Friday, December 18, 2009

I am Jane the Woman

I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not really angry anymore.
But I'm angry with myself for not being angry anymore.

The thing is,
I just don't want to talk to them.
Not for a very long time.
I don't even want to see them.

To have to act like everything is okay when it really isn't.
At least not for me.

You will never know,
And you obviously don't care.

Funny how that she can't pick up.
Don't push me.
I can fall by myself.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I am Jane's Venom, Men and Expiry Date


Men are utterly disgusting.
Their habits,
Their behaviour.
Utterly disgusting.

I can't decide on whether I'm angry,
or sad.
So I shall just leave it as I am upset.

All the men around me are being assholes.
All of them.
I suspect the cause of it is that piece of meat dangling in between their legs.
And we all know that to solve the problem, we must get rid of the cause.
So I suggest either genocide or castration.
And eternal enslavery.

We don't need them to inseminate us.
We can just genetically modify sperms.
That way we can choose the best genes,
hence eliminating future problems as the possibility of creating an asshole is reduced,
And we will only select sperms with the XX chromosome inside.
Or even better still, genetically modify the XY chromosome into XX.

Men were mere experiments.
Their chromosome is a defect of ours.
Doesn't that explain their stupidity?
So by exterminating all men,
we are achieving Zero Defect philosophy.
Cultivating perfectionists and perfect beings.

I'm so sick of it!
It's not like both of them don't know me.
I feel so hurt.
I really don't know what to do.
And they both know very well how I react to things like this.
Is that what they want?

Maybe it's best I do that.
At least I'd be happy.

I have reached my expiry date.
I am of no use anymore.
They are all assholes.
And I refuse to associate myself with assholes.

I have been downgraded from friend,
to helper,
to just being there,
and then doormat.

But it is true what they say about an angry woman.
There is no nice angry woman in this world.
I don't believe in forgiving or forgetting.
I don't believe that you are perfect.
But I accept you for all your flaws.
Taking me for granted is a whole other story.
Do you expect me to forgive let alone forget that?

Being borned in the year of the snake.
I possess the true characters of one.
The Cobra
Full of venom,
Always alert,
ready to strike,
laying low enough for you to step on,
but close enough to sink my fangs into your skin,
injecting my poisonous venom into your blood stream,
causing imminent DEATH.
You don't mess with a snake.
She'll never forget.
Notice that Medusa is a female,
not a male.
They can't handle such power.
Weaklings.

I feel so fucked up.
And I only have two words to say to them

FUCK YOU!!

And FUCK YOU HARD!

I thought I'd be problem free after my exams.
But time and time again,
I'm reminded that trouble never ceases to follow me.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I am Jane, and I lack discipline

Heck, I just finished my articles.
I am so behind time.
Mum came today.
I am now allowed to go overseas by myself (not that I couldn't have seeing that I have regained possession of my own passport),
I want to go to Hong Kong Disneyland for Christmas.
Anyone wants to come with?
I'm really going offline for the next two weeks plus.
I can't.
I'm horrible.
I know.
Life's not the bitch.
I am!

On another note, I think I am a horrible friend.
A friend who over-analyzes relationships
Who gets jealous easily
and who is over possessive.

And on another random note,
ever wondered why our parents used to whack the shit out of us?
They didn't really have to,
but you know,
things like "If you do that one more time I will cane you!!"
it doesn't really hurt.
not flesh-wise.
maybe it hurt,
but it wasn't some kind of unbearable pain like going to the doctor for a jab!
why the hell were we afraid of them?
and you know,
it's so damaging.
the next time they scream "I'll WHACK you!"
or even just whip the sofa,
you'd go running for your lives.
Urgh!
How we've been mind-slaved.
And then we grow up and learn to be ashamed
and learn about public humiliation
But all it is is "positive comments, feedbacks and criticism",
not reprimands.
We get yelled at, and then we start crying, or our face expression changes, or we get angry.
Why can't we treat it as a normal conversation?
It's not like one has any more right to speak than the other.
This world is so full of shit with its hierarchies and self-confidence levels.
And guess where it all stems from;
That's right.
Our childhood.
Shouldn't there be a new way of parenting already?
I can't remember the name of that famous psychologist who had the same believe,
Unfortunately, his son died..
Which made his theory a mockery.
I don't think so.
I think that's an entirely different story all together.

And then there's this thing about being over weight.
Just today, I was at GJ with my favourite people.
And in comes an old friend who nonchalantly comes up to me and goes
"Hey, how come so fat already? What did you eat?"
Weird question which I didn't know how to answer
(possible answer could have been, I drank a gallon of oil, but I doubt she'd get my sarcasm)
My favourite people SNARED at her!
The thought of such a comment almost made them puke their guts out
Now you know why they're my favourite people =D
Not that I don't need the motivation to NOT be fat..heheh

Last but not least
Before that I must put in a disclaimer right now
MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND ALCOHOL
okay.
My lecturer told us that drinking is the direct route to heaven.
Why?
Because when you drink, you're happy
when you're happy you don't cause harm
and when you don't cause harm you go straight to heaven.
and when you drink too much
you pass out,
when you pass out you can't cause harm
and therefore you go straight to heaven.
simple right?

I feel very deprived now.
If Sasha wants to drink herself silly on new years,
I want to pour alcohol down my throat and then pass out.
I don't even want to get high.
I just want to pass out and be happy in my dreams
At least I'm happy there..


Urgghh...I hate how I jump every time *this (phone beeps) happens!

My very random post..lolz

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I am Jane looking for a confession box

Father, Father forgive me for I have sinned.
Bloody satan tempted me and I caved..
Who am I kidding?
I have no discipline what so ever.
So from tomorrow onwards,
The laptop is going into cold storage.

On an entirely different note,
YOU CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!
I just don't understand...

Monday, November 23, 2009

I am Jane confused

I just realised Sunil is coming back tomorrow..
I don't feel overly excited
I don't feel anything
Maybe it's because it doesn't seem like he ever left.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I am Jane's sponteinity

I LOVE SHABA SHABA!!
WE spontaneously decided to go on a drive because I am happy and because I don't want to stop being happy. I'm so going to regret this but I think I'm going to need the psychological break.
Love you heaps!

I am Jane in a day

I think, today was the most perfect day in this entire year.
I am one of many temperaments,
most of them from the extreme ends of all aspects.

I like to go out and party,
be surrounded by intoxicated loud people who are grinning like idiots
enveloped by loud music
and letting loose like there's no tomorrow.

But there are days when I don't even feel like stepping out of my bed,
totally zone out,
stare at the ceiling,
outside my window (which is why my bed is strategically positioned beside the window),
stare at my neatly arranged books,
stare at the squirls on my quilt cover.

I like to have company,
have good conversations,
about how blue the sky is,
anatomy,
girl talk,
mindless bullshit,
and the matters of the world,
heck even our topics vary so extremely.

But there are days
when I just want to be left alone,
and may God have mercy on you
if you even try to break into my solitude.

I love movies.
Sometimes when my brain is too tired,
and I don't even want to laugh,
I pick up a chic flick,
and stare at it.
You don't always have to use your brain to be smart.
You don't always have to watch movies that mean something

On other days,
especially when I want to be alone,
I go to the cinema really early
hoping there won't be anyone else
watch something like 2012,
and ponder about life.

(This is the boring part that sounds like every other blog, skip it!)
I think today was awesome.
I went to class,
I got my Progress Test 2 answer script back
(which I thought was forever gone since my lecturer forgot he left it in his car)
Re-read my answers and never thought I could produce such words and thoughts,
Came back,
Went for an awesome swim with an awesome friend in an awesome pool under the awesome sky during an awesome weather,
had a good bath,
realised my hair wasn't spoilt by chlorine,
got dinner,
found my favourite fruit,
had bubble tea,
had dinner in the middle of the field
under the stars
with the breeze in my hair,
had great conversation with two great friends,
came home,
sat in the spot which nobody else was smart enough to put a sofa there,
enjoyed the wind,
sat quietly beside another fantastic friend,
until she made conversation,
had conversation,
realised at the same time that we are both very happy
to know that we have dreams and goals
and that we're half way there
and that no guy can ever take anything we don't want to give from us,
realise that we are stronger than that,
realised that even if at the end of the day we have no man,
we are capable of being happy.

I think I can genuinely say that I am now happily single but not available.

I hope my ex doesn't feel in any way offended.
I just needed to know that I am capable of being that.
To know that I am happy alone to be able to be happy with someone else.
And today, I knew.

