I am Jane's bad idea

This was a bad idea.

Please.

Seriously.

You thought you could do this whole sit still shit?

Oh God,

I'm beginning to doubt how much I know myself.

I hate you!!!

Why do you do this to me?

Now you've disappeared again.

I swear to God.

You intrigue me.

You intrigue the hell out of me.

I can't figure you out.

And it's bugging me.

I am Jane's Confusion

Are you calling because you care,

or are you calling because you have to?

Are you calling to see how I am,

or are you calling because you want to rub it in my face?

Heck, I don't know why I even give in to you and your whims!

Why do I even pick up your calls.

Why are you doing this to me?

Can you please cut the crap?

I've learnt my lesson.

You've made your point.

Can we now please go back to normal?

ARGHHH...I swear to God.

Even I hate myself now.

I hate how I'm acting and whining about you.

NO ONE messes with my head.

NO ONE makes me feel like that.

I don't want YOU to be the first one.

God, give me a sign.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can solve this once and for all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc7W8Q-g9Lg

See I don't understand how you're number one

When it was just a fling before

Now you're the one.

Akulah Kenangan Terindah Jane

Ayang,

Arini sya terbyg tm ayg duk2 sblah sya.

Ayg sgt syg sya tm tu.

Sya x tau ke mana gi nya sume rasa kasih syg itu.

Mmg sya x dpt tpu dri.

Sya mmg rindukan ayg.

Rindu sgt2.

Bab ngan ayg, sya x perlu risau pape.

Sumenye ayg yg jaga.

Sumenye ayg yg tlg rasa marah tuk sya.

Dgn ayg, relax je.

Cam dunia ni x wujud.

Yg wujud hanya kitorg

Sya teringat ayg tibe2 pegang tgn sya,

belek sini belek sana.

Pastu tergelak sniri.

Rupa2nya ayg cari2 tahi lalat sya.

Org kita same hingga tahi lalat pon nak same gak.

Hairan tol.

Suke gile sye tgk ayg tersenyum lebar.

Ayg pernah janji nak kasi letak byk2 gambak kat facebook.

Bab ayg nak tgk sye happy.

Ayg tau sye happy bile tgk ayg senyum lebar2.

Bile tgk ayg senyum,

hati sye rasa sejuk je.

Rasa cam, sumenye pon leh lupe.

Sya x tau la ke mana gi nya sume janji2 ayg tu.

Sya masi x caya ayg kan tpu sya.

Sya tau, stiap kali ayg tpu sya tu tuk kebaikan sya gak,

tpi lambat laun ayg gitau gak sbab sbnarnye.

Tpi skrg, ntah la bape lame sye kena tunggu smpai ayg sudi gitau sya perkara sbnarnya.

Ape mulut ayg gitu manis hingga janji pon jdi cam benar?

Sya x caya, ayg.

Ade bezanya lau sorg to ckap tpu ngan ckap benar.

Sya x paham nape ayg x kasi sye chance tuk memahami ayg.

X tau la ayg.

Tm ayg ade,

ayg x kasi sye dengar lagu ni.

Bab ayg x mau sya jdi kenangan terindah.

Ayg x mau kite berpisah.

Skrg, jgnkan kenangan terindah.

Ayg nak lupekan sye,

lupekan segala2nye.

Tpi sya x leh.

N sya x sudi.

Biarlah ayg tiada di hidup sya.

Tpi sya tetap mau ayg jdi kenangan terindah lam idup sya.

Bkan krn apa.

Tpi bab sya x pernah rasakan hati yg gitu ikhlas pda sya.

Mungkin kita x kan berjumpe gi.

Tpi, ayg mmg lain.

N sya dah letih sgt.

Mungkin ayg syg sya gi.

Tpi ayg rasakan lebih baik kite x bersama.

Sya hormat keputusan ayg.

Ape leh sye wat.

Sye x nak paksa2 ayg gi.

Bab sya paham prangai ayg.

