I am Jane out of my elements

The title of this post was supposed to be something else,
about me losing my touch.
Becoming disorganize and oblivious.

I'm not at the verge of breaking anymore..
I am already breaking.
I really can't take anything anymore.
I scream and shout,
but my voice is drowned out by everybody's.
I'm drowning, sinking..slowly dying...

Somehow, I remembered the song.
And then I realised that I was always alone...

I'm caught in a one way street, with the monsters in my head, while my hopes and dreams are far away..

I am Jane, the cause of my misery

Can't deny that I am the cause of my own misery.

I feel like crap now..

Really really crappy crap..

So bad I feel like I curling up in a corner and dying there.

I wish Kaiser was a man...

At least he's sensitive towards my feelings

Why am I feeling like this.

Once again, I rocked the boat and now I have to bear the consequences.

All of a sudden I don't feel like talking about it.

I feel like crap.

Please kill me. Do me a favour, end the cause of my misery.

I am Jane trying to keep her cool

Relax Jane, relax.
Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Breathe in,

Breathe out...

It was an accident...

OHMIGODTHEYARETRYINGTOKILLMYBABY!!!

:'(

why do things like this ONLY happen to me and my possessions??
WHY WHY WHYY!!!

I never wished I was any more dead than I am now..

God, if you're listening, I don't want to play this game anymore.

It's not fun AT ALL!!!

I am Jane's screaming wardrobe

They say you only wear 20% of whatever you have in your wardrobe. I think I only put 10% into use.

So many pretty clothes.

They still look so new and definitely never out of fashion.

I always get complemented for my taste.

Everything needs to be pleasing to the eye.

I don't know when I let myself go.

I don't know when I started becoming lazy and NOT care.

I don't know why I don't have the same determination I had before.

So many pretty clothes.

All mine.

But none I can fit into without looking into the mirror and wanting to puke.

Start today!!

Oh, wait. There's that Sushi lunch appointment with Sam, Sasha and Hasan.

Okay, right after that. No more excuses.

Think of all the good times..

I am Jane bumming around

It's official. I'm a bummer. Oh-Ammm-Gee!!

I need to stop this self-destructing habit.

I need to study if I want to leave next year.

I need to. I have no excuse.

I know I have to leave Kaiser.

It breaks my heart to.

But I have no choice.

Now if he were MY dog, that would be a different story.

But he's not. No matter how much I love him as my own he's not.

I want to go home.

Home to me is where I can be at peace.

And right now that's in my RM920 room!!

I'm currently packing to leave.
I know I promised to come visit, but I can only do so until November.

This isn't fair to me.

I think I know what's best for me.

And I know I can't study here.

Kaiser knows I'm leaving.

He doesn't like it.
I understand that.

He needs to know I love him as well.

But this is my future and my happiness at stake.

He fell asleep in the corner while I was packing.

He had a nightmare and started whimpering.

I picked him up and hugged him close.

He just let me.

I think I can guess as much what his nightmare was.

But I can't.

All these guilt trips are not meant for me.

Don't make me say nasty things.

Don't make me point out selfishness.

Ohmigod.

I just want to be myself.

By myself.

I. Want. To. Be. F.R.E.E.

I am Jane's quickie before bed

A very close friend just messaged me on MSN 10 minutes ago and we had one of those conversations that reminded me why we were close. There are days when I just want to distant myself from him, and there are even days when I feel like he and I aren't really friends anymore. Those are the days when I feel like he will not honour his promise to me. And yet, time and time again, at that very point just before I give up, he comes in with these kind of conversation to remind me exactly that. People say you can find plenty of friends who are ever willing to have fun and laugh with you. But this friend is always closer when I need to cry (or when he needs to cry) whereas when we're just talking nonsense, he and I have drifted apart over the years. It's like we're not in the same wavelength anymore. It's so weird. It's not like I'm no fun. We used to hang out every single day. We used to love each other's company. And for people like us who love our personal space, I think that's really impossible. But like I said, I outgrow people way faster than anyone else. And I can't just sit and wait for them to grow up at my own expense, I want to know everything that I'm capable of. And so, we drift apart, and I am definitely the one who grows out of the wavelength. But I'm glad we still share heart to heart conversations. People think that I am at times, immature. I can't be mature in everything, but I am definitely, out of my own league. I know it for sure, because can you imagine that this guy is three years older than I am, who is considered by everyone to be more mature for his age, but yet when we met three years ago, we were on the same wavelength, and today, I've outgrown the things he loves doing? I'm not saying I'm boring, I've just gone pass teasing and screaming like a mad woman, to a certain extent. We still hangout, but it doesn't feel anything like what we used to anymore.