How I wish this could be my everyday routine.

I am Woman,
I am Independent
I am Strong,
I am Happy.
W.I.S.H. =)


"My head is in the clouds..."
"...and I like it there..."

I wish I never ever have to come down...

The end of Sunlounger's first disc is fucking-tastic!!
But current music to suit the mood is Chase the Sun...
How wonderful is it that I found the disc with the perfect song to end my perfect day by coincidence?
I love these friends..they're temperamental and there are days I can't stand them,
but so am I,
Me and my mood swings,
quite apparent from my blogs..

Friday, November 20, 2009

I am Jane's missing brain

I managed to finish half of my P5 syllabus in a day.
That was yesterday.
And I only spent two sessions of two hours each.
Again, that was yesterday.
Today, I woke up late.
I had a series of unfortunate events.
I wasted a lot of time.
I still have half a syllabus left,
past year questions to do,
not forgetting two other subjects to revise for.
God help me.


My brain is missing.
I swear.
It's already in Canada or something.
Wherever it is that I want to go.
I want to go away from here.
Can money please drop from the sky from me?


Monday, November 16, 2009

I am Jane a minute later

I just realised something.
I make perfect sense when I'm emotional.
But I'm nonsensical when I'm happy.
Should I just not be happy?

What? Makes sense,right?!

I am Jane's two-cents

Have you gotten any of those Birthday rewards/ gifts/ redemptions/ rebates?
They're pretty common.
Sometimes, if they're really nice and generous,
they give you gift certificates,
free merchandise,
vouchers.
If they're not-as-nice,
they give you vouchers and coupons for other shops other than their own.
But most of the time they are not-so-nice.
They send you SMSes and E-mails and snail mails with things that sound like this:

"Happy Birthday! We at blablabla (insert name of company), would like to reward you our valued customer on this special day with a redemption/ rebate certificate WHEN YOU PURCHASE THIS/ ABOVE RMxxx at our participating outlets."

"We would like to show you how much we appreciate our customers by giving you x% off every purchase at blablabla (insert name of company) on your birthday!"

"Get blablabla (insert name of item or service)/ x% extra on your birthday when you purchase (some random item or service) at the nearest blablabla (insert name of company)! Hurry, promotion is only valid on your birthday!"

And of course, in fine print:

"Terms and conditions apply"

Let me translate all of the above for you into one nice big paragraph:

"Happy Birthday, dearest customer!
We at blablabla (company) would like to take advantage of your 'joyous' mood (if you're a lady above 35, please change to: vulnerability at this point because you're a year older and your biological clock is still ticking!) at which point you are most likely to spend exuberant amounts of money because you are simply ruled by emotions and hence, is more likely to cash out on 'impulsive purchases' which you obviously don't need. Let us help you to make yourself happy by allowing you to purchase our 'wonderful' products at a discounted price that sometimes isn't really that attractive but what the heck, it's your birthday and nobody uses their brains on their birthday because your system has to reboot and readjust itself a year older. Not only that, because we are so nice, we will also throw in some worthless stuff together with your purchases, stuff that you don't need. Yes, because it's your birthday, you're a year older, and hence you have more right to spend an even larger sum of money than last year. Happy Birthday once again, and we're looking forward to see you walking into our stores with a big grin on your face and a valid credit card in hand."

This, coming from a person who has split personalities:
One day, she's a shopaholic
who will travel from north to south
just to look for that one particular thing
The next, she'd be too lazy to shop
because she rather sit and drink warm coffee by the big glass window on a comfy sofa.
One thing's for sure.
When I'm stressed out,
at some point,
I'd resort to retail therapy.
The weirdest thing I've bought on that impulse
is two bedsheets.
Not ONE, but TWO.
Why?
Because I couldn't make up my mind.
And then I left,
feeling a little less stressed for the day.
I'm getting there. I'm going to be a cranky old lady.

Watch 2012 alone today.
Although I didn't much get the 'loneliness' I wanted so much.
It's just one of those movies I want to sit by myself in an empty hall to ponder about.
If the world is coming to an end in 2012,
there are somethings I'd like right now.
I shall save that for another day.

P/s: I remember there used to be a bully/ really mean girl when I was in pre-school. I don't remember why I think she's mean. She was never mean to me, but I know she was mean some how. Anyways, I was going through facebook (I know!! I broke my vow), and I stumbled upon her album full of our pre-school pictures. Funny how I still remember everyone's names. I can even recognise Prema in the photos! Except for the boys. Don't remember all of their names, but some including Adrian and Li Wern (who ended up being my brother's friends in highschool because of PTS), Chin (back then, if you didn't have an English name, you were only known by your surname), another Choong, and Iklis (whom we called Ikan Bilis, of course). Boys were icky back then. Who says they aren't now?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I am Jane looking for a one-way ticket

I like travelling
I like shopping
I like travelling to places to shop
Unfortunately I don't have a limitless credit card or a bottomless account.
But a girl can only dream right?
After all, I am a girl with many wants and needs.

I was just looking at Cathay Pacific's website and wishing I could anyhow book a one-way ticket to some random place and never come back. I want so badly to leave. I've repeated this so many times I think I've gotten the point across, but will it come through? or come true?
For that, a girl can only hope.

I am Jane (C) Copyright 2009

I hereby declare "Looking for a Rain God" and all its related euphemisms (TM).
Err....I deleted the story because nobody would get it anyway.
But I do see it being used everywhere. WTF..
Go look for your own Rain God.

Also, FURB is registered trademark of Heaven, Zen, NERDwana & Co.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I am Jane and I want to Fly

I want to fly...
Far far away
to a place where I will find eternal bliss.
And I need someone who can take me there...

ACCA is just awesome like that:

And now I just need to wait for the right time...

Still listening to Sunlounger.
That man is a GENIUS!!

World, here I come..

I am Jane slowly going mad...

I've been writing the whole day.
And when I say writing, I mean HAND writing.
Actually I covered all grounds when it comes to writing today.
I did my articles,
I'm writing my blog,
I rewrote answers to the practice questions.
And I rewrote my notes.
I know.
I'm damn OCD.
I like my notes properly handwritten.
Not even type-written, okay.
Actually I do like type-written, nicely printed out notes,
but if they were my own notes,
I wouldn't read them unless they were handwritten by ME.

My hands hurt so badly I think they're going to drop off.
My thumb has a huge callus on it,
and my middle finger looks pregnant.
Brings a whole new meaning to showing your middle finger huh?
I think I will have carpal tunnel syndrome by the end of this week.
I swear.

And back to the topics.
I'm slowly going insane.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm being hypnotized.
By....

iTunes visualizer.
If only I had a nice MacBook to go with it...
and a nice iPhone too..
Ohmigod, since when did I become a Mac fan?
I always liked MacBooks, but iPhone?
I think I'm succumbing to peer pressure...

And the song to go with it?




Sunlounger-Another Day on the Terrace by Armin Van Buuren.

After David Guetta, Armin Van Buuren is my next favourite DJ.
Heck, after listening to this, he may very well take Guetta's place in my heart!

Trance is not just loud music and repetitive bass.
Trance is not how the ah bengs like it.
It is not all Ching Chong Ching Chong
Tong Tiang Tong Tiang (suddenly, it sounds like a CNY song)

I love this song.
Perfect for winding down.
Coupled with the visualizer,
I'm high and I'm not even under any drug or alcohol influence.

I get literally lost in space.
Erm, beach.
Can't decide which one.
The visualizers take me out of this world, (if only I had a big LCD screen)
And the song takes me back to the beach.
I feel as if I want to drop everything and run to Redang.
Now, I shall commence with my getting-lost-ness...
The whole set is F-ucking awesome.
I have it in my car.
Bhavini claims that I drive more calmly while listening to it.
I now enjoy long drives and heavy pours on the road...
My favourite part is the guitar solo (or not-so-solo) around 17:17.

I shall stare at the visualizer until I fall asleep.
Hopefully I will have a fantastic dream.

I'm in paradise.
Anything,
just to spend another day on the terrace...

I am Jane's tears

You will never know how you make me feel.

I doubt you care,
I doubt you will even think twice,
I doubt it will even affect you.

You used to know me so well,
You used to care,
And then you got bored,
And you didn't bother no more.
It hurts to know that you don't know me anymore.
It hurts to know that I have to put up a front with you now.
It hurts to know that I cannot be myself anymore

I used to cry to you,
but now I'm crying about you.

In the end, you will never know.




