I am Jane Learning

I have no idea what drove me into this state of depression, but I know for sure that I don't want to continue being depressed. I dread waking up, and I wished that there were more hours in a day for me to sleep, but life goes on, regardless of whether or not I want to go on. Time is running out for me. I never had much of it to begin with, but the work load keeps piling up. And so, if no one will help me, I have to help myself. If no one will understand me, I must understand myself. And if I can't, I shall just pretend that I do.

Strange enough, I felt kind of relieved the past two days that I've been moaning and groaning about how unfair everything is. It's as if complaining about life makes me happy. Well, at least I know I wasn't lying to myself, pretending that everything was okay, and perhaps that's why I felt relieved. Who said being sad was sad? Being sad kind of made me a little bit...relieved? Why bother pretending that everything is okay when it's so obviously not?

And since now I'm in the gutter, and no one is offering a lending hand (rather, they're all just turning around and pretending not to see), I shall pick myself up. Even if it's a monsoon drain, I will climb up. I refuse to let myself be a victim of other people's flaws. To hell with all the stereotypical motivational talks! They're only teaching you to lie to yourself, and that is never healthy. I should know. And so, I will take control of my life. I will be my own master, I will not bow down anymore, and I will rise to wherever I'm supposed to be. I know I'm supposed to be somebody, I just haven't figured out who.

I am Jane down the gutter

Notice the progression of my blog titles, from emotional high right down to miserable douche bag. Most of the time, I psyche myself into believing I'm happy. Most of the time, when I really am not happy, I put on a happy face, and I live in denial pretending to be happy. And then there are days when the dam is full and I break down. I have no reason to believe in humanity anymore. I don't know why I bother being a good person when those who are evil triumph above me. I have reached the point where I know that personal values are more important than rigid man-written principles. But there are people who don't respect my wishes.

I don't know why I bother being nice, when no one bothers when I'm being nice, but bother when I'm not. I don't know why I bother obliging and offering assistance, when I know nobody will do the same for me. I don't know why I bother being the type of friend that nobody will bother being to me. And I know that this is not a 100% hit, but it is at least 90% including those I give the benefit of doubt to.

I refrain from saying I hate my life, because people always tell me that things will get better. I wake up everyday, looking forward for that day. But there are days I wake up, and realise that things are still the same as they were, the day I decided to wait for things to get better. Here I am trying to be at peace with at least myself, but the external factors will never leave me alone. Although I know I cannot live on an island, I sure wish I could.

My mentors and peers tell me that I have the potential. That I have something inside me that can spur me to greater heights, something that is capable of giving me that edge. But they all tell me that, and leave me to figure it out for myself. Throughout my whole formal education, even until now they tell me that. But they never reveal to me what it is, let alone nurture me in the right direction, or even at least put me on the right track. I'm always left to figure things out on my own. Most of the time I do, but until today, I really have no idea what I'm fully capable of.

I know I'm changing, that I'm growing, that I'm maturing. I know that I have to, and I'm glad that I am. But I just know that I can do all that much faster, if I had someone to look up to. Someone that will not let me down. I know that people come and go, but in my life, they do it too frequently, leaving me with all these questions unanswered.

My life has been full-steam ahead. I don't regret any of it, and I don't regret the pace I'm going at. The beau tells me that I should wait until it's my turn, for things to happen when they should. If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Sze Wei asked me a question that I've long put at the back of my head. Am I happy doing what I am right now? At the beginning I never thought I'd like being an accountant, but as I progressed, I realised that accounting is not all about balancing figures, debiting and crediting entries. There are certain aspects of accounting that I like. But I also realise that I like certain aspects of everything, and that I'm good at it. For instance, I love sketching, but I hate colouring (perhaps it is a metaphor as to how I view life, all white and grey), I love physics, but I hate biology and chemistry (and Jo Ann can never understand how I get the concepts so easily), I love playing the piano, but I hate scales, and I love dancing, but I hate choreography (because I can't remember the steps). These are the little conversations I get that remind me that I am not even close to where I want to be.

