I am Jane and I got tagged on Merdeka by the patriotic Lim Sze Wei!!!

Was doing my articles when I got distracted and decided to check my blog, only to find out that Sze Wei tagged me. Can I pretend I did not see it?

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Tag 8 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse.These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1 ) Are you allowed to have a bf/gf?
The answer is an absolute indisputable NO.

2 ) Describe urself in one word.
unconventional and down right stubborn

3 ) Who would you pick, someone who really loves you, or the one you love?
why can't I have both?

4) Have you ever loved someone BEFORE but never had the courage to tell him/her?
Things always happen in this area for me..hahaha..courage? I have plenty..except for when it comes to extracting teeth.

5 ) Does it feel good to love?
Not unless the love is equal.

6 ) What's the best thing to do with the one you love?
Talk all night till the morning sun shines, and then fall asleep.

7) What will you say to someone who doesn't want to believe you??
Your loss

8 ) Was ever a time that you tried to learn to love someone?
Of course! But I'm stubborn in my ways. You can't make me

9 ) What's your opinion about someone who's jealous?
You can't be any more jealous than me.

10 ) What would you say to playboys/playgirls?
I don't think there are such things. They should be renamed insecure imbiciles



[[ * PART 2 * ]]

1 ) Best place to cry?
Just don't cry

2) Who do you love the most?
Myself

3 ) Tell us about ur dream last night?
I dreamt I was the one who flew off, it will happen, and I will have much more vindication than this

4) Ever hated someone so bad?
Talk about it. I'm pretty good at it

5 )The biggest & most hurtful lie you heard?
It's the truth that hurts..not the lie..if you're talking about lies that were finally revealed, than how about my parents?

The last person..
-you had a beer with?
Although I hate beer, I have to say....wait..the beer killed that part of my brain cells. So I would have to say beau, Sean Kingston, Hem, Mabel, Putra, Mabel's friends.

-you went to the movies with?
Sunil and his mum (BIE you still owe me Wall E!!)

-you talked on the cell phone with?
I can't remember.this is what happens when you call me when I'm sleeping..

-you hugged?
Ong Li Sim...

-you yelled at?
mum? why? simple reason. Because she was being stupid. She tells things halfway, and expects you to understand the other half. It's as if people can read minds. And if you ask her to explain she will say that she ALREADY told you when she NEVER did. SO very the irritating!

In the last week have you..
~Kissed someone?
I don't kiss and tell

~Danced crazy?
Not in a very long time


Think of the last time u were angry, why were u angry?
This afternoon. I told you..my mum was being stupid. Sometimes, talking to her makes vomiting blood feel easier.

If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
I hope for a fairer place and things to change for me

If you could have an all expense paid trip, where will you go?
Japan so that I can eat sushi like a mad woman and shop until I drop

Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
I'm pretty good at it. You DON'T want to mess with the Jane..ahahaha..No, seriously

Are you old fashioned?
Not at all. I like redefining everything to my own convenience.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I do both perfectly well, subjected to the fact that I really feel that way.

What thing would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
myself? there's always a way.

5 Facts About Me:
Stubborn
lazy
sarcastic
sleepy right now
unconventional

5 Things that Scares Me:

Hospitals!!and everything to do with it
failing exams
uncertainty
the future?
myself at times..haha

7 Songs Playing in My Head Lately:
stop and stare
im yours
bleeding love
dangerous
that's all i can think of

7 Words/Things I Always Use
You can't tell me I'm right or wrong.
Life sucks
I don't understand why they must make things so hard
People who don't respect have no right to demand respect let alone be respected
Respect cannot be demanded it must be earned
Uncivilized people should be treated just as they are, uncivilized
The phrase "I want..."


I tag...


everybody who reads this because I'm too lazy and kind hearted to pin point anybody

ps: Szewei..why is the tag so bloody long?

Happy Merdeka anyway, not that it was very happy.

I am Jane saying "kenyang perut tak suka hati"

Whoever who came up with the Malay proverb "Kenyang perut suka hati". I never feel 'suka hati' when my 'perut' is 'kenyang'. NEVER. I always feel guilty, almost bulimic. My original plan was to come home from test, nap and then go for P1, but Sasha invited me for lunch and so I spent half an hour online, doing NOTHING when I could have done my articles which would have been more productive, one hour for lunch, and now I have half an hour before class. Should I nap? Oh, what the heck. I'm blogging anyway. Did I tell you I ACTUALLY SERIOUSLY studied for my test? Well, it wasn't anything great, but I actually strategized my studying; that's a nice way for saying I spotted questions. Yes, learning under the same lecturer for the second time around has taught me much about his behaviour, thus enabling me to predict him. I wonder if I can do the same to the examiner? Hehe.. Guess what, I'm actually pretty good at it. A 100% of what I spotted came out, which consisted of 70% of the paper, I spotted the other 30% as well, but towards the end, I didn't remember to go through them. Oh well, at least that's one paper down. Now, to read Mr. Goh like a book and guess what he's going to examine us on. I feel like a psycho psychic! And yes, Ms Smart Alec was so happy that she could answer the paper (unlike previous PTs where she just walked out), she went home without her file. Which made her have to walk ALLLL the way back to college again, just to get the file. This caused her to have blisters on her feet. Not that there weren't any in the first place. Ah, crap... Everlast..when will you EVER be comfortable at LAST? Roomie's out.. I get to blast the air-cond and hide under my lovely Mysa Stra.. Oh, what bliss... Screw you all, I'm going to nap..Toodles!

I am Jane and I've only got four minutes to save the world

I'm constantly amazed at how every time I help someone purely out of SHEER no-intentions, not expecting ANYTHING in return, it always kicks me right back in the ass. Aih, as bored as you are reading about it for the umpteenth time, so am I bored of writing it for the gazillion times. Some things don't change. So why bother? I'm going to move on. It's been a week since the results. My motivation level is slowly and steadily dropping although I refuse to believe so. That "there's always tomorrow" attitude is slowly creeping back in. Oh, when will I ever learn? My time is wasted on the internet surfing around aimlessly, or chatting with stupid monkeys whom will never change and will never listen. I also don't know why I keep repeating the same thing. Anyway, what are friends for, right? Almost half of my monkey friends have flew off. Including my most favourite-est bestest monkey ever, whom is sick in Indonesia. I hope she doesn't catch the Indon bug, I really do. I wonder when's my time to finally fly off. And by the way, this monkey makes stalkers look like NORMAL people. I have a huge headache because it's so hot and I just know that I'm going to wake up sweating tomorrow. Am considering taking a COLD shower early in the morning but chances are I'd give myself a cold by doing so. Oh, what to do.

By the way, I've stumbled across some DIY blogs and have suddenly felt 'inspired'. I didn't excel in sewing or stitching while I was in school, but all these cute little things have got me wanting to try. And so, I think I shall splurge on a mini sewing machine (yes, I know. I'm crazy. Imagine all the shoes I can buy with the amount of money) to save my poor hands from sweating while holding the needle (always happens to me). I remember when we were all forced to take 'Ekonomi Rumah Tangga' while in school. It wasn't exactly torture, I would say it was fun, but I wouldn't say we were very good at it. Of course people like Meiyuin were born with stitchy fingers, but I don't think that people like Ezen and I were any good at it. And yes, I cheated on that quilted cover thingie we were asked to sew. Yeah, as if I was the only one. As if you all didn't pay the lady at the bazaar RM2 to do your homework for you like I did. No wait, I didn't. My mother's domestic help did it for me. FOC! Secrets out. No biggie. And yes, I shall never forget our beehoon goreng with 'kepala, tangan, and kaki' as how Puan Wan put it. I remember hitting nails in and sawing wood. And yes our favourite machine, the one that drills holes. Oh, what fun! And so, that shall be my next miserable semester break project, along with my OBU. Yes, if all goes well, you shall all call me by my name, followed by BSc Hons Applied Accounting. I can't wait! I've got all these ideas, these crazy whacky ideas. I've got the materials, the guides and my trusty own creativity (Or so I think). Yes, I'm a girl of many ideas, but putting those ideas to work is much harder than it seems. Although strange enough, it's difficult when I put the ideas to work, but when the idea is MINE, or rather, the same idea is put to work by somebody else (this includes a total dummy at whatever I want to accomplish), it miraculously ALWAYS seems to work. You do the math (By the way, today I'm very pissed at someone because he used this sentence at me so many many times that I feel like taking the calculator and banging his head and then saying "here's my calculator, you do the math yourself!", yes, I'm violent. I know).