P/s: This is something I wrote a few months ago. I never thought I could still write something like this. This version has been heavily edited and censored.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I am Jane's Top 5 Treat List

Obviously, my wishlist extends way beyond five things (hello? I belong to the female species!). But if I were given a chance to make any five of them come true, this would be my list for the foreseeable future :
1. Passport to the world
This is it, my final semester. I've been counting down ever since the day I started ACCA. Sure, I do enjoy some of the papers, but there are some I swear I'd never want to see ever again. People have always given me encouragement, telling me that I can do much more than I think I can, giving me hope that maybe there's much more to me than even I know. That's why I chose ACCA instead of a normal degree. It is my passport to the world, and to the rest of my life. I have given 20 years of my life to my parents and other people's expectations of me. I have fulfilled them and it is now time for me to live my own dreams. I hope I will land a job that I will be so passionate about, I won't mind spending late nights in the office. And for that, I hope I will pass my final three papers. (reminder to self: stop staring at laptop and study more)

2. Two months in Redang
For the last three years, I have not had a proper holiday. That is an ACCA's student life. Shish!! No wonder people call us boring. Except for my own self-declared holidays and late night drinking expeditions, my life has been the same-old "attend-freaking-long-lectures-from-8am-to-9pm" routine (I am not a person of routine. Now I'm wondering how I survived the three years) from January to April and July to October, Exam Exiles every May and November, with my exams starting in June and December respectively, I am only left with two weeks of holidays while my counterparts in other courses have three months of semester break. I think two months in Redang by the beach and clear blue sea would make up for lost time. And I'm not being unrealistic, wanting to go to Bora Bora and Miami, who wouldn't want to? At least in Redang I'll be away from home, but close enough not to feel homesick.

3. Shopping trip to Hong Kong
And when I've finally gained my sanity back and achieved a state of 'zen' and 'gemeinschaftsgefuhl', I shall fly over to Hong Kong, (where I hope I will meet prospective employers), and spend about two weeks there just wondering the streets, shopping, eating, sight-seeing and enjoying life. I've been to Hong Kong when I was 14. I loved it there (except for the culture and the crime rates), but my parents had to spoil it by joining a freaking tour which took us from one factory to another. Which 14 year old wants to buy Jade pendants and funny Chinese herbs? On the flight back, full of resentment and dissatisfaction, I vowed that I would be back, by myself, so that I would be able to call the shots and make up my own itinerary. One that will obviously not involve me waking up in the morning.

3. Gym membership for three months
I've been to gym before, the first time, I just dragged myself there because I knew it was good for me. I never believed in gym. I never understood why people would want to run on a treadmill like hamsters on a wheel. But two weeks ago, I went for a trial, and I really enjoyed it. I guess it's just one of those things that has its own time and place, and I think I found mine. It's time to get into shape! Now, I have an even better goal. I will not only revert to my old shape, but be better than that.

5. The Dell Inspiron 13
My laptop is dying. There's this hole in the LCD screen (I swear I didn't poke a hole in my LCD) and it's getting bigger and bigger every time I stare at it (maybe I should stop staring). My lappy is almost four years ago. I remember how much I hated it when I first got it because my parents refused to listen to me when I told them what I wanted. It caused me a lot of pain and frustrations (and money as well as time), but it has served me well. Heck, only an IBM can withstand having being dropped onto the ground from a shelf while still running (again, I didn't drop it). But it's time to move on now. I need a new laptop, this one is slowly dying. And that's why the Dell Inspiron 13 will be a perfect fit.

The Obsidian Black body will remind me of my IBM, and of course, it will be the perfect travelling companion. I am a tech-geek. I love gadgets and the internet is the one thing that I need during "Me" time. I "LOVEEEEE" slim gadgets compared to bulky ones (the Dell Inspiron 13 measures only 1 inch thick), and it weighs only 2.22kg (would be a great relieve after so many years of lugging the heavy IBM around)! It would be perfect for me to carry around. Best of all, it has a 13.3 inch widescreen, perfect watching movies!
I feel the start of a new chapter coming, and right now, I'm so motivated to study, I'm going to sit at my desk for at least four hours non-stop!

If you want a Dell Inspiron 13 yourself, you can get an immediate RM100 in cash redemption when you call 1800-88-0301 to make an order with this special code 7ZQVQF2RLZRKW3.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I am Jane an angry consumer

Angry.
Pfft!
When am I not?

This whole week has been a total drill for me, classes starting at 9am, ending about 5-6pm.
And then not being able to resist the temptation to go to Pyramid.
I was feeling sick on Thursday, and I decided to get some instant liquid vitamin boosters.

There's this little stall called Berry Passion located on LG1 near the ice skating rink.
Above it is Coffee Bean,
And below it is New Zealand Natural.

I'm not advocating them, and I'm definitely not doing free advertising for them.
As I was walking towards the stall,
I saw this tower banner on the right that said "Pink Lady: Ladies who are wearing pink (anything pink at all) get drinks at RM5"
And so I thought "Wow, for a change, this must be my lucky day!"
And so I go up to the counter, and I chose my drink,
All this while the idiot foreigner of a cashier speaks broken English in some weird slang and keeps asking me if I understand what he's saying.
At first I just nod out of politeness but after that I think that was just part of his stupid scam.
After I made my order, I saw that he had punched in RM9.90 instead of RM5.
When I asked him, his English suddenly became so bad that he couldn't understand what I was saying or neither could he understand what the banner read.
This is how the conversation went:

Me : Oh, I thought it was RM5.
Him: No, RM 9.90.
Me : But it says there that ladies wearing pink get to buy the drink at RM5.
Him: But you not wearing pink.
Me : What?
Him: Only for ladies wear pink.
Me : But I'm wearing pink. (I don't usually wear pink, that was just one of those days and how dare he take that right away from me!)
Him: Beraildwaehi kadaj (I swear it sounded something like that)
Me : What?
Him: You not wearing pink.
Me : Then what colour is this? (pointing to my shirt)
Him: That is not pink.
Me : *rolls eyes and suddenly all the pent up frustrations for the day come back up.
SSM: (SSM is my friend) Okay, then how about this? This is pink. (points at the HOT PINK motives on her T-shirt)
Him: That is not pink.
Me : Then what colour is it?
Him: That is brown.
Me : What?
Him: That is bwonoielirh
Me : I'm sorry, you're not making any sense. (When I say things that bluntly, you know you're going to get it from me)
Him: RM9.90
Me : I want to speak to your manager.
Him: OLIJAJLROIJLWAR
Me : I'm sorry your English is horrible, can you get someone else here.
Him: RM9.90 please.
Me : *leaves.

I was going to take a picture of that banner and send it to the Tribunal court or at least come back another day to make a report. But dumb ass wasn't so dumb after all. He got out of the counter and removed the banner. WHAT THE FUCK? Is this some kind of new scam? Its not about the extra RM4.90. It's about being cheated and knowing your rights. If I ever go back to Berry Passion, I'll be sure to speak to the manager. You wait and see.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I am Jane in Exam Exile

Exam exile has started,
Although this semester I'm trying something new.
The usual exam exile is implemented.
But I'm going to be a bit more flexible about my study habits.
Hopefully, I will be more motivated to study.
Never too late, right?
So far:

  • Motivation - check
  • Labelling - check
  • Filing - check
  • Arrangement - check
  • Materials - sufficient
  • Will power - check
  • Determination - check
  • Guidance - somewhat sufficient
  • Time management - somewhat in tact
  • Discipline - horribly missing
  • Luck - praying I'll find it soon

I just realised that not only is life a bitch, it's full of bitches too. =)

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am Jane very irritated

Please explain to me why you would eat other people's food?
If the package was not open, and you STEAL the package, at least I understand.
But finishing up other people's half-drunk milk?
WHAT THE EFF?!!!
Fucking go buy your own groceries.
I don't intend to feed strangers.
I ain't your mamma.
And I definitely ain't some charitable organization.
I can't help but be racist.
Every person I've met from that country is fucking RETARDED.
And they ALL steal food.
And they ALL like to dirty the kitchen.
And I can't help but wonder what they do in the toilet because it feels like they've never bathed for years;
Once they come out, the whole floor is black, and there's slime everywhere.

