I am Jane in love

I am in love again.

He's sweet

He doesn't say much, heck he doesn't say anything

He's there when I need him

He gives me the right dose of frustration

I have to pick up after him

Feed him

At times he has his mood swings and PMS-es

He dirties the place

Steals my food

Looks at me with his pathetic adorable big sparkly eyes

Gives me hugs and kisses

Kisses my wounds

Kisses his own wounds

Lets me scream and shout at him

Lends me both shoulders to cry on

He's hairy

Fuzzy

With a goatee and a moustache

Begs me to play with him

Irritates me when I'm just about to sleep

Snuggles beside me just because he can

Feels the need to attach his body to mine as if he's an extension

Wakes me up by licking me all over

Never lets me leave his sight

Moans and groans and shows his temper when I'm about to go out without him

Loves car rides

Calms me down when I'm scared (especially when I'm lost in the middle of no where!)

Tries his luck when he thinks I'm in a good mood, only to get rejected every single time

Makes me laugh when he thinks I'm super stressed out by doing silly things

Tries to protect me even though he really can't (Aww!!)

He's as OCD as I am (perhaps even worse)

He's won my parents' hearts

He's handsome, tall for his kind, dark in certain spots, adorable, hairy, fuzzy, just the way I like them..

He struggled through the great sea of my quilt just to snuggle beside me

And then he made his way down to my foot and rest his little fuzzy head on it and refuses to budge no matter how much I move..

I love him dearly and I don't know how I'm going to leave with him not sleeping by my side (I really don't know how Sunil did it)

He's not mine, but I love him from the very depths of my heart as if he is my own

He brings me pain, but makes up for it with thrice the amount of joy he brings to me

I don't care what others think of him

No matter how paranoid and hyperactive he is...

And most importantly, he loves me back dearly...

He makes me feel as if I'm the most important person in the world..

Despite having more insecurities than anyone..

So much, that I forget that I have to give him back..

And that hurts me the most..

Kaiser puppy, if I ever get a dog, I want him to be the reincarnation of you. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you just the way you are.

You are MY summer fling..one that will always be remembered..

I am Jane, claustrophobic

Sunil left today (this is a delayed post), the fact hasn't sunk in yet, but I do know that Kaiser is impossible to be angry at! But I do know that he will be a good training for whoever who will make me happier later on. I miss talking to Sunil, but then again, it is undeniable that we did grow a bit apart when he was here. Maybe absence will make the heart fonder, hopefully return every thing to normal.

I'm feeling so trapped right now, and I have no idea why. Have some planning to do, but then again, all of this is up to God. You don't hear me saying that often, but I have my own opinions about God. It may not agree with everybody else's but I'm comfortable in knowing that my believes have not made me a bad person. I'm so suffocated I can't even hear myself talk and I definitely want to be alone.

I can't even vent out my frustrations here =(.

I just hope this laid back semester continues like this. Please let me pass all my three papers. :(
I may seem as if I have all the guts in the world, but I do have a few phobias, including needles, and claustrophobia. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in a new place, just like I wanted, but every night it takes forever for me to sleep, imagining the walls closing on me. I'm a horrible person I know. I really shouldn't be complaining. It is still a blessing in disguise, because now I'll think of getting to where I want even more, in a faster way.

For once, Jane wishes she was at home, or rather, had her own home. And I am still car-less!

I am Jane, Low Behold

Do you know what happens when you feel down? I'm not talking about rage here. I'm talking about disappointment, sadness, disbelief.
You feel numb to the world, it's as if your instincts are trying to protect you from getting hurt further.
You don't know what is spinning around you.
You honestly don't really care.
Your heart rate slows down significantly.
It feels as if it's threatening to stop any minute now if you don't pay attention.
You feel it pulsating against your rib cage, through your bones, through the tissue, through your skin, all the way to the outermost layer of your being.
You feel as if it radiates this moody aura around you.
Perhaps only animals will be able to sense it.
But it is possible to hide it from other human beings.
You feel so numb to the outside world, yet so cautious about your own self.
All you want to do, is to curl up somewhere,
in bed, in a corner.
In the dark.
Absorbing in the ambience, and all the darkness that surrounds you.
Hoping that you'd forget this feeling before it subsumes you.

Jane is feeling ridiculous. But she's definitely feeling herself. Sense that big changes are coming, decided for the betterment of two parties, good or bad, only time will tell.