By the way, the celebrated JPA scholar is leaving this Thurs, of all days, the day I have test. And Mr. Teo's new ruling does not help at all. Seriously, Sunway should go for brainwashing. Even in the fundamental liberties it is written that you cannot retrospectively punish someone who has committed the crime way before your ruling came out. They all ought to go for decency training and learn how to speak with COURTESY. Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita my ass. How can we achieve that when we have people like these in our country and departments? Oh yes, we ARE courteous. Courteous to the people who feed us, the people who are of superiority to us. It's call SHOE POLISHING. Something I hate very much. And yes, just because the staff are older than me, I don't think they deserve any respect for acting like monkeys. I treat monkeys as how they want to be treated; like monkeys. There is no point in being nice to them because they will only get big headed and step all over you. Not only that, they'll think you're afraid of them and show you more attitude. And so, the only way to deal with Malaysian monkeys is to treat them LIKE monkeys. And yes, it works every time.

By the way, this applies to elderly lecturers too. This is what happened today at the office:

Me : Hi, I was wondering if you could please reschedule my test for me? I told Mr. M my problem and he told me to see you.
LL (stands for Lau Lecturer): Oh, you must take your PT, you know? (of course I know. Why else would I be here? I didn't ask you anything also!)
Me : Yes, I know, that's why I need a reschedule. I have to send my brother off at the airport.
LL : Ask someone else to send him lar! (What if I told you to send a representative to your son's wedding? Fair?)
Me : (all I have to do is stare in confusion..works every time..people suddenly feel the stupidity in them rising)
LL : Your PT is more important you know.
Me : (your class is more important than your son's wedding you know)
SY : When is your brother flying off?
Me : Wednesday, to CANADA. My MUM want's me there (I'm good at playing the 'mum' card). Family obligation, you know. (look at LL)
LL : Oh, like that ar..... (silent for the rest of the conversation)
*At this point, another student joins me, reinforcing our side of the story*
St : Hi, I cannot do my PT on Thursday and Friday. When else can I come (see! I have more courtesy than her!)
SY : You all, everybody wants me to reschedule their PT. Why don't just don't do?
St : Because Mr Teo just came out with the ruling that people who don't sit for PT will be barred. It's not like we knew about it earlier.
SY : Yeah, talk to me only nicely. You go and try and tell Ms Emily and see (I bet my ass Ms Emily knows how to speak properly).
Me : It's not like we purposely made it so that we'll miss our PT. These are family emergencies, can't be helped (looks at LL again).

*after this, SY goes historical, and I keep going back to the point that I need a reschedule and that I have class (and that she's wasting my time). See! How NOT to treat monkeys like monkeys? This is not called no-manners. It's a matter of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. We are students also, we are humans also. You may be older. But that doesn't mean you deserve any more respect than us if you don't know how to speak properly! I hate uncivilized people who live in a civilized world but still act uncivilized. What a shame to their parents.

Oh, and by the way, did I tell you that Sunway made my RM 980 do a disappearing act? It just vanished into thin air! The financial courses department accused the hostel people of swiping the money, the hostel people said they didn't do such a thing. And so, off I went to see the chief accountant, whom I found out, doesn't even know how to debit and credit! Earlier this semester, I overpaid my fees because I thought that I had to resit the paper from the beginning of the sem. And so, by right, my account should have an excess of RM980. These people, happily debited my account for F8 with that amount of money when I'm on scholarship! How weird is it that I'm paying for only one paper? Few days later, the CHIEF accountant calls me up and tells me to inform the financial courses department that my account hasn't been adjusted and that they'd make the adjustment by that week itself. That week itself ended up not coming for the finance department because my account was just left with the same error until I got to know about it and made a big fuss over how RM980 can go missing just like that. Despite all that, stupid people charged me RM240 for don'tknowwhat and credited the remaining balance to my account, of which the hostel people took all of it! Isn't this great management? I don't know what else to call it.

I am Jane and I am invincible once more

Just a short one before I sleep, I have so many things to talk about, but no time at all! Results got out, you know what? Between fretting and tossing around in bed, between tuning in and out of class, between whether or not I should open the e-mail myself or someone else. It finally came. It came when I was in Marcus' class. My over kan-cheong mother opened the e-mail and sent me a message saying "congratulations, you passed all papers f9- 57, f5- 60, f6- 66." The words didn't sink in at first, because I was busy looking for the word "FAIL", just like how my dad sent my SPM results to me about three years ago. And the evil thing about THAT message was that the preview read, "Congratulations, you got all A's except...". What a great part of the sentence to stop at. For the last one and a half our, i kept opening my mum's message, reading it over and over again, thinking did I really pass? Is my mum playing a joke on me? Finally it sank in, and then I started thinking, this feeling is so not equal to the feeling I would have gotten if I did fail. So unfair. It should look like a U shaped graph, with the lowest point of the U on the (0,0) coordinate. But no! I feel only contented, not jumping with joy. I even tried tricking myself into it! It did kind of work for a while. But then I realised it wasn't really what I was feeling. Yes, I'm a gloomy person, all full of gloom and doom, hate me. I don't care. Oh well, passing the exams IS much more gratifying than being happy. And it certainly beats failing it and having to re-schedule everything. So, yes, I'm thankful that I passed. No, make that more than happy, but still not jumping with joy. But I'm still happy that I have the ability and am given the choice to be happy, although I don't have the urge to jump with joy. Something makes me want to force myself to jump for joy because I feel like I'm taking passing the exams for granted. I'm a confused girl. I know. Anyways, the results were actually better than what I expected. Now, I have an average of 60 plus, which means that I'm in the second upper class band. Don't really care. It's still a cert saying I completed something and that's enough for me. My other friends were less fortunate though, failing a paper each, nevertheless, we're still on almost the same length. These are friends I can actually count on surprisingly to me.

By the way, Chung Li Kuan came, only to find that Summit Climbing Gym has moved. So if anyone knows anymore easily accessible climbing gyms, do let me know. And because we couldn't climb the wall, we climbed stairs and shopped till we dropped, trying on Forever 21 like it was a fashion show. Can you believe I got Esprit for RM20?? Even I was surprised. At the end of the day, I literally dropped dead on the bed.

On another note, I hate people who KNOW or THINK they're clever, and must announce to the whole world. Not only that, I HATE people who roll their eyes when you talk to them POLITELY. And they're not even talking to close friends! People who sit beside you as if it's their right just because you're ACQUAINTED to them, people who go "Oh, I did so badly...bla bla bla...HAIZ... I'm such a BRILLIANT guy! Must be the examiner's fault." People who step on your toes and don't apologize. People who scold/ act as if they don't need it when you share exam tips with them. Seriously, I could have just been selfish and kept it to myself right? I just CASUALLY said "oh, you know this site has some tips from this and this publisher." The reply I got was NOT what I deserved. Even smart people get bad luck and even smart people need all the back up they need. Even more so in a course like this when we have examiners who can't make up their minds and are a bit cuckoo in the head. ARROGANT FOOL. I solemnly swear I shall be selfish to you and you alone...unless others want to be added on the list. Then so be it, I have nothing to gain from people like you! GOOD NIGHT! Thinking about it makes my blood boil. I haven't had enough sleep for three days. So I'm going to catch up on it tonight.

