I am Jane's Goodbye

Hello, Jane from slightly more than three years ago,

I see that you've been neglected,
that I've neglected you.
I need you to know that I never meant for it to
turn out this way.
I thought you'd always be my one true love
and the only thing I cared about.
More importantly,
the only thing that cared about me
and my ticket out.

But as it is to everyone,
life is never what it seems,
never what we hope it'd be,
never what we intended.

I've missed you, old friend.

I've always meant to visit,
but it turns out I'm quite the workaholic,
even though I hate what I do.

You've always been on my mind,
always part of the plan.
Not having you around,
even though you were always a click away
has been hard.

But I'm glad I've finally got the guts to do this.

You see,
I've been in a deep slumber.
No,
not the kind with nightmares or sweet dreams,
not the kind you wake up refresh from.
I've been just floating around,
aimlessly,
trying to find,
trying to reach,
trying to escape.

When you've been here all along.

Reading through the memories we shared made me realise
that I never thought I'd be here this way,
that life would turn out this way.

You were the only one for me,
the only thing right for me,
and I shunned you away,
because they told me to,
because they told me it was the right thing to do,
because they told me that you'd get me no where.

If that is the case,
I'm willing to take the chance.

I could have been many things,
but the one thing I never did see myself
was being here.

It's taken me three long years,
everyday waking up thinking if today's the day
I get my "Ah-hah!" moment.
Well, to be honest I did..
I had one..

It took me to a place I never thought was possible,
it found me love I never thought existed,
gave me wisdom beyond imagination.

I am more bitter than ever,
more hurt than before,
more vengeful than I appear.

Well, I guess some things don't ever change.

But there's this new thing I've learnt.
That is to let go.
I haven't mastered this new power yet,
but I am trying.
So far, I've been able to do it to most things,
but there are those little things,
and then there's my Kryptonite.

But from here on out,
I think it's best we not be seen in public together..
Trust me, it's for your own good.

And before I leave,
I just want to say,
that having you around,
and having visit you today,
I realise that life isn't that bad to me.

I'm not spoilt,
but I've always tried my best to ensure my dreams
came true.
I didn't wish for them to come true,
I worked my ass off.
It's not that I'm complaining,
I wouldn't want it anyway,
because I love and treasure everything I have
more because it didn't fall from the sky.

Looking back at me back then..
I guess I do have some of the things I wished for,
and that's why I think,
I should continue from where I left off.

I have this one last dream that I have always wanted,
always hoped,
always imagined.

And some how, it never did has not realise.
I guess,
I guess,
I guess I'm just not ready to lose hope yet.

And I hope, that the new you will be my way out.
I'm not leaving you because I'm done with you,
neither am I leaving because I think you're not good enough.

I'm just in a really dark place right now,
and I think I really need a new blank page to start off.
You can rest assured that I won't forget you,
and who knows,
I might come back.

But for now,
I think it's best we go our separate ways,
my journey is long and tiring,
and I really need to travel light.

Maybe one day, I can bring you along,
but for now,
it's just going to have to be me alone.

I haven't really gotten back my spirit,
and I sure as hell am almost out of energy.

But before I'm totally flat,
deflated,
punctured,
burnt,
I'd like to give it one last chance,
because it just feels so right,
like it did before.

And until then,
you will always be my pilot,
my first.