I am Jane's honest longing wish

I was writing something very very deep when it got disrupted by a phone call. And now, I don't feel like continuing it anymore, maybe I'll keep it for another day, but things that come out later aren't as good as when they're fresh. That is me. If I repeat myself too many a time, it just doesn't sound as good anymore.
I am really really stressed out right now. And whatever made me stressed out doesn't even concern me. Of course, I am always there when people call me, even at 3am, but right now, when I need someone to cheer me up, I see no one. Maybe beau is right. I should stop caring. I've already given up bothering. And maybe, just maybe, I shall only look out for myself.

My holiday was fine, maybe I was starting to rot, and there always is my mum's nagging. Truth is I've gotten pretty used to it, of course there still is discomfort and irritation when she talks about things I already know and wish not to talk about, but how do I tell her that the torture of having to think of it by myself is bad enough? That is one thing my mother does not understand. I personally prefer hands-on self-experience. I mean, if I did something wrong, which I AM already feeling guilty about and it isn't actually a secret, I think its torture enough having to sit and ponder about my own doings by myself. I don't need you to add salt and sugar anymore. After all, I'm not a small kid anymore and I do have a conscience. That is, unless you believe that you have not brought your children up right. This are the things I hate.

People adding salt on to an already self-inflicted fresh wound. You may argue that the salt is good for killing bacteria that may attack the wound. But do remember that the addition of salt causes pain. And let's not forget how the Japanese used to kill innocent people by cutting them up in different places and splashing them with salt water. It's perfect. The salt was meant to help the wound heal, but of course, an intolerable amount becomes a deadly weapon. I'm already feeling depressed and very guilty and here you are at my ear nagging and yelling things that I know and already heard of. Sometimes you really can't help but blame human nature. If everybody did as they were told, and not do anything of which consequence is already a known fact, we'd might as well just install microchips in our brains and leave all the thinking to whoever ruled over the planet. That'd be so much easier wouldn't it? It's not like a thieve does not know that stealing is wrong before he does it. All I want is for you to accept what I do and not nag me about it. I know what I'm doing and I know the consequences. If you'd stop and listen than maybe I'd give you a chance to know. But I do not the foresee that day to be any nearer than it ever has.

Frustration. Nope, I don't deal with frustration very well.

Sometimes, I really wonder what is right and what is wrong.
Who governs what is right and what is wrong. And why is right right and why wrong cannot be right. I wish I couldn't care less, than maybe I'd hurt less. Sometimes I wish I were alone, maybe I'd deal with loneliness better than frustration. Till today, I cannot differentiate what is true from what is false. And even if it is the truth staring at me right in the face, isn't it humanly possible as well as normal to just deny? Whenever everything fails, there is always denial. Denial is something that everyone will have. Whether your denial holds true is an entirely different story.

Sometimes I wonder why it is so complicated to be human. Why can't we all live a simple life? What is the need for lies, deception, and manipulation? if everyone told the truth, wouldn't everyone be happy? And of course, the truth must start from the beginning till the end. It cannot start half way, because then, it will lead to omission. Which makes telling the truth in the first place entirely useless.

The world is a place, where answers can be found. There is no such thing as an unsolvable mystery. No man ever has no options. It's just us who refuse to take the option. Although we can't be blamed all the time. Options are always available. Options always lead to solutions. The difficulty lies in choosing the option that causes the least damage. That is the one thing that influences are decision. Days when you seem as if you are left with no choice, these are days where you have explored every option which each have severe consequences behind them. The trick is to choose the least risky option which will cause the least damages. Is that not so?