I am Jane in cold sweat

In about one and a half hours time, my fellow torturer for at least another year, the Association of Chartered Certified Accountant, aka the Association of Coffee and Chipsmore Addicts, more commonly known among us suffering and dying students as Asylum of Cuckoo and Crazy Accountants, will start dispatching our June 2008 results via e-mail. I shall cut my long winded-ness today because I actually have like three more articles to do but my heart has been pounding like crazy ever since Michelle and the whole world decided to come and tell me that they are so nervous and stuff. February's experience was a bad one, but then again, according to Feng Shui, stars and moon, palmistry and what-not, the lunar 2007 was a bad year for me. Honestly, a good year for me would really is one which involves very few tears. So, please tell me if I'm a demanding person when it comes to that. I have evolved a lot over the years, from a person who would fret over every single detail, to a minimalist who hopes and prays for a smooth path. I do not ask for much, I only ask that I pass. Why?
Let me tell you who I am today. I am an average student, who doesn't and can't really bother about what's cool, what's in and popularity. Note the word average. I used to fight to be in the top positions in school, but today, I'm fighting for survival. I only have myself to blame for this. For choosing a course well-known to slay many in its path, and to handsomely (via torture) reward those who succeed. I have evolved from a social butterfly who believes in making the best of my time by partying and socializing to your average Jane who attends class religiously
and doesn't bother if anyone's sitting beside me. That, is a major step for me itself. I used to give in to that dreaded feeling of not wanting to attend class and sleep in, but nowadays, I attend every single class I can, save for the medical leaves, and more unbelievably try to pay attention to the lecturer. I still believe in self-studying and self-learning, but even more so now. From a person who sits and does nothing the whole day except whine about how I hate my life, I have learnt to live with life, only complaining as a medium to express my dissatisfaction of how life treats me. I actually sit and study, and actually plan out my studies, which has always been a rare thing for me. Surprising to me, I actually find it very soothing and comforting, especially during this time of the semester. At least it takes my mind of the agony, save for when unknown sources play the role of devil flying around my head making me nervous. I literally have butterflies in my stomach and I'm still confused as to how I feel. More so, I'm even more confused about how I'm going to face tomorrow. I keep picturing the results finally appearing in my inbox, but it really just stops there. I don't know how to open it, and I'm still unsure if I want to open it myself, let my mother open it, or my beau. Even if they open it, do I want to hear it and if so, when would I want to hear it? How would I want them to break the news to me. So many questions, so little time, now it's down to one hour. I do hope I will be one of the first to receive my results. At least then I can sleep it over, or so I think.

I've thought myself over, I dreamt about my results coming out (just like how I dreamt about it during my first semester), and I've turned over a new leave. I actually study in the LRT because I know that if I bring a book together with me, the LRT would be boring enough to actually make me study, although I still don't mind sitting and staring into the sky for one hour or even smelling people's9-to-5-job sweat when they hold the rail, not that I'm given a choice not to. Early this semester I promised myself that I would not torture myself any more than I have to by not staying in this place and in this state any longer than I have to as well as studying way before the exam to save myself from all the agony that I'm facing now. If all goes well today, I foresee myself very relaxed next semester when the results are due, knowing for sure that I've passed, only waiting for confirmation. Many people have said and not only wish for me to pass all my papers. I hope it is a sign that I will. Yes, I'm looking for signs. I'm that desperate. Hey, believers look for signs too, okay? Why can't I? All I wish for, is that I will be given a chance to start clean, on a fresh sheet of paper, with no traces what-so-ever of my past. Let me start clean and not have my past lingering about my head while I do it. That is all I ask. Needless to say, I feel myself changing, but will God give me a conducive environment to do so? I can only pray. I don't want to be the same person I was last semester. Some things don't change, but now, I'm willing to break even the most history-long of my habits. Will they give me a chance? Can someone just lie and send me an e-mail saying I've passed all my papers so that I can sleep peacefully?

I am Jane's trilogy

I have so much delayed blogs that I have decided to combine them all into one, thus naming this one, a trilogy. Let the trilogy begin!

Episode 1: I am Jane awaiting to be put to sleep, cut open, and stitched up
Just the sound of it makes me shiver. On the morning of 11.08.08, this is what happened in the dentist's office in Hospital Taiping:

Dr : Good morning.
Me: Good morning (still very cheerful, and partially thinking "since when are hospital doctors so nice??!).
Dr : So your letter says that your wisdom tooth is causing you pain, and you have abscess and bleeding gums.
Me: ????!!! (since when?)
Dr : Where are you studying?
Me: Sunway
Dr : Studying?
Me: Yea (???)
Dr : I mean what are you studying
Me: Accountancy (I think at this point it was written all over my face "what does what I'm studying have to do with my teeth growing impacted?")
Dr : How about your medical history?
Me: Bla bla bla... (boring stuff)
.
.
.
(eons later, after a series of very boring and non-teeth related questions)
Dr : Do you smoke?
Me: NO (very confident)
Dr : Do you take alcohol?
----- {awkward silence} -----
Me: Erm...erm...well.. I did try?
Dr : Oh, I have to ask these questions because they are very important
Me: !!!???!!!?!??!!! (panic NOW)

And so, I went home and googled "influence of alcohol on surgery". WAIT!! My ordeal at the dentist is not over yet. Turns out that I have a choice to leave my stupid tooth there, or take it out, which I will eventually have to do because teeth like these only cause problem and nothing else. And so, because my parents would never stop nagging me if I left it there, I decided to do it as soon as possible, and once and for all.
Fortunately for me, I had the choice of local anesthesia and general. My choice was very obvious, especially after he said that under local anesthesia the procedure would go on for about an hour, and I'd be able to hear the drilling, vibration and shit. So please, let me 'rest in peace' while you do it, and don't wake me up until the pain is over. I said PAIN is over, not ordeal is over.
I'm telling you, sometimes, I have a feeling that my parents just want to scold me for the sake of scolding me. Just so they can talk. This is why:

1. When I told my parents I had an impacted tooth, my parents were jumping up and down trying to get me to do it right away. I remember countless visits to Dr. Ng, and countless chickening out. And because of that, they nagged and nagged and nagged. Now, I'm willing and even offering to take all three out all at one go, and they're still nagging, asking why I want to put myself in such danger. This is where that anime-like emoticon comes in handy. I believe it looks like this {-.-"}. What the hell, don't take out also get scolded, take out also get scolded. So? Take out or not?
2. My philosophy is, if something is going to cause me pain, I rather have very deep excruciating pain ONCE than bloody irritating nagging pains for two-three times. At least, I don't have to go through it all again and say "Here we go again". This gave my choice of general anesthesia extra points, because I can have all three removed at the same time. But no! My parents (who are not going to endure the pain) have to step in and enforce their opinion on me (I believe I'm 19, capable of making my own decisions, thank you). They started scaring me with stories of how people who went through operations using general anesthesia never woke up, and how general anesthesia kills your brain cells (smoke also burns brain cells, please stop burning incense).
3. My parents are truly MY parents when they know my phobias and use them against me. They said that when I'm hospitalized, they won't be able to stay the night with me, and I will have to sleep ALONE, in an eerie bed, with sick people all around me, trying very hard not to get sick or the doctor won't be able to perform the surgery because I'd probably die if he did, in the dark, creepy ward, with a blanket so thin I can see right through it. Okay.

Okay, the last one really got me. But what am I supposed to do? If I don't do it now, I'm going to have to do it eventually. And did I mention I have mutant teeth? They grow at incredible speed! I RECENTLY (about a month ago, hehe) extracted my bottom right wisdom tooth, and the top one has already (I can't remember the exact word) 'over-grown'. Seriously, I think if I pulled only my bottom two canines, I'd probably have draculla fangs by now, no kidding.
And yes, just to extract an impacted tooth, and two very normal teeth, I have to have my blood tested, myself warded, and other weird tests done on me. SUCKS! I can't remember what else I wanted to say, but I shall stop my teeth clattering here.

