The past few seconds marked my exact 19 years of existence, not that it's anything great. This post is exactly 24 hours late and it can be delayed no more. I was planning to write a really really long post with reflections over the past years and stuff, but that will just have to wait. Believe me, it was not supposed to be cheerful, but I'm gonna try to maintain this light mood and not sound like my usual self today.
On the other hand, I'm actually quite bummed out that this will be my last teen-aged years =( (and Mab complains she's old!). And if you're thinking, "I thought you said you were going to disregard your birthday?", please note that I have yet to use that word yet. It's just that officially from today, the 8 in my age will be replaced by a 9 for form-filling purposes. My actual plan was to post this blog during the passing over from the 11th to the 12th, but I only got into my room at 11pm plus, and I was on the phone from then on, so no time to blog, and after I finished answering all phone calls as well as MSN messages, sms-es and what-nots, I was way too tired to even switch off the lights to sleep. The next day, I woke up late and was fighting with a certain someone who pissed me off. In the end, I succumbed to his pretty brown eyes and we went out for lunch at TGIF's and movie. More about that next time, he also lured me to go back to his place and here I am, in front of his beloved pc. Let me tell you that this is the only given time that the pc is free from his clutches because he has a new toy; named PSP, which I kidnapped from him just after he got it (muahahaha...).
Anyhow, this year's birthday hopes and wishes:
First and foremost, I would like to pass all my papers with no more backlogs and hold ups. I know that in order to do that I will have to study hard, which I'm actually planning to do. Ohmigod, STUDY STUDY STUDY!!! Which reminds me, I have half a month left and I have made very little progress, I need a kick in the ass. So I mean business starting from tomorrow!
Secondly, I wish that I will grow into a better person, a person that even I love. Today, when Aunt Sheila called and thought I was 20, her first sentence was "Woman, now you're 20 your 'suei' luck will all disappear". That, coming from a person who hears my problems second hand. And she said that everything seems to be happening only to me, which at first I thought was just my thinking, but apparently everyone around me feels it too.
Thirdly, I would really really wish that my plans will go accordingly, if not better. Seriously, I don't understand why Murphy's law seem to have embedded into my soul. It happens to me most of the time, even when times when I'm actually enjoying myself.
Forth, I'd really like a clearer picture of my future, to at least know where I'm heading, to at least give me a sense of security, and have something even better and clearer to look and work forward to.
Fifth, I'd hope for all the backstabbing in the world to stop, in other words, "World Peace". No, this is not some beauty pagent. I just wished for people to stop betraying one another, because it sickens me. And I'd really wish for someone to talk to someone again..hehehe...
Sixth, I'd really like to be given more opportunities in life, especially an opportunity to do something I like for a living, while raking in the moolah. Of course, no matter what, I will finish my ACCA before I start anything new. But I really dread having to do something I dislike just to pay mortgage.
Last but not least, I hope that the years to come will be better, and that my last teen-aged year will be the best among all. I really wish that things will be smooth sailing from here on, because the past few years have not only been winding and bumpy, but filled with traps as well.
In conclusion, I WANT TO BE HAPPIER. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, my Macaroni and Cheese, beau and happier days await me.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I am Jane's Blown Up Microwave Oven
I can't help but blog this down, this is sheer proof of my temperamental nature.
My mum woke me up this morning, to tell me to come meet her at my cousin's condo. So at 12pm, I left my penthouse for Kelana Jaya, and the penthouse was just as it was the night before. The whole day, I don't think I did anything bad to deserve what happened to me later on, unless my existence is a bad deed itself. In fact, I actually did some good deeds, I helped my cousin look after her boutique (which was actually assigned to my mum) and helped her sell a few things (of which I had to try really hard to persuade them after the damage my mum did, PLEASE don't ever leave my mum in your shop, she chases the customers away instead of persuading them), I did my homework, and I helped look after my niece. Oh, wait! I did something bad, I dissed my uncle, but I don think he didn't deserve it, actually, what I did was nothing wrong. I mean, I still stand by principle that respect is earned, not in-born, no matter who it is for. You're just not born with respect for a person, you know. If you grew up with just your mum and your dad left you even before you were born, are you obliged to respect him? I think not, so you get the idea. Anyway, this blog is not about my uncle, I only diss him to my mum when I see him using my father right in front of my eyes.