This friend was feeling unusually depressed because he had just gone clubbing with his friends, and it didn't feel anything like what he used to do when he was here. The fact is, it can really never be the same, can it? If it were the same, it would be useless to go over there. He missed how he used to be able to pick up girls easily here, but there's no one there who wouldn't think that he's looking for a one night stand. Apparently he feels like a loser, so imagine how other ordinary guys feel. And now, after fooling around for more than a year in Malaysia, and almost a year of 'celibacy', he now wants a girlfriend for fun and to hug and cuddle with. When he said that, my stupid idealistic bubble just burst. And I remembered why I was in a relationship. I know I just got out of one, and I'm definitely not looking now, but one day I'm going to feel like that. And that feeling SUCKS. I know that the other person is feeling it too, but we're better off apart for both our own good. Right now, I'm pretty sure what I want my relationship status is, but what's going to happen when that feeling strikes? And it's not like there are warning signs or anything.

Why are we made this way? Adam and Eve? To complement each other, to be life partners. Why do we have this stupid urge to find our significant other, and hopefully one who will last? And when we do, we go through a honeymoon period where we try to be each other's ideal partner, only to find out that we're not when the period is over and our eyes are opened. We get stuck in routines, we get bored, we wonder what if, we fight, we make up, and then we fight some more, only to fit the stereotype of what society deems fit as a 'couple', and then we fight and we fight some more, we cry, sometimes we make up, other times it just ends. Rinse and repeat. It's not like we don't love each other when we're together, we just fall out of love sometimes. And other times, we love the person so much we don't want to ever see ourselves hating each other. Why are we so complicated? Why do we need to be in a relationship? Why do we need that stupid mushy feeling when we get cuddled? Why do we smile when we wake up to the other person's face? Why do you feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when that person hugs you? Why do you feel like no one else but you matters to him when he kisses you? And that stupid perpetual smile on your face when you're walking hand in hand in public. And then you want more.

My friend claims that he has no one who cares for him. I am a strong advocate against empathy, but I definitely know that feeling. And I know for sure that he fits no where near that category. He is blessed with so much charm that everyone instantly likes him. He of all people can afford to pick at his friends, he of all people has no right to say that no one cares for him because although there are so many who come to him just to have fun, there are people like me and two other friends who are constantly by his side no matter what. To be honest, all three of us are feeling very lost without him. I am for sure. I am VERY lost. He may not be my boyfriend, and we may have our differences, I may not mean as much as he means to me, but I am very lonely without him here. It's not like I don't have friends, it's just that he is the only constant in my life. And I don't have a lot of that. I know other people care for me as well, but sometimes, in a way that irritates me. I know that talking about him might drive other friends away, but no other person has shown me that he can be as consistent as he is. I don't know, no matter how little effort he puts inside, sometimes there are little things that he says that break through this opaque ceiling falling on me, and I see a small glimpse of light of which I'm able to use to guide me out of what ever mess I'm in. I finally missed him today, a discussion someone else was having made me realised that. It's not that I don't care about anything else, like I said, he is the only constant I have in my life. I'm considering putting a password on this but I don't know how.

Long rant. But I feel satisfied now, but I can't sleep.

I am Jane after watching BEP live!!

Something about Taboo from Black Eyed Peas draws me to him. Tall, long hair, sharp features. white pants and black singlet...MMph!!