This leads to the fact that the world was made simple. Water is water, and earth is earth. Water is made out of two hydrogen atoms, and one oxygen atom, or so we think that's what its called. Discovering wonders does not give anyone the right to play God. Because it'd be an irony since it wouldn't be a wonder to God. Again, sometimes I feel as if the human mind has been so polluted that it has ripped the earth of all its simplicity. I really wish my own mind was not polluted with all this need for complexity. Why do we have to hide behind a mask and be someone we don't want to be? That is something I'm trying to live without nowadays. And believe it or not, I'm actually even trying it with my mum. After all these years of doing what she deliberately says not to, I've decided that I shall stay within my boundaries, even if it means staying on the line. But of course, I will not sacrifice my soul for that. And by that I mean I shall not deprived myself from the right to love and love back. This is a universal thing. It's true my mother do not approve of all the friends I hang out with, but I think I should know my friends better than my mother does. After all, I spend more time with them than she does. It may be true that she may have more experience when it comes to judging people. But that does not mean that her judgement is flawless. Very often I have found that my mother's judgements are clouded with her own hauntings and misinterpretations, and her own wrong doings, but let's not forget the tendency to be paranoid. Sometimes I wish I could write this big article in some newspaper so that every parent can see what they sometimes do to their children. It's not always true that mummy knows best. Very often, the intention may be good, but the actions may be wrong, thus leading to the wrong results. Truth is, many of these books/articles have been written by adults who've very often forgotten what it feels like to be a kid. Sure, we remember bits and pieces, but very often, how we feel about those bits and pieces can be very different when we decipher it at different times of our lives. I, for one, admit to that. It all boils down to the fact that people grow with time, and their perspectives change. Sometimes I feel proud of whom I've become. Sometimes I do feel grateful to my mum, and yes, I sometimes do catch her by simply raising the question "Do you think you've raised kids that are that bad?" or simply "Do you really think that you've thought us no that?". Although I strongly feel that even with great examples, a person should not and must not entirely absorb all the characteristics that are passed on to her. It just wouldn't be natural. It would feel like wearing someone else's dentures. We ourselves must have an internal filtering system which deciphers for ourselves, which is good for us, and which is not. Is it not a natural process to only take what is good, cultivate it and let it grow, and leave the bad behind? After all, there really is no use in cultivating bad seeds. I remember when I was really young, and my mum kept interfering with everything I wanted to do. Basically, she said no to everything I wanted to do, forced me into something I really didn't like, told me what a fool I was, and discouraged me from cultivating the love I might have had for what she forced me to do. I remember being so frustrated, that I locked myself in the room, and decided to write her a letter which I meant to hold her accountable for all the misery I felt. I could never understand how my mother could bear to see her own daughter in tears and feeling like crap and not show a single hint of compassion. I hid the letter among my mother clothes, secretly hoping that she'd never find it, or find it way later when she'd have forgotten about what I've done, of course risking a perfectly quiet day which I might have had until she found the letter. But she found the letter a few hours later. And it was a real shocker for me that she didn't scream at me. Because I was prepared to get a scolding of my life, cry, scream, kick and do what I have to do just so I'd be able to release whatever she had made me felt throughout the years all in one blow. But it never came. In contrary, she actually said sorry! That was the day I found out my mother was human too, and even I was able to make her feel mortal without showing a hint of compassion on my face. And perhaps because of that, my mother's foul mood has always been acquainted to my doings, whether wrong or right. Just imagine how horrible it feels, to have her speak bad about you in front of your brother. And just imagine if he'd take it the wrong way and believed he was the arrogant fool who was perfect in the eyes of his mother.

Some days, you feel as if some people really can't be helped. I've been in both situations before. And I dare say that everyone has been in them as well. The problem with humans is the hypocrisy they all practise. It's easy to point fingers when you're not the one whom everyone is pointing too. However how easily we let ourselves forget that we might have been the one sitting on the hot seat with all those fingers pointing at your direction. I try hard to remind myself that I don't have any more right than any of these people pointing their fingers, looking for a prey. Are we all not guilty for one thing or another? There is no one on earth who will never face accusation and judgement. It's amazing how insensitivity has rooted itself into our skins, making us feel no shame at all until their turn comes.

What more can I do, but just say all these? Things that seem senseless to the rest of the world, but really do carry much more thought than the weight of each word. People say karma is simple and easy to understand. It follows the principle of 'do unto others what you want done unto you'. However, this karma which I do believe is meant to be simple, has been made complex as the world's simplicity was ripped out of it. And thus, leaving me to wonder if what we do really will come back to us. Because I see a lot of people doing misdeeds for very long periods of time, but still prospering. Which sometimes wonder if I'm a worse person than they are since they are capable of happiness while I'm not. I wonder what I've done that is so wrong that I don't deserve to feel happy without having to worry that this happiness will come to a very bitter end. I wonder what is it that I'm doing enough to qualify to feel that way. I see people who pour out their hearts and souls but being unappreciated, and on the other hand I see people who do a half-hearted job but receiving praises way beyond fair. So, maybe the world in all its complexity has gone haywire and has decided to favour those who don't try, and let those who try keep trying.

In the Bible, it is said that this world is not forever. God will save all those he can, and build a new world. Some say that it's because he feels that this world is no longer good for us. I can see why. And I do agree with starting afresh, something I'm trying very hard to do myself.


P/s: I'm sleep deprived, and I think my whole holidays have been ruined. I was hoping to go back revived to start all over again on a fresh sheet of paper. But I guess I accidentally spilt ink on it already. I wish I could just turn over to another page and get ready for the new semester. And so, my one longing wish, is to feel happy, without having a single trace of worry at all. To feel pure utter happiness without having to wonder when it will run out. To feel happiness, without having to think that it will end because life is full of ups and downs. To be on top, and stuck, remembering how it felt like at the bottom, never having to worry of falling down again.