I am Jane's second experience in the same year

Earlier this year, I decided to play hero and drive in KL to fetch my friend with a rented car. Everything started well, until I was directed to make a wrong turn, after which I started panicking and everything went downhill (literally) from there..I couldn't even bloody balance the car on the slope! Which was my worst weakness. Somewhere along the line, I met with a minor accident (I blame all this on MT3) when I accidentally 'kissed' a stationary car while parking because I forgot to switch to a lower gear. You know the funny thing is, that I didn't feel fear at that point.

Today, Sam and I went to meet Sunil and Auntie for Transformers since Sunil has been dying to try out the new platinum seats in Cineleisure. Sam was running late, and so we made it to Damansara from Sunway in about 15 minutes. On the way home, everything was going fine, except that it was raining, I don't know how, but I thought that Sam was in control, and that he was purposely doing it (because on the way there, he did a lot of squeezing just to get ahead of other cars) when his car skidded and hit the divider. I didn't exactly see my life flashing before me, all I know was the only thing going through my mind was "OHMIGOD, THERE'S A DIVIDER RIGHT IN FRONT AND WE'RE HEADING RIGHT INTO IT!". But fortunately, Sam's piloting skills came into handy and amazingly, the only thing that got dented was his right wheel (I don't know all the mechanic-y stuff) and his bumper only had a single scratch. I don't know. I guess I should be thankful. But the things that are going through my mind are:

1. How is it that I do not have a sense of fear of death?
2. How much guts do I have?
3. What is going to happen when I become the driver?
4. Should I even start driving?
5. My dad's fortune teller told me last year that I had such tendencies, why has it overflowed into this year? Is it just a coincidence? It's not like I thought about it. And I definitely did not wish for it to happen.
   
6. I'm supposed to be a very paranoid person. How is it that I trust my driver friends so much and how is it that I'm not the least afraid at the speed they are going?
7. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I NEED TO DRIVE?

On another note, we've been trying out this new experiment since Friday. I've come to a lot of revelation, even when it comes to the counterparty and all those around us. It's refreshing and definitely an eye opener. But what if it comes real? What will my real emotions be like? I don't even think I can handle it, and I definitely do not wish that it will ever happen..

Jane is feeling confused if she has human emotions. The confusing part is how she lacks some of the crucial ones, and have abundant of the rest..

p/s: Last Saturday, Mr Adel Ishak introduced me to Absinthe..have you ever seen lights zooming pass like how they appear in photos when you adjust your camera to a slower shutter speed? Please don't judge, I believe in trying out everything in life at least once, but not on a regular basis, and definitely not to the point of addiction.

I am Jane, very lost

I've been staring at my mum for too long. All the growing up has suddenly taken MANY steps backwards and I now feel like a kid again, more precisely, like when I was in school, and when my mum used to fuss over everything I did and intervene in every way she can.

I just got back from Redang. I loved it there. If I had a choice, I'd spend the rest of my days there. Not that I don't enjoy the hustle of the city and the excitement it has to offer, but life on the beach is so laid back, so peaceful, so... I-don't-give-a-damn and I don't have to worry about people hurting me or even having to watch my back. The few days I spent there, it was the people there were NICER..friendlier, somewhat kinder and less dangerous.

Oh, if I had went alone, or with friends, it would have been the perfect get-away, but unfortunately, this whole thing was my mum's idea, and a holiday with my mum is like no holiday at all. It's like your prison warden taking out to do community service, it doesn't even feel like you're on patrol. I'm forced to wake up when she wakes up (which is always very far off whenever I'm supposed to wake up *diversion: I HATE THAT!! My mum tells me I have to get up at 8 am for this and that, so I'd set my alarm at 8am, but being her, she just has to ruin the fun out of everything, wake up at 7am, and wake ME up as well..grrrr), I'm forced to go on walks when all I want to do is lie down somewhere, I'm forced to go swimming when I hate the pool, I'm forced to eat when I'm not hungry, I get scolded when I actually get hungry, I have to follow a SCHEDULE (which I HATE), the list goes on. Holiday with mum = CHORE. I don't even look forward to it. And to add to the list, I'm not even actually allowed to go on holidays with friends!! CAN YOU PLEASE EMPATHIZE WITH HOW PATHETIC MY LIFE IS? I don't want to go there and ruin my mood.

After a fierce battle, I presumptively won my independence from her, but no, she's now being a sore loser, everything I want to do, it's always : you pay for yourself, you do it yourself, you find out yourself, you go yourself. Well then, when I do DO everything MYSELF, I get scolded for not consulting her.. HELP ME..