I think Mr Choong Chee Kheong (aka Mabel's superior) is an insightful man. I've only met him a few times, but I remember his words while we were at lunch until today. Most of the time, we do things we don't like to please people we don't like. I don't know why we bother, but I do know that I try my level best to not bother about people like this. He also said that the smartest person, is the person who isn't arrogant about his intelligence, but is a fool in the eyes of others. It took me a long while to digest that one, but I realise that I finally understand the concept of it, heart and soul. And it is different how people treat you when they think that you're a dodo-bird - you actually see their true colours. Even better still, because they think you're the dodo-bird they don't know that they're the bigger dodo-bird themselves.

Early February, I made another informal resolution. That is to rid myself of all the negative energy and vibes surrounding me. This includes getting rid of the people that not only don't contribute to my well-being positively, but stunt growth as well. I haven't figured out how, and I haven't figured out who, but let's just say that one man's meat is another man's poison. One man's friend is another man's enemy? Why should I bother wasting my time and effort, and my emotions on people who make me feel down, demotivated, degraded, depresses, angry, annoyed. If they were my friend, they'd meant for me to be well, but these people just obviously don't. So why bother?

And then there are those who step all over me, use me in and out, and keep me back in the closet till my service is needed again. Don't even get me started on them. I can't be bothered anymore. I know I will say this, and then I will forget it after a while, and then I'll be the same again, and then I'll get treated the same way again. I just wished I'd learn my lesson hard and good. So I won't waste my time feeling like this again. Why bother?

I don't know why I bother being humble when people take advantage of me. I don't know why I bother being obliging when nobody is obliged to me. I don't know why I bother blogging and I don't know why people actually read when they all think "here she goes exagerating again". I know I tend to exagerate at times, but trust me when I say that this is way mellowed down that what is going on in my life. I am not consciously gothic, but I do have the characteristics of one. I don't choose to be gothic because it's cool or because I want to join a cult, I just so happen to fit their recognition criterias, but refuse to be categorized as one of them. Maybe I should buy more eyeliner. Perhaps.

Maybe I've chosen the right career, they all say auditors have to work their asses off, which means that they have no time for socializing, and so when it comes to their work, there will be no threat on their independence. Maybe I should start being a workaholic like my boss, she just sits and stares in front of the PC the whole day earning money. The minimum contact did us good, and I was happy. So yes, just maybe.


disclaimer: read at own risk. Apparently I have the capability of making the readers of my blog as miserable as I am. I warned you. Scenarios stated above are not of 100% consistency, but make up for at least 90% of my life. I don't know why I bothered writing this down.

I am Jane, it rained, and then I fell from among the clouds

It was just few hours ago before I woke up that I posted the previous blog. But of course, my mum had to wake me up, and yell about how I spend my time sleeping instead of doing something else (at least I'm at home sleeping and not out doing something you don't like!!). And then she told me to register for my ACCA exams because apparently the letter reached my house.

Damn ACCA for their new regulations and shit. Apparently I can't sit for P7 without attempting P2 and P3. And I just dropped P3 a month ago!! I clearly remember asking Mr. Dinesh whether or not I can do P2 and P7 without P3 and he said YES. And I remember registering for the paper after they lost my enrolment slip and the admin allowed me to. So PLEASE tell me, how was I to know? Perhaps you can say that I should have read the ACCA guidelines or whatever before I did so, but HOW WOULD I KNOW??? There must be at least a hundred guidelines there and time is something I don't have in excess.

Really don't know what to do now. Quite reluctant to drop any of my papers, but quite reluctant to add an additional paper as well. For one, it was so hard for me to drop the paper, now I'm supposed to start all over again. On the positive side, this was my initial plan. On the other hand, I'M SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT P2!! Calamity Jane will always remain Calamity Jane, eh?

Sigh, and now I'm left with three options:

1. Do P2, P3 and P7 all together and try my luck.
2. Do P2 and P3, and drop P7
3. Do P2 only, and drop P7

The first choice would be very risky. I'm not that worried about P3 and P7 but P2 is scaring the life out of me. I know that I will have sufficient guidance for P3 and P7 from Mr Marcus and Mr Goh, but Ms Menon just scares me to death!! And I keep getting flashbacks to the semester I took F7.

The second option is almost unacceptable, since I did spend quite some time on P7 (and enjoying it), so dropping it would mean a waste of 2 months.

The third option is quite likely, seeing that I'm determined to pass P2 once and for all and NEVER enter her class again.