Episode 2: I am Jane's pending results
My dreaded exam results are out on Monday. Do I want to know? Not really, unless it's good news. I've never been like this actually, awaiting something so uncertain. Nope, not good. I've always made myself very certain of what is to come, and thus, life has never been much of a surprise to me, and I never complained that it was boring, until now. It seems as if I've become a layman, whereas I was kind of invincible back then. But then again, it WAS just high school, how much hard work did that require? And so, results, please be obedient and be good, literally be GOOD. I don't want to be sitting here any longer than I have to, and I think I am putting in much more effort than I usually do, so please don't make me lose hope and hate the world more than I already do.

Episode 3: I am Jane's self-proclaimed Self-indulgence Day

Today, I had to come back early because my audit lecturer decided to be hardworking and give us 'extra class'. Actually, it is really unnecessary. Not that I don't appreciate, but there really are much better hours and ways of giving us extra class. Maybe an additional hour every day? Or less breaks, start class early, end class on time. Ah! Who am I to say. Did I mention the stupid admin staff messed up again? They called me and said, "Hello, this is Sunway TES, are you having an operation? Do you want to defer your papers?". I merely asked for an MC, I don't know where they learnt English from, but they certainly didn't master it well. Plus, if I were having an operation right now, would I be able to answer the phone? Life as a student is fucking retarded. I can't wait to be free. And so, I have nothing to add.
Back to my point, I dropped by Pyramid for my weekly supplies, and a little side-shopping, not that I had much to buy. I needed a pair of shoes badly, and so, I checked out the usual NOSE and Vincci who have surprisingly loss their creativity and sense of taste because everything was either so plain or really ugly. And so, I was walking an walking and walking when I spotted Everlast. They sell boxing apparels and equipment, as well as converse-like shoes and really really cute slip-ons. I found a ballerina flat-like shoe which I really didn't mind wearing, and I did a girl's most common sin: SPLURGE. Now, let's see how long EVERLAST will last in my hands. Pun intended.
For the whole month I've been craving for Japanese food really badly and today, I decided to indulge myself, since I worked so 'hard'. I was looking for those bento sets, but I don't know why they all looked so horrible nowadays, and so I settled for Mr. Tepanyaki. Let me tell you our love story:

I remember the first time I ever had Japanese food, it was when I was 10 years old, an age where I was most in love with food. My uncle and auntie took me along with them to see their son, and he took us to Lowyat (at that time, I didn't know the place was called Lowyat, but when I revisited the Mr Tepanyaki there, it was like rendezvous) for lunch. I didn't even know what Mr Tepanyaki was or what I was going to eat, but the first bite blew my mind away. I remember my cousin saying "You either hate Japanese food, or you'll love it. There's no two way. And if you love it, then you're in deep trouble, because all your life you will crave for it and it will burn a hole in your pocket". Almost a decade later, his words still stand true. The cold raw sushi IS burning a very big hole in beau and my pockets.

But of course, Mr Tepanyaki's standards have dropped drastically, and it tastes like crap now. The chef used to be a real Japanese who was able to do tricks with your food right in front of your eyes. Today? The chef is just some foreigner from Indonesia who learnt how to cook Tepanyaki in probably a week. How sad. Can you imagine they put the beancurd used to make yong tau foo into the miso soup? Disgusting. And the food isn't as aromatic as it used to be. Nonetheless, food is still food, especially when it doesn't burn such a big hole in my pocket. And for dinner, I had a waffle (been craving for it for weeks), and Jusco-made sushi (because I burnt a bigger hole feeding my shoe fetish). Today, my materiality aspect has suffered a severe reduction and thus, I will have to replenish it, or make a disclosure to my mum, which I'm not willing to do. Tomorrow, Kuan's coming over, we're either going rock climbing or to Melaka. By the way, did I mention I lost 5 kg? Very happy. 5 down, 15 more to go.

I am Jane on the 8th of the eighth month of 2008

You know how Chinese say that 8 is a very auspicious number? I guess that's why China chose today to have their opening ceremony. Why am I blogging today? Honestly, I have no reason. Nothing much has happened in the past few days, activities only included:

• wake up
• eat lunch
• occasionally being dragged out to do chores
• occasionally going shopping alone and coming home empty handed
• lie in front of TV
• check mail, write my very boring reviews
• explore lowyat.net
• watch more TV
• eat dinner
  
• occasionally sit my ass up straight to study for a couple of hours
• watch some more TV
• get into bed
• watch a few episodes of Avatar (blame beau for getting me hooked. I'm NOT an anime person)
• read a few chapters (finally finished Pride and Prejudice)
• sleep
• continue perpetual cycle
• 99% of the time, being redundant.

Taking life easy is fun. I actually feel so...light! And I'm surprised it's happening in my own home. Anyways, dreading the hospital visit on Monday. Don't know what they're going to poke/jab/x-ray/dig out of me. And results are out in 10 days.

I know I'm a few hours late, and I totally missed the 08.08.08 deadline, but I tell you, TMnet should seriously get revamped; new management, new system, new broadband service! I always take at least 1 hour before I actually get connected. Hence, my delay in writing this blog.

Other than that, caught the opening ceremony of Beijing Olympics just now. Thought that Malaysian TV sucks because TV1 monopolized the whole thing and they had sucky commentators who don't even know what they're talking about. And Astro wouldn't even bother to tempt us into buying their stupid package using the opening ceremony. Anyway, who wants to pay RM30 just to watch the opening ceremony? Doesn't make sense.

Okay, beau's back. I'm going back to work. I seriously need motivation. Higher pay perhaps? I wished...080808, please bring me luck and give me smooth sailing from now on. Lol.

I am Jane heaving a sigh

So, I finally saw the ENT, and guess what? I DON'T have a burst ear drum. Imagine how relieved I was when I heard him say that my ear drums were fine and dandy! What I DO have, is a burst blood vessel right outside my ear drum, hence the bleeding and popping. There's still a big lump of blood clot there, but other than that, my ear drums are in perfectly mint condition (yes, I am now very fond of my ear drums). This is how it went.

1. Early morning, one hour before I was supposed to leave, the usual *BANG BANG BANG "GET UP!!! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE...YACK YACK YACK..YAP YAP YAP...BLA BLA BLA!!". I woke up only to find that I was an hour early. Nonetheless, seeing that I was already up, although still blurry, I was driven to the famously expensive Taiping Medical Centre, to see my old ENT, Dr. Lee, who is also my previous debate advisor's husband. Lucky me, there was no line and so, I was fortunate enough to skip the agony and anticipation of what he was going to do to me.

1. I entered, explained my situation, and was told to lie on the examination table so that he could probe into my ear(s). At that very moment, it just dawned to me that I should show him the medications I have been taking before seeing him. And you know what major shock I had? Here comes the eerie part:

2. The medication that Dr. Ko Ko Gyi (I am very fascinated by his name, and his personality, and once decided to google him, only to find out he was from Myanmar, to which I related to the beau who responded with "Who cares where his from as long as he's good?", and here's the irony: He isn't as good as how his personality portrays him) prescribed was basic cheap stuff, usually dispensed by GOVERNMENT hospital, which caused many patients to be PRONE to allergies they have never had before. What's worse is that the ear drop and the eye drops he had prescribed to me and my beau before have caused fatalities as well as blindness, deafness and extensive swelling to MANY other hospital patients before. And as a warning, PLEASE please try to avoid drops from this company called NICOL and if any other drops or antibiotics make you feel uncomfortable, it's a sign that it's not working. So, do consult your doctors if you have anything like that. (yeah, Jane's doing community service today, google the stories if you don't believe me)
3. After probing around in my ear, spraying water and sucking all the blood clot as well as puss out (my dad had to press my head down to stop my reflexes), he decided to check my other ear as well. I even got to see the insides of my ear through a scope! I have a perfectly TRANSPARENT ear drum, which means that it is functioning PROPERLY, or so I think.
4. Next, just for extra precaution, he decided to test my hearing, and to both my father and my dismay, there WAS something wrong with my ears. And being my dad, he agreed to some expensive test to check the objectivity of my hearing. Sounds wrong, but I don't know how else to put it.
   