Biarlah ayg,

janji kmu x smpai benci sya.

Sya mengaku kalah.

Sya perlukan masa tuk sembuh.

Mungkin satu hari nti,

sya harap kita dpt berjumpa.

Ayg pernah janji nak trus trang ngan sya kan.

Tu sja yg akan sya minta tm tu.

Bab sya pon ade yg nak bertrus trang ngan ayg.

Ayg amik lah mase brapa lame pon tuk pikir.

Bab sya sniri pon nak pikir gak.

Slamat tinggal, syangku.

I am Jane today

Mornings are the worst.

I wake up,

knowing there is no message from you,

knowing that you haven't called,

knowing that I wasn't the first thing you thought about when you first woke up.

I try to drag waking up.

Because then I'd have less of the day to witness,

to sit and wait around.

I know I'm being childish.

But why shouldn't I?

I don't understand why I should be mature everytime.

Thinking about the positive instead of the negative.

Yeah, I want to drown in sorrow.

Well I'm just being realistic.

I want to face the problem.

I don't want to push it away,

put on a smile,

and pretend that everything's alright when it isn't.

I am addressing the problem.

I don't think I'm that bad a judge of character.

I met Jums a year ago.

I knew I wanted to know him better because I knew there was more to him.

And guess what?

I was right.

As fate would have had it,

we met again this year.

There was way more to him than I thought there was.

As for you.

I don't know.

Right now, every single song I listen to reminds me of you.

You and your promises.

This one,

I guess we were both playing with fire.

"I tried to believe every word of your sweet story,

but intuition keeps telling me

you're making a fool outta me"

Maybe this would have been more appropriate when we started fighting,

when you started drifting away.

You really thought that I wouldn't notice?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing means more than the truth

And the truth is that I realize love is fading from your eyes

Don't know how it came to this but we gonna get it fixed tonight

Coz nothing, nothing, nothing is worth losing you"

I don't know if I still feel that way,

but when I first read the lyrics,

it hit me bad.

Because we promised we'd tell each other the truth.

You and I, we both were tired and sick of the lies involved in a relationship.

Our relationship might not have been a healthy one,

but it was a very convenient one.

It worked there and then.

Maybe it wouldn't work next year.

But I don't understand why you got so afraid.

This is for now.

Your lies are really haunting me,

I know your eyes will give me answers to the why.

I don't know.

I don't believe any of your stories now.

Maybe by doing so,

I'll get even more hurt in the end,

if I find out that you have been telling me the truth all the time.

But right now,

I don't know.

Maybe we will have another shot.

But we both know that we never were for second shots.

Let's see how it goes.

I'm not giving you anymore of my ego.

You have had enough.

It's your turn now.

And oh, boy.

I know how to make you beg and plead.

"See the mirror in your eyes,

see the truth behind your lies,

your lies are haunting me.

See the reason in your eyes,

giving answer to the why,

your eyes are haunting me"

This is how you made me feel,

that's why we worked then.

We can still work.

Because everytime that you do call me,

I still hear how much you care for me in your voice.

You have anger,

you have jealousy,

and maybe you had too much of both.

But deep down inside,

I know that you can't forget me.

That is why you want to go cold turkey.

I don't understand why you can't be honest with me about it.

You know I'll help you.

You know that we'd be able to talk through this.

I guess I've learnt that,

and you haven't.

Maybe one day you will up and realise.

But it will be too late,

because I will no longer be waiting for you.

You are right,

if you didn't care,

you wouldn't bother to call me anymore.

You'd just switch numbers.

That is all I have hanging right now.

I won't push you anymore.

You take your time and think about it.

You take your time to realise that you miss me.

I just hope you won't be stupid enough to drown all that with other things.

Right now, I'm indifferent to your calls and messages.

Knowing that you still make an effort makes a difference.

It is not the substance of our calls anymore.

Come to your senses, boy.

I don't want to be a drama queen,

I just want you to see,

Everything I need.