Anyways, this holidays is slowly slipping away, I'm not even cherishing every moment I have. Perhaps it's because I know that my real holiday is coming soon. I'm not even sure of what's going to happen in the next two months. I thought I had it figured out, I thought it'd all go smoothly, but now, everything is

My holiday was not all that bad, everytime I had the chance to, I'd slip away from the crowd, grab a book, my sunnies and my trusty pareo, lie on the sand, soak up the rays, and forget she even exists. That's how I like life now, in my own world. In the next one month, I plan to go there again, this time, alone, or with people I like, who won't push me to do things when I don't want to. But money is the missing link. Oh, how I wish I could go back right now..

There was only one original paragraph I had in mind today:

There are people who come and go in your life,
There are people who come and stay,
there are people who appear when you need help the most, and vanish after that,
there are people whom you wish would have stayed longer, but didn't
there are those who have made an impact on you, but not vice versa,
there are those whom you know aren't good for you, but will take you years to realise
there are those who seem as if they are, but they aren't
there are those whom you've met briefly, but there's this lingering feeling that there's more to them, then what meets the eye..
you'll hope you'll meet them again
you'll hope they'd remember you when you do,
you'll hope you'd know that person better,
and you'll definitely grab the opportunity when it ceases..
but sometimes you get disappointed,
sometimes it turns into something else,

Now, the question is, do you believe in fate?


Jane is dreaming but not on cloud nine, she's somewhere lost in between this serene feeling that results from this childish naive hope. The same hope she had when she was in high school. I hope when I read this again next time, I remember this same feeling...there's a 70% chance that the same thing will happen again, but there's till another 30% that says that it's different..

I am Jane swinging from mood to mood

Oh, I'd hate to be my own beau. My mood swings are horrible, I know! But what's a girl got to do about it? I think I secretly enjoy having mood swings, although I really don't have the luxury of doing so (seeing that I am insignificant to most people, I hate that! But I've learnt to live with it). Oh, I'll leave that whiny story for another day (it involves some kiasu bitches and bastards from my class).

But on a serious note, what does go into the making of a successful woman?
Her stone-cold heartedness?
Her cut-throat bitchiness?
Her ability to manipulate people?
Her ability to maintain two faces (something I really suck at. If I don't like you, I make sure you know it. But I ain't fucking retarded and low enough to smile at you when I need something, I avoid you at all cost)?
Her ability to flash a smile and have people swoon at her feet waiting to take orders?
Her slutiness and ability to sleep all the way to the top?
Her selective hearing?
Her ability at shoe polishing?
WHAT?

It's killing me. If you have the answer, please share with me. I want to be successful, but the more I want it, the more I see myself as a cut-throat bitch. I will never succumb to sleeping my way to the top, NEVER. But bitchiness? I learnt that a long time ago. I thank you and everyone else for it. Yea, I'm being a bitch about it, bite me. So what does it take to be a successful woman? Saint Teresa, or successful corporate bitch? It seems impossible to incorporate the two into one. And I, for one, am a strong protestor against hypocracy.

Hey bitch (no one here in particular, just that one person I had to force a smile out to today), I may be emotional and irritated by your tiny stupid antics, but know that at least I'm the better person.

So yes, after a very horrible and dreadful day in class (I kept myself as far away as possible from these bitches and bastards, but no, they wouldn't leave me alone), I came home feeling like crap (heck I know I shouldn't let them make me feel that way, but I think at least I know how to FEEL, unlike them who smile and go "hello, darling, muah muah, how have you been? I was just at the Park Royal sipping tea with the minister and his wife. Oh, what a wonderful afternoon it was." *shudders..). Nikki, my niece was online, and for the first time, we spoke over facebook, she of course, asking me how I was and everything. Now THAT's a woman who knows how to twirl you around your finger. And me being me, I vented out 10 hours worth of frustration, although it didn't feel very well because she doesn't know me personally. Well, I did go downstairs to vent at Sasha who wasn't home, so Bhavini was next in line.

People always comfort me, saying that the only reason why they're doing this is because they're jealous of my achievements. I know that, but can't there be any other reasons? I mean, yes, I think I have tried that over and over again in my head, "I'm younger, I don't work as hard, but at least I have a life. I have friends who love me (maybe..I hope so..shut up, I'm not over it yet)". I know for a fact that I can lie to myself very well. So well that sometimes reality slips pass me. I am a fantasy girl. I live in my own world where it's cozier and less hostile. I live in bliss there in a white dress with a headdress of flowers running through the fields of daisies when I feel it, and sitting on the window parlour, sipping a hot cup of coffee staring out into a winter wonderland on other days (how wonderful, I get to wake up to a different season everyday depending on my mood). not very Asian, but I do get my fantasies from books. Oh, what a gift imagination is. At least I don't need to get high to imagine. How I wish..Oh, how I wish I can be transported to my dreamland forever and ever. Some how, Bhavini and Amrita seem like my soul mates, if only time would permit us to get to know one another better. I mean, these people are like the very extremes of me, impulsive, coffee-lovers, we study, but we know when to take a break, procrastinators, temperamental, mood swingers, did I mention OCD-ists, perfectionists and CONTROL FREAKS? lolz!! We just know what we want, is that wrong?

