last straw dropped onto the camel's back. You get my drift. This world is too cruel for my liking. I cannot change it. And I cannot bear with it. So I have started the clock on my now-ticking time bomb. I'm saying this in general. I shall not talk about my feelings, my day, my bad luck to anyone, ever again. And if I blow... remember that it is all your fault.

I don't want to subject myself to any of your opinions anymore. I really don't fucking care.


Have a fucking day!

I am Jane the heartless bitch

That's right. You read correctly. I don't know how long this entry is going to be, but I've been meaning to write this for quite some time now. I'm currently at the CC waiting for the beau and his friends to finish playing left4dead. Perhaps it is fated that I must write this down. So here goes:

I'm trying as hard as I can to not make it sound as if my life is miserable right now, because I don't believe in empathy. But who knows. If you think I'm whining, please click the red box with an "X" in it on the top right corner of your screen. Don't try to call me to ask me how I am. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready to face the world, yet. I've been kicked so hard, that I'm being forced to make drastic changes at a pace much faster than I would have expected. May be everything is happening because this chapter in my life is closing, soon. I'm excited to start the new chapter, because it would be everything I've ever talked about. It will determine who I'll be, and whether or not I will be able to achieve my dreams. And the things happening now are meant to prepare me for the next challenge.

In the past three months, my life has been a constant roller coaster, the longest roller coaster that I've ever been on. With lots of ups, and definitely multiplied amounts of downs. I tried not to complain, I tried to take everyday as it comes hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. But it never did get better, if not worse. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know why my luck has been so bad lately. I wanted to blog about it, but I realised that nobody would understand anyway. So I'm not going to bother.

The emotions I've felt,
The expressions I've seen,
The attitudes I've had to choke up,
The body languages I've had to decipher.

I'm so tired.
And constantly I've been looking for a POSITIVE genuine true friend. But I've yet to find that person. We all turn ugly at times. I've tried to keep my cool. But there were times when I've really screamed my lungs out during this period. Which is why I am afraid.

I've never screamed at a person, let alone to face to face. The worst I'd do would be to show you sarcasm in its truest form, so hurtful you'd resent me for the rest of your life. But I've failed this time around. I have no idea how many people I've screamed at. And I've no idea how many people have had to eat my sarcasm. And of course this includes the beau who still has no idea what's wrong with me. Heck, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just last year, I thought I knew myself. I thought that I had found this person that I'm happy to be, and that I'd be happy for quite some time before things changed, ideally, when I reach middle age. But no, at the brink of my last teenage year, I am struck once again with this whole crappy episode that I'm not willing to endure, especially during this time. I wouldn't be in so much trouble if it had been any semester except this. I already have such a heavy load that there's just no space for anything else. I've sacrificed so many things, all in the name of my FUTURE, of which is not even here yet, and not feasible.

And here I am trying to figure myself out once again. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming.
I'm glad that I'm maturing, but I'm scared of turning boring.
I'm glad that I'm graduating, but I'm scared of having to earn a living.
I'm glad that I'm becoming stronger, but I'm scared that I'd be detached from my emotions.

I want to be emotional. I want to be attached to my feelings. I want to feel every cut, every bleed, every pinch, every joy, every touch. But in becoming stronger, I know that I'm becoming numb. I don't want to age before my time. I want to be wise, but I don't want it to show on my face.

My body is failing me, undoubtedly. And people keep asking me why I keep on getting sick. One day, I felt so sick that I just felt like crawling to the doctor's to moan and groan about my pains, but I realised that I didn't know what to tell the doctor when I faced him. And that is when I realised that all this is just psychosomatic. Really typical signs. And my bruxism has gotten so bad, my teeth hurt during the day, when I'm not even chewing.

Please shed some light on to me. I don't know where to head, I don't know what to do. I don't understand why it must be now of all times. The beau says that I have the tendency to become an over-achiever, a spinster who will spend the rest of her days lonely, grumpy and self-righteous. We all know people like that. And we hate most of them (except a handful who are so nice, you won't even believe they're that old, of course). I don't want to become someone like that. I want a full life. I don't want to be self-righteous because I currently have to deal with a couple who is like that, and it sucks. Especially when you're trying so hard to act when it's so obvious you're such a BAD actor (SUCK IT!) Urgh! I'm so tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep since forever. And it's catching up on me. I feel so tired, and detached from the world, I didn't even realise that I have only one month more until my exams. And I don't even know how to deal with that yet. This whole episode is sucking the life forces out of me.