I am Jane's decision

I think I'm going to leave you be.

I don't want to push you.

I have my own dignity.

And I know you understand me.

I've already given enough of my pride to you.

Maybe if we took a breather,

you'll come back.

I don't want to force you anymore.

Somewhere deep down inside

I know all this is not happening.

Then maybe you will come back.

And we can start a new game.

Remember,

it's only a game.

I am Jane's mood swing

I figured it all out.

I never would have guessed Sasha would have understood.

Maybe that's how she felt 2 years ago.

I don't know why I let you make me feel this way.

Something inside is telling me this isn't true.

I don't know which hurts more.

The reason for your lies,

or the lie itself.

I only want closure.

Seriously.

Right now,

my intuitions are telling me that it was all a lie.

What you don't know is that I'm lying to you too.

So let's see who gets the last laugh.

Yes, in that way you intrigue me.

Like I said, we have many things in common.

So it's much easier to gauge your actions than you think.

We could have been good together.

Imagine all the mind games we would play.

Right now, I only want to win this one.

I am Jane in the morning

I hate mornings.

Everybody knows that.

I hate waking up in the morning.

I hate the bright sunshine.

I hate the morning dew.

And now I have a new reason to hate mornings.

Everyday I wake up is like a torture.

Is today the day?

Will I finally snap out of it?

And the worst things is to find out that it feels like today is exactly the same as yesterday.

It feels like time is refusing to move.

What have you done to me?

I'm not myself.

I guess I shouldn't have played with fire.

I was in control of the fire.

But somewhere some how,

the fire spread to an unknown place.

And now I can't find it.

And of course, it's growing bigger and bigger by the day.

All I can do is hope that the area is airtight.

So that one day, the fire will run out of oxygen.

And die on its own.

I am Jane's Insanity

So I spent about a month moping, and brooding, and letting this person run my life and affect how I feel (no not my mum).

I swear.

I am my worst poison.

But I am also my own cure.

I really don't understand how I work.

One day I could feel like I wish the end of the world would come,

and the next I'd be like F*** you.

Right now, I'm trying very hard to maintain the latter.

I don't really have control over it.

Especially in the morning when I've just woken up.

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again.

But I want my phone back.

So I need that job.

And I need them to call me tomorrow.

I am Jane's possible twin

We didn't only share the same birthdate.

We had a lot in common.

We liked the same things,

we felt the same way.

We even mysteriously shared the same past,

with the same events occurring in a different sequence.

And we had moles in the same places.

I remember how you pointed them all out.

How we sat and compared moles.

And then laughed about it.

That was my fondest memory of you.

It was traditional.

And I for one am NOT traditional.

But it felt good to be traditional for once.

And I guess it was the wrong timing and everything,

but I actually wondered what was wrong with being traditional,

assuming traditional roles?

I'm not saying that we should conform,

but why bother fighting?

Half of the things I want to say will cause and uprage.

The other half will either want you to disown me or give me a good knocking.

I know all that.

I know the problem.

I know I shouldn't feel like this.

I know I should be grateful.

I know I should let go.

But I can't.

Something is telling me that there's more to it.

And I have no idea why I'm so fixated over it.

It has gotten to a point where it's so sick.

I for one, declared myself sick in the head.

I really thought I was going crazy, not in a good way.

I thought I was losing it.

I thought I was going eccentric.

Maybe I am.

But I need closure.

I want the truth.

That was the basis of our entire relationship.

That and our never-ending jealousy that fueled our passion.

I know I tend to over-analyse things.

If I could, I'd plot graphs and charts out.

I want to know.

Actually I do.

I know the one single problem that caused all this.

But you know the sad thing?

I have no control over that one single thing.

And if the man is right, that one single thing is here to stay for a long time.

What I don't get is why should I work my way AROUND this problem?

I mean I deserve the 50-80 years I have on this earth as much as she does.