That's the best thing about staying here. You get to see every single concert that is.

But I still want to go to a good live concert before I graduate.

And a rave party...

I am Jane, and I'm definitely human

They say to err is human, to forgive is divine.
If that's the case, then I'm definitely human, and I intend to stay human.

Call me sour, bitter young-but-seems-older-than-her-age lady.

But some of the things that people have done to me are so evil that I can't possibly imagine someone trying to tell me to forgive.

I have always been wronged.

To pay for someone else's mistakes

To swallow someone else's fault

All at the expense of my bigger-than-ever pride and ego.

And if it's bigger than what even I can take, I'd most likely have kept it to myself.

I've been reading Sixthseal.com and I've fallen absolutely in love with it.

He's made it big, but he hasn't changed his writing style unlike the other big bloggers.

I'd like to meet this guy, in person.

Not like how I met Kenny Sia (which I doubt he'd even remember 5 minutes later)

I want to intern with Nuffnang, to have a fun job before I turn boring.

I want to do something I really love.

Just read one of his posts where he confessed that he is Veritas, (another reason I want to meet him, because unlike so many other people, he doesn't care about how the substance he consumes will affect his body. Seriously, with all the radiowaves and the second hand smoke and thinning of the ozone layer? We're all doomed anyway) the drug (ab)user. Come on, we've all done something to ease our pain one way or the other. Who's to decide which is right and which is wrong? But there was one sentence that captured my thoughts right there and then. "The writing itself should have tipped you off. The writing style, formation of sentences, terminology, language quirks and favorite words should be a dead giveaway. :) It's hard to change one's writing, it's like a fingerprint." (Sixthseal.com)

I suddenly had a flashback, and I'm pretty sure most people have forgotten about it. But I haven't being the vengeful person with good memory I am.

In the year 2002, when we were all in Form 2, this friend who has been on-and-off close to me, and now seems to be permanently broken off received a 'poisonous' letter (what we called surat racun) from an anonymous writer stating her utmost hate towards the former. The former reported the case to the class teacher who then reported it to the discipline teacher who then reported it to the Afternoon Supervisor who then reported it to the HEM (Hal Ehwal Murid) teacher until it finally reached the Headmistress who somehow took the thing so seriously (of which till today I can't understand why) that she called for a full inspection of the letter, together with interrogation and witnesses.

I came into the picture because of the bombastic fantastic plastic English in which the letter was written in (or rather, type-written in to add suspense and anonymity to it), which ironically made me a prime suspect. I'm sorry but to whoever who wrote the letter, I think you were just wasting your talent away. Because I, for one wouldn't have wasted my time on such petty people (no offence to the former despite our conflicts). I don't even confront people who are close to me. But step on my tail if you're some random stranger and prepare to be beheaded.

But of course, I'm sure the suspect would have given names and it is to the Headmistress' discretion to keep it a secret, but I was called up for questioning. I didn't do it, I had nothing to fear. Me being me, living in my own world, I didn't even know such a letter existed and obviously denied everything. I didn't even have anything to do with it, let alone PEN IT DOWN.

At the end of the day, the anonymous writer was never caught, and we lived happily ever after till the end of 2005, NOT. Who are you kidding? It's a Convent school for crying out loud! We have a reputation to maintain; the backstabbing, the bitching, the gossiping, the giggling, the making-fun-of, the raping, the teasing. Can't deny that I was purely innocent and never did anything, but I would never harmed anyone till that extent. Not even till the extent of what I went through. I don't know. I don't know how others can do it, but I never did. I'd play a prank, device a plan, but never hurt someone badly (Maybe Jo Ann can prove me wrong, I don't know). Well if I did unintentionally scar you emotionally, I'm sorry.