5. And so, I was probed once again. This time, the doctors stuck some tubes into my ears to check the pressure. Turns out I was telling the truth. There was something wrong with BOTH ears. The pressure was much too low, hence the over-sensitive hearing as well as muffled sounds. My dad went for the quick fix (I totally didn't agree with it, but I was pinned to the examination table once again). The doctor said that I would only feel a 'pin-prick' and that was LITERALLY how I felt because he stuck a needle into my ear drums!
6. Now, my ear drums are really burst. What an irony. After which there was not much difference, only that I felt my head much more balance. But then again, I think the pressure is back because I now cannot keep my balance and feel very light headed very often.
   

And that, marks the end of my first nightmare/ escape from any surgery. Next of is dental surgery. Sigh! Why oh why do thinks like these happen to me? I'm hoping for another escape, because unlike cut-throat private dental clinics, the hospital is insisting that I have my jaw x-rayed. I hope that they find that they can naturally extract the tooth without having to cut my gums up and stitch it back. Please oh please let me be fortunate enough to never go through the pain of the scalpel.
If you're wondering why I can confront people, but NOT the scalpel, let's just say that I have had many bad experiences with needles, knives and such. You can't blame me. Seriously. I still have the scar to show it. When I was 11, the doctor who gave me my BCG shot underestimated the length of the needle and poked it in through one side, only to find it coming out the at the back of my shoulder. Hence, I have a green dot (where the needle went in), and a really huge BCG (where the needle came out). I also went through a bloody long high-fever period for that stupid BCG. That's needles. Don't even ask me about knives. Basically, I have medi-phobia. I get weak in the knees when I enter hospitals. And yes, I do admit it. I think I'd probably wouldn't be able to sleep unless they gave me sleeping pills if I ever had to stay overnight in a hospital.

By the way, I'm not going to skip complaining about my mum even now. Right after ordeal with Dr. Lee, she came to pick me up. The thing with my mum is that she cannot speak properly. Everytime she opens her mouth, she starts scolding. Literally. EG:

• " So? This time what's wrong with you?" in a very sarcastic manner.
• " Sit properly lar! Why must you sit like that?"
• " Wake up now or I'm going to lock your room. Then you can sleep the whole day"

Talking my mum is not an easy task. No wonder I have high blood pressure. How can your blood not BOIL when someone scolds you everytime they open their mouth? I don't know how my brother can sit quiet and listen (just the other day, he got scolded just because he asked my mum "Why can't I?" which my mum replied with a "Don't you talk to me like that". WTF!!" but I can't and so we got into a heated debate. This is how it went:

"After seeing the expensive doctor, now you know what's wrong with you lar!"
"There was nothing wrong with me. Why do you have to talk as if you want to fight?"
"Because you don't listen."
"Well, if you stopped scolding me everytime you open you mouth, may be I would,"
(crescendo)
"Why can't I scold you?"
"Because not everything is my fault and I can't control everything. I can't control the weather, and I can't control the pressure in my ears. I can't control external factors. (In my head, I was thinking, if I could, I'd control you, first thing)."
"Yes, but you not listening to me is what makes you sick in the first place."
"If you haven't noticed, I have been falling ill easily for the past 19 years."
"Yes, I know. Because you don't listen to me!"
"What else do you want me to do? It's not like I pray everyday for me to get sick!"
"Yea, but you always drink iced-water! And even then, you still don't take enough water!"
"If you don't notice, I finish a whole container of water in two days nowadays."
"Then why are you still getting sick?"
"I don't know! I told you I can't control external factors! What do you want me to do? Not go to college when my classmate is having flu?"
"See! Why is it you don't want to go to college?"
"I didn't mean that! I just gave you an example! Why do you always have to find fault with me?"
"Because you don't listen and you always waste your time"
"Yea, everything is always my fault, never yours. You're always right, never wrong."
"When have I been wrong?"
"Well, you're human too. Unless you're a robot or God, then you still have flaws"
"I don't need to apologize to anyone because everytime you make a mistake, I have to literally pay for it!"

There you have it, my mother's classic answer to everything. That she has to pay for my mistakes. This, I have avoided for the past two years. How? By paying for my own mistakes. Yes, I pay for my own mistakes, no matter how costly, and that's why I crave financial independence. It might cut into my study time, working part time, but I rather pay for my own mistakes rather than let her have the benefit of using that against me. My dad, on the other hand, is willing to fork out money, if it means giving me the best. Some of these mistakes are not all my fault. They are mostly due to bad luck. Yes, luck isn't always on my side when it comes to this, but I have, all these while, paid my way out of my own trouble. THIS my mother doesn't realise and thus, not appreciate. Funny how when it comes to my brother money is never enough for him. Funny! There are times when they cut me off for his sake. Like me getting scolded for him needing more money because his own funds ran out. I still remember how he stole from me and I will remember it till the day I die. I swear I tell you, there is no fairness in this. I do not ask to be sickly, and if they so refuse to pay for it, they can't blame me for looking for alternatives. They wonder why I age so quickly. How can I not, when I have to deal with my own things, myself as well as still get the scolding I DON'T thoroughly deserve? Where is the fairness in this? Just because they spoil him doesn't mean that I must pay and age faster than I should.
If this is the game she wants to play, and that's how I will play her game. This is how she brought me up, and this is how I will be. Mum, you taught me well. Well enough to use what you've taught me over the years to use back against you. How you treat me, I will treat you as well. I may not be able to reject or deny you completely, but I will remember how unfair you were, and unfair I will be to you. I know Dad and I have our differences and I know we are fixed in our own ways. What we do have in common is our need to have the best, and the best I will give to him. For all the money he has splurged to give me the best, I will do the same for him. As for you, it will always be about money. Bro can have you. You have always been his favourite and he, undeniably yours. You can live together 'happily' for all I care. I have had enough of having to look and attend to your attitude. You are right. When I have the buying power, I will not have to answer to anyone, not even you. That day is coming, and it's coming fast. You have always told me that when I start to have power in my hands, I will have to answer to no one, but they will have to answer to me. The world is spinning. What goes around, comes around. One day, you will have to answer to me, not the other way around. And I patiently wait for that day to taste the sweetness of it. You cannot blame me for working, I have done nothing to deserve your scolding. I am merely using my spare brain capacity to earn me money and I find nothing wrong in that as it doesn't drain any physical activity. I've found many loop holes in your rules, and I've used them well. This is what you've taught me, this is what you've made me crave for, and even though it is way beyond my time, I am slowly achieving it, in fact, way faster than I thought I would.
To the rest of the world, don't judge me if you're not in my shoes. I don't believe in empathy unless you have the exact same mother as I do. Even so, you wouldn't have the same emotions and conclusions I do. I am not ungrateful, believe me. I am VERY grateful. But as they say, what you sow, you shall reap. Why should our parents be an exception to this rule? They are not always right and I will prove to the world that they aren't. What's wrong with that? I am human, they are human. My dad understands that, my mother doesn't. My dad may be arrogant because he is stuck in his ways. I am just the same. But we admit we are wrong when we know we are. But she doesn't (read: Lois, Malcolm's mum in Malcolm in the Middle).
I write this blog, purely for self-purposes, to remind me of the injustice I have faced and put through, to remind me how I have been made to feel. This feelings are inflicted on me against my own will. I'll tell you how. My mother is cunning, but I see through her. She uses sentences and says things in front of me for a reason. She doesn't simply say things in front of people for no reason. There is always an intention behind and I know them well enough. This is an example, she said this right after my aunt got married again, and she purposely waited till I was insight before saying this, if you're smart enough, you'd know her intentions:

"What's wrong with her getting married again? She's still young. You can't expect her to live a widow's lonely life for the rest of her life! Which mother would want that? Of course, she has a daughter and a son (note the similarities in my mum's life), and of course, you can't stay with your son. Which daughter-in-law would happily take you in? The only person you can count on would be your daughter (see the implication?), that is, if your daughter is good (SEE THE IMPLICATION?), if your daughter isn't good, then who's going to take you in? Where are you going to stay? What to do, later on in life, you have to look at your children's attitudes(IF YOU KNOW THAT THEN WHY DO YOU TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DO?). Your son will definitely listen to his wife (then why do you insist on pampering him still? What good will it bring you? Mum, I know you better than yourself. You only do things if you will benefit from it later, which is why I don't want to take any more money than I have to from you. I don't want to be any more indebted to you than I have to). Haiz, being a mother is so hard. You raise your children up (unfairly), and then you still have to attend to their attitude."

