I am Jane swinging from mood to mood

Oh, I'd hate to be my own beau. My mood swings are horrible, I know! But what's a girl got to do about it? I think I secretly enjoy having mood swings, although I really don't have the luxury of doing so (seeing that I am insignificant to most people, I hate that! But I've learnt to live with it). Oh, I'll leave that whiny story for another day (it involves some kiasu bitches and bastards from my class).

But on a serious note, what does go into the making of a successful woman?
Her stone-cold heartedness?
Her cut-throat bitchiness?
Her ability to manipulate people?
Her ability to maintain two faces (something I really suck at. If I don't like you, I make sure you know it. But I ain't fucking retarded and low enough to smile at you when I need something, I avoid you at all cost)?
Her ability to flash a smile and have people swoon at her feet waiting to take orders?
Her slutiness and ability to sleep all the way to the top?
Her selective hearing?
Her ability at shoe polishing?
WHAT?

It's killing me. If you have the answer, please share with me. I want to be successful, but the more I want it, the more I see myself as a cut-throat bitch. I will never succumb to sleeping my way to the top, NEVER. But bitchiness? I learnt that a long time ago. I thank you and everyone else for it. Yea, I'm being a bitch about it, bite me. So what does it take to be a successful woman? Saint Teresa, or successful corporate bitch? It seems impossible to incorporate the two into one. And I, for one, am a strong protestor against hypocracy.

Hey bitch (no one here in particular, just that one person I had to force a smile out to today), I may be emotional and irritated by your tiny stupid antics, but know that at least I'm the better person.

So yes, after a very horrible and dreadful day in class (I kept myself as far away as possible from these bitches and bastards, but no, they wouldn't leave me alone), I came home feeling like crap (heck I know I shouldn't let them make me feel that way, but I think at least I know how to FEEL, unlike them who smile and go "hello, darling, muah muah, how have you been? I was just at the Park Royal sipping tea with the minister and his wife. Oh, what a wonderful afternoon it was." *shudders..). Nikki, my niece was online, and for the first time, we spoke over facebook, she of course, asking me how I was and everything. Now THAT's a woman who knows how to twirl you around your finger. And me being me, I vented out 10 hours worth of frustration, although it didn't feel very well because she doesn't know me personally. Well, I did go downstairs to vent at Sasha who wasn't home, so Bhavini was next in line.

People always comfort me, saying that the only reason why they're doing this is because they're jealous of my achievements. I know that, but can't there be any other reasons? I mean, yes, I think I have tried that over and over again in my head, "I'm younger, I don't work as hard, but at least I have a life. I have friends who love me (maybe..I hope so..shut up, I'm not over it yet)". I know for a fact that I can lie to myself very well. So well that sometimes reality slips pass me. I am a fantasy girl. I live in my own world where it's cozier and less hostile. I live in bliss there in a white dress with a headdress of flowers running through the fields of daisies when I feel it, and sitting on the window parlour, sipping a hot cup of coffee staring out into a winter wonderland on other days (how wonderful, I get to wake up to a different season everyday depending on my mood). not very Asian, but I do get my fantasies from books. Oh, what a gift imagination is. At least I don't need to get high to imagine. How I wish..Oh, how I wish I can be transported to my dreamland forever and ever. Some how, Bhavini and Amrita seem like my soul mates, if only time would permit us to get to know one another better. I mean, these people are like the very extremes of me, impulsive, coffee-lovers, we study, but we know when to take a break, procrastinators, temperamental, mood swingers, did I mention OCD-ists, perfectionists and CONTROL FREAKS? lolz!! We just know what we want, is that wrong?

Anyway, I fell alseep watching another very disturbing episode of SouthPark, with the earphones still plugged in, and so I had this very horrible dream, what with the on-going Perak political situation going on. Urgh, I just hope it will NEVER happen. Someone actually had to set himself on fire before he was allowed to leave the state assembly hall!