The thing is, it was my way of writing that made me less suspicious. Because no teacher in school taught me how to write. My grammar came from my mother's meticulous character (of which I'm slowly degenerating due to the fact that I am surrounded by people who can't speak proper English and therefore can't understand proper English and so English has to be spoken in a broken way in order for them to decipher). Good English grammar is so hard to maintain, but broken English is CONTAGIOUS!! I'm not saying that I'm William Shakespeare or anything, I'm just stating a fact. My way of writing is unique to me. And every teacher knew that. Some may have done it to suck up to my mum, but it took one who genuinely knew my writing style to stand up for me, and the rest just followed on with the same argument. Fortunately, at the end of the day, the Headmistress did take things into her own hands and inspected my essay book, and found it true enough. And my name was cleared, at least for that crime.

A lot of things happened through out the years. Some that I remember clearly, some that I remember only when triggered by similar recurring events. And some, when I read that someone else has gone through the same thing. But I do know that I remember them all clearly. It just takes a matter of time to put the pieces back together. And of course, a catalyst to get things started.

You can call me a vengeful person. But I do not seek vengeance upon them, I just merely remember what they have done to me. Is that wrong? And why, do you ask, that I bring this matters up, even after so many years? Because I simply can. Because sometimes, after years, I finally understand and make meaning of its occurrence. And if you must, because I want to read this back when I'm old and laugh at how over-sensitive I was. I'm not blogging this down for you, I'm blogging this for my own self. I'm not asking for attention. If I were, I would have publicized my domain everywhere, on MSN, on facebook, Twitter, everwhere, which you don't see me doing. This is here for those who care to see. Because if you don't, you obviously wouldn't read it. Heck, even most of my closest friends don't know I own a blog. I'm sentimental like that. I like my stuff and my memories, and I intend to keep them for myself.

So yes, please contribute to my bank of emotionally painful events. I say that with sincerely the utmost sarcasm you can ever imagine.

I am Jane basking in her Royal Purple-ness

I do stupid things when I'm stressed up. Things that I contemplate on other days, joke about when I'm happy (and drunk), and jump into doing the minute my stress level goes over my head.

I'd say all these things are not wasted. Besides being anti-depressants, they are also indicators of certain achievements, some of which I can share, and some of which no one will ever know.

Things that I've done include:

1. Having streaks of orange hair (which later on turned blonde)
2. Multiple piercings on each ear (some of which are pierced more than once, on the same spot, resulting in different channels leading to the same surface)
3. Streaks of bright red hair (which literally went down the drain)
4. Grown obsessively thin
5. Only to grow disgustingly fat back (and now trying to grow disgustingly thin again)
6. Pierced my belly button (which suddenly swelled up yesterday, bled and had stuff coming out, PLEAASEE STAYYYY)
7. DYED MY HAIR FREAKING BRIGHT PURPLE!!!

This is why Diane says that I am never boring. However, I have been very clumsy lately, losing things and dropping stuff =( I lost my old student ID which I intended to keep as a momento. I just hope it mysteriously pops back up again...

I want booze. And I find it disturbingly ironic about how people comment about the amount of ethanol I consume, but are all rushing to the new so-called "SKY BAR" that just opened up (It doesn't even look anything like the original). Oh, come on. GET A LIFE! So it's NOT okay for me to drink, but it's okay for YOU to drink?

I used to be stupid, thinking I was inferior to them. But today, I wouldn't trade places with any of them and their superficial boring life. At least I'm colourful. MUAHAHA. Too much self-praising for today.

I am Jane in all her lame-ness

I just found out about the whole Nuffnang awards thing and jokingly told stupid monkey HEMA:

"If Nuffnang had a "Most Emo Blog" category, I'd definitely win right?"

Hehe...admit it!! I make ALL OF YOU as miserable as I am. Just reading me sucks you into an abyss of gloominess. Nah, I'm just exaggerating. I'm not always gloomy. I just have very bad mood swings. Very. Bad. Mood swings.

I woke up today, and reality finally hit me.

I've gone through a break up

I'm now SINGLE

but not yet AVAILABLE

and definitely not ready to MINGLE

So what's the point of being single?

I'm married to myself and the dog currently. I'm counting the days till he won't be by my side 24/7 anymore =(

I want my own dog!!