So the day goes by, and we went for dinner at this shop in Kota Damansara (fantastic food). After which I was sent home by my uncle. Upon reaching my door step, I could smell burnt plastic and smoke in my condo, and much to my alarm, coming from the microwave oven. Fearing the worst, I opened it, and let me say that it was worse than what I expected.
Isn't it an irony? I feared for the worst, but something worse than that happened. Being me, I couldn't just sit there and do nothing.
First, I looked around for evidence the culprit might have left. I saw this huge melted plastic bag in our rubbish bin. And so, I took the scissors and cut it open, only to find the glass plate that revolves in the microwave broken into pieces and BURNT. Not only that, I saw white plastic things that looked like polystyrene, as well as pieces of very charcoal-burnt chicken.
Can you see the burnt glass?
Secondly, I was so damn pissed that I had to blurt it out to someone, my beau called and I was screaming, and then he had to open the door for his new housemates, but when I tried calling back I couldn't call out at all. And then I messaged Sunil and Hem, Sunil did make me feel a bit better by making me laugh with his stupid Pink Panther joke, but seriously, when you're hiding something, you don't think that anyone will find it, right??? The story is this, few weeks ago, I found out someone used my microwave without even bothering to ask me, and if she did, it's fine by me, but she made a big mess out of it, and left it to me to clean, which obviously pissed me off, because she heated up mushroom soup without covering it and the bits and pieces of mushroom got stuck in the vents. And so, I hid the revolving glass plate as well as the rim with rollers. These few days I didn't hid it because I was always home and if someone were to use the microwave I would have known because it gives out a very loud 'TING' when it's done. But fucker spoilt my microwave less than one hour before I got home. And Hem, seriously right, although you understood how I felt, you really really pissed me off by saying stupid things like "If you ask them nicely, I'm sure somebody will admit it." Okay, that means if I kill someone and then you ask me properly, I might just admit it. Seriously, I said she RAN away. There were people in the room that were hiding, everybody knew they were hiding! And do you think this bloody pigs of people will answer the door because they feel guilty? There is no psychology in this. And besides, I don't want to stand surrounded by smoke, knocking on someone's door which I know will never open(and hurt my arms), and waking the whole penthouse up. In the midst of all that, my mum called and all she said was "Haih...bla bla bla bl...HAIH...what to do?" which I know for a fact that I will get a long lecture tomorrow.
Thirdly, after I had finished screaming and laughing and swearing and what-not, my roommate came back and I told her the whole thing, she was pissed as well because the whole house could have blown up, or at least caught fire, and her hamsters could have died inhaling all that toxic fumes. After which, I took a bath, and my bath time is my thinking time, or something like that. So I started thinking of ways to find out who the person is. Before that, I also asked my housemates, one was totally oblivious, the other couldn't make out whether the culprits were screaming in Mandarin or English, the other didn't answer her door, and the four-sharing room switched off their lights when I knocked! Thank God, somebody was concern enough to open her door when she smelt smoke and because of that she saw the back of their heads. Then I became so desperate that I wanted to stick a note on my microwave saying that I just want to know who did it, and what happened and I promise I won't be mad. Well actually, I was hoping she'd replace my microwave oven. And then a brilliant idea struck me! My housemate did say that whoever used the microwave was very dolled-up as if she were going to hit the clubs. And if that's the case, whoever who decided to be Albert Einstein and blow up the microwave must have went out through the door and gone down the lift. So right after my bath, I happily went down the lift to show my sad face to the guards (it actually works), my roommate was skeptical. So after I told the guard my sob story, he actually said "yelar, kalo barang baru, siapa pun sakit kan...barang mahal pulak tu". I'm evil, I know. And so his superior agreed to playback the cctv for me, and all that while, I was praying and hoping that I'd catch someone and not go back empty handed.
Half an hour passed by on the screen, and still no sign of humanity...
And every minute that passes by was like a street long of lights, one by one closing..
And then, at 20:34:34(exact time) I saw her, they matched my housemate's description perfectly; short hair with white top, long hair with black and white dress. I was so happy, but afraid of accusing the wrong people, I asked her to come down to point them out and they were them! I was actually kind of excited, but I couldn't take any immediate action because they DID hit the clubs, and I've been waiting whole night and they haven't come home yet. In fact, the guard could also testify that they were the culprits because he could point them out and he knew exactly who they were. I asked my housemate if she were willing to testify and she was nice enough to oblige me.
