I Am Jane at 5.00am in the morning

So I can't keep my mouth shut / hands still (in the sense of not-typing). Sue me. I'm very very undisciplined this semester. I really don't know why and I want to kill myself for it. Knowing which tomorrow I shall receive an sms from Hem stating how he will spank me if I continue not to study. I really want to say that this will be short, but I seriously am in need of a catharsis right now, since I've been trying to share my thoughts with somebody today but failed numerously.

Well, truth is, I still stick to my point that my blog will be the only thing/person (I want to believe my blog is a living person, sue me) that will never fail to be here to listen/read me (I'm such a confused person). What do I have to say today? Actually, a lot of things. I can't help it. When I'm stressed my brain tends to work doubly hard, although it becomes a scattered brain, where I really do challenge the phrase 'to think outside the box' because when it comes to me, I think way out of the box. So way out, that it doesn't even make sense, or rather, I don't know where that train of thought started from.

Anyways, three weeks till the first exam. I know my strategy, and am on the way of implementing it, although the success rate is still unknown and I really don't wish to know what it is. So if you're a kind soul who happens to be passing by, DO PRAY FOR ME. Wishful thinking, Jane, wishful thinking. You won't believe it, it's times like these when I finally get to catch up on my reading. I finished the whole 400-paged novel in three days.

At this very moment, someone whom I knew about two years ago, has suddenly popped up on my MSN. Let me share with you that I am the least please to see him. I really don't know when I'll get the courage to blog my experience with him down, but one thing is for sure, it is because of him that I'm the person I am today, the person who is so insecure about so many things, the person who doesn't really believe in justice in the world, and the person who now believes that people who go to church or are immediate relatives of the head of the church are good people. This world is full of hypocrisies. I cannot deny that. I see it happening, but I cannot stop it. However, I try my best to lessen it by not being a hypocrite myself (although my beau thinks that women, including me, are th biggest hypocrites to walk the earth). To conclude this person, I seriously feel that if I were ever to meet him on the street, and he to greet me with that hypocritical smile he has been wearing all these years of which I don't know the number of people who have fallen into his trap, I'd seriously give him my most sarcastic reply and my ever so transparent you-are-a-sore-to-my-sight smile, and tell him to go fuck himself right in the asshole. Of course, that will be really sweet of me, because that is not what he deserves. What he deserves is excruciating pain way beyond what I've just said, but I've yet the time to slowly describe it. Honestly speaking, they always say God will vindicate, but I seriously want to know when this vindication will take place, because it seems to me that I'm always the one who goes through never-ending spells of excruciating 'burden'. Maybe the vindication for my wrong doing is happening, but I don't really know what I ever did to deserve this. There seriously only so much I can take, and I don't know how much more.Oh-God...

Seriously, I really don't know whether I'm thinking too highly of myself, or whether it's just me growing up, because the people I think highly off really don't seem so appealing after all. As for this guy, I admit I was once a bloody fool, but the bloody fool is bloody no more and neither is she as foolish. In fact, she sees through all your insecurities, your mask of which you tried to build to shade your disabilities and the front with which you try to impress with. If she could, she'd tell the whole world. She'd be doing the world a favour, because then, less people will be conned by you, and you'd have to thank her because she'd be the one who'd give you a wake up call, although that is seriously her point of doing it. So when Sunil and I were walking in Summit today and we bumped into his ex-colleague, I was the least please when this person's name came up. Even his name annoys the hell out of me. I twitch and feel my blood rising at this not-so-god-forbidden name.

Yes, I am a sadistic person, sadistic to the point that I'd hurt myself in order to hurt others, but of course, only applicable when I'm truly irritated and annoyed and want you to feel my pain or at least be guilty about it. Don't ask me why I've turned into such a vengeful person. That's what the world has made me into. I swear to you, exactly ten years ago, when my cousin first met her now-husband, he concluded me in one phrase, happy-go-lucky. And today, that phrase is the total opposite of me. I seriously don't know, maybe it's part of growing up. Growing up is painful but I so wish to grow up quicker. I wish I could see more things and be more mature about it. I want more days like these when I get to think back and see how far I've grown. I may not thoroughly like who I am today, but at least I'm less of a fool than I was before. All these people who belittle me, I sooner or later see through their lies, of how they try to put me down to make themselves look good. Of how they hide behind my shortcomings to conceal their insecurities. I'm bigger than that. And I know.

