I am Jane down the gutter

Notice the progression of my blog titles, from emotional high right down to miserable douche bag. Most of the time, I psyche myself into believing I'm happy. Most of the time, when I really am not happy, I put on a happy face, and I live in denial pretending to be happy. And then there are days when the dam is full and I break down. I have no reason to believe in humanity anymore. I don't know why I bother being a good person when those who are evil triumph above me. I have reached the point where I know that personal values are more important than rigid man-written principles. But there are people who don't respect my wishes.

I don't know why I bother being nice, when no one bothers when I'm being nice, but bother when I'm not. I don't know why I bother obliging and offering assistance, when I know nobody will do the same for me. I don't know why I bother being the type of friend that nobody will bother being to me. And I know that this is not a 100% hit, but it is at least 90% including those I give the benefit of doubt to.

I refrain from saying I hate my life, because people always tell me that things will get better. I wake up everyday, looking forward for that day. But there are days I wake up, and realise that things are still the same as they were, the day I decided to wait for things to get better. Here I am trying to be at peace with at least myself, but the external factors will never leave me alone. Although I know I cannot live on an island, I sure wish I could.

My mentors and peers tell me that I have the potential. That I have something inside me that can spur me to greater heights, something that is capable of giving me that edge. But they all tell me that, and leave me to figure it out for myself. Throughout my whole formal education, even until now they tell me that. But they never reveal to me what it is, let alone nurture me in the right direction, or even at least put me on the right track. I'm always left to figure things out on my own. Most of the time I do, but until today, I really have no idea what I'm fully capable of.

I know I'm changing, that I'm growing, that I'm maturing. I know that I have to, and I'm glad that I am. But I just know that I can do all that much faster, if I had someone to look up to. Someone that will not let me down. I know that people come and go, but in my life, they do it too frequently, leaving me with all these questions unanswered.

My life has been full-steam ahead. I don't regret any of it, and I don't regret the pace I'm going at. The beau tells me that I should wait until it's my turn, for things to happen when they should. If I didn't push myself, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Sze Wei asked me a question that I've long put at the back of my head. Am I happy doing what I am right now? At the beginning I never thought I'd like being an accountant, but as I progressed, I realised that accounting is not all about balancing figures, debiting and crediting entries. There are certain aspects of accounting that I like. But I also realise that I like certain aspects of everything, and that I'm good at it. For instance, I love sketching, but I hate colouring (perhaps it is a metaphor as to how I view life, all white and grey), I love physics, but I hate biology and chemistry (and Jo Ann can never understand how I get the concepts so easily), I love playing the piano, but I hate scales, and I love dancing, but I hate choreography (because I can't remember the steps). These are the little conversations I get that remind me that I am not even close to where I want to be.

I think Mr Choong Chee Kheong (aka Mabel's superior) is an insightful man. I've only met him a few times, but I remember his words while we were at lunch until today. Most of the time, we do things we don't like to please people we don't like. I don't know why we bother, but I do know that I try my level best to not bother about people like this. He also said that the smartest person, is the person who isn't arrogant about his intelligence, but is a fool in the eyes of others. It took me a long while to digest that one, but I realise that I finally understand the concept of it, heart and soul. And it is different how people treat you when they think that you're a dodo-bird - you actually see their true colours. Even better still, because they think you're the dodo-bird they don't know that they're the bigger dodo-bird themselves.

Early February, I made another informal resolution. That is to rid myself of all the negative energy and vibes surrounding me. This includes getting rid of the people that not only don't contribute to my well-being positively, but stunt growth as well. I haven't figured out how, and I haven't figured out who, but let's just say that one man's meat is another man's poison. One man's friend is another man's enemy? Why should I bother wasting my time and effort, and my emotions on people who make me feel down, demotivated, degraded, depresses, angry, annoyed. If they were my friend, they'd meant for me to be well, but these people just obviously don't. So why bother?

And then there are those who step all over me, use me in and out, and keep me back in the closet till my service is needed again. Don't even get me started on them. I can't be bothered anymore. I know I will say this, and then I will forget it after a while, and then I'll be the same again, and then I'll get treated the same way again. I just wished I'd learn my lesson hard and good. So I won't waste my time feeling like this again. Why bother?

I don't know why I bother being humble when people take advantage of me. I don't know why I bother being obliging when nobody is obliged to me. I don't know why I bother blogging and I don't know why people actually read when they all think "here she goes exagerating again". I know I tend to exagerate at times, but trust me when I say that this is way mellowed down that what is going on in my life. I am not consciously gothic, but I do have the characteristics of one. I don't choose to be gothic because it's cool or because I want to join a cult, I just so happen to fit their recognition criterias, but refuse to be categorized as one of them. Maybe I should buy more eyeliner. Perhaps.

Maybe I've chosen the right career, they all say auditors have to work their asses off, which means that they have no time for socializing, and so when it comes to their work, there will be no threat on their independence. Maybe I should start being a workaholic like my boss, she just sits and stares in front of the PC the whole day earning money. The minimum contact did us good, and I was happy. So yes, just maybe.


disclaimer: read at own risk. Apparently I have the capability of making the readers of my blog as miserable as I am. I warned you. Scenarios stated above are not of 100% consistency, but make up for at least 90% of my life. I don't know why I bothered writing this down.