Last but not least, I stuck a note in the hallway, saying that I'm giving the criminal to step forward and own up to it (well, the note I wrote was more of a long letter). And if she doesn't I will be more than happy to report it to management. I don't like seeing my mother's money burst up into flames. My parents are not stinking rich, neither am I. Even if I were stinking rich, there is no reason to just let these criminals go, agree? If I were mean enough, I'd ask for compensation. I do hope they didn't use any of my roommate's stuff as hers were the nearest utensils within reach from the microwave. These people are irresponsible! Running off after blowing up people's microwave and using my roommate's knife to dig at her burnt chicken.
This is the damage they caused:
1) Severely Burnt Microwave
Can you see how melted that fan-like thing that turns the glass plate is?
2) Emotional distressed
3) Study time wasted
4) Poisonous fumes inhaled by the other 20 people in the penthouse. Seriously, even the people downstairs was looking for what was burnt and the fumes were so strong, I think my roommate got high and fell asleep. She woke up with bloodshot eyes. I, on the other hand, am really nauseas and am wheezing.
Post Note: I couldn't stand to wait, so I quickly jumped out when I heard the noise of a drunken girl walking to her door, and she owned up. I'm happy, but she had this hesitant look on her face like "should I own up or not?" kind of thing. Anyways, she said she'll own up so I'll forget about it, after all, I just blogged the whole thing out. On the other note, Beau and I went to Shogun, and I had fun with the fondue there..I want to go again!!
My mum woke me up this morning, to tell me to come meet her at my cousin's condo. So at 12pm, I left my penthouse for Kelana Jaya, and the penthouse was just as it was the night before. The whole day, I don't think I did anything bad to deserve what happened to me later on, unless my existence is a bad deed itself. In fact, I actually did some good deeds, I helped my cousin look after her boutique (which was actually assigned to my mum) and helped her sell a few things (of which I had to try really hard to persuade them after the damage my mum did, PLEASE don't ever leave my mum in your shop, she chases the customers away instead of persuading them), I did my homework, and I helped look after my niece. Oh, wait! I did something bad, I dissed my uncle, but I don think he didn't deserve it, actually, what I did was nothing wrong. I mean, I still stand by principle that respect is earned, not in-born, no matter who it is for. You're just not born with respect for a person, you know. If you grew up with just your mum and your dad left you even before you were born, are you obliged to respect him? I think not, so you get the idea. Anyway, this blog is not about my uncle, I only diss him to my mum when I see him using my father right in front of my eyes.
So the day goes by, and we went for dinner at this shop in Kota Damansara (fantastic food). After which I was sent home by my uncle. Upon reaching my door step, I could smell burnt plastic and smoke in my condo, and much to my alarm, coming from the microwave oven. Fearing the worst, I opened it, and let me say that it was worse than what I expected.
Isn't it an irony? I feared for the worst, but something worse than that happened. Being me, I couldn't just sit there and do nothing.
First, I looked around for evidence the culprit might have left. I saw this huge melted plastic bag in our rubbish bin. And so, I took the scissors and cut it open, only to find the glass plate that revolves in the microwave broken into pieces and BURNT. Not only that, I saw white plastic things that looked like polystyrene, as well as pieces of very charcoal-burnt chicken.
Can you see the burnt glass?
Secondly, I was so damn pissed that I had to blurt it out to someone, my beau called and I was screaming, and then he had to open the door for his new housemates, but when I tried calling back I couldn't call out at all. And then I messaged Sunil and Hem, Sunil did make me feel a bit better by making me laugh with his stupid Pink Panther joke, but seriously, when you're hiding something, you don't think that anyone will find it, right??? The story is this, few weeks ago, I found out someone used my microwave without even bothering to ask me, and if she did, it's fine by me, but she made a big mess out of it, and left it to me to clean, which obviously pissed me off, because she heated up mushroom soup without covering it and the bits and pieces of mushroom got stuck in the vents. And so, I hid the revolving glass plate as well as the rim with rollers. These few days I didn't hid it because I was always home and if someone were to use the microwave I would have known because it gives out a very loud 'TING' when it's done. But fucker spoilt my microwave less than one hour before I got home. And Hem, seriously right, although you understood how I felt, you really really pissed me off by saying stupid things like "If you ask them nicely, I'm sure somebody will admit it." Okay, that means if I kill someone and then you ask me properly, I might just admit it. Seriously, I said she RAN away. There were people in the room that were hiding, everybody knew they were hiding! And do you think this bloody pigs of people will answer the door because they feel guilty? There is no psychology in this. And besides, I don't want to stand surrounded by smoke, knocking on someone's door which I know will never open(and hurt my arms), and waking the whole penthouse up. In the midst of all that, my mum called and all she said was "Haih...bla bla bla bl...HAIH...what to do?" which I know for a fact that I will get a long lecture tomorrow.
