We had a lot in common.
We liked the same things,
we felt the same way.
We even mysteriously shared the same past,
with the same events occurring in a different sequence.
And we had moles in the same places.
I remember how you pointed them all out.
How we sat and compared moles.
And then laughed about it.
That was my fondest memory of you.
It was traditional.
And I for one am NOT traditional.
But it felt good to be traditional for once.
And I guess it was the wrong timing and everything,
but I actually wondered what was wrong with being traditional,
assuming traditional roles?
I'm not saying that we should conform,
but why bother fighting?
Half of the things I want to say will cause and uprage.
The other half will either want you to disown me or give me a good knocking.
I know all that.
I know the problem.
I know I shouldn't feel like this.
I know I should be grateful.
I know I should let go.
But I can't.
Something is telling me that there's more to it.
And I have no idea why I'm so fixated over it.
It has gotten to a point where it's so sick.
I for one, declared myself sick in the head.
I really thought I was going crazy, not in a good way.
I thought I was losing it.
I thought I was going eccentric.
Maybe I am.
But I need closure.
I want the truth.
That was the basis of our entire relationship.
That and our never-ending jealousy that fueled our passion.
I know I tend to over-analyse things.
If I could, I'd plot graphs and charts out.
I want to know.
Actually I do.
I know the one single problem that caused all this.
But you know the sad thing?
I have no control over that one single thing.
And if the man is right, that one single thing is here to stay for a long time.
What I don't get is why should I work my way AROUND this problem?
I mean I deserve the 50-80 years I have on this earth as much as she does.
So why should I spend 40-60 years NOT being satisfied
Not being happy
and always having to think of the problem?
It kind of makes me wonder what kind of person I really am.
Since that is the deciding factor,
and its absence will completely throw off all dynamics.
I want to know that person.
Because I don't like this person now.
It's not like I've never tried.
In fact, I've been trying too hard.
There are times when I make a point NOT to respond,
but at the end of the day, when something is over,
I come to realise that she was part of it, someway or another,
directly or indirectly.
I've been living like this for the past 20 years
so much so that it's embedded in me.
I do it unconsciously, and even if I make an effort to NOT do it consciously,
I somehow or rather manage to in the end.
You do realise that once she is gone, I might have nothing to live for anymore.
I don't want that at 60 years.
I want to be who I am now so that I can be contented with my self in 40 years.
I know my problem
I know the cause
I know why it affects me
I know how it affects me
I know what it can do to me
I know all this
What I don't know is how to overcome it.
Since my life kind of came in a package with it.
Wei Wei told me that people who believe in rebirth believe that you choose your own parents.
I wonder if I was high while I made that choice.
Again, I'm not saying that she does not love me.
I'm just saying that she loves me in a way that is detrimental to me.
She definitely can't see it.
Have you ever had to pretend to be happy in front of your mother?
I have.
In fact, I've always had to.
And I know that I will always have to.
This fact alone; that my own mother is insensitive to my feelings
that my own mother cannot be there for me when the world is against me
that my own mother tells me that I have to suck up to it when I'm feeling down and all alone.
Think of that.
And think of the person I am.
If I am able to deceive a person who has brought me up for 20 years.
Do you not think that I can deceive anyone about my feelings?
Heck, I'm so good, I can even deceive myself.
I only let you know, if I want to.
And there are times when I want to, and there's no one there.
Because everybody things that it is IMPOSSIBLE.
And that I have no such problems.
I'm so good, I don't know if I should congratulate myself.
If there was a Golden Globe awards at the end of the life, I'm pretty sure I'd be best actress and drama queen.
I am emotionally high maintenance.
And that was the one thing that we didn't have in common.
Maybe it was the age difference.
Other wise, we clicked fine.
And he used to make me all giddy and swirly inside.
I guess I let my guard down, thinking he was harmless.
And now...I've no idea why I feel this way.
I know I shouldn't.
I know I wouldn't.
I know I actually don't.
But I want to and I'm kind of allowing myself, more like making myself brood over it.
I want closure.
I want the truth.
I want to know that I was right.
Maybe its a pride thing.
But right now, to me.
I want to know that I made the right choice,
that I did not misjudge,
and that I am not that kind of person.
After all, we shared the same personality.
It was just so easy with him.
All I had to say was "Imagine if I did that to you".
Or "I'm pretty sure you know how I feel right now."
It was so easy.
And we actually did.
I don't know where it went wrong.
And like his favourite song says:
I've been a fool,
that I know,
didn't expect this is how things would go.
Maybe in time,
you'll change your mind,
now looking back
I wish I could rewind.
I don't regret a single bit.
I gained many realisations in these two months.
But I'm not ready to let go yet.
Not yet.
And I hope he changes his mind.
*****very heavily censored
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