FUCK YOU BITCHES!! I HOPE THE MILK GIVES YOU A STOMACH ACHE AND EXCRUCIATING DIARRHOEA IN COLLEGE!!
I'm cursing because I don't have time to go do grocery shoppings and here these people are, nicely drinking my milk.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I am Jane's new doctor

I like this new doctor! When my stupid toe got injured, it was already about 8.30pm and my usual doctor had closed, and so I went to one of those 24-hour Mediviron clinics opposite the Pyramid. I have to tell you, for the extra you pay, they really do a good job! At least this doctor does, however, for some reason, the first doctor I saw insisted that I came every day to change my dressing. It has been exactly a week now, imagine if I had to go everyday, I would have been broke by now. Wait, I actually AM broke. Okay, maybe I would be broke-er.

So yes, Dr. Raymond of Mediviron Clinic is highly recommended by me, especially if you have wounds you need to dress. I don't know about medication and consultation, but if he can dress wounds so well, you really ought to respect the man. I think he's an aspiring politician because there was a book with Mahathir's face on it entitled "WAKE UP CALL" or something like that, and he told me "Accountants are very important in the country, so when I become prime minister, will you help me out?". I'm sorry, but I found every part of that sentence so funny that all I could do was just put on a stupid grin.

For the record, I hate doctors, I hate clinics, I hate needles, and I hate blood. Hence, I am not a medical student. And I definitely dislike seeing others in pain and I definitely am a perfectionist in that I need everything to be perfect. I can look at a person who has been handicap since birth as normal, but if you got decapitated, there's just something inside me that gets ticked off, and I start feeling very irritated because something that was once perfect, isn't anymore. Hence the loss of my toe-nail is something very big to me. And for me to recommend a doctor would mean that I felt NOTHING when he had to remove the gauze of my still-sticky wound.

I was supposed to see him yesterday, but right before my turn, two Indian men came in, bleeding profusely from his heels. I was okay when he entered the examination room, but as time passed by, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on there, and I knew that he'd definitely be lying on that bed...and BLEEDING!! And I was going to lie there as well. I'm not being racist or anything, but ANYONE can have AIDS okay? So imagine if there was left over blood there, and I had some unknown wound which came in contact with the blood. And it was so disgusting, he was bleeding all over the floor and the nurse just left it in a puddle there for everyone to step on. And I assure you when I say puddle, I mean POOLS of thick red blood. So, I chickened out and went home because my heart was racing so fast and I could feel my head going light and my knees going soft. I went back early in the morning (think 7am) and he had all the time in the world for me, maybe that's why he took his time to peel it off. I also found out that the Indian guy who was looking all tough the night before, dripping his blood on to the ground and looking like he didn't feel a thing went into the examination room and turned into a complete girl, refusing to let the doctor do anything (Ahem, but wait, I AM a girl, so I get to act that way, okay?)

And that is my very unique doctor's visit. Exam Exile starts today.

p/s: On another note, I don't know why, but I think my friends are trying to kill me, making me drive to places that are definitely JAMMED and PACKED and its a WEEKEND! I don't understand how the fact that I have a car now means that she doesn't have to drive anymore and that I have to drive to some 'godforsakenplace'.

p/p/s: I know I never fell in love with my car, but I definitely am planning to keep it in tip top condition just so I can get a better price for it next year. What I don't understand is how people don't understand how my heart hurts when they abuse my car, like putting Park and pressing on the accelerator, I feel my heart being ripped off everytime.. Car, car, please don't break down on me ever.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I am Jane wishing I never existed

Dear God,
I need some answers.
First, what are you trying to prove to me because I'm having a hard time learning this life lesson.
I know that we should give our best, and leave the rest to you,
but why do you make it so hard for me?
I try and try, to the point that I'm a control freak,
making up for the things I cannot control,
compensating for the things that are bound to happen,
but no, everything goes wrong anyway.
And it's not just ONE THING.
It's a few things that do not only affect me NOW, but later on as well.
I feel like screaming at You, but it's not like you're anywhere around me for me to scream at.
I don't have anyone I can scream at who will understand,
the one person who does understand me is misunderstanding me,
and for that I'm so pissed at him that I feel like hating him for the first time.
I wish I'd never wake up and because of that I sleep ridiculous amounts of hours.
I put others first before myself, but I always end up getting hurt,
even having other people accusing me of deserving what I get,
just because they take advantage of me and step all over me.
I think of how my actions affect others,
only to hurt myself and the ones who actually love me.
I try to please everyone,
only to end up being very frustrated and unpleased myself,
of which nobody cares anyway.
Because it's always them them them,
never me me me.

My very existence hurts me.
I am in pain emotionally, physically and mentally.
I am so angry at You for even allowing me to exist.
If You want me to go insane can I go already?
I won't even fight it.
If You want me dead can You end it already?
I don't want to feel anymore.
Life is just so painful for me.
I don't want this to be just a painful stretch that I won't even remember next time.
I don't want to look at my re-grown toenail and just remember that I once lost it.
I want to get something out of it.
I don't want this to just be a phase in my life.

I'm surrounded by all these people who don't really care about me genuinely.
I'm surrounded by selfish people who want something out of me.
I'm surrounded by people who wouldn't even cry if I were dead tomorrow.
I'm surrounded by people
but yet I feel so alone.

Tell me God, am I such a bad person to deserve all this?
Was I such a bad person that I'm paying my debts now?
I'm just so angry at You.
I try not to, but I just am.
I want this to end.
I can't take it anymore.
Must I jump to prove a point?
What do You want from me?
I don't want to feel all this anymore.

I don't want the best life ever.
I don't want such luck that I'd win the lottery 10 times in a row.
But I definitely don't want such bad luck that challenges the viability of Murphy's law.
I just want to be normal.
I'd give anything for all this to stop.
Why do You hurt me?

I try and try.
But why do You keep treating me this way?
I try.
And I try never to give up.
But it's becoming more and more difficult.
I try.
Maybe the problem is that I AM trying.
Are you telling me that I should let go and let whatever be, be?
Should I just sit here and wait for divine intervention?

LISTEN TO ME GOD!!!

(I was in this shop buying a gift for a friend, being in my usual hasty mode when i need to be efficient coz i wanted to go home quick. i pointed at the gift, asked them to get it out, and here this stupid sales girl was, just standing there waiting for the other client who wasn't even sure if he wanted that wallet or not to make a decision. and while i was waiting angrily, this guy walks backwards INTO ME while i was leaning against the glass counter, my toenail got hooked onto his freaking thick skating shoes, and then rips my toenail off, and he runs off out of the shop...and there i was in pain bleeding on to the floor, bloody woman is still waiting for possible client to make decision, looks at me, and then looks back, and when i asked her for a plaster, she asks one of the other sales girls to get one, nobody had one, so i had to bleed all the way to guardian. the freaking mini-operation hurt like a bitch, the doctor didn't give me any anaesthetics coz the toenail was almost all out anyway, so he just pulled it out. that's not the cherry on top of the icing. for the next 2-3 weeks depending on the doctor's mood, i will have to CONSTANTLY go back to the clinic to endure the same agonizing pain as the doctor rips out the gauze to change the dressing. and i will be toenail-less for about a year. which means that i won't be able to do much coz i won't be able to wear proper shoes. and i have to go for interviews soon. and it's not like i can go up to my future employee and tell him "by the way, i'm not wearing proper court shoes because i'm missing a toenail". i really don't understand. i really don't. i feel like screaming at god and saying "I GIVE UP! I'm just going to sit here and wait for your great divine intervention". i don't expect everything to go my way, but i do hope that everything doesn't go wrong either! and so far, it has. i can't even walk properly. and it's just a freaking toenail! if life's like that when im only 20, i wonder what it's going to be like when im 40.)

Please enlighten me. How do you expect me to not be angry? How do you expect me to be all calm and zen? There're a lot of people I hate out there, but let's just make this easier: I HATE ME

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I am Jane's questions in life

I can't seem to comprehend...

  1. We all have established that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. My question is: if all us stupid women are waiting around, dreaming that our prince charming will one day sweep us off our feet, and when we do kiss, fireworks would explode, then tell me; what are men waiting for? Don't give me that stupid "We're just more practical, we only think about the present".
  2. Women are apparently the only one who put so much importance into feelings, always wanting to be 'honest' and talk about 'feelings' and I don't see what's wrong with it. Shall we just one day wake up and say "Sorry, I don't want to see you anymore." To which you will ask why and our answer would still have something to do with feelings, but a very simple "I just don't feel like it anymore." At which point it'd be too late to talk about feelings anymore and hence, it becomes our fault because you guys refuse to talk about feelings all the while.
I'm starting to hate MAN-kind. Please donate your sperm to the sperm bank at which their DNA will be analyzed to see if they have the X chromosome or the Y chromosome so that the Y chromosome DNAs (which are, in fact, defective products) can be disposed off. Your sperm cells of which contain X chromosomes will then, further be cloned and genetically modified just to provide variety without the need of you. After which, you all will face genocide, and the world will be a very beautiful place.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am Jane's old friend

Feels like old times again.
Used to be the phone, now it's online.
I don't know.