Thirdly, after I had finished screaming and laughing and swearing and what-not, my roommate came back and I told her the whole thing, she was pissed as well because the whole house could have blown up, or at least caught fire, and her hamsters could have died inhaling all that toxic fumes. After which, I took a bath, and my bath time is my thinking time, or something like that. So I started thinking of ways to find out who the person is. Before that, I also asked my housemates, one was totally oblivious, the other couldn't make out whether the culprits were screaming in Mandarin or English, the other didn't answer her door, and the four-sharing room switched off their lights when I knocked! Thank God, somebody was concern enough to open her door when she smelt smoke and because of that she saw the back of their heads. Then I became so desperate that I wanted to stick a note on my microwave saying that I just want to know who did it, and what happened and I promise I won't be mad. Well actually, I was hoping she'd replace my microwave oven. And then a brilliant idea struck me! My housemate did say that whoever used the microwave was very dolled-up as if she were going to hit the clubs. And if that's the case, whoever who decided to be Albert Einstein and blow up the microwave must have went out through the door and gone down the lift. So right after my bath, I happily went down the lift to show my sad face to the guards (it actually works), my roommate was skeptical. So after I told the guard my sob story, he actually said "yelar, kalo barang baru, siapa pun sakit kan...barang mahal pulak tu". I'm evil, I know. And so his superior agreed to playback the cctv for me, and all that while, I was praying and hoping that I'd catch someone and not go back empty handed.
Half an hour passed by on the screen, and still no sign of humanity...
And every minute that passes by was like a street long of lights, one by one closing..
And then, at 20:34:34(exact time) I saw her, they matched my housemate's description perfectly; short hair with white top, long hair with black and white dress. I was so happy, but afraid of accusing the wrong people, I asked her to come down to point them out and they were them! I was actually kind of excited, but I couldn't take any immediate action because they DID hit the clubs, and I've been waiting whole night and they haven't come home yet. In fact, the guard could also testify that they were the culprits because he could point them out and he knew exactly who they were. I asked my housemate if she were willing to testify and she was nice enough to oblige me.
Last but not least, I stuck a note in the hallway, saying that I'm giving the criminal to step forward and own up to it (well, the note I wrote was more of a long letter). And if she doesn't I will be more than happy to report it to management. I don't like seeing my mother's money burst up into flames. My parents are not stinking rich, neither am I. Even if I were stinking rich, there is no reason to just let these criminals go, agree? If I were mean enough, I'd ask for compensation. I do hope they didn't use any of my roommate's stuff as hers were the nearest utensils within reach from the microwave. These people are irresponsible! Running off after blowing up people's microwave and using my roommate's knife to dig at her burnt chicken.
This is the damage they caused:
1) Severely Burnt Microwave
Can you see how melted that fan-like thing that turns the glass plate is?
2) Emotional distressed
3) Study time wasted
4) Poisonous fumes inhaled by the other 20 people in the penthouse. Seriously, even the people downstairs was looking for what was burnt and the fumes were so strong, I think my roommate got high and fell asleep. She woke up with bloodshot eyes. I, on the other hand, am really nauseas and am wheezing.
Post Note: I couldn't stand to wait, so I quickly jumped out when I heard the noise of a drunken girl walking to her door, and she owned up. I'm happy, but she had this hesitant look on her face like "should I own up or not?" kind of thing. Anyways, she said she'll own up so I'll forget about it, after all, I just blogged the whole thing out. On the other note, Beau and I went to Shogun, and I had fun with the fondue there..I want to go again!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I Am Jane at 5.00am in the morning
So I can't keep my mouth shut / hands still (in the sense of not-typing). Sue me. I'm very very undisciplined this semester. I really don't know why and I want to kill myself for it. Knowing which tomorrow I shall receive an sms from Hem stating how he will spank me if I continue not to study. I really want to say that this will be short, but I seriously am in need of a catharsis right now, since I've been trying to share my thoughts with somebody today but failed numerously.
