I think I just found the significance of turning twenty.
More pain, more problems, more types of problems.
I wished for my old life back, I wished I could write like I used to.
I'm getting what I wished for.
Problem-stricken life, hence the ability to write like I used to.
God, I'm asking you directly now.
I'm coming forward and asking you.
What is it that I have done so wrong that you must surround me with all these people?
What is it that I have done so wrong that I do not deserve what others have?
What is it that I didn't do to not deserve your mercy?
Why is it that I don't have a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to tell me everything's okay and really mean it?
Why must I feel all of this?
Why am I being suffocated?
Why am I not allowed to breathe?
Why do I deserve these kind of people around me?
Am I just as bad?
At the age of 20, I one day woke up and decided that although I know it will be impossible for my mum and I to see eye to eye, that I will at least try to accommodate to her.
What do I get?
Rejected, mocked, and bullied.
And of course, people trying to sabotage my every attempt, including my own mother.
Really, should I just give up and be the unwanted child?
Will that make everyone happier?
Shall I continue going against their every word
Just because I can?
Maybe I will be happier
Knowing that I am doing it to spite everyone.
And most importantly, succeeding in doing it.
I don't know how true this is, but people say that we are closer as compared to the other.
But I don't feel that way.
I know that we talk alot about the latter and it's problems
But the latter feels more comfortable talking to the other
And whenever the other asks, the latter jumps
When I ask, the latter contemplates.
How is that?
I guess it's because you're comfortable enough to know that I will always be there no matter what shit you throw at me.
That I will not blame or resent or even remember
Perhaps even not notice
Time and time again, I feel like I'm not doing myself justice
That I should just let it die
And time and time again, I let myself fall into the same trap
I am over-sensitive, over sentimental, paranoid.
All of which are a horrible combination.
And yet, I have nothing to support me.
Nothing
Nothing at all...
Name one person.
I challenge you
Only a dog that's not mine
Whose innocent mind is being brain-washed
I wish he could speak
Sometimes I wish that the people would read this and know
But I know that if they were to know
They'd get hurt
But the irony is that the blame will still be on me
Why didn't I voice my opinions out?
Why didn't I say so earlier?
Why am I such a bitch to bitch about this?
Why am I being a coward to write these all down and not confront them?
Why do I have to be over-sensitive?
Why did I accuse?
Why am I just being me?
Why?
Because you all never asked yourself how you treated me.
"It's okay, she's nobody."
"I know for a fact that she can be angry at me, but when I come crying, she will receive me with arms wide open"
Yes, God. That is what You claim You will do as well. I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I'd like a friend like me for myself.
This morning, I wasn't allowed to leave, I left with guilt, and I wasn't allowed to stay a place I can call my own.
I'm frustrated if you don't notice.
But then again, who does?
Jane is jane.
She is just Jane.
What can she do?
She will take all our shit anyway.
And how the hell am I supposed to know why she's being so sensitive?
Urgh!! Stupid bitch!
It's not like I don't know that I'm being used. I let you because I take pity on you.
Because I see how others treat you and I don't want to do the same.
But why are you doing what others are doing to you, to me?
Bleeding, aching, crying and screaming on the inside.