This is the shortest post ever..

Monday, October 19, 2009

I am Jane enlightened

I think I'm on track now..
I need to practise what I preach.
I'm having this conversation right now.
I can't put in the details here,
but I think I see the light now.
All this while I have been just so angry.
Little did I know it has been preparing me for later on.
Next year, to be specific.

You can change your job,
But you can't change your mum.
Its so easy to blame everything else.
Until you look into the mirror.
Sounds familiar.
But I think I've finally learnt the true meaning of it.

I know I'm still doing it,
running away from my problems rather than facing them.
But I think even though I want to go away and start anew,
I'm still very adamant about finishing all that I've started here.
Clearing up backlogs.
And reconciling mistakes.
I also want to set things straight,
be a better person,
Be comfortable enough to strut this new personality out,
Right what I have wronged,
Un-step all that has been stepped on (pun intended, sarcasm too)
Un-use what has been used (refer above)
And then I will move on with my life.
I will still leave.
Not because I'm running away,
but because my chapter here has ended.

Sweet Dreams by Annie Lenox has always been my all-time favourite.
Maybe sub-consciously because of the lyrics,

And then one day, they hit me like a bullet train.




"Some of them want to use you, some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused."

You won't understand,
but know that I intend to live the other part of the lyrics as well.

First, to
"Hold your head up, keep your head up.
Moving on"

And then
"I traveled the world and the seven seas,
Everybody's looking for something"

But I always knew that

"Sweet dreams are made of this."

And "Who am I to disagree?" ;)

Thank you, Annie Lennox. Maybe you felt the same way when you were writing the lyrics as I did when the lyrics of your song made sense to me..Thank you anyway, for singing the song 6 years before I was born.



But as they always say,

It is easier said than done.
Funny thing is, I've actually done it.
And now, I'm just saying it.
But will I remember how to act this way later on?

I am Jane's new leaf

I've been going to gym consistently.
Well, I try.
And I think I did put in a lot of determination.
The only reasons why I didn't go was because
I went home,
I wasn't in Sunway,
I had other things to do.
I even went the day before my exam!

When Sunil was going to gym in 2006, he constantly nagged me about how great exercise is (note: not how important, okay?).
How it makes you feel good,
How it works as a stress buster,
How it just works and shit.
I never listened.
I never liked exercising.
I HATED exercising.
Some how, to me, exercising = running
Running = something I can't do = I'll just get asthma and die there
Even when I was going to True Fitness I didn't feel like this.
But I have to say that going to True Fitness is part of the reason why I like gym now.
I slowly developed a routine,
And slowly pushed the self-consciousness out of my head (although it is definitely still there)
only to replace it with will-power, determination and the need to improve.
It used to be "I have to do this because it's good for me"
And then it became "I have to do this because I want to look and feel good"
And now, it's "I just have to do this because it makes me feel so much better overall"


Yes, I have a new goal in life.
I don't only want to look good,
I want to feel good as well.
I know I've been talking about this for a gazillion years and never achieved any results and starting to sound like a pro-ana failure, but I think this is it.
I used to think that I lost a lot of weight last time because I just didn't eat and slept through the whole day,
but then I started to realise that I DID exercise.
I played a lot of tennis.
Heck, I wasn't really good at it, but I really did enjoy it.
I used to skip school and call in sick,
but I'd still go for tennis in the evenings.
Worse still, in order to reach the tennis court by foot,
I have to cross the house of my then-discipline teacher who'd always be sitting outside watching over her son.
I don't need a supermodel body, I just want to be comfortable looking at myself in the mirror.

Don't diss me.
I know I sound damn shallow saying all that,
but I know how it feels to be both sizes.
It does affect your self-confidence and in turn, every other aspect of your life.

So here's to a new dawn.

When I was in Form 2, I used to weigh 60 kg,
I started losing weight after PMR.
At one point, my weight dropped to 35 kg.
That was the lowest I went.
And then everything went erm...
'Downhill' since then.
Mid July, I weighed in at 70 kg.
Today, I weigh 68 kg.
I'm literally two of 'me'
My goal is 40kg.
I don't know how long it's going to take,
but I definitely know this is it.
I just have to put in more effort,
Once I have the momentum,
and once I start seeing results,
the rest will be easy-peasy..

Oh, wait. I forgot one minor detail.
I have to work on time management.
All this gym thing is also making me feel very productive.
And I do need to put this productivity to great use.
Wish me luck!

On a side note, my best friend's coming back soon!! =D

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I am Jane the Perfectionist

Being a perfectionist doesn't stop at having the things you do in perfect order.
It means that EVERYTHING that you have in your control has to be PERFECT.
I am a perfectionist to the core.
I either do something perfectly,
or I don't do it at all.
Or if I'm forced to, I'd just meet requirements in the quickest time possible.
Same goes for my property.
I need to have them in perfect condition.
I do not trust ANYONE with my property.
And I believe I am right in doing so.
Why?
Because everytime somebody else handles my property,
it's sure to go missing,
or come back broken,
or totally damaged.

There's is a fine line between sharing things with people you like,
and being stingy.
Needing everything to be in order,
and being calculative
Being possessive,
and being attached to your property.

I'M ATTACHED TO EVERYTHING I OWN!!!
I don't buy things because they're cheap just because I feel the need to make use of the best bargain,
I buy things because I need them because I WANT them.
It's not okay to lose something just because it's cheap.
It's definitely NOT okay to lose someone else's things which they've owned since they were a kid.
Yes, it didn't cost me anything,
and it will cost you peanuts to replace it.
But I will be emotionally damaged.

I swear...everyone is driving me nuts...
I think the ex is right.
I'm better off living in a big house with a big compound with my dog and a fence with a "PRIVATE PROPERTY. Trespassers will be prosecuted" sign board outside my gate.
ALONE.

I'm sorry I'm this way,
I wasn't brought up by millionaires who taught their daughter not to appreciate things.
I am sentimental.
Those things hold more than just monetary value to me.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am Jane wondering where God is now..

I know it's a stupid question okay, I'm just being bimbotic. Can?
There's this new application on Facebook.
It's called God Wants You To Know..

And so I thought, "Okay, God, what would You like me to know at this very horrible part of my life?"

This is what I got:

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

Know that I will be sleeping slightly better and a little bit more at peace tonight ;)

I am Jane's greatest fear

I was at home in Taiping for the past 4 days. Nope, I'm not rejuvenated. I don't know how I'm going to carry on, but I know I have to. One night when I was there, I remember waking up in cold sweat from a nightmare of which I remember very well.

The dates matched reality, it was October 12 or something like that.
A letter came in the mail that morning, telling me that my ABRSM Grade 8 examination venue would be at Legend Inn Hotel (where it usually is in real life),
On 12 October 2009, 3pm.
Which meant that I had no time what so ever to practise or anything.
Well I had a few hours, but not enough for me to master what I need to.
I remember that heavy feeling in my heart.
Wishing I was dead.
I knew I was better off dead.
And then I realised "Wait a minute, I've already passed Grade 8!"
"And I did more than just pass, I got Merit or something.."
"WAKE UP!!!"

I forced myself to wake up,
But I couldn't go back to sleep.
Why? Because I knew in real life, I have an exam coming up in about a month,
I've been skipping classes,
I'm absolutely unprepared,
And I feel like I have nothing up there.
I know I have something up there, but it's hidden in some random corner waiting for me to dig it out again when I revise.

So yes, I have kakorrhaphiophobia,or more crudely put, kiasu-ism.
Not in everything,
but just studies.
I hate going into the exam knowing I didn't do my best.
I'm scared of going into the exam not knowing anything.
It doesn't mean that I'm stingy with knowledge, it just means that I feel the need to excel.
Every failure is like a blow towards my ability.
I get crippled with every F I get every semester.
But it's enough for me to want to do better the next time, with less confidence.
Because that's the only thing I do well,
which nobody can turn around and take away from me.
You can't take away my degree from me.
You can take my friends,
my happiness,
my sanity,
but you can't take away the fact that I have brains...
enough for me to be where I am today.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I am Jane and I am a control freak

You hear guys complaining about their girlfriends being fussy and petty all the time. I don't think there's anything wrong in that, I don't think that we should just take whatever that comes our way. There's really nothing wrong in being fussy.
And you have every right to be fussy if you know what you want.
Provided you're not fickle minded, that is.
Because then, you'd just be causing others a whole lot of problems.
The thing is we know what we want down to the "T", it saves us a lot of hassle of having to decide there and then, or even to settle for less.
So, no, I don't apologize for being fussy because I know what I want and I wouldn't have it any other way.