This entry is entitled so, because I'm going to be a bitch starting now. I'm going to start living for myself, not for others. I'm not going to pretend I like you just because I have to. I'm not going to listen to you when all you do is put in negative comments that only demotivate me (what kind of friend is that?), and I'm not going to bother about you who only calls me when you need my help. And I most definitely am not going to talk to you the hypocrite. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with all these crap. And I woke up one day and realised that I've been so stupid to let you walk all over me and influence my decisions. Jane will be Jane, and if you don't like me, please leave. I don't need you to change me. I change myself because I want to improve, not because I want to please you. I'm not going to live to please anyone, anymore. I'm not saying this to anyone specifically, yet, but if you think you've been any of the above to me, well thank you for being in my life and stepping all over me, because if it weren't for you, my working life would suck even worse. My life does not revolve around you, and I did not write this post with the intention of directing it to you. I wrote this because it is my self-actualisation, not yours. Good for you if you have nice friends who will wait on your every whim and fancy. Good for you if you have friends to talk to about who slept with who and who cheated. Good for you if you have someone to cry to. As for me, I need to rethink about who my real friends are, and I need to look for new ones to broaden my horizon. I'm not totally cutting everyone off, just those who've stepped on me enough for me to feel like dirt. I really can't be bothered. I really can't. There are days when I just wished I could row a boat into the middle of the ocean and settle on some random island.

I'm sorry I can't make you understand my level of stress, but I'm at the age where people my age are not supposed to go through things that I'm going through, and the causes of my sky-rocketing stress levels is due to things that shouldn't be happening to people my age. I'm stuck. No "Not a girl, not yet a woman" nonsense for me. I'm just stuck.

I realise that I'm not strong. I fall down easily. I'm emotional. And I let myself drown in my own emotions. Because I like to. Because I know one day, I will wake up, and realise that that time is over, and I will be a whole better person. That's me. I rise up much faster than I can fall down.

All my life, I've absorbed everything into myself, trying hard to only put my feelings into words. For the past three months, the bottle I've been keeping my emotions in has overflowed umpteen times. I need a bigger bottle. I wasn't even given the chance to have a reboot session. Everytime I took my own leave, problems never cease to pop up in the middle of my break. And so, I am now overworked, overwhelmed, and super stressed. Good night. Depending on what will follow, I might close the blog to only my close friends. Depends.

I'm in need of a real good catharsis. But no one would let me have one. My alcohol inventory is depleted, shopping therapy doesn't work, screaming doesn't work, focusing on studies doesn't work, talking doesn't work, and binge eating doesn't work. I think I need to go bungee jumping or something. And if I ever were to commit suicide, I'd jump of a really tall building. Why? At least I'd feel liberated during that few seconds before I hit the ground, once to break all the bones in my body, and twice to kill me.

I am Jane Learning

I have no idea what drove me into this state of depression, but I know for sure that I don't want to continue being depressed. I dread waking up, and I wished that there were more hours in a day for me to sleep, but life goes on, regardless of whether or not I want to go on. Time is running out for me. I never had much of it to begin with, but the work load keeps piling up. And so, if no one will help me, I have to help myself. If no one will understand me, I must understand myself. And if I can't, I shall just pretend that I do.

Strange enough, I felt kind of relieved the past two days that I've been moaning and groaning about how unfair everything is. It's as if complaining about life makes me happy. Well, at least I know I wasn't lying to myself, pretending that everything was okay, and perhaps that's why I felt relieved. Who said being sad was sad? Being sad kind of made me a little bit...relieved? Why bother pretending that everything is okay when it's so obviously not?

And since now I'm in the gutter, and no one is offering a lending hand (rather, they're all just turning around and pretending not to see), I shall pick myself up. Even if it's a monsoon drain, I will climb up. I refuse to let myself be a victim of other people's flaws. To hell with all the stereotypical motivational talks! They're only teaching you to lie to yourself, and that is never healthy. I should know. And so, I will take control of my life. I will be my own master, I will not bow down anymore, and I will rise to wherever I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to be somebody, I just haven't figured out who.

I am Jane down the gutter

Notice the progression of my blog titles, from emotional high right down to miserable douche bag. Most of the time, I psyche myself into believing I'm happy. Most of the time, when I really am not happy, I put on a happy face, and I live in denial pretending to be happy. And then there are days when the dam is full and I break down. I have no reason to believe in humanity anymore. I don't know why I bother being a good person when those who are evil triumph above me. I have reached the point where I know that personal values are more important than rigid man-written principles. But there are people who don't respect my wishes.

I don't know why I bother being nice, when no one bothers when I'm being nice, but bother when I'm not. I don't know why I bother obliging and offering assistance, when I know nobody will do the same for me. I don't know why I bother being the type of friend that nobody will bother being to me. And I know that this is not a 100% hit, but it is at least 90% including those I give the benefit of doubt to.