Well, truth is, I still stick to my point that my blog will be the only thing/person (I want to believe my blog is a living person, sue me) that will never fail to be here to listen/read me (I'm such a confused person). What do I have to say today? Actually, a lot of things. I can't help it. When I'm stressed my brain tends to work doubly hard, although it becomes a scattered brain, where I really do challenge the phrase 'to think outside the box' because when it comes to me, I think way out of the box. So way out, that it doesn't even make sense, or rather, I don't know where that train of thought started from.
Anyways, three weeks till the first exam. I know my strategy, and am on the way of implementing it, although the success rate is still unknown and I really don't wish to know what it is. So if you're a kind soul who happens to be passing by, DO PRAY FOR ME. Wishful thinking, Jane, wishful thinking. You won't believe it, it's times like these when I finally get to catch up on my reading. I finished the whole 400-paged novel in three days.
At this very moment, someone whom I knew about two years ago, has suddenly popped up on my MSN. Let me share with you that I am the least please to see him. I really don't know when I'll get the courage to blog my experience with him down, but one thing is for sure, it is because of him that I'm the person I am today, the person who is so insecure about so many things, the person who doesn't really believe in justice in the world, and the person who now believes that people who go to church or are immediate relatives of the head of the church are good people. This world is full of hypocrisies. I cannot deny that. I see it happening, but I cannot stop it. However, I try my best to lessen it by not being a hypocrite myself (although my beau thinks that women, including me, are th biggest hypocrites to walk the earth). To conclude this person, I seriously feel that if I were ever to meet him on the street, and he to greet me with that hypocritical smile he has been wearing all these years of which I don't know the number of people who have fallen into his trap, I'd seriously give him my most sarcastic reply and my ever so transparent you-are-a-sore-to-my-sight smile, and tell him to go fuck himself right in the asshole. Of course, that will be really sweet of me, because that is not what he deserves. What he deserves is excruciating pain way beyond what I've just said, but I've yet the time to slowly describe it. Honestly speaking, they always say God will vindicate, but I seriously want to know when this vindication will take place, because it seems to me that I'm always the one who goes through never-ending spells of excruciating 'burden'. Maybe the vindication for my wrong doing is happening, but I don't really know what I ever did to deserve this. There seriously only so much I can take, and I don't know how much more.Oh-God...
Seriously, I really don't know whether I'm thinking too highly of myself, or whether it's just me growing up, because the people I think highly off really don't seem so appealing after all. As for this guy, I admit I was once a bloody fool, but the bloody fool is bloody no more and neither is she as foolish. In fact, she sees through all your insecurities, your mask of which you tried to build to shade your disabilities and the front with which you try to impress with. If she could, she'd tell the whole world. She'd be doing the world a favour, because then, less people will be conned by you, and you'd have to thank her because she'd be the one who'd give you a wake up call, although that is seriously her point of doing it. So when Sunil and I were walking in Summit today and we bumped into his ex-colleague, I was the least please when this person's name came up. Even his name annoys the hell out of me. I twitch and feel my blood rising at this not-so-god-forbidden name.
Yes, I am a sadistic person, sadistic to the point that I'd hurt myself in order to hurt others, but of course, only applicable when I'm truly irritated and annoyed and want you to feel my pain or at least be guilty about it. Don't ask me why I've turned into such a vengeful person. That's what the world has made me into. I swear to you, exactly ten years ago, when my cousin first met her now-husband, he concluded me in one phrase, happy-go-lucky. And today, that phrase is the total opposite of me. I seriously don't know, maybe it's part of growing up. Growing up is painful but I so wish to grow up quicker. I wish I could see more things and be more mature about it. I want more days like these when I get to think back and see how far I've grown. I may not thoroughly like who I am today, but at least I'm less of a fool than I was before. All these people who belittle me, I sooner or later see through their lies, of how they try to put me down to make themselves look good. Of how they hide behind my shortcomings to conceal their insecurities. I'm bigger than that. And I know.
Last but not least, the thing that hit me while I was walking on college grounds. I may be less than two decades old, but today, I've seen much more than those who've lived that few years more than me. Maybe they've seen it, but have yet to make sense of it. But I honestly say that I am a better person now, than I was two years before. If I were to go back, I'd say that I hated myself then, although beau thought I was bloody hot at that time (even I agree, oh come on, let the girl self-praise herself once in a while). I've met a lot of people, some of which I wish to entirely erase, some of which I keep a distance from, some of which I have no time to say hello to, some of which I really do wish to see but have yet the time, the very few I keep dear to me, the even fewer I let into my personal thoughts, and those of which I'm obligated to be acquainted to. Please don't categorize yourself for what you think you are to me and what you really are to me is almost always drastically different.