On another note, I am losing my OCD touch. I never lose things, because even though my space is a mess, it is an organized mess. I know where everything is exactly. And I HATE people touching my stuff and misplacing it. And I HATE inefficient, incompetent people who cause idle time to others as well.

There's an age old joke that makes fun of how women want to be in control of their own lives. Who doesn't? Maybe it's because guys these days have no balls. The thing is women have come a long way and I think we deserve to be in control of our own lives because we do a pretty good job at it. We think way ahead of guys and we can definitely think faster plus we pay more attention to details. The only think we have to pull us down is our emotional side, and the bitching. No one's perfect, right?

I'm just bitching now because suddenly, I've realised that I am slowly losing control of my own life. AND I DON'T LIKE IT. I cant believe I'm saying this, but I want to go home badly now. And I want my crazy hour classes to start soon. I want to be left alone, and then I know I will put everything back into order and be in control of my life again. I am a control freak, I know it, and I'm embracing it as a woman. I'm out of my elements, I'm losing things, misplacing them, dropping them. I keep forgetting things and I keep clashing up my appointments. I never needed an organizer, but I think I do now. I need to be in control again, badly. I need to because it's good for me. I control my own fate and my destiny is in my own hands. No one should be allowed to decide for me because they are not the ones who will have to bear the consequences..

I'm talking nonsense again because I'm not in the right state of mind...meh!

I am another one of Jane's self-realization moments

I am in the midst of replying to someone's email, when suddenly I realized that it is a privilege to be able to hit rock bottom. Well of course you don't intentionally dive down a ravine just so you can literally hit rock bottom in a figurative way, but I know many people who have never really felt like dying. Of course you have your occasional I'm-so-stressed-with-assignments-I-just-wish-I'd-die moments, and your He-left-me-so-now-I-have-no-meaning-in-life-anymore periods, but how many of you have really felt so damn mother fucking tired, that you can't even be bothered to smile, you can't even be bothered to move your eyeballs to look at a person, can't even be bothered to open your mouth for sounds to come out to defend something someone just said, no matter how wrong you know it is?

People talk about giving up, about wanting to let go. I finally understand what separates the people who give up easily from the people who know when to let go. I never did give up easily. I just didn't know how to let go. No matter how bleak the end looked, how non-beneficial it maybe, I always tried to finish what I'd started, unless there was someone there to put a stop to it. And even then I'd still be thinking of it, thinking of how-if's and would-have's and should-have's and would-be's. It was just this habit that I had. Sort of another one of my obsessive compulsions. Any parent would have thought it was a good thing. I finally decided to do ACCA during the midst of my Foundation year. At that point, the counselors told me that ACCA did not accept my foundation and that I had to start from CAT all over again. I refused to accept that and continued on with my Foundation anyway. I finished it, barely passing some of my last papers due to obsessive compulsive playing and loitering around. But the main point is that I finished. And ACCA did accept my qualifications because of my average grade. However, everyone forgets that even good habits have negative effects. Early last year, my friends and I decided to share a condominium in Lagoon View because we didn't like the fact that we had to share our room with strangers and have them touch our things without our permission, only to find them lying around somewhere else, in a non-usable condition. As in every case, I was the brains of the operation. But as luck would have had it, complications never even imaginable popped up. I don't know why I meet stupid people like this that get me into trouble. I swear. Fortunately, I wasn't dealing with one of those cut-throat agents and I managed to negotiate my way out of the whole mess after weeks and sleepless nights of exhausting all resources. That was the day I learnt to give up. The day I learnt that we can only plan, and the rest is up to God. He will have it any way He wants, only with the exception that we have to give it our all. That is knowing when to give up. When you've done all you've can, and you're certain you can do no more. It's so easy to explain, but so difficult to put into practise, because even those who give up easily will think that they're certain they can do no more. I guess it can only come with practice and experience.

Back to the main topic, I've been going through the Kubler-Ross model like a vicious perpetual cycle for the past three months; Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance, only to start right from the start again. I think I've done all I can. I know I've done my part. I fulfilled my promise, but I can't do no more. It's time for me to be selfish. Because I have a life too. Here I am, trying to simplify life for others, accommodate to them, with my own life only nagging at the back of my head. I need to learn that if I'm not selfish for myself, then no one will be. No one will be as accommodating as I am. No one will simplify my life for me. No one will study for me. And no one will decide my future for me. No one will do what it takes to reach the targets I've set. Well, my mum tries, but she fails miserably, and makes an even bigger mess for me to clean up.

After two decades of not seeing eye-to-eye with her, I'm slowly coming to terms with her. I still may not see eye to eye with her, but I'm slowly starting to understand where she's coming from. I think it's only when you let go of that stupid idea in your head, and make allowance for other possibilities that you realize that there is at least a slight tinge of truth in whatever that is you're fighting against.

They say that mothers know best. I used to disagree whole-heartedly. But now I understand that mothers THINK they know best, but they aren't exactly entirely wrong as well. For example, my mother told me that she really didn't like me staying in that house because she thought that I'd be bogged down with many other responsibilities of which aren't mine. In accounting, we call this substance over form. In form, there really wasn't much to it. Everyone would have thought it was a fantastic deal. But in substance, there are many other requisites to be fulfilled, some not even written in fine print, not even carried out as if it was expected of me, and some even denied down to the core. It is an Asian culture to respect your elders. You do not scream at them, you do not yell at them, you do not tell them they're wrong, and you definitely cannot confront them. I think that is where I picked up that I should never say 'no'. Why write them down, you ask. Well where else am I supposed to release all this anger? I cannot deny that having the brat was great joy and great companionship. But I had to constantly remind myself that he was not mine, that was the part that desolved what ever glue I had to hold myself together. In addition to that, I always had to deal with unnecessary stress. Of which I still have to deal with now. They don't know, because I keep quiet. I'm so tired they hear it in my voice, but I never tell them the reason. And the lies that they told me, to make me feel wanted to make me feel good. All just for their own benefit, it's like how you bribe the kitchen God with sticky sweet food every Chinese New Year so that they'd give a good report to their superior. I was fat with all the praises and I forgot who I was. My mother brought me down to earth. I did what she wanted me to do to keep her off my back, but I had to do what I want to keep my promise to my friend, and now that I have fulfilled my part of the promise, I find it fit for me to live my own life and I now find myself looking for lies to rid myself of the other person on my back. The difference is that this person isn't my actual mother, and I can't tell her the truth. I must remember that whatever I say can be twisted and turned and reported to a higher authority, of which I either have to answer to, or would be so filled with lies that I wouldn't even have a chance to defend myself. But I have done all I can, and I think it's time for me to be selfish.

If I had stayed on wherever I was, I definitely wouldn't have all these problems. Now even the other person is going to think that I intentionally left the hostel to help them. I didn't. I just wanted my own space, and I thought that I'd have all the space I want there, but it turned out the total opposite. Now that I'm back, I see that my mother was right. The house is the root of all the problems. But like I said, my mother only THINKS she knows best for me. She only gave me a few days to find a place to stay, and if she had waited a bit more, I would have saved us both a lot of money and frustration. I'm back under the hostel, and I have no complains because I have no boyfriend or even boy friend to want to sneak in. But I am reminded constantly of their inefficiency and their stupidity and their sheer laziness that I really regret even wanting to come back. I cannot for the life of me understand people who do not have passion for their jobs. Why bother working in the first place? If you're unhappy with your job, you should constantly be looking for another job that suits you. I do agree that you need money to put food on the table, but if you know you don't like your job, just carry on until the opportunity for you to find a better suited job comes up. But no, they'd stick to this stupid job, and make life harder for everyone. I don't want to shoot myself. I want you all to shoot YOURSELVES. Plainly because you deserve it. I know I live in an idealistic world of my own. But don't you agree that if you want something so badly, if you want quality of life, you have to work for it? You have to constantly look for windows of opportunities opening up? No one ever got to where they were just sitting down.