My mum's exact words. I will remember them clear and well. My mum has a way of twisting her words. There was once, she twisted how she made me stop electone classes into how I wanted to stop electone classes. I have my brother as a witness, but she still insists till today that I was the one who wanted to stop. And so, I shall save myself an archive of all her exact words. What you sow, you shall reap. If it's not done by karma, then let it be human-made. Human being me.
p/s: My stupid monkey stupid childhood friend has officially left Malaysian land. She forgot to tell me. Monkey..you're going to die when you come home. This is by far, my longest blog (Blogspot got no more space for me to type anymore.SERIOUS), but Hem is sitting beside me in Prima, throwing rocks into my river of thoughts.

I am Jane's shocking revelation on human behaviour

Yawn! I just finished my five reviews for work. You know, I think I'm going to change my stand on how what I'm doing is just worth the income. I still stand on my grounds that working is tough, only made easier with the income in view, but working with my current employer is so much better than Forbes. Sure, Forbes may be a big company, and it would have looked really good on my resume. But to date, they have refused to reply any of my queries! I don't know whether or not they still owe me money, but that is besides the point. I don't understand how such a big company can have such unethical employees. If an employee is to be laid off, I think it's fair enough for him/ her to be given due notice right? Is it too much to ask if they just wrote a note saying that they no longer require your services (if they are polite enough to put it in this manner), or perhaps more crude ways? My current employee, although there is nothing in black and white that says that we have a contract for/of service (which is it for freelancers?) she is very professional when it comes to explaining my scope of work, how much I get paid, what I need to improve on and she answers anything I have to ask! This includes how will the payment be made (which Forbes took about 2 months to answer and another 3 months before they paid), whether or not she can lessen my workload during exam periods, and whether or not she can provide me reference for my resume (which she kindly obliged!). What more can I ask for? (disclaimer: my opinion of her stands as of today, based on what I know and how she's been replying me for the past one week. Of course, it takes much longer than a week to know a person, but first impressions are always important, right?) Sure, the pay isn't as great as getting paid in US dollars, but the job satisfaction is great. And so, I now do it not only for the money, but for the self-satisfaction, the self-confidence, the financial freedom, and most importantly, the appreciation. Getting the appreciation you deserve is so very rewarding. It makes you feel like doing your job better! This is what ACCA teaches us and now, I finally understand the essence of it.

On the other hand, today was a fairly 50/50 day between good and bad. And so, today's post will not be any less angry than any other post I've ever written. The main topic here today is human behaviour, which I shall demonstrate in the following scenarios:

1. I woke up early today, to see Ms. Emily to inform her of my taking a long break for medical reasons (please note that I have been known for taking off without notice and this is a very big step for me). I specifically remembered that Ms. Emily only comes to office at 9am, and therefore, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and went only at about 9.45am, only to find out that she was expected to arrive only at 11am. This is not what I have to complain about. She is a director, she has the right to step into the office as and when she likes. However, it is a different story altogether for the administration staff. THEY are being employed to help ensure that things run smoothly and I assure you that they are not doing their job well at all. For one, it wouldn't hurt them to be more courteous. After all, we are paying their salaries through our tuition fees. It wouldn't hurt them to show us some respect, if not courtesy. Firstly, they show attitude to students and sometimes even refuse to acknowledge a student's presence when the student is staring right smack into their eyes. I don't know whether or not they are partially blind, but they don't seem blind to me when they're busy chit-chatting about everything else under the sun that doesn't concern work. Next, they refuse to admit their mistakes! Read : how they changed the timetable at 8am and implemented it right there and then and expected students to know. Hello? Some of us don't have class every day, okay? Even if we did, what if we didn't have a particular subject on that day? Do you expect us to go to class empty handed? Might as well don't go, right? Even then, they have even worse communication systems. For one, the person who changed the timetable forgot to inform everyone else and thus, she was the only person anyone could consult about the changes and she was NEVER in the office.
2. Second experience on the same day, I was at Pudu, trying to get a bus ticket. I was queuing up behind a Malay man, who was buying his ticket. Out of no where, this old man came and stood right in front of me! Trust me, there was not much space for him to squeeze, but he still did! Even worse still, the impatient idiot decided to poke his head into the counter every now and then when the Malay man wasn't even finished! He even asked the Malay man why he was taking so long and asked him to hurry up! Hello? You didn't even ask my permission to cut queue! Sure, you're older than me. But that doesn't give you the right to be rude! At least have the courtesy to ASK. After the Malay man left, he conveniently took up the whole counter space and bought two tickets to Taiping (what stupid coincidence is this?). When it was FINALLY my turn (please remember that I was scheduled to see the doctor today), it so happened that the bloody old man bought the last two tickets for the bus! I may look young, but I also have a medical problem okay? Just because your old bones can't stand the heat doesn't give you the right to cut people's queue and BE RUDE! To top it all up, the miscellaneous notorious Pudu vendors were screaming their lungs out and some of their voices were really shriek-y. I may be a quarter deaf, but my sensitivity to noise has doubled (I can't even stand white noise now). So imagine how much grievance the old idiot caused me. This, please note that I've saved him all the profanity I could have used. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he DID have an emergency, but it still wouldn't have killed him to ask first. Mother never teach ar? Trust me, that wasn't the end of it. The next bus was scheduled to come in one and a half hours later (imagine another one and a half hours more of dust and loud shrieks. I wonder how much damage it caused my ear infection and burst ear drum. Seriously, old man, if karma works, I hope it works now). And so, I went on to look for alternatives, which brings me to my next scenario:
3. I finally found a lady selling Star Mart tickets for a bus that was leaving soon. And so, after constantly consistently asking her if it was REALLY a Star Mart bus and paying a price way higher than what I usually pay for a bus ticket, I went down to the mentioned platform, only to find that the bus there was going to Johor. Some guy asked me where I was going and I told him. He led me, and some Bangladeshi dude outside Pudu, where I first took my first illegal bus to Taiping, and asked us to board the bus there. Right before handing my ticket, I seeked confirmation from the bus driver that the bus WAS really going to Taiping. To my horror (although I'm not surprised) it was heading towards Penang. I caught a glimpse of the Bangladeshi's ticket which said Butterworth and started suspecting the legality of the bus. After insistently refusing to board the bus, some guy pointed me towards another bus, of which the plague in front of it read KL-MELAKA. I wanted to ask if he was blind or something. I gave them a cock stared and turned around. I headed towards the girl who sold me the ticket and started screaming my lungs out. Her explanation was that the bus IS heading north but stops along Taiping, Butterworth AND Penang. How convenient. I refused and demanded a refund of which she hesitantly gave. In the end, I had to wait a whole extra hour to wait for the bus. Even then, the bus was so damn old that I felt like constructing a bomb and blowing up the whole place right there and there. Why can't all bus stations be like Melaka Sentral? I'm not asking for Singapore standards, but we DO have some agreeable bus stations within the country. Can't they all be like that? Pudu Raya should be labeled hell on earth. See? Old man? See what grievance you caused me? Selfish, impatient rude ass.