Today, I find myself more appreciative of the people who genuinely care, and those who use me as a shield to their insecurities. During school days, I was one of them foolish ones who thought that friends were forever. Mark Thaddeus (he's seriously my friend) once told me that I'd reach a certain age when I'd forgo all that, and cherish only a handful, not a whole class. I denied and tried to prove him wrong. But today, I live to his words, and only cherish a handful. In fact, I'm trying to forget a whole class. I guess it's part of growing up. I told you I was growing up way before my age. Though I really don't wish it'd stop. It's healthy to grow. People who don't grow end up missing out so much in life. I want to grab as many things as I can in life because life has taken so much away from me, it's only fair that I get my best bargain.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'd forget who my friends are. I'm just saying that only certain friends are forever. People like Mabel and Prema whom I've known since we were 1 metre tall. Friends like these stick to you for life. If I don't mention you, it doesn't mean that I don't cherish you. But you know who you are.
My self-actualization today comes in the form of an irony. Here goes:
Those I thought I'd see forever with are those I'm trying to erase right now
Those I thought I couldn't stand, are those whom I find bearable now
Those whom I thought so highly off, now seem so unimportant now
Those whom I thought were real, were only replicas of what really was real
Those whom I've taken the relationship way too seriously, are those who've broken my heart severely
The one whom I'm taking the relationship one step at a time with, is the one who's lasted way longer than any of them and has proven himself (time-to-time basis) way different from the rest
Those whom I wish would be with me forever, are those who are going away in the near future.
Okay, it's a bit scattered, but that's the gist of it. I seriously had it really planned out, like that the ending in 'Sky High' where the guy goes "And now, My best girl friend is my arch enemy, my arch enemy is my best friend, and my best friend is my girl friend". Oh, well, I'll just rephrase the whole thing when I have the time. For now, it is time to hit the bloody books. I hate tax, I need motivation, inspiration. I need a motivation that can last for at least a few years. Speaking of which, I shall write down my dreams which I have already put down in paper soon. It is seriously beautiful, I tell you.
In conclusion, I seriously feel pity for the people who have belittled me, though the bigger part of me actually wants to laugh at them. I really cannot gather all my thoughts together. I feel so improperly cathartic. I want a whole day to blog. Although at least I feel much better now.
This is me at 5 days before my last teenage year. Maybe few years down the line, I'd read this over and have a good laugh about it with a friend who's known me during this time. Maybe. And I secretly loudly hope that I'll be a much better person than I am today, someone whom I myself will come to love. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to admit that. And most importantly, I'm willing to change. And that's coming from a very bloody stubborn person who chooses to believe she's right even though she's wrong, although what people perceive is wrong, she most often can prove right, seriously!
p/s: Dear God, maybe You didn't hear me last semester, but please Please PLEASE I beg of you, PLEASE let me pass all my papers. I don't want to sit in this rut hole any longer than I already have to. Please make my dreams come true.
Night ya'all...
p/p/s: Dasarath's in town again, and I don't get to see him, AGAIN! I know beau's going to ask me why I'm so obsessed with him. You see, seeing Dasa is like seeing Sean Kingston, and since I always miss the opportunity to see Sean Kingston, so I'll make it up by seeing Dasa! Lol, did you know a person who hasn't had enough sleep is as high as a person intoxicated with alcohol? Well now you know, and I'm living proof of that theory.
p/p/p/s: Beau was supposed to enter this for me, but he refused to because he thought it was too negative. I think it's a beautiful metaphor, so here goes:
The girl who had been sitting at the window sill, staring out into the long-pouring rain, is now beginning to lose hope of ever seeing her rainbow, the rain shows no sign of stopping anytime soon, and the girl is starting to feel its gloominess looming around her. The slightest hint of light, is now slowly going dimmer and dimmer. Will she be, one day, entirely engulfed in darkness? Or will the sun shine ever again?
I'm not writing it down to spite him, I just want to remember it. Seriously. By the way, do watch Finding Neverland starring Johnny Depp, I didn't know how metaphorical Peter Pan was until I watched it. I used to hate Peter Pan when I was a kid, because I hated how Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. And how ironic it is right now that when I've finally known the true meaning of Peter Pan, how much I can relate to it.