Like I said before, it's a privilege to have hit rock bottom. Because the only way to look when you're way down there, is up. Billie Jean said that pressure is a privilege. These are the little things in life we moan and groan about, but we do not realise that these are the things that make us who we are. I was and always am under pressure. But I love it, and whole-heartedly embrace it. Because I know that pressure is what got me here, and pressure is what's going to take me further. Sure, you can become somebody if you've never hit rock bottom. But you don't realise your full potential. It takes way much more effort to be able to pull yourself up and rise again. And once you're at it, you'd be able to pull yourself all the way up to the top. THAT is something that people who have never hit rock bottom will find difficult to achieve. I love the fact that I am obsessive and compulsive. I love the fact that the littlest detail has to be perfect before it surpasses me. I love the fact that I get paranoid that it's not. I love the fact that I get emotionally drained because things don't go my way because I see them to be so perfect in all their entirety.

And what is rock bottom, you may ask? In the simplest way described,

When you see all the doors slammed in your face,
When you look around and find that no one understands you (usually a delusion),
When you knowingly perform a self-destructing act consecutively just so you can run away from reality,
When you want to cry, but the tears won't fall and there's something stuck in your throat,
When you lie down in bed,
and feel as if your brain is pleading for your heart to pump,
for your trachea to open up for air to enter and exit,
your lungs feel as if they've they have a 20 tonne weight on each of them,
every single passage in your respiratory system seems to have shut its doors,
it feels as if the air has to force its way through the trachea,
the larynx,
each bronchi,
every bronchus
every bronchiole
until each and every aveoli,
only to find that it would need to force its way out again.
Your eyes are closed,
you lay in complete silence,
the air-conditioner is the only thing you can hear,
but your thoughts are racing through your mind,
they won't let you sleep,
in pitch black silence you feel as if you're surrounded by voices reminding you that you need to wake up tomorrow,
you wish you'd fall asleep,
you wish you'd never wake up,
only to wake up tomorrow,
knowing that you have to face all that all over again,
wondering when it would end.

I think the hardest lesson for me to learn is to speak up for myself, to rid myself of this low self-esteem, to know that I am as important as everyone else, and to let others know that I too want to be happy. So far I've only been able to do that to the closest of my friends. And even that, sometimes he misunderstands me. Let me rephrase that, he always does, and he has no idea how important he is to me. But I know that I was, but never am, of same importance to him. That's life. When you move past that stage of depression and all-time low, you only remember the person who was there for you, not what he/ she did for you. I think, right now, I really can't be bothered if he ever found out what I think about him, because I think I trust him enough to know me not to confront him with such things. So am I now in the acceptance stage, or the bargaining stage?

It's weird how these wise old people come up to you and give you advice about life. They're not exactly wrong, but they aren't entirely true either. It's just that the advice they're giving is way too general, and they've past that stage way too long ago to remember the finer points. I like days when I make sense of it, only to uncover the exceptions to the rules written in fine print.

Please excuse me, I have to go and pick up a cheque that is not mine.

post note: I need to ascertain time and time again that he is NOT my boyfriend, never was, never will be. And I most certainly do not have a crush on him. Our relationship is purely platonic (I know it's hard to believe, but I found a keeper) and will never go the other way, I wouldn't want it to go in direction. He's just a very big part of my life, because he was there when I bloomed, and he helped shaped me and mold me. He will never know this, but I owe much of my character to him. I was lifeless before I came to KL. I only got my personality after that. And he was with me all the way, until now. That, is another story for another day.


All my blogs are of anger, depression, frustration, disappointment. I need something else to write about!!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am Jane out of my elements



The title of this post was supposed to be something else,
about me losing my touch.
Becoming disorganize and oblivious.

I'm not at the verge of breaking anymore..
I am already breaking.
I really can't take anything anymore.
I scream and shout,
but my voice is drowned out by everybody's.
I'm drowning, sinking..slowly dying...

Somehow, I remembered the song.
And then I realised that I was always alone...

I'm caught in a one way street, with the monsters in my head, while my hopes and dreams are far away..

I am Jane, the cause of my misery

Can't deny that I am the cause of my own misery.
I feel like crap now..
Really really crappy crap..
So bad I feel like I curling up in a corner and dying there.
I wish Kaiser was a man...
At least he's sensitive towards my feelings
Why am I feeling like this.

Once again, I rocked the boat and now I have to bear the consequences.
All of a sudden I don't feel like talking about it.

I feel like crap.

Please kill me. Do me a favour, end the cause of my misery.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I am Jane trying to keep her cool

Relax Jane, relax.
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breathe out...

It was an accident...

OHMIGODTHEYARETRYINGTOKILLMYBABY!!!
:'(

why do things like this ONLY happen to me and my possessions??
WHY WHY WHYY!!!

I never wished I was any more dead than I am now..
God, if you're listening, I don't want to play this game anymore.
It's not fun AT ALL!!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I am Jane's screaming wardrobe

They say you only wear 20% of whatever you have in your wardrobe. I think I only put 10% into use.

So many pretty clothes.
They still look so new and definitely never out of fashion.
I always get complemented for my taste.
Everything needs to be pleasing to the eye.

I don't know when I let myself go.
I don't know when I started becoming lazy and NOT care.
I don't know why I don't have the same determination I had before.

So many pretty clothes.
All mine.
But none I can fit into without looking into the mirror and wanting to puke.

Start today!!

Oh, wait. There's that Sushi lunch appointment with Sam, Sasha and Hasan.
Okay, right after that. No more excuses.
Think of all the good times..

I am Jane bumming around

It's official. I'm a bummer. Oh-Ammm-Gee!!
I need to stop this self-destructing habit.
I need to study if I want to leave next year.
I need to. I have no excuse.
I know I have to leave Kaiser.
It breaks my heart to.
But I have no choice.
Now if he were MY dog, that would be a different story.
But he's not. No matter how much I love him as my own he's not.
I want to go home.
Home to me is where I can be at peace.
And right now that's in my RM920 room!!

I'm currently packing to leave.
I know I promised to come visit, but I can only do so until November.
This isn't fair to me.
I think I know what's best for me.
And I know I can't study here.
Kaiser knows I'm leaving.
He doesn't like it.
I understand that.
He needs to know I love him as well.
But this is my future and my happiness at stake.
He fell asleep in the corner while I was packing.
He had a nightmare and started whimpering.
I picked him up and hugged him close.
He just let me.
I think I can guess as much what his nightmare was.
But I can't.
All these guilt trips are not meant for me.
Don't make me say nasty things.
Don't make me point out selfishness.
Ohmigod.



I just want to be myself.
By myself.
I. Want. To. Be. F.R.E.E.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I am Jane's quickie before bed

A very close friend just messaged me on MSN 10 minutes ago and we had one of those conversations that reminded me why we were close. There are days when I just want to distant myself from him, and there are even days when I feel like he and I aren't really friends anymore. Those are the days when I feel like he will not honour his promise to me. And yet, time and time again, at that very point just before I give up, he comes in with these kind of conversation to remind me exactly that. People say you can find plenty of friends who are ever willing to have fun and laugh with you. But this friend is always closer when I need to cry (or when he needs to cry) whereas when we're just talking nonsense, he and I have drifted apart over the years. It's like we're not in the same wavelength anymore. It's so weird. It's not like I'm no fun. We used to hang out every single day. We used to love each other's company. And for people like us who love our personal space, I think that's really impossible. But like I said, I outgrow people way faster than anyone else. And I can't just sit and wait for them to grow up at my own expense, I want to know everything that I'm capable of. And so, we drift apart, and I am definitely the one who grows out of the wavelength. But I'm glad we still share heart to heart conversations. People think that I am at times, immature. I can't be mature in everything, but I am definitely, out of my own league. I know it for sure, because can you imagine that this guy is three years older than I am, who is considered by everyone to be more mature for his age, but yet when we met three years ago, we were on the same wavelength, and today, I've outgrown the things he loves doing? I'm not saying I'm boring, I've just gone pass teasing and screaming like a mad woman, to a certain extent. We still hangout, but it doesn't feel anything like what we used to anymore.