Oh, help me. I don't know what to do. Why am I always stuck in situations like that? I guess that's the end of my resting-on-my-laurels crap. Guess what mum said? For once, she asked me to take the big risk. Something she has NEVER asked me to do before. I'm always the one who insists on taking the big risks. MY own risks. URGH!!!

I am Jane, still floating among the clouds

Okay, I totally forgot, this song is stuck in my head. I don't fancy the voice. But the lyrics are fantastic. Who'd have thought of being the reincarnation of Juliet?



The song just makes me want to twirl around my room in my imaginary long flowy white dress with flowers in my hair. I just wished my Romeo would be there to catch me in his arms.(insert awkward silence here for my day dreaming)

You read about all these people in love stories, having their moments, and knowing right there and then that that's the love of their life, their soulmate.

For some, it is that one silent moment,

for some it's violins playing in the background after the first said "I love you",


for some, it's the spark that goes off when they first kiss,


and for some, it is that momentary future they see in each other's eyes.

For me, it's going to be that moment he twirls me and catches me back in his arms. Our bodies in line, in sync, in tune. Two hearts feeling the same beat on the same nano second. The air suddenly smells like a field of lavenders, every touch sends signals I cannot interpret up every neuron transmitter, his scent leaves this light vanilla-like taste on my taste buds, and all I see is him, staring back at me. And everything else fades away, and nothing else matters. Even time will stand still for me to savour that moment.

And that's when you know I've been reading too much of the wrong stuff (by that I mean story books that aren't examinable for ACCA 2009). By the way, the last picture was unintentional. I'm not implying anything, but that was the only good picture I got from google that wasn't someono's real wedding picture. The beau better buck up!! lolz. I just know I'm going to get bashed for saying that. But hey! I'm dropping him a big hint here. If you need me, I'll be staring into thin air, dreaming.

This is one of the rare days I just feel like smiling just because I want to. I think it's a good day for cam-whoring!

By the way, I just feel this urge to sit and draw sketch after sketch. I think I'm in the wrong department here. I definitely don't feel like debiting or crediting anything, and most certainly not consolidating any accounts!

Oh, what is wrong with me?! =D There's this stupid big grin pasted on my face for no apparent reason.

p/s: Oh shit, it's bright now, and I'm still dreaming. The vampire feels the urge to hit between the comfortable quilt now. Urgh!! I have to start on the OBU!

I am Jane in the clouds

I have no idea what has gone into me. Some may call it resting on my laurels, some may call it just taking a break. I call it flying among the clouds, running across a vast field of daisies with the wind in my hair and finally just collapsing. No, I am not high. Maybe I am, on the fact that I'm actually doing what I want, when I please. But deep down inside, I know this 'nonsense' (makes perfect sense to me, though) has to stop. Soon. Or I'm going to be stuck at the same place. Again. For one, it is that same subject again, with the same lecturer.

Apart from the occasional unavoidable expected ups and downs, life's been pretty calm. Just the way I like it. I can actually breathe now. And sigh in relief! I just hope I don't jinx it.

There's only one thing left to do, before I continue on with my life: FINISH MY OBU! Which I haven't gotten down to even start yet. The whole problem lies with my being a perfectionist, especially when it comes to stuff like this: WRITING. I don't start writing until this great big idea hits me. And that great big idea always only hits when I'm under stress. So I think I need a little bit of self-inflicted stress, just enough to give me the boost. My mum's right, I live on nervous energy. Still am. But it does me good.

Speaking of which, the mum has been pretty silent. Apart from her random boredom, and lack of communication (I think it has to do with my dad not paying attention to what she says and my brother being far away from home). And so, I'm at PEACE. I like it this way. Perhaps, MAYBE, just MAYBE she has learnt that her little girl is growing up and needs her space. PERHAPS, just maybe she has learnt to give the girl her space. And if that day comes, you can bet you'll see me running across a field of daisies!! I don't hate her, I just can't see eye to eye with her. And she only makes me angry when she interferes (or makes me bear the consequence of her own stupidity). Other than that, I'm perfectly fine with her existence.

There are days when I wake up, and see other people going to college. There are days when I wonder whether these people are going to college to study something they like, or just because they have to. There are other days when I see people studying hard, and wonder what their lives must be like, for them to be so motivated. And all these days are days when I feel at peace with myself. Days when I take the backseat, and look at the world as an outsider. And I sure love those days.