I refrain from saying I hate my life, because people always tell me that things will get better. I wake up everyday, looking forward for that day. But there are days I wake up, and realise that things are still the same as they were, the day I decided to wait for things to get better. Here I am trying to be at peace with at least myself, but the external factors will never leave me alone. Although I know I cannot live on an island, I sure wish I could.

My mentors and peers tell me that I have the potential. That I have something inside me that can spur me to greater heights, something that is capable of giving me that edge. But they all tell me that, and leave me to figure it out for myself. Throughout my whole formal education, even until now they tell me that. But they never reveal to me what it is, let alone nurture me in the right direction, or even at least put me on the right track. I'm always left to figure things out on my own. Most of the time I do, but until today, I really have no idea what I'm fully capable of.

I know I'm changing, that I'm growing, that I'm maturing. I know that I have to, and I'm glad that I am. But I just know that I can do all that much faster, if I had someone to look up to. Someone that will not let me down. I know that people come and go, but in my life, they do it too frequently, leaving me with all these questions unanswered.

My life has been full-steam ahead. I don't regret any of it, and I don't regret the pace I'm going at. The beau tells me that I should wait until it's my turn, for things to happen when they should. If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Sze Wei asked me a question that I've long put at the back of my head. Am I happy doing what I am right now? At the beginning I never thought I'd like being an accountant, but as I progressed, I realised that accounting is not all about balancing figures, debiting and crediting entries. There are certain aspects of accounting that I like. But I also realise that I like certain aspects of everything, and that I'm good at it. For instance, I love sketching, but I hate colouring (perhaps it is a metaphor as to how I view life, all white and grey), I love physics, but I hate biology and chemistry (and Jo Ann can never understand how I get the concepts so easily), I love playing the piano, but I hate scales, and I love dancing, but I hate choreography (because I can't remember the steps). These are the little conversations I get that remind me that I am not even close to where I want to be.

I think Mr Choong Chee Kheong (aka Mabel's superior) is an insightful man. I've only met him a few times, but I remember his words while we were at lunch until today. Most of the time, we do things we don't like to please people we don't like. I don't know why we bother, but I do know that I try my level best to not bother about people like this. He also said that the smartest person, is the person who isn't arrogant about his intelligence, but is a fool in the eyes of others. It took me a long while to digest that one, but I realise that I finally understand the concept of it, heart and soul. And it is different how people treat you when they think that you're a dodo-bird - you actually see their true colours. Even better still, because they think you're the dodo-bird they don't know that they're the bigger dodo-bird themselves.

Early February, I made another informal resolution. That is to rid myself of all the negative energy and vibes surrounding me. This includes getting rid of the people that not only don't contribute to my well-being positively, but stunt growth as well. I haven't figured out how, and I haven't figured out who, but let's just say that one man's meat is another man's poison. One man's friend is another man's enemy? Why should I bother wasting my time and effort, and my emotions on people who make me feel down, demotivated, degraded, depresses, angry, annoyed. If they were my friend, they'd meant for me to be well, but these people just obviously don't. So why bother?

And then there are those who step all over me, use me in and out, and keep me back in the closet till my service is needed again. Don't even get me started on them. I can't be bothered anymore. I know I will say this, and then I will forget it after a while, and then I'll be the same again, and then I'll get treated the same way again. I just wished I'd learn my lesson hard and good. So I won't waste my time feeling like this again. Why bother?

I don't know why I bother being humble when people take advantage of me. I don't know why I bother being obliging when nobody is obliged to me. I don't know why I bother blogging and I don't know why people actually read when they all think "here she goes exagerating again". I know I tend to exagerate at times, but trust me when I say that this is way mellowed down that what is going on in my life. I am not consciously gothic, but I do have the characteristics of one. I don't choose to be gothic because it's cool or because I want to join a cult, I just so happen to fit their recognition criterias, but refuse to be categorized as one of them. Maybe I should buy more eyeliner. Perhaps.

Maybe I've chosen the right career, they all say auditors have to work their asses off, which means that they have no time for socializing, and so when it comes to their work, there will be no threat on their independence. Maybe I should start being a workaholic like my boss, she just sits and stares in front of the PC the whole day earning money. The minimum contact did us good, and I was happy. So yes, just maybe.


disclaimer: read at own risk. Apparently I have the capability of making the readers of my blog as miserable as I am. I warned you. Scenarios stated above are not of 100% consistency, but make up for at least 90% of my life. I don't know why I bothered writing this down.