Anyway, I fell alseep watching another very disturbing episode of SouthPark, with the earphones still plugged in, and so I had this very horrible dream, what with the on-going Perak political situation going on. Urgh, I just hope it will NEVER happen. Someone actually had to set himself on fire before he was allowed to leave the state assembly hall!

But I woke up, (still feeling shitty), came across a really great song by Mariah Carrey (I don't know why, I've always liked her songs, but I've never considered any of them my favourites) and it just reminded me of how great it feels to be loved (do you still love me, beau? after all the frustration I caused (and am still causing) you? Art is a big part of my life, see how it takes me from one mood to another. Now tell me, am I in the wrong course? Good night people. Tomorrow is the last of my revision classes and the end of this hell of a semester. I will be going on a hiatus for about less than a month, see you when I feel like it. I'm feeling extremely lazy, something I can't afford to do. Wish me luck! Lots of love, since I'm feeling like it.


Mood: Swings from time to time, but currently in L.O.V.E., probably an illusion due to the song that's stuck in my head, but nevertheless, still in dreaming :p

Good night

I am Jane's Obligatory Post

Twenty years ago, I was born on this very date. I still stick by my previous year's resolution to refuse to make a big fuss over a small date. Other dates, maybe. But not this one. Maybe I was hoping that if I'd stop counting down towards it, it'd be less sucky. Well, it's a good thing that I placed no importance on it, because today went possibly quite wrong.

First, my spa getaway was put to a stop by the very fact that I am not of age (what a lame excuse).
Secondly I had to see the faces of two people that I currently despise very much due to their very existence on this planet.
Thirdly I had to sit in the LRT for two hours idling my time away when I could really hear the clock ticking on me.
Fourth my nose has been bleeding and I have no idea why, and I feel faint.
Fifth I cut my finger on a plastic tupperware (grr...plastic cuts..)
Sixth I'm craving for a good cup of coffee but there is none in sight
Seventh my roommate accidentally broke the cup that Prema and I took from Qbar when I got her super drunk

Yes, I know I should be counting my blessings. At least on this birthday, I'm not crying. Probably because I made a point to be alone and not make a big fuss over not being seen. And so I shall recall 20 blessings. At the age of 20:

1. I will have a degree to my name
2. I will have a professional cert to my name
3. I have a freelance job that I love and a job that I'm looking forward to exploring
4. I am completely comfortable with being by myself, alone. Perfectly contented.
5. I have a belly piercing to mark several significant events.
6. I'm finally glad to have hair cuts (I used to get cranky whenever my mum forced me to cut my hair because people would laugh at me the next day and I felt as if the hair dresser cut off parts of my brains because my head felt so light after it).
7. The number of friends I have has dropped drastically, with reclassification of many to the "acquaintances" category, but I'm perfectly contented in knowing that I was brave enough to stop myself from being false.
8. I've been in a relationship for more than two years, something I've never done before
9. I learn to stop bitching about my mum because the things she does are becoming more and more irrational, nonsensical and absurd. (does that count as bitching?) And I see how I will never be able to escape her until I make a point to do so.
   
10. I've made friends with someone whom everyone deems as superficial, and got her to get in touch with her emotions.
11. I've decided that dogs make better companions than humans and taking care of Kaiser puppy for 3 months will leave a big hole in my heart when he leaves.
12. I've learnt that I need to get a hold of myself before I can get a hold of my life
13. I've learnt not to let other people dictate my life and not be bothered by what they think
14. I've finally faced the fact that there are people who pretend to be nice to be just so they can squeeze me dry
15. I've learnt to face the fact that I have to stop lingering around people who inject negativity into my life because it just makes me miserable and I do not deserve to be miserable
16. On the contrary, I've learnt that I am incapable of being perfectly contented and therefore I shall take each day as it comes
17. I've learnt to pave my own way and not follow the foot steps of others
18. I've learnt not to believe in something just because people tell me it's real, but because I choose to do so in my very own way
19. I've learnt to quiet down from being the social butterfly to someone that is self-absorbed and home bound
20. I know that no matter how much I hate being me, there's no one else I'd rather be.

But then again, that was not really the day I was born. Today is. We'll see how it goes.