I am Jane the heartless bitch

That's right. You read correctly. I don't know how long this entry is going to be, but I've been meaning to write this for quite some time now. I'm currently at the CC waiting for the beau and his friends to finish playing left4dead. Perhaps it is fated that I must write this down. So here goes:

I'm trying as hard as I can to not make it sound as if my life is miserable right now, because I don't believe in empathy. But who knows. If you think I'm whining, please click the red box with an "X" in it on the top right corner of your screen. Don't try to call me to ask me how I am. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready to face the world, yet. I've been kicked so hard, that I'm being forced to make drastic changes at a pace much faster than I would have expected. May be everything is happening because this chapter in my life is closing, soon. I'm excited to start the new chapter, because it would be everything I've ever talked about. It will determine who I'll be, and whether or not I will be able to achieve my dreams. And the things happening now are meant to prepare me for the next challenge.

In the past three months, my life has been a constant roller coaster, the longest roller coaster that I've ever been on. With lots of ups, and definitely multiplied amounts of downs. I tried not to complain, I tried to take everyday as it comes hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. But it never did get better, if not worse. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know why my luck has been so bad lately. I wanted to blog about it, but I realised that nobody would understand anyway. So I'm not going to bother.

The emotions I've felt,
The expressions I've seen,
The attitudes I've had to choke up,
The body languages I've had to decipher.

I'm so tired.
And constantly I've been looking for a POSITIVE genuine true friend. But I've yet to find that person. We all turn ugly at times. I've tried to keep my cool. But there were times when I've really screamed my lungs out during this period. Which is why I am afraid.

I've never screamed at a person, let alone to face to face. The worst I'd do would be to show you sarcasm in its truest form, so hurtful you'd resent me for the rest of your life. But I've failed this time around. I have no idea how many people I've screamed at. And I've no idea how many people have had to eat my sarcasm. And of course this includes the beau who still has no idea what's wrong with me. Heck, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Just last year, I thought I knew myself. I thought that I had found this person that I'm happy to be, and that I'd be happy for quite some time before things changed, ideally, when I reach middle age. But no, at the brink of my last teenage year, I am struck once again with this whole crappy episode that I'm not willing to endure, especially during this time. I wouldn't be in so much trouble if it had been any semester except this. I already have such a heavy load that there's just no space for anything else. I've sacrificed so many things, all in the name of my FUTURE, of which is not even here yet, and not feasible.

And here I am trying to figure myself out once again. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming.
I'm glad that I'm maturing, but I'm scared of turning boring.
I'm glad that I'm graduating, but I'm scared of having to earn a living.
I'm glad that I'm becoming stronger, but I'm scared that I'd be detached from my emotions.

I want to be emotional. I want to be attached to my feelings. I want to feel every cut, every bleed, every pinch, every joy, every touch. But in becoming stronger, I know that I'm becoming numb. I don't want to age before my time. I want to be wise, but I don't want it to show on my face.

My body is failing me, undoubtedly. And people keep asking me why I keep on getting sick. One day, I felt so sick that I just felt like crawling to the doctor's to moan and groan about my pains, but I realised that I didn't know what to tell the doctor when I faced him. And that is when I realised that all this is just psychosomatic. Really typical signs. And my bruxism has gotten so bad, my teeth hurt during the day, when I'm not even chewing.

Please shed some light on to me. I don't know where to head, I don't know what to do. I don't understand why it must be now of all times. The beau says that I have the tendency to become an over-achiever, a spinster who will spend the rest of her days lonely, grumpy and self-righteous. We all know people like that. And we hate most of them (except a handful who are so nice, you won't even believe they're that old, of course). I don't want to become someone like that. I want a full life. I don't want to be self-righteous because I currently have to deal with a couple who is like that, and it sucks. Especially when you're trying so hard to act when it's so obvious you're such a BAD actor (SUCK IT!) Urgh! I'm so tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep since forever. And it's catching up on me. I feel so tired, and detached from the world, I didn't even realise that I have only one month more until my exams. And I don't even know how to deal with that yet. This whole episode is sucking the life forces out of me.

This entry is entitled so, because I'm going to be a bitch starting now. I'm going to start living for myself, not for others. I'm not going to pretend I like you just because I have to. I'm not going to listen to you when all you do is put in negative comments that only demotivate me (what kind of friend is that?), and I'm not going to bother about you who only calls me when you need my help. And I most definitely am not going to talk to you the hypocrite. I'm sick and tired of having to deal with all these crap. And I woke up one day and realised that I've been so stupid to let you walk all over me and influence my decisions. Jane will be Jane, and if you don't like me, please leave. I don't need you to change me. I change myself because I want to improve, not because I want to please you. I'm not going to live to please anyone, anymore. I'm not saying this to anyone specifically, yet, but if you think you've been any of the above to me, well thank you for being in my life and stepping all over me, because if it weren't for you, my working life would suck even worse. My life does not revolve around you, and I did not write this post with the intention of directing it to you. I wrote this because it is my self-actualisation, not yours. Good for you if you have nice friends who will wait on your every whim and fancy. Good for you if you have friends to talk to about who slept with who and who cheated. Good for you if you have someone to cry to. As for me, I need to rethink about who my real friends are, and I need to look for new ones to broaden my horizon. I'm not totally cutting everyone off, just those who've stepped on me enough for me to feel like dirt. I really can't be bothered. I really can't. There are days when I just wished I could row a boat into the middle of the ocean and settle on some random island.

I'm sorry I can't make you understand my level of stress, but I'm at the age where people my age are not supposed to go through things that I'm going through, and the causes of my sky-rocketing stress levels is due to things that shouldn't be happening to people my age. I'm stuck. No "Not a girl, not yet a woman" nonsense for me. I'm just stuck.

I realise that I'm not strong. I fall down easily. I'm emotional. And I let myself drown in my own emotions. Because I like to. Because I know one day, I will wake up, and realise that that time is over, and I will be a whole better person. That's me. I rise up much faster than I can fall down.

All my life, I've absorbed everything into myself, trying hard to only put my feelings into words. For the past three months, the bottle I've been keeping my emotions in has overflowed umpteen times. I need a bigger bottle. I wasn't even given the chance to have a reboot session. Everytime I took my own leave, problems never cease to pop up in the middle of my break. And so, I am now overworked, overwhelmed, and super stressed. Good night. Depending on what will follow, I might close the blog to only my close friends. Depends.

I'm in need of a real good catharsis. But no one would let me have one. My alcohol inventory is depleted, shopping therapy doesn't work, screaming doesn't work, focusing on studies doesn't work, talking doesn't work, and binge eating doesn't work. I think I need to go bungee jumping or something. And if I ever were to commit suicide, I'd jump of a really tall building. Why? At least I'd feel liberated during that few seconds before I hit the ground, once to break all the bones in my body, and twice to kill me.