As I sat sleepless in bed as usual, I started thinking about all my previous relationships and why they all went wrong. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing doesn't really make sense. It takes two to form a relationship, therefore, it should take two to bring the relationship down. But then again, I find that I've ruined almost all relationships in my life. Let's not get me started with my parents. Because no matter how hard I try, it just isn't good enough for them. So guess what? I quit trying. Take me as I am. They don't think I'm good enough anyway. and if you're thinking :everybody has family issues, well, you're right, but that doesn't mean I'm just exaggerating. If you think you understand me, you're wrong. Think of it this way, you read about how a mother abuses her child in the newspapers. Do you stop and think "oh, I understand how he feels,"? doesn't make sense, doesn't it? You'll never know how that person feels unless you're in or you've been in his/her shoes. Empathy? I don't really believe in it. I never say "I understand how you feel" unless I really do. It's pointless. Hypocritical. People don't want to hear "it's okay," or "maybe you're just over exaggerating" when they're down. neither do they want someone who'd go "yeah, I think you really should confront that person" or "okay, I'll beat him/her up for you".
As I was saying, it takes two to tango, doesn't it? Well, all I can say for now, is that I'm a person whereby put in a stable constant condition, whereby, food is provided, enough money is given (although no amount of money is ever enough ain't it?), surrounded by reliable company, left in a very comfortable place, with a normal monotonous everyday 9-5 job, a routine-like life, supplied with a sufficient amount of wants and needs, I'd start getting bored. Heck, everybody would! But remember what I said on top. Not everyone is the same. Yes, there'll be a few adventurous souls who'd take a step out of that comfort zone, some of them die, some of them succeed in discovering new things, new ideas, new territories. And yes, the shy ones will stay at home and stick to social stigma. But I'm at the extreme. I tend to forgo the constant and venture into the unknown, taking unnecessary risks, seeking new experience which so often lead to heart-break.
Sometimes, (I really don't know how it happens), my mind wonders into thinking: "What if I never left my ex-boyfriend last year? Where would we be right now?" but the minute I get that thought, I'd give myself a harsh mental slap for being so stupid. Like I said, it takes two to tango. To break up with him was the smartest thing I've done, but then I broke a heart, or so he says, a heart that still aches till today. So much so he still stalks me even though he has a so-called-girlfriend whom I pity because if you think about it, it's quite unfair to her. And all this, I don't conclude myself. I'm basing this on cold hard facts from reliable sources. I try not to hear from him, but bad news has its way of getting around. Firstly, I'm no busy-body. I don't stick my nose into everyone's business where it doesn't belong, but news always has a way of getting to me. And it's not very hard if you consider the number of rumours he and his family has spread. I thank God I broke up with him, because judging from his character, I would have lost much more than my time and my feelings. And I bet you all can guess what that is. This, also, I've heard from numerous sources, and I feel like slapping myself for even AGREEING to go out with such an idiot. It's people like these who give a bad name to men in general. I admit that was one of my most stupidest decisions, but people tend to do stupid things when they're mad. And I was mad at my mum. And just to piss her off, I got myself a new not-so-shiny boyfriend of which I knew she'd hate. Little did I know that I'd land myself into such trouble. It's been almost two years since I've broken up with him, but he still can't shut up. And I wish there was some way I could just erase that memory out of everyone's minds.
As for today, I burnt myself this afternoon, accidentally. As I stared at the patch that turned from red to brown-ish, it dawned to me that my relationships were just like these. I started off with a clean canvas, flawless skin. Except for the blemishes on my face, I had perfectly smooth skin with no pigmentation or uneven tones. But as the years went by, I don't know if there's a connection, but the older I grew, the more scars I got, and faster too. I never had a single scar on my body except for the cut my mum's rotan gave me when I was 6 which until today, is still visible. First of all, my fluctuating body size has contributed to several stretch marks, and of course, I don't like what I see in the mirror nowadays. I wish I was anorexic again. Because I looked good. And people started to treat me differently. That was the only time when I understood what it meant by other people will only see you as beautiful if you yourself think you're beautiful. Say what you like, I'm entitled to my own thoughts, be it social stigma or not, though I was way too thin, I felt more confident than I am right now. If you think that looks and personality have no connections, than you're wrong. That's just something people made up to make the not-so-pretty people feel better, unlike some, the rest of us aren't blessed with good looks, at least not up to our society's standards. So who are we to blame? Blame the gene-pool? I don't know, and I don't want to point fingers. There are some who have the gift of looks, and that has been a great advantage to them. Do they misuse it? Yes, very often in fact.
The hands that Evelyn couldn't let go off in school because they were so soft have been roughened by the household detergent my skin had to come in contact with ever since I started living away from home. The fingers who used to caress the black and white keys of the keyboard, producing sweet melody has now been confined only to O2jam and typing furiously on the laptop. My back which used to be mole-less and freckle-less, now has several moles on it.My knees are bruised badly from a fall I had 2 weeks ago, and of course, my arm. My burnt forearm. It has taught me a lot today. The scars we have on our body, or relationship, some heal over time, as if they were never there before, some leave marks and scars, to remind us of how badly the event has affected us, but sometimes, scars can be beautiful, all you need is some modification and voila! It becomes a new trend. One of the emperor of china's favourite concubine, lady Yong Gwai Fei was famous for her bindhi-like drawings right in the middle of her forehead which she used to hide a scar there, so much so it became a trend amongst the women during that period of time.
Conclusion: I need to learn to control myself.Badly.
Part of me wants to grow up, part of me wants to stay at this age forever, because it's easier to get away with mistakes, whether intentional or not. I blame it all on immaturity and naiveness. After all, we don't have enough experience. Sometimes I know I made a mistake, or sometimes I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I choose to pretend I don't know. Yes, I did something quite bad when I was angry last Friday night (don't ask me what, I can't remember). I don't really regret it right now, but I don't know how to control my feeling right now because my heart says go my head says no. Typical scene right? Anyway, it was wrong from the start. So there's no two ways about it. Goodnight people.
Disclaimer: This blog is not meant for any specific person. So if you 'terasa' then I have nothing to say. And this is my own self-enlightenment. Go find your own. I only really started to learn the meaning of all these sayings last year. Seriously, the minute you experience such things, it really makes you redefine everything the universe has told you about.
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