I am Jane, claustrophobic

Sunil left today (this is a delayed post), the fact hasn't sunk in yet, but I do know that Kaiser is impossible to be angry at! But I do know that he will be a good training for whoever who will make me happier later on. I miss talking to Sunil, but then again, it is undeniable that we did grow a bit apart when he was here. Maybe absence will make the heart fonder, hopefully return every thing to normal.

I'm feeling so trapped right now, and I have no idea why. Have some planning to do, but then again, all of this is up to God. You don't hear me saying that often, but I have my own opinions about God. It may not agree with everybody else's but I'm comfortable in knowing that my believes have not made me a bad person. I'm so suffocated I can't even hear myself talk and I definitely want to be alone.

I can't even vent out my frustrations here =(.

I just hope this laid back semester continues like this. Please let me pass all my three papers. :(
I may seem as if I have all the guts in the world, but I do have a few phobias, including needles, and claustrophobia. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in a new place, just like I wanted, but every night it takes forever for me to sleep, imagining the walls closing on me. I'm a horrible person I know. I really shouldn't be complaining. It is still a blessing in disguise, because now I'll think of getting to where I want even more, in a faster way.

For once, Jane wishes she was at home, or rather, had her own home. And I am still car-less!

I am Jane, Low Behold

Do you know what happens when you feel down? I'm not talking about rage here. I'm talking about disappointment, sadness, disbelief.
You feel numb to the world, it's as if your instincts are trying to protect you from getting hurt further.
You don't know what is spinning around you.
You honestly don't really care.
Your heart rate slows down significantly.
It feels as if it's threatening to stop any minute now if you don't pay attention.
You feel it pulsating against your rib cage, through your bones, through the tissue, through your skin, all the way to the outermost layer of your being.
You feel as if it radiates this moody aura around you.
Perhaps only animals will be able to sense it.
But it is possible to hide it from other human beings.
You feel so numb to the outside world, yet so cautious about your own self.
All you want to do, is to curl up somewhere,
in bed, in a corner.
In the dark.
Absorbing in the ambience, and all the darkness that surrounds you.
Hoping that you'd forget this feeling before it subsumes you.

Jane is feeling ridiculous. But she's definitely feeling herself. Sense that big changes are coming, decided for the betterment of two parties, good or bad, only time will tell.

I am Jane's second experience in the same year

Earlier this year, I decided to play hero and drive in KL to fetch my friend with a rented car. Everything started well, until I was directed to make a wrong turn, after which I started panicking and everything went downhill (literally) from there..I couldn't even bloody balance the car on the slope! Which was my worst weakness. Somewhere along the line, I met with a minor accident (I blame all this on MT3) when I accidentally 'kissed' a stationary car while parking because I forgot to switch to a lower gear. You know the funny thing is, that I didn't feel fear at that point.

Today, Sam and I went to meet Sunil and Auntie for Transformers since Sunil has been dying to try out the new platinum seats in Cineleisure. Sam was running late, and so we made it to Damansara from Sunway in about 15 minutes. On the way home, everything was going fine, except that it was raining, I don't know how, but I thought that Sam was in control, and that he was purposely doing it (because on the way there, he did a lot of squeezing just to get ahead of other cars) when his car skidded and hit the divider. I didn't exactly see my life flashing before me, all I know was the only thing going through my mind was "OHMIGOD, THERE'S A DIVIDER RIGHT IN FRONT AND WE'RE HEADING RIGHT INTO IT!". But fortunately, Sam's piloting skills came into handy and amazingly, the only thing that got dented was his right wheel (I don't know all the mechanic-y stuff) and his bumper only had a single scratch. I don't know. I guess I should be thankful. But the things that are going through my mind are:

1. How is it that I do not have a sense of fear of death?
2. How much guts do I have?
3. What is going to happen when I become the driver?
4. Should I even start driving?
5. My dad's fortune teller told me last year that I had such tendencies, why has it overflowed into this year? Is it just a coincidence? It's not like I thought about it. And I definitely did not wish for it to happen.
   
6. I'm supposed to be a very paranoid person. How is it that I trust my driver friends so much and how is it that I'm not the least afraid at the speed they are going?
7. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I NEED TO DRIVE?

On another note, we've been trying out this new experiment since Friday. I've come to a lot of revelation, even when it comes to the counterparty and all those around us. It's refreshing and definitely an eye opener. But what if it comes real? What will my real emotions be like? I don't even think I can handle it, and I definitely do not wish that it will ever happen..

Jane is feeling confused if she has human emotions. The confusing part is how she lacks some of the crucial ones, and have abundant of the rest..

p/s: Last Saturday, Mr Adel Ishak introduced me to Absinthe..have you ever seen lights zooming pass like how they appear in photos when you adjust your camera to a slower shutter speed? Please don't judge, I believe in trying out everything in life at least once, but not on a regular basis, and definitely not to the point of addiction.