Last but not least, the thing that hit me while I was walking on college grounds. I may be less than two decades old, but today, I've seen much more than those who've lived that few years more than me. Maybe they've seen it, but have yet to make sense of it. But I honestly say that I am a better person now, than I was two years before. If I were to go back, I'd say that I hated myself then, although beau thought I was bloody hot at that time (even I agree, oh come on, let the girl self-praise herself once in a while). I've met a lot of people, some of which I wish to entirely erase, some of which I keep a distance from, some of which I have no time to say hello to, some of which I really do wish to see but have yet the time, the very few I keep dear to me, the even fewer I let into my personal thoughts, and those of which I'm obligated to be acquainted to. Please don't categorize yourself for what you think you are to me and what you really are to me is almost always drastically different.

Today, I find myself more appreciative of the people who genuinely care, and those who use me as a shield to their insecurities. During school days, I was one of them foolish ones who thought that friends were forever. Mark Thaddeus (he's seriously my friend) once told me that I'd reach a certain age when I'd forgo all that, and cherish only a handful, not a whole class. I denied and tried to prove him wrong. But today, I live to his words, and only cherish a handful. In fact, I'm trying to forget a whole class. I guess it's part of growing up. I told you I was growing up way before my age. Though I really don't wish it'd stop. It's healthy to grow. People who don't grow end up missing out so much in life. I want to grab as many things as I can in life because life has taken so much away from me, it's only fair that I get my best bargain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'd forget who my friends are. I'm just saying that only certain friends are forever. People like Mabel and Prema whom I've known since we were 1 metre tall. Friends like these stick to you for life. If I don't mention you, it doesn't mean that I don't cherish you. But you know who you are.

My self-actualization today comes in the form of an irony. Here goes:

Those I thought I'd see forever with are those I'm trying to erase right now
Those I thought I couldn't stand, are those whom I find bearable now
Those whom I thought so highly off, now seem so unimportant now
Those whom I thought were real, were only replicas of what really was real
Those whom I've taken the relationship way too seriously, are those who've broken my heart severely
The one whom I'm taking the relationship one step at a time with, is the one who's lasted way longer than any of them and has proven himself (time-to-time basis) way different from the rest
Those whom I wish would be with me forever, are those who are going away in the near future.

Okay, it's a bit scattered, but that's the gist of it. I seriously had it really planned out, like that the ending in 'Sky High' where the guy goes "And now, My best girl friend is my arch enemy, my arch enemy is my best friend, and my best friend is my girl friend". Oh, well, I'll just rephrase the whole thing when I have the time. For now, it is time to hit the bloody books. I hate tax, I need motivation, inspiration. I need a motivation that can last for at least a few years. Speaking of which, I shall write down my dreams which I have already put down in paper soon. It is seriously beautiful, I tell you.

In conclusion, I seriously feel pity for the people who have belittled me, though the bigger part of me actually wants to laugh at them. I really cannot gather all my thoughts together. I feel so improperly cathartic. I want a whole day to blog. Although at least I feel much better now.

This is me at 5 days before my last teenage year. Maybe few years down the line, I'd read this over and have a good laugh about it with a friend who's known me during this time. Maybe. And I secretly loudly hope that I'll be a much better person than I am today, someone whom I myself will come to love. I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to admit that. And most importantly, I'm willing to change. And that's coming from a very bloody stubborn person who chooses to believe she's right even though she's wrong, although what people perceive is wrong, she most often can prove right, seriously!


p/s: Dear God, maybe You didn't hear me last semester, but please Please PLEASE I beg of you, PLEASE let me pass all my papers. I don't want to sit in this rut hole any longer than I already have to. Please make my dreams come true.

Night ya'all...

p/p/s: Dasarath's in town again, and I don't get to see him, AGAIN! I know beau's going to ask me why I'm so obsessed with him. You see, seeing Dasa is like seeing Sean Kingston, and since I always miss the opportunity to see Sean Kingston, so I'll make it up by seeing Dasa! Lol, did you know a person who hasn't had enough sleep is as high as a person intoxicated with alcohol? Well now you know, and I'm living proof of that theory.

p/p/p/s: Beau was supposed to enter this for me, but he refused to because he thought it was too negative. I think it's a beautiful metaphor, so here goes:

The girl who had been sitting at the window sill, staring out into the long-pouring rain, is now beginning to lose hope of ever seeing her rainbow, the rain shows no sign of stopping anytime soon, and the girl is starting to feel its gloominess looming around her. The slightest hint of light, is now slowly going dimmer and dimmer. Will she be, one day, entirely engulfed in darkness? Or will the sun shine ever again?

I'm not writing it down to spite him, I just want to remember it. Seriously. By the way, do watch Finding Neverland starring Johnny Depp, I didn't know how metaphorical Peter Pan was until I watched it. I used to hate Peter Pan when I was a kid, because I hated how Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. And how ironic it is right now that when I've finally known the true meaning of Peter Pan, how much I can relate to it.