On another note, I finally see what the cause of all my problems was. And now that I'm back where I started, I feel very very much better. VERY. More relaxed and definitely more settled.

And all that space..MMph!!

However, there is a price to pay. A huge price to pay. How I wish I never got a car.

I still am leaving the country. No doubt about that.

I am Jane, quizzical

In a very serious manner:

Why do girl friends feel the need to name their boyfriend's penises?

And it's okay if you have some strong masculine name like Superman or Amon Ra.

But you often get Princess something something and Sir something something. This is what I have from my friends:

Girl B: Sir SnagglePuss Rise-a-lot

Girl S: Princess Petunia, or Princess P for short

I felt emasculated on behalf of both guys..seriously???

And more interestingly, from a guy friend, a guy whom I never would have guessed he'd do such stupid things. And even better still, there's a long array of names, due to the number of girls he's had:

1. Princess Sofia (wtf)

2. THOR (this one, he named himself, on his own will!!)

3. Chocolate Cupcake (from his 'gay' partner friend)

4. N***s**cal (just to annoy me, he combined the name of two of the guys of whose name makes my blood boil till this very date)

And just to make things even more interesting, my friend decided to name her boobs Karma and Sutra.

What have you named yours?

I am Jane in ZEN

Madam S. S. Menon has named my room ZEN, after their HEAVEN.

I couldn't agree more.

This is the room I intend to find peace in.

And this is where I will HAVE it.

Funny how freaking long my emo blogs are and how short this one is.

Oh well, you people complain I drag you down together into my sorrow anyway.

So here I am, spreading some ZEN.

Goodnight! I have another Menon to see tomorrow..

Menon at the beginning at Menon at the end.. HAHAHA

Now everybody say it with me... OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I am Jane screaming on the inside

I think I just found the significance of turning twenty.

More pain, more problems, more types of problems.

I wished for my old life back, I wished I could write like I used to.

I'm getting what I wished for.

Problem-stricken life, hence the ability to write like I used to.

God, I'm asking you directly now.

I'm coming forward and asking you.

What is it that I have done so wrong that you must surround me with all these people?

What is it that I have done so wrong that I do not deserve what others have?

What is it that I didn't do to not deserve your mercy?

Why is it that I don't have a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to tell me everything's okay and really mean it?

Why must I feel all of this?

Why am I being suffocated?

Why am I not allowed to breathe?

Why do I deserve these kind of people around me?

Am I just as bad?

At the age of 20, I one day woke up and decided that although I know it will be impossible for my mum and I to see eye to eye, that I will at least try to accommodate to her.

What do I get?

Rejected, mocked, and bullied.

And of course, people trying to sabotage my every attempt, including my own mother.

Really, should I just give up and be the unwanted child?

Will that make everyone happier?

Shall I continue going against their every word

Just because I can?

Maybe I will be happier

Knowing that I am doing it to spite everyone.

And most importantly, succeeding in doing it.

I don't know how true this is, but people say that we are closer as compared to the other.

But I don't feel that way.

I know that we talk alot about the latter and it's problems

But the latter feels more comfortable talking to the other

And whenever the other asks, the latter jumps

When I ask, the latter contemplates.
How is that?

I guess it's because you're comfortable enough to know that I will always be there no matter what shit you throw at me.

That I will not blame or resent or even remember

Perhaps even not notice

Time and time again, I feel like I'm not doing myself justice

That I should just let it die

And time and time again, I let myself fall into the same trap

I am over-sensitive, over sentimental, paranoid.

All of which are a horrible combination.

And yet, I have nothing to support me.

Nothing

Nothing at all...

Name one person.

I challenge you

Only a dog that's not mine

Whose innocent mind is being brain-washed

I wish he could speak

Sometimes I wish that the people would read this and know

But I know that if they were to know

They'd get hurt

But the irony is that the blame will still be on me

Why didn't I voice my opinions out?

Why didn't I say so earlier?

Why am I such a bitch to bitch about this?

Why am I being a coward to write these all down and not confront them?