This friend was feeling unusually depressed because he had just gone clubbing with his friends, and it didn't feel anything like what he used to do when he was here. The fact is, it can really never be the same, can it? If it were the same, it would be useless to go over there. He missed how he used to be able to pick up girls easily here, but there's no one there who wouldn't think that he's looking for a one night stand. Apparently he feels like a loser, so imagine how other ordinary guys feel. And now, after fooling around for more than a year in Malaysia, and almost a year of 'celibacy', he now wants a girlfriend for fun and to hug and cuddle with. When he said that, my stupid idealistic bubble just burst. And I remembered why I was in a relationship. I know I just got out of one, and I'm definitely not looking now, but one day I'm going to feel like that. And that feeling SUCKS. I know that the other person is feeling it too, but we're better off apart for both our own good. Right now, I'm pretty sure what I want my relationship status is, but what's going to happen when that feeling strikes? And it's not like there are warning signs or anything.

Why are we made this way? Adam and Eve? To complement each other, to be life partners. Why do we have this stupid urge to find our significant other, and hopefully one who will last? And when we do, we go through a honeymoon period where we try to be each other's ideal partner, only to find out that we're not when the period is over and our eyes are opened. We get stuck in routines, we get bored, we wonder what if, we fight, we make up, and then we fight some more, only to fit the stereotype of what society deems fit as a 'couple', and then we fight and we fight some more, we cry, sometimes we make up, other times it just ends. Rinse and repeat. It's not like we don't love each other when we're together, we just fall out of love sometimes. And other times, we love the person so much we don't want to ever see ourselves hating each other. Why are we so complicated? Why do we need to be in a relationship? Why do we need that stupid mushy feeling when we get cuddled? Why do we smile when we wake up to the other person's face? Why do you feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when that person hugs you? Why do you feel like no one else but you matters to him when he kisses you? And that stupid perpetual smile on your face when you're walking hand in hand in public. And then you want more.

My friend claims that he has no one who cares for him. I am a strong advocate against empathy, but I definitely know that feeling. And I know for sure that he fits no where near that category. He is blessed with so much charm that everyone instantly likes him. He of all people can afford to pick at his friends, he of all people has no right to say that no one cares for him because although there are so many who come to him just to have fun, there are people like me and two other friends who are constantly by his side no matter what. To be honest, all three of us are feeling very lost without him. I am for sure. I am VERY lost. He may not be my boyfriend, and we may have our differences, I may not mean as much as he means to me, but I am very lonely without him here. It's not like I don't have friends, it's just that he is the only constant in my life. And I don't have a lot of that. I know other people care for me as well, but sometimes, in a way that irritates me. I know that talking about him might drive other friends away, but no other person has shown me that he can be as consistent as he is. I don't know, no matter how little effort he puts inside, sometimes there are little things that he says that break through this opaque ceiling falling on me, and I see a small glimpse of light of which I'm able to use to guide me out of what ever mess I'm in. I finally missed him today, a discussion someone else was having made me realised that. It's not that I don't care about anything else, like I said, he is the only constant I have in my life. I'm considering putting a password on this but I don't know how.

Long rant. But I feel satisfied now, but I can't sleep.

I am Jane after watching BEP live!!

Something about Taboo from Black Eyed Peas draws me to him. Tall, long hair, sharp features. white pants and black singlet...MMph!!

That's the best thing about staying here. You get to see every single concert that is.

But I still want to go to a good live concert before I graduate.
And a rave party...

I am Jane, and I'm definitely human

They say to err is human, to forgive is divine.
If that's the case, then I'm definitely human, and I intend to stay human.
Call me sour, bitter young-but-seems-older-than-her-age lady.
But some of the things that people have done to me are so evil that I can't possibly imagine someone trying to tell me to forgive.
I have always been wronged.
To pay for someone else's mistakes
To swallow someone else's fault
All at the expense of my bigger-than-ever pride and ego.
And if it's bigger than what even I can take, I'd most likely have kept it to myself.

I've been reading Sixthseal.com and I've fallen absolutely in love with it.
He's made it big, but he hasn't changed his writing style unlike the other big bloggers.
I'd like to meet this guy, in person.
Not like how I met Kenny Sia (which I doubt he'd even remember 5 minutes later)
I want to intern with Nuffnang, to have a fun job before I turn boring.
I want to do something I really love.

Just read one of his posts where he confessed that he is Veritas, (another reason I want to meet him, because unlike so many other people, he doesn't care about how the substance he consumes will affect his body. Seriously, with all the radiowaves and the second hand smoke and thinning of the ozone layer? We're all doomed anyway) the drug (ab)user. Come on, we've all done something to ease our pain one way or the other. Who's to decide which is right and which is wrong? But there was one sentence that captured my thoughts right there and then. "The writing itself should have tipped you off. The writing style, formation of sentences, terminology, language quirks and favorite words should be a dead giveaway. :) It's hard to change one's writing, it's like a fingerprint." (Sixthseal.com)

I suddenly had a flashback, and I'm pretty sure most people have forgotten about it. But I haven't being the vengeful person with good memory I am.

In the year 2002, when we were all in Form 2, this friend who has been on-and-off close to me, and now seems to be permanently broken off received a 'poisonous' letter (what we called surat racun) from an anonymous writer stating her utmost hate towards the former. The former reported the case to the class teacher who then reported it to the discipline teacher who then reported it to the Afternoon Supervisor who then reported it to the HEM (Hal Ehwal Murid) teacher until it finally reached the Headmistress who somehow took the thing so seriously (of which till today I can't understand why) that she called for a full inspection of the letter, together with interrogation and witnesses.

I came into the picture because of the bombastic fantastic plastic English in which the letter was written in (or rather, type-written in to add suspense and anonymity to it), which ironically made me a prime suspect. I'm sorry but to whoever who wrote the letter, I think you were just wasting your talent away. Because I, for one wouldn't have wasted my time on such petty people (no offence to the former despite our conflicts). I don't even confront people who are close to me. But step on my tail if you're some random stranger and prepare to be beheaded.

But of course, I'm sure the suspect would have given names and it is to the Headmistress' discretion to keep it a secret, but I was called up for questioning. I didn't do it, I had nothing to fear. Me being me, living in my own world, I didn't even know such a letter existed and obviously denied everything. I didn't even have anything to do with it, let alone PEN IT DOWN.

At the end of the day, the anonymous writer was never caught, and we lived happily ever after till the end of 2005, NOT. Who are you kidding? It's a Convent school for crying out loud! We have a reputation to maintain; the backstabbing, the bitching, the gossiping, the giggling, the making-fun-of, the raping, the teasing. Can't deny that I was purely innocent and never did anything, but I would never harmed anyone till that extent. Not even till the extent of what I went through. I don't know. I don't know how others can do it, but I never did. I'd play a prank, device a plan, but never hurt someone badly (Maybe Jo Ann can prove me wrong, I don't know). Well if I did unintentionally scar you emotionally, I'm sorry.

The thing is, it was my way of writing that made me less suspicious. Because no teacher in school taught me how to write. My grammar came from my mother's meticulous character (of which I'm slowly degenerating due to the fact that I am surrounded by people who can't speak proper English and therefore can't understand proper English and so English has to be spoken in a broken way in order for them to decipher). Good English grammar is so hard to maintain, but broken English is CONTAGIOUS!! I'm not saying that I'm William Shakespeare or anything, I'm just stating a fact. My way of writing is unique to me. And every teacher knew that. Some may have done it to suck up to my mum, but it took one who genuinely knew my writing style to stand up for me, and the rest just followed on with the same argument. Fortunately, at the end of the day, the Headmistress did take things into her own hands and inspected my essay book, and found it true enough. And my name was cleared, at least for that crime.

A lot of things happened through out the years. Some that I remember clearly, some that I remember only when triggered by similar recurring events. And some, when I read that someone else has gone through the same thing. But I do know that I remember them all clearly. It just takes a matter of time to put the pieces back together. And of course, a catalyst to get things started.

You can call me a vengeful person. But I do not seek vengeance upon them, I just merely remember what they have done to me. Is that wrong? And why, do you ask, that I bring this matters up, even after so many years? Because I simply can. Because sometimes, after years, I finally understand and make meaning of its occurrence. And if you must, because I want to read this back when I'm old and laugh at how over-sensitive I was. I'm not blogging this down for you, I'm blogging this for my own self. I'm not asking for attention. If I were, I would have publicized my domain everywhere, on MSN, on facebook, Twitter, everwhere, which you don't see me doing. This is here for those who care to see. Because if you don't, you obviously wouldn't read it. Heck, even most of my closest friends don't know I own a blog. I'm sentimental like that. I like my stuff and my memories, and I intend to keep them for myself.

So yes, please contribute to my bank of emotionally painful events. I say that with sincerely the utmost sarcasm you can ever imagine.