After that, I finally reached home, and I'm not sure if it's the ear, but my mother hasn't started scolding me yet. Although I really don't understand how they can blame me for an ear drum that burst itself. Anyways, they're into this new thing called Scalar medal or something. It's this huge disc hung on a chain, supposedly worn around your neck. I feel like a dog. I even have a license to go with it. Very funny. Anyway, I missed my doctor's appointment and so, I have to go tomorrow. By the way, did I mention that I have high blood pressure? How not to? With people like this, it would be a wonder if I could keep my cool.

I once said in my Friendster blog that
Respect is to be earned, it cannot be forced out of a person, and neither is it in-born.

I still stand by that statement. Just because somebody is old doesn't mean they get the right to do as they want. They still have to live by rules. The idiot didn't even apologize! Am I invisible or what? If he told me I was, then I would have spat in his face. People who are rude do not deserve politeness. This is Malaysian culture. Things will never be done if you are soft spoken. I learnt it the hard way. Although I still get stepped over sometimes, I now scream at random strangers for doing me wrong. Cheating and stealing is wrong. And so is cutting queue. Like I said, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, although I seriously can't justify why he couldn't ask or apologized.

Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita it seems...I don't see it happening. And don't even get me started on government servants. Bloody hypocrites these people are!

I am Jane in Pain

If you think the title of the post is funny because it rhymes, let me assure you the contents are NOT. I sat staring at the blank screen and blinking cursor wondering how I can make this blog sound happy. The truth is, it's very hard to be a happy me. Sure everyone else who doesn't know me well enough can say that being happy is a choice, but if you are close to me (think close enough to be affected by what happens to me, that's how 'neighbour' is defined in law), then you'd get the feel of how hard it is for me to be happy.

For starters, I do not choose to be unhappy, I do not choose to be cranky and I do not choose for misfortune to happen to me (who does?). So, if you think all I do is sit and complain, buzz off. I don't need you to show me your hypocrisy. And yes, I am in a bad mood. Whether or not you choose to read is up to you. I did not force you and neither did I point a gun at your head to make you read. I write what I want, you read what you want. Fair and square. Like I said, many know me, but only a few know who I am. So if you can't empathize, don't criticize. No, I'm not in a rhyming mood, they just so happen to rhyme.

This post, I believe, is from the very depths of my heart. There's never a day that goes by without me wondering what I've done to ever deserve what happens to me. I don't think that I'm a very demanding person when it comes to life, and I don't believe that I don't have dreams just like everyone else. I don't think I'm not grateful for what I get, and on the other hand, I don't think I'm over grateful of what happens to me. Sure I may not be very religious, and sure I don't buy other people's words very easily, but I do have my own principles and I dare say I live up to them as much as I can. What I'm trying to say is that even though I think that morality is subjective, I still don't do what I think is not right, and even that subjects to some of the things society thinks as wrong. I don't kill (I'm serious when I say I don't even have the heart to kill even an insect), I don't steal (in fact, the opposite always happens), I don't intentionally hurt others (or so I think) and most importantly, I don't think I'm bad. Although I am not perfect. Sure, I don't listen to my parents most of the time (but I really want to justify that how my parents make me feel is also wrong), I am vengeful (I don't do you harm in a long term), I keep grudges (but I don't take them out on people), and I don't welcome other people's principles (is it wrong to have my own?). My point is, I really don't know what I did to deserve what happens to me. What did I do so wrong, that trouble comes after me wave after wave?

They always tell me to be strong, to always believe that better things have yet to come. But how strong can one person be? I feel like I've been forced to swim, without the chance to come up to the surface to take a breath. Of course I'd get tired easily! I do try to solve my own problems. I try to solve them as fast as I can with hope that I'd get a bit of breathing space before the next wave of trouble comes in. But NO! What ever that is causing the world to spin won't let me. What are these ramblings all about? Let me tell you now:

I'm sure you already know that I'm going to have my dental surgery done soon by now. And my scheduled consultation appointment is on 11th of August. Yes, I dread what the dentist has to say, and I dread having to go for operation. Even though I dread these things, I eventually get them done, EVENTUALLY. But guess what? Yesterday night, after my parents sent me healing 'energy', pressure started building up in my ears. I called my parents and they told me that Reiki has a reverse healing process.

And so, I waited for the pressure to subside.
It didn't.
I waited some more.
It started to hurt.
It hurt so bad I thought it was going to pop and release the pressure soon.
It DIDN'T.
I drank water, saliva, jumped about, did anything to release the pressure.
It DIDN'T go away.
Beau heated up water for me to inhale steam from.
Pressure went down a bit but was still there.
I waited.
Tried to sleep it off.
I felt an excruciating pain in my right ear as if something was trying to get born from my ears.
It popped. It felt like a little balloon in my ear that grew bigger and bigger and finally POPPED!
The growing pressure was painful enough.
But the pop was the worst.
Not only did it pop once, but a few times. All equally painful, if not more.
I finally managed to force myself to sleep.
Something told me to sleep on my right side, on my hand.
An hour later, I woke up to find coagulated blood on my palms.
You get my point.
It was thick with mucus and blood and wax.
I forced myself to sleep again.

I was already sick from Wednesday night onwards. I thought it was getting better. I was so HAPPY. But no! Things just HAVE to get worse. And by far, this is the worse ever. I was out at Midvalley's when my eyes started tearing. At first, I thought it was just because I didn't have enough sleep. Later on, I realized that the tears were not really tears but mucus spilling out of my tear glands. How fucked up is that? I went to the doctor, and he calmly told me that my ear drum has burst. It was as if he saw such things everyday! In my common sense, burst ear drum = DEAF. And he was acting so calmly! I mean, hello??!! I'm partially temporarily (I'll explain later) deaf in one ear! He said that I had to put ear drops to clear up the infection and then, if I wanted to (WTF! This is my hearing we're talking about!), I can go for operation to stitch it back together. Please, put myself in my shoes, and tell me how you'd have feel if you were in my shoes. I have not cried a single tear, although my face does show that I'm worried. How is that not being strong? I told my mum and she was LITERALLY speechless (speechless for my mum is a big thing).

How is it that I'm NOT supposed to make my parents worry? I don't mean to make them worry. Sometimes they just worry on their own, for unnecessary things. But of course, I don't mean that worrying for a burst ear drum is unnecessary. But, these are things I can't control. If you said that I poked a needle into my ear and broke the drum, then it's my fault. But my ear drum broke because of the pressure built up in the Eustachian tube! I couldn't possibly control that. I don't understand how parents can blame us for everything even things we can't control. I didn't ask to get sick and I certainly didn't ask for my ear drum to burst. Why am I still getting scolded for it? I don't understand. The only bright side is my mum can not scream at me, at least for now. Some how, I feel like it is connected to her screaming. She SCREAMS on the phone. It literally hurts my ears. And when I put it on loud speaker, it gets LOUDER.

My dad came up with this idea that if I don't get it done quick, the skin of the ear drum would shrivel and thus, I won't be able to hear properly. So I'm going back to get it done soon, and I just hope and wish they'd give me general anesthetic and wake me up only when the pain is gone. Hopefully, they'd do my tooth too. Then it'd save me the trouble of going under the knife several times.

The irony is that I've always thought I'd be knife-free for at least half of my life, if not a third. I admit I'm afraid of needles, knifes, scalpels and anything cold, hard, sharp and made out of steel. Who can blame me? I try my best to keep myself knife-free. I remember how my auntie had to go get the liquid sucked out of the Eustachian tube when I was young, and how she told me how she got it stuck. Ever since then, I always took precaution with my nose. But NO! Life just has to prove it's a bitch and make all my nightmares come through. My tooth decided to grow sideways, and now my ear drum decided to burst. I think I'm considered partially TEMPORARILY deaf now. So yes, I'm a quarter deaf. Don't make fun of it because it's not funny and I won't spare you the benefit of the doubt or laugh. So don't even bother trying.