But I woke up, (still feeling shitty), came across a really great song by Mariah Carrey (I don't know why, I've always liked her songs, but I've never considered any of them my favourites) and it just reminded me of how great it feels to be loved (do you still love me, beau? after all the frustration I caused (and am still causing) you? Art is a big part of my life, see how it takes me from one mood to another. Now tell me, am I in the wrong course? Good night people. Tomorrow is the last of my revision classes and the end of this hell of a semester. I will be going on a hiatus for about less than a month, see you when I feel like it. I'm feeling extremely lazy, something I can't afford to do. Wish me luck! Lots of love, since I'm feeling like it.


Mood: Swings from time to time, but currently in L.O.V.E., probably an illusion due to the song that's stuck in my head, but nevertheless, still in dreaming :p

Good night

I am Jane's Obligatory Post

Twenty years ago, I was born on this very date. I still stick by my previous year's resolution to refuse to make a big fuss over a small date. Other dates, maybe. But not this one. Maybe I was hoping that if I'd stop counting down towards it, it'd be less sucky. Well, it's a good thing that I placed no importance on it, because today went possibly quite wrong.

First, my spa getaway was put to a stop by the very fact that I am not of age (what a lame excuse).
Secondly I had to see the faces of two people that I currently despise very much due to their very existence on this planet.
Thirdly I had to sit in the LRT for two hours idling my time away when I could really hear the clock ticking on me.
Fourth my nose has been bleeding and I have no idea why, and I feel faint.
Fifth I cut my finger on a plastic tupperware (grr...plastic cuts..)
Sixth I'm craving for a good cup of coffee but there is none in sight
Seventh my roommate accidentally broke the cup that Prema and I took from Qbar when I got her super drunk

Yes, I know I should be counting my blessings. At least on this birthday, I'm not crying. Probably because I made a point to be alone and not make a big fuss over not being seen. And so I shall recall 20 blessings. At the age of 20:

1. I will have a degree to my name
2. I will have a professional cert to my name
3. I have a freelance job that I love and a job that I'm looking forward to exploring
4. I am completely comfortable with being by myself, alone. Perfectly contented.
5. I have a belly piercing to mark several significant events.
6. I'm finally glad to have hair cuts (I used to get cranky whenever my mum forced me to cut my hair because people would laugh at me the next day and I felt as if the hair dresser cut off parts of my brains because my head felt so light after it).
7. The number of friends I have has dropped drastically, with reclassification of many to the "acquaintances" category, but I'm perfectly contented in knowing that I was brave enough to stop myself from being false.
8. I've been in a relationship for more than two years, something I've never done before
9. I learn to stop bitching about my mum because the things she does are becoming more and more irrational, nonsensical and absurd. (does that count as bitching?) And I see how I will never be able to escape her until I make a point to do so.
   
10. I've made friends with someone whom everyone deems as superficial, and got her to get in touch with her emotions.
11. I've decided that dogs make better companions than humans and taking care of Kaiser puppy for 3 months will leave a big hole in my heart when he leaves.
12. I've learnt that I need to get a hold of myself before I can get a hold of my life
13. I've learnt not to let other people dictate my life and not be bothered by what they think
14. I've finally faced the fact that there are people who pretend to be nice to be just so they can squeeze me dry
15. I've learnt to face the fact that I have to stop lingering around people who inject negativity into my life because it just makes me miserable and I do not deserve to be miserable
16. On the contrary, I've learnt that I am incapable of being perfectly contented and therefore I shall take each day as it comes
17. I've learnt to pave my own way and not follow the foot steps of others
18. I've learnt not to believe in something just because people tell me it's real, but because I choose to do so in my very own way
19. I've learnt to quiet down from being the social butterfly to someone that is self-absorbed and home bound
20. I know that no matter how much I hate being me, there's no one else I'd rather be.

But then again, that was not really the day I was born. Today is. We'll see how it goes.