Well, truth is, I still stick to my point that my blog will be the only thing/person (I want to believe my blog is a living person, sue me) that will never fail to be here to listen/read me (I'm such a confused person). What do I have to say today? Actually, a lot of things. I can't help it. When I'm stressed my brain tends to work doubly hard, although it becomes a scattered brain, where I really do challenge the phrase 'to think outside the box' because when it comes to me, I think way out of the box. So way out, that it doesn't even make sense, or rather, I don't know where that train of thought started from.
Anyways, three weeks till the first exam. I know my strategy, and am on the way of implementing it, although the success rate is still unknown and I really don't wish to know what it is. So if you're a kind soul who happens to be passing by, DO PRAY FOR ME. Wishful thinking, Jane, wishful thinking. You won't believe it, it's times like these when I finally get to catch up on my reading. I finished the whole 400-paged novel in three days.
At this very moment, someone whom I knew about two years ago, has suddenly popped up on my MSN. Let me share with you that I am the least please to see him. I really don't know when I'll get the courage to blog my experience with him down, but one thing is for sure, it is because of him that I'm the person I am today, the person who is so insecure about so many things, the person who doesn't really believe in justice in the world, and the person who now believes that people who go to church or are immediate relatives of the head of the church are good people. This world is full of hypocrisies. I cannot deny that. I see it happening, but I cannot stop it. However, I try my best to lessen it by not being a hypocrite myself (although my beau thinks that women, including me, are th biggest hypocrites to walk the earth). To conclude this person, I seriously feel that if I were ever to meet him on the street, and he to greet me with that hypocritical smile he has been wearing all these years of which I don't know the number of people who have fallen into his trap, I'd seriously give him my most sarcastic reply and my ever so transparent you-are-a-sore-to-my-sight smile, and tell him to go fuck himself right in the asshole. Of course, that will be really sweet of me, because that is not what he deserves. What he deserves is excruciating pain way beyond what I've just said, but I've yet the time to slowly describe it. Honestly speaking, they always say God will vindicate, but I seriously want to know when this vindication will take place, because it seems to me that I'm always the one who goes through never-ending spells of excruciating 'burden'. Maybe the vindication for my wrong doing is happening, but I don't really know what I ever did to deserve this. There seriously only so much I can take, and I don't know how much more.Oh-God...
Seriously, I really don't know whether I'm thinking too highly of myself, or whether it's just me growing up, because the people I think highly off really don't seem so appealing after all. As for this guy, I admit I was once a bloody fool, but the bloody fool is bloody no more and neither is she as foolish. In fact, she sees through all your insecurities, your mask of which you tried to build to shade your disabilities and the front with which you try to impress with. If she could, she'd tell the whole world. She'd be doing the world a favour, because then, less people will be conned by you, and you'd have to thank her because she'd be the one who'd give you a wake up call, although that is seriously her point of doing it. So when Sunil and I were walking in Summit today and we bumped into his ex-colleague, I was the least please when this person's name came up. Even his name annoys the hell out of me. I twitch and feel my blood rising at this not-so-god-forbidden name.
Yes, I am a sadistic person, sadistic to the point that I'd hurt myself in order to hurt others, but of course, only applicable when I'm truly irritated and annoyed and want you to feel my pain or at least be guilty about it. Don't ask me why I've turned into such a vengeful person. That's what the world has made me into. I swear to you, exactly ten years ago, when my cousin first met her now-husband, he concluded me in one phrase, happy-go-lucky. And today, that phrase is the total opposite of me. I seriously don't know, maybe it's part of growing up. Growing up is painful but I so wish to grow up quicker. I wish I could see more things and be more mature about it. I want more days like these when I get to think back and see how far I've grown. I may not thoroughly like who I am today, but at least I'm less of a fool than I was before. All these people who belittle me, I sooner or later see through their lies, of how they try to put me down to make themselves look good. Of how they hide behind my shortcomings to conceal their insecurities. I'm bigger than that. And I know.
Last but not least, the thing that hit me while I was walking on college grounds. I may be less than two decades old, but today, I've seen much more than those who've lived that few years more than me. Maybe they've seen it, but have yet to make sense of it. But I honestly say that I am a better person now, than I was two years before. If I were to go back, I'd say that I hated myself then, although beau thought I was bloody hot at that time (even I agree, oh come on, let the girl self-praise herself once in a while). I've met a lot of people, some of which I wish to entirely erase, some of which I keep a distance from, some of which I have no time to say hello to, some of which I really do wish to see but have yet the time, the very few I keep dear to me, the even fewer I let into my personal thoughts, and those of which I'm obligated to be acquainted to. Please don't categorize yourself for what you think you are to me and what you really are to me is almost always drastically different.