I had this lecturer, Mr John, whom everyone thought was a hottie (I did too at one point, but then he cut his hair. And then *poof!! he just wasn't hot anymore). He's the vocalist of Silent Scream. But of course, he completed his ACCA before becoming a rock star. And I wonder, when will it be my turn to chase after the rainbow of my choice?

Oh, lookie! It's 6.30 am, meaning that I've spent half of the time sleeping, and reading novels (Cecilia Ahern is ADDICTIVE!! I need more!!). I better squeeze some OBU in before my energy level drops and I fall asleep without even knowing I did. I'm in such a good mood, I might even start writing that novel I've always dreamed would become a best seller. Oh, happy days.. (please stay!! I do enjoy you very much..)

I am Jane doing it because they say I can't!!!

A picture paints a thousand words, so here's a thousand and then some:


"lookie what the electronic-mail man brought in today"

They all thought I was crazy for doing three theory-based papers together. They all thought I wouldn't pass my F8 on the first attempt, and they definitely didn't thought I'd pass my P1 because I was 'immature'. So yes, I like my thousand words. I just hope next semester will be like this. Well, I don't know understand jack-shit about whatever Ms Menon is screaming about.

On a side note, I'm feeling particularly lazy, not to mention I have no difficulty in falling a sleep any time, any where, at all! Urgh...please do my thesis for me..

I am Jane in need of more hours in a day

Bahawasanya saya, berikrar akan bertungkus lumus, sedia berkorban, dan tidak akan berputus asa untuk menyiapkan segala-gala kerja yang tergendala selewat-lewatnya hari Sabtu ini, bertarikh 21 Februari 2009. Saya berjanji tidak akan menyeleweng dan tidak akan menghabiskan masa membaca buku cerita, mengelamun serta melayan perasaan sehingga cita-cita jangka masa pendek ini tercapai.

Okay, my Bahasa Malaysia is a bit rusty, but it does make sense. And by the way, if you don't have nothing nice to say, Thumper's mum says to say nothing at all.

In BRIEF (since I'm running out of time, I shall kill two birds with one stone by doing that random stuff tag now. You can't get anymore random than this):

1. My December results will be out in approximately 6 hours, I haven't slept since then. I feel very relaxed, which is really weird. Come to think about it, I was relaxed when I was about to sit for the exam as well. Oh dear, I don't know how I should really be feeling.
2. I recently dropped one paper by ACCIDENT (maybe it was fate meddling), I just promised myself that I'd finish my OBU by this Saturday, and I'm hoping that 1+2 will equal a more stable timetable for me, which brings me to random fact no.3:
3. I hate routine, I can't stand doing the same thing everyday, at the same time, in the same way. I need variety very much. However, there's this extreme opposite side of me that feels the need to PLAN and ORGANISE everything. Maybe it's just an ACCA phase, I hope it'll go away.
4. I think I know what I want to do. My plan is a little vague, but the skeleton is there. And I shall stick to being random and totally spontaneous. It has done me lots of good (except for when it comes to classes clashing and unexpected as well as unwanted extra classes). We'll see how far this takes me, and from there on, who knows.
5. I like being alone most of the time. I'm perfectly contented with lazing around with a good read, without food, air cond blasting, drowned in a comfortable oversized old school T-shirt. But there are days when I just feel like going wild. And if you've been there with me, you'll know what is like.
6. Diane says that I can never be boring, but I do feel as if there are parts of my life that are missing, and I'm never contented with myself, parts of me that I feel I need to perfect. And that's the perfectionism speaking.
7. Valentine's Day this year was not how I thought it'd be. Well, I can't have everything I want. But I'll take what I can get and hope for a better day. (It wasn't bad or anything, it just didn't turn out the way I expected it to be). For one, the beau was supposed to cook, but of course, yours truly ended up cooking, along with few other people. At least he was sweet enough to get me flowers =). I like white flowers over every other colour. Naturally coloured over artificially coloured. Flowers with long petals over those with short petals. I'm not going to try to be 'different' by saying I don't like roses. But I do prefer white ones! (I wonder if I've ever told the beau all this). Actually, I can't really remember the name of the flower I like most now, how sad is that?
8. On the first weekend of February, Sunil got me caught on Muay Thai. It was FANTASTIC. I think I'm slightly sick in the head. I LOVED Pathalogy for its sick twisted ways and bloody scenes, but I can never stomach watching horror movies no matter how incredibly SILLY the ghost looks. Strange enough, I have no problems playing Left4Dead.
   