Why do I have to be over-sensitive?

Why did I accuse?

Why am I just being me?

Why?

Because you all never asked yourself how you treated me.

"It's okay, she's nobody."

"I know for a fact that she can be angry at me, but when I come crying, she will receive me with arms wide open"

Yes, God. That is what You claim You will do as well. I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I'd like a friend like me for myself.

This morning, I wasn't allowed to leave, I left with guilt, and I wasn't allowed to stay a place I can call my own.

I'm frustrated if you don't notice.

But then again, who does?

Jane is jane.

She is just Jane.

What can she do?

She will take all our shit anyway.

And how the hell am I supposed to know why she's being so sensitive?

Urgh!! Stupid bitch!

It's not like I don't know that I'm being used. I let you because I take pity on you.

Because I see how others treat you and I don't want to do the same.

But why are you doing what others are doing to you, to me?

Bleeding, aching, crying and screaming on the inside.

I am Jane trapped in a box and thrown into the deep blue sea

I feel as if I'm beyond repair now

This time it is not incident after incident that has gotten me worked up

But person after person trying to run my life

One has more right than the other

But that doesn't give her the right to do so

The other has no right but is good at psychological warfares

But she still has no right to do so

They both know my weakness

Scold me for it

Scream at me to not let others take advantage of it

But they themselves are using this to their maximum advantage

I am surrounded by so many people, yet I am alone

I am lonely, yet I want to be left alone.

HELP ME..I always thought I was close to breaking point, never knowing that once you surpass that, nothing matters anymore except yourself, and you just hold on to any last string of hope to stop you from snapping, lashing out, breaking lose...

ultimately hurting everyone else, but myself,

When I am the one hurting the most here.

For what joy, I have no idea. I can't say I miss my old life. I just want to move forward and leave all these things and people behind. I don't want any excess baggage, just a free spirit and a wandering mind to start anew.

Is that so hard to ask?

I am Jane in love

I am in love again.

He's sweet

He doesn't say much, heck he doesn't say anything

He's there when I need him

He gives me the right dose of frustration

I have to pick up after him

Feed him

At times he has his mood swings and PMS-es

He dirties the place

Steals my food

Looks at me with his pathetic adorable big sparkly eyes

Gives me hugs and kisses

Kisses my wounds

Kisses his own wounds

Lets me scream and shout at him

Lends me both shoulders to cry on

He's hairy

Fuzzy

With a goatee and a moustache

Begs me to play with him

Irritates me when I'm just about to sleep

Snuggles beside me just because he can

Feels the need to attach his body to mine as if he's an extension

Wakes me up by licking me all over

Never lets me leave his sight

Moans and groans and shows his temper when I'm about to go out without him

Loves car rides

Calms me down when I'm scared (especially when I'm lost in the middle of no where!)

Tries his luck when he thinks I'm in a good mood, only to get rejected every single time

Makes me laugh when he thinks I'm super stressed out by doing silly things

Tries to protect me even though he really can't (Aww!!)

He's as OCD as I am (perhaps even worse)

He's won my parents' hearts

He's handsome, tall for his kind, dark in certain spots, adorable, hairy, fuzzy, just the way I like them..

He struggled through the great sea of my quilt just to snuggle beside me

And then he made his way down to my foot and rest his little fuzzy head on it and refuses to budge no matter how much I move..

I love him dearly and I don't know how I'm going to leave with him not sleeping by my side (I really don't know how Sunil did it)

He's not mine, but I love him from the very depths of my heart as if he is my own

He brings me pain, but makes up for it with thrice the amount of joy he brings to me

I don't care what others think of him

No matter how paranoid and hyperactive he is...

And most importantly, he loves me back dearly...

He makes me feel as if I'm the most important person in the world..

Despite having more insecurities than anyone..

So much, that I forget that I have to give him back..

And that hurts me the most..

Kaiser puppy, if I ever get a dog, I want him to be the reincarnation of you. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you just the way you are.

You are MY summer fling..one that will always be remembered..