So why should I spend 40-60 years NOT being satisfied

Not being happy

and always having to think of the problem?

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of person I really am.

Since that is the deciding factor,

and its absence will completely throw off all dynamics.

I want to know that person.

Because I don't like this person now.

It's not like I've never tried.

In fact, I've been trying too hard.

There are times when I make a point NOT to respond,

but at the end of the day, when something is over,

I come to realise that she was part of it, someway or another,

directly or indirectly.

I've been living like this for the past 20 years

so much so that it's embedded in me.

I do it unconsciously, and even if I make an effort to NOT do it consciously,

I somehow or rather manage to in the end.

You do realise that once she is gone, I might have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't want that at 60 years.

I want to be who I am now so that I can be contented with my self in 40 years.

I know my problem

I know the cause

I know why it affects me

I know how it affects me

I know what it can do to me

I know all this

What I don't know is how to overcome it.

Since my life kind of came in a package with it.

Wei Wei told me that people who believe in rebirth believe that you choose your own parents.

I wonder if I was high while I made that choice.

Again, I'm not saying that she does not love me.

I'm just saying that she loves me in a way that is detrimental to me.

She definitely can't see it.

Have you ever had to pretend to be happy in front of your mother?

I have.

In fact, I've always had to.

And I know that I will always have to.

This fact alone; that my own mother is insensitive to my feelings

that my own mother cannot be there for me when the world is against me

that my own mother tells me that I have to suck up to it when I'm feeling down and all alone.

Think of that.

And think of the person I am.

If I am able to deceive a person who has brought me up for 20 years.

Do you not think that I can deceive anyone about my feelings?

Heck, I'm so good, I can even deceive myself.

I only let you know, if I want to.

And there are times when I want to, and there's no one there.

Because everybody things that it is IMPOSSIBLE.

And that I have no such problems.

I'm so good, I don't know if I should congratulate myself.

If there was a Golden Globe awards at the end of the life, I'm pretty sure I'd be best actress and drama queen.

I am emotionally high maintenance.

And that was the one thing that we didn't have in common.

Maybe it was the age difference.

Other wise, we clicked fine.

And he used to make me all giddy and swirly inside.

I guess I let my guard down, thinking he was harmless.

And now...I've no idea why I feel this way.

I know I shouldn't.

I know I wouldn't.

I know I actually don't.

But I want to and I'm kind of allowing myself, more like making myself brood over it.

I want closure.

I want the truth.

I want to know that I was right.

Maybe its a pride thing.

But right now, to me.

I want to know that I made the right choice,

that I did not misjudge,

and that I am not that kind of person.

After all, we shared the same personality.

It was just so easy with him.

All I had to say was "Imagine if I did that to you".

Or "I'm pretty sure you know how I feel right now."

It was so easy.

And we actually did.

I don't know where it went wrong.

And like his favourite song says:

I've been a fool,

that I know,

didn't expect this is how things would go.

Maybe in time,

you'll change your mind,

now looking back

I wish I could rewind.

I don't regret a single bit.

I gained many realisations in these two months.

But I'm not ready to let go yet.

Not yet.

And I hope he changes his mind.

*****very heavily censored

I am Jane too depressed to blog

I am actually too depressed to blog...can you believe it?

I don't want to be a girl.

I don't want to be a boy either.

I want to be androgynous.

A-sexual if I may.

I don't want to worry about boys.

I don't want to worry about girls.

Hmm...I actually blogged.

I have no idea how to unload this heavy thoughts.

It doesn't really hurt.

But I feel unsatisfied.

I can't rest until I've known the truth.

I'm Jane and I'm NOT Fine without You

Is it a wonder I resist from you

I was the one who fell in this game

Then you took me away from you

Why did it have to happen now?

I'm not fine.

I don't know how to make myself fine.

I feel like dying and I have less than a week till my first paper.

I know you don't care about me anymore.

But your words,

they haunt me when I go to sleep.

The silence,

it haunts me when I wake up.