Today, I find myself more appreciative of the people who genuinely care, and those who use me as a shield to their insecurities. During school days, I was one of them foolish ones who thought that friends were forever. Mark Thaddeus (he's seriously my friend) once told me that I'd reach a certain age when I'd forgo all that, and cherish only a handful, not a whole class. I denied and tried to prove him wrong. But today, I live to his words, and only cherish a handful. In fact, I'm trying to forget a whole class. I guess it's part of growing up. I told you I was growing up way before my age. Though I really don't wish it'd stop. It's healthy to grow. People who don't grow end up missing out so much in life. I want to grab as many things as I can in life because life has taken so much away from me, it's only fair that I get my best bargain.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'd forget who my friends are. I'm just saying that only certain friends are forever. People like Mabel and Prema whom I've known since we were 1 metre tall. Friends like these stick to you for life. If I don't mention you, it doesn't mean that I don't cherish you. But you know who you are.
My self-actualization today comes in the form of an irony. Here goes:
Those I thought I'd see forever with are those I'm trying to erase right now
Those I thought I couldn't stand, are those whom I find bearable now
Those whom I thought so highly off, now seem so unimportant now
Those whom I thought were real, were only replicas of what really was real
Those whom I've taken the relationship way too seriously, are those who've broken my heart severely
The one whom I'm taking the relationship one step at a time with, is the one who's lasted way longer than any of them and has proven himself (time-to-time basis) way different from the rest
Those whom I wish would be with me forever, are those who are going away in the near future.
Okay, it's a bit scattered, but that's the gist of it. I seriously had it really planned out, like that the ending in 'Sky High' where the guy goes "And now, My best girl friend is my arch enemy, my arch enemy is my best friend, and my best friend is my girl friend". Oh, well, I'll just rephrase the whole thing when I have the time. For now, it is time to hit the bloody books. I hate tax, I need motivation, inspiration. I need a motivation that can last for at least a few years. Speaking of which, I shall write down my dreams which I have already put down in paper soon. It is seriously beautiful, I tell you.
In conclusion, I seriously feel pity for the people who have belittled me, though the bigger part of me actually wants to laugh at them. I really cannot gather all my thoughts together. I feel so improperly cathartic. I want a whole day to blog. Although at least I feel much better now.
This is me at 5 days before my last teenage year. Maybe few years down the line, I'd read this over and have a good laugh about it with a friend who's known me during this time. Maybe. And I secretly loudly hope that I'll be a much better person than I am today, someone whom I myself will come to love. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to admit that. And most importantly, I'm willing to change. And that's coming from a very bloody stubborn person who chooses to believe she's right even though she's wrong, although what people perceive is wrong, she most often can prove right, seriously!
p/s: Dear God, maybe You didn't hear me last semester, but please Please PLEASE I beg of you, PLEASE let me pass all my papers. I don't want to sit in this rut hole any longer than I already have to. Please make my dreams come true.
Night ya'all...
p/p/s: Dasarath's in town again, and I don't get to see him, AGAIN! I know beau's going to ask me why I'm so obsessed with him. You see, seeing Dasa is like seeing Sean Kingston, and since I always miss the opportunity to see Sean Kingston, so I'll make it up by seeing Dasa! Lol, did you know a person who hasn't had enough sleep is as high as a person intoxicated with alcohol? Well now you know, and I'm living proof of that theory.
p/p/p/s: Beau was supposed to enter this for me, but he refused to because he thought it was too negative. I think it's a beautiful metaphor, so here goes:
The girl who had been sitting at the window sill, staring out into the long-pouring rain, is now beginning to lose hope of ever seeing her rainbow, the rain shows no sign of stopping anytime soon, and the girl is starting to feel its gloominess looming around her. The slightest hint of light, is now slowly going dimmer and dimmer. Will she be, one day, entirely engulfed in darkness? Or will the sun shine ever again?
I'm not writing it down to spite him, I just want to remember it. Seriously. By the way, do watch Finding Neverland starring Johnny Depp, I didn't know how metaphorical Peter Pan was until I watched it. I used to hate Peter Pan when I was a kid, because I hated how Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. And how ironic it is right now that when I've finally known the true meaning of Peter Pan, how much I can relate to it.
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