9. I just found out that the 8th president of the United States is Martin Van Buren. I can't help wondering if Armin Van Buuren is anyhow related to him. (You can't get anymore random than that)
10. I may become angry easily, but there are many things I'd let slip through, but there are just things that make me TICK. As I've mentioned before, injustice, manipulating my loved ones, useless guys who sit around and bitch more than those wearing skirts, rape scenes (even if it is make believe ones on the telly). I think they all rank under injustice.
11. I'm so sleepy right now, but I vowed to finish writing the articles today because I want to be disciplined again.
12. I can work both ways, I can either self-study at the last minute just to pass my exams, and I can also pick up very fast, provided the lecturer earns my respect (to do this, just cut out the crap and unnecessary screaming and I'm all yours), and remember it for life.
13. Since 2009 started, time has been passing by so quickly because I've been running around, but at the same time, it seems like it's never going to end.
14. I DO have OCD. A quality that will come very much in handy when I become an auditor (if I do choose to be one in the end), but it also means that I spend a lot of time on miniscule details. It also means that if you 'step on my tail' I will devote special attention just to make your life as miserable as I can, until I satisfy myself.
    
15. I have no charisma whatsoever. People don't listen to me. I'm better off as second in command. But I have plenty of ideas (some of them so whacky no one would accept them, which is sad because I see how they can work). I'm pretty find with it. Suits my long term goals perfectly well.
16. I don't deny the fact that I like to be spoilt like a girlie-girl, with expensive wine, bouquets, chocolates, and perfume. However, please don't expect me to act like a girl, or even think like one. I'm not a tomboy either, I'm just indifferent to the whole thing. Talk about gender equality.
17. I have more guy friends than girl friends. I just hate the bitching, except when I'm with the girls. But most of the time, I like having stupid testosterone-filled conversations. They always make me laugh.
18. Unintentionally, I'm apparently quite a pioneer in all sorts of things. Maybe that's because I like to do things the unconventional way, 'take the road less taken'. And then people figure it's do-able, and everybody does the same. Seriously!
19. I know I am a narcissist. And I think I have just the right amount to counter the part where I hate myself, or rather, the 'undeveloped' part of me.
20. My weight fluctuates, very badly. I binge when I'm stressed (still trying to control it), and am forced to eat when there's good news. So I don't know how my diet is going to work.
21. I hate gym exercises. I hate crouches, I hate sit-ups, I hate jogging. I like exercises that tone, increase flexibility, agility, and make you stretch. I've tried belly dancing (something I wish I still had the time and resources to continue), yoga (Premzy is not here to push me to go anymore), and am looking for a place with those funky big-ass Pilates machines.
22. After attending one month's worth of lectures, Sunway TES calls me up to say that I've not registered for a single paper at all. And when my mum called, they tried pushing the blame on me, of which my mum totally bought being typically her. I don't understand why they bother asking me to complain when nothing's going to be done at all. You should have seen the admin staff's face when Emily handed me the complaint form.
    
23. I do well in things that people generally don't. Physics (in a girl's school), Costing (which my friends all solemnly swear never to touch again), and corporate governance (which nobody can understand).
24. I'm still wondering how I can pick up my writing pace. I have a lot of writing to do!! And my thesis is still empty.
25. Thumper's mum (from Bambi) says that if you haven't read the above, she shall repeat it "If you ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all". And if you do, you can screw off.

On another note, I'm really praying and hoping and wishing that I'll pass all my papers. At least let me get out of the system before it comes crashing down..I've figured some things out, and I just pray that I don't have to rearrange everything again. I'm just so tired. I've had more than a few breakdowns, and every time I pick myself up, something always manages to knock me over again. I took it as a sign that there were things that I needed to change. And I think everything is in place right now. And I'm just waiting for the final piece to complete the whole picturer. Oh God, Please help me. I know I'm not the most hardworking person in my class (let alone in my group of friends), but I've been as consistent as I could this whole semester. Please PLEASE give me your blessings.


I better get back to working now. So much for random-ness. Note to self: IGNORE tags unless there's really nothing to do.