I know I don't take extremely good care of my health, but I do average! I see other people taking drugs and smoking away and are as fit as a fiddle. How is this fair? Another thing is the doctor actually warned me about high-blood pressure today. HOW NOT TO GET HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?Always under pressure, no rest, always stress, no solutions, always thinking and even then also things still go wrong.

They say failing to plan is planning to fail. I say it's bullshit. Everytime I plan, see what happens. Tell me how to be happy. Teach me the secret to becoming happy. I believe that people who smile in the face of trouble have already grown immune to it, or they've already gone crazy. I've not yet mastered that art, unless you're talking about fake smiles which I put on to show everybody that I'm okay. No, I'm NOT okay. So please don't ask the obvious. How can someone who's had their ear drum burst be okay? Let me burst your ear drum and see if it's okay with you. And don't tell me that there are other people who have had worse luck then me. I will tell you that the ratio of those people to the people who live their lives with shit NOT coming in wave after wave are at least three folds.

They tell me that I have to suffer now to reap the sweetness of my suffering later. How long more must I suffer? They also say that you reap what you sow. What did I sow to reap this? Answer me now. Is it hard to be me? Or is it just hard to feel how hard it is to be me? You don't go through shit like I do. You don't get your feelings manipulated by your own family. You don't know how hard it is to finally realize and stand up to what they've been doing to you. You don't know what it feels like to have your own family use you. You don't know how it is to have to smile to people who back-stab you. You don't know how it feels to have to be nice to people who pretend to be nice to you but are actually giving you a hell lot of problems. You can tell me fuck the world.
But can you do it?

I am Jane in an ill-condition

As a kid, I never minded getting sick, in fact I used to LOVE getting sick all the time (think: Sore throat? Fever? Oh, YES!). In fact, I always wished it turn into something really nasty. For example, when I was in Form 2, I had the best time of the year when I had chicken pox, except for the after math when the name calling started. Why? Because I got to skip school, because I got to sleep the whole day, because I was forced to eat only certain things (helps with the weight and detox) and best of all, because I wouldn't get scolded, although there are exceptions to the last one.

Nowadays, getting sick is like an obstacle; for one, I do force myself to go to class nowadays (yeah, I finally came to my senses. Going to class means that I will need less time to revise nearing exams, you get my drift) and food becomes such a problem. Besides that, I'd have to go to the doctor's, something I never really fancied and still don't (think: long waits, needles, probes and medication). By the way, I noticed that doctors now take my blood pressure, which really freaks me out. I don't understand why. I mean, there was once, when beau and I both got sick, and he is way older than me, but he didn't get his blood pressure checked; I did! WHY? Probably because I am an ACCA student, therefore higher risk of getting high blood pressure. Lol.

This time around, I decided to become my own doctor. I knew I had a nasty cold (cold are never mild when it comes to me), and I knew the medication needed. Added points for my own dispensary located in the drawer of my study desk (gastric pills, antihistamines, paracetamol [very important], neurofen, you name it, I've got it). What I didn't have was antibiotics, please don't ask why, use your logic. And so, I thought I'd be a smart alec and off to the pharmacy I went. Unfortunately, pharmacists at Midvalley were as if their license was at stake; I do know of many pharmacies in Sunway who dispense antibiotics off the counter, but in Midvalley, nobody did! Except for one, located in some corner on LG. It was only by chance that I found the pharmacy and I so happened to be there just as the lady was leaving for her lunch break. The antibiotics are helping to control the sore throat, but it really isn't getting any better. Whatever it is, I'm still going to give it a little bit more time just to see if it really doesn't work. And then I shall have to figure something else out.

Other than that, I finally saw my lazy orthodontist at Bangsar after almost one year of her canceling my appointments. I mean seriously, how many coincidence can it be? She's always on sick leave, or she'd be at some convention or seminar or whatever, and sometimes, she'd go off to the bank for hours and never show up until it's time to pack and go home. This is the attitude of most hospital doctors, if not all. Very rarely do you see hardworking and efficient ones who are ethical enough to put their patients' needs first. The very reason they are doctors is to help the sick, right? It's not just for a check at the end of the month, and it really shouldn't be just to fulfill the houseman-ship requirements set out by the government. Nonetheless, who am I to speak? I don't run the government and the government today can't even take care of itself, what more the people. Probably they should rewrite the Hippocrates oath and also impose severe punishment for those who do not comply (such as the ACCA code of ethics). It really does make sense, don't you think? Why should a money-minded, unethical, under-qualified doctor have the courtesy of opening his own clinic and over-charging the public? And I propose that all hospital doctors have a special oath as well, by which if they don't comply, their license will be revoked not only here, but every where else in the world as well. Why should they become doctors when they can't even master the essence of being one? It is not the public's fault that the lines at the hospitals are so long. If there were more USEFUL doctors, doctors who don't take half an hour break after every hour, doctors who don't come in at 8am, have tea breaks at 10am, lunch breaks at 12-2pm, and another tea break at 3pm and nurses who don't show attitude, I'm sure we'd have shorter waiting periods and better services. Today, I'm in a doctor-bashing mood, particularly hospital doctors. If you're a doctor, or you're aspiring to be one, I suggest you read on (if you can take criticism and want to be a BETTER doctor) or just leave.

Hospital doctors and nurses get fixed salaries (at least that's what I've been told). These fixed salaries are paid not by the hospital, but by the government (hence the term, GOVERNMENT hospital). Where does the government get the funds to pay their salary? From every taxpayer, of course! So really, substance over form, materiality over legality, WHO are their bosses? The hospital directors or the taxpayers? If you've ever had the experience of having to go to a government hospital, how have you found MOST of the nurses? I've only had bad ones. From nurses telling me that I can't do this and that, from nurses threatening me, to nurses who refuse to register me so I can see the doctor. It really wouldn't hurt them to have a little courtesy and learn some manners. Probably in the future, nurses training should incorporate skills such as COURTESY and PROPER MANNERS 101. What right have they to shun patients away and what right have they to refuse you an appointment? It's like telling your boss "Sorry boss, I can't do it, please pay me my salary and find someone else to do it." If only we could get them fired.
On the other hand, (although I've never come across a nurse who dares do such things) I believe that doctors are mere employees, and that they have proper working hours, say 9-5pm, with a 2hour lunch break and their compulsory prayer breaks. But prolonging these breaks are really unethical. For one, you are letting other people (who need to eat and pray also) wait, and you are cutting into your working hours. Aren't you slacking and cutting hours? In the private sector, you get SACKED for that. Think of hospitals (and other government departments) as a company. Think of the directors and what-not as the CEO, and think of the taxpayers as shareholders. Even if you aren't a tax payer, you're still a stakeholder because the company affects you in some way or another. These people are mere employees. Why do they enjoy the ability to torture and refuse their bosses? Really doesn't make sense to me. If I ever get to audit one of the hospitals, I promise you there'd be serious changes. So what if they refuse me treatment after that? I don't trust most of them anyway. I'll just go somewhere else. Simple.

No offense to those whose fathers are doctors and who are aspiring to be one. I hope you don't become like that and maybe start a new revolution among all hospital doctors.

On another note, I've started work as a review writer. It's not as fun as I thought it would (my mum always said "All you think is about fun, and you only want your way. Nothing is going to bend your way just for you". Well I know she wouldn't! But trust me, if I had my way, everything would bend), and it's super ultra boring, not to mention I don't understand half of the terms I see. Plus, I find it so constricting to write only 300 words worth of WMA, MP3, Anynet+ and Progressive Scan. I need room for my creativity to grow! I need more words! I need SPACE.
Nevertheless, nobody said working would be easy. There are those who enjoy the benefit of doing what they love, but how many are there? Money is still money, and although I wish it did, it doesn't fall out of the sky (it gets printed by machines). And now, I'll just have to start finding that perfect balance between study, work, play and also sleep. Beau is having exams and he's blaming me for being here. If I'm not here, he says he wished I was, if I'm here, he says I'm distracting him. Sigh~ Nighty night night!