I am Jane, very lost

I've been staring at my mum for too long. All the growing up has suddenly taken MANY steps backwards and I now feel like a kid again, more precisely, like when I was in school, and when my mum used to fuss over everything I did and intervene in every way she can.

I just got back from Redang. I loved it there. If I had a choice, I'd spend the rest of my days there. Not that I don't enjoy the hustle of the city and the excitement it has to offer, but life on the beach is so laid back, so peaceful, so... I-don't-give-a-damn and I don't have to worry about people hurting me or even having to watch my back. The few days I spent there, it was the people there were NICER..friendlier, somewhat kinder and less dangerous.

Oh, if I had went alone, or with friends, it would have been the perfect get-away, but unfortunately, this whole thing was my mum's idea, and a holiday with my mum is like no holiday at all. It's like your prison warden taking out to do community service, it doesn't even feel like you're on patrol. I'm forced to wake up when she wakes up (which is always very far off whenever I'm supposed to wake up *diversion: I HATE THAT!! My mum tells me I have to get up at 8 am for this and that, so I'd set my alarm at 8am, but being her, she just has to ruin the fun out of everything, wake up at 7am, and wake ME up as well..grrrr), I'm forced to go on walks when all I want to do is lie down somewhere, I'm forced to go swimming when I hate the pool, I'm forced to eat when I'm not hungry, I get scolded when I actually get hungry, I have to follow a SCHEDULE (which I HATE), the list goes on. Holiday with mum = CHORE. I don't even look forward to it. And to add to the list, I'm not even actually allowed to go on holidays with friends!! CAN YOU PLEASE EMPATHIZE WITH HOW PATHETIC MY LIFE IS? I don't want to go there and ruin my mood.

After a fierce battle, I presumptively won my independence from her, but no, she's now being a sore loser, everything I want to do, it's always : you pay for yourself, you do it yourself, you find out yourself, you go yourself. Well then, when I do DO everything MYSELF, I get scolded for not consulting her.. HELP ME..

Anyways, this holidays is slowly slipping away, I'm not even cherishing every moment I have. Perhaps it's because I know that my real holiday is coming soon. I'm not even sure of what's going to happen in the next two months. I thought I had it figured out, I thought it'd all go smoothly, but now, everything is

My holiday was not all that bad, everytime I had the chance to, I'd slip away from the crowd, grab a book, my sunnies and my trusty pareo, lie on the sand, soak up the rays, and forget she even exists. That's how I like life now, in my own world. In the next one month, I plan to go there again, this time, alone, or with people I like, who won't push me to do things when I don't want to. But money is the missing link. Oh, how I wish I could go back right now..

There was only one original paragraph I had in mind today:

There are people who come and go in your life,
There are people who come and stay,
there are people who appear when you need help the most, and vanish after that,
there are people whom you wish would have stayed longer, but didn't
there are those who have made an impact on you, but not vice versa,
there are those whom you know aren't good for you, but will take you years to realise
there are those who seem as if they are, but they aren't
there are those whom you've met briefly, but there's this lingering feeling that there's more to them, then what meets the eye..
you'll hope you'll meet them again
you'll hope they'd remember you when you do,
you'll hope you'd know that person better,
and you'll definitely grab the opportunity when it ceases..
but sometimes you get disappointed,
sometimes it turns into something else,

Now, the question is, do you believe in fate?


Jane is dreaming but not on cloud nine, she's somewhere lost in between this serene feeling that results from this childish naive hope. The same hope she had when she was in high school. I hope when I read this again next time, I remember this same feeling...there's a 70% chance that the same thing will happen again, but there's till another 30% that says that it's different..