I am Jane's First Week

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?

I am Jane's Statement of Financial Position

The problem with decisions is that they stem from choices.

The problem with choices is that sometimes you have to forego other choices.

The problem with foregoing other choices is that you miss out on other opportunities.

If you want, I could draw a tree diagram for you.

But it's all common sense, so I'm not going to belittle your intellect by doing so.

A year ago, I had a dream.

A year ago, I wanted to go places.

I wanted to take a break.

I wanted to give my brain a rest.

But Banum is right,

if I had taken up a job at operational level,

I would have drove myself up the wall.

Who knows, my IQ level would have dropped 100 notches.

As it is, I'm already becoming dumber thanks to the people I work(ed) with.

And then there is opportunity.

And then there is coincidence.

It was a coincidence that this was the only resort who was willing to hire me.

Like I said, I had an impressive CV.

So impressive that everybody else refused to hire me.

It was by mere chance that the HR manager showed the Financial Controller my CV.

But I never knew what he meant for me to do until I met him face-to-face.

For all I know, he is the only person who knows what ACCA is.

Call it pure coincidence, or maybe it is written in the stars.

My horoscope says that I am to have 'great career opportunities' this year.

And that I will meet a workplace mentor who will be able to spur me further.

Now, I've been screaming my whole life about how everybody goes "You have potential"

but never do anything about it.

And here comes a man, who is willing to give me all the opportunities in the world.

So much so that at this very moment, I am so very afraid that I will let him down.

In comes my confidence level.

I've been so beaten down my whole life that the ground I walk on seems wobbly.

I blame the people around me.

But I know for a fact that even if they do take the fault,

there is no one in this world but my own self who can help me rise up again.

Ms Jane,

You are inferior to none.

You yourself determine the level of authority you possess.

Show them who's boss and they will start respecting you.

Start acting like the personnel you should be and they will follow suit.

Tell me one thing that they have that you don't?

Statement of Financial Position as of 22 August 2010

Assets

Non Current Assets

Youth

Paper Qualifications

Creativity

Intellectual Property

Current Assets

Theoretical Knowledge

Partial Application of ACCA knowledge

Marital Status

Willingness to learn

Willingness to take criticism

Equities and Liabilities

Equities

Time

Freedom/ Willingness to travel

Non-Current Liabilities

Future Job Prospects

Current Liabilities

Low self-confidence

Poor health

Ability to handle idiots

As an accountant, I have to believe that my balance sheet will balance. But I would like to see a drastic increase in my 'assets' soon, and a corresponding increase in equities, not liabilities.

This started out as a temporary arrangement. But I believe that God has a plan. I want to believe that he put me here for a reason. I want to believe that I can do wonders here, no matter how impossible it may be. I pray he will give me the strength to persevere, I pray he will put in place the proper people who will be able to guide me.

I would say that I have had a narrow escape this last week. I wouldn't say that it was a terrible ordeal, but it definitely was an eye opener. I thank God that my boss here is very understanding. He is a man of great wisdom, and experience. I hope that he will be able to teach me great things. When I leave the company, I want to be three quarters the professional he is. I thank God that he is able to advice me both professionally and personally. I pray that he will continue to assist me in any way he can. I want so badly to learn.

I know that miracles don't happen overnight. I want so badly for this nightmare to end.

Thus, I hereby promise myself that I will make an effort so that at the end of the day, I will be able to look back and think "At least I tried". The company might not be the most ideal one, but the person in charge has his head screwed on properly. I want to learn from this great man. Hence, I give myself four weeks from Tuesday onwards to clean up my act here. I will make the best of this four weeks. I hope that by the end of this four weeks, I would have learnt something, we would have worked things out, and I would be able to go back there and start implementing them bit by bit. I hope that whoever the next general manager is, he'd be better than the last, and that all this problems we have had this year (which are not even related to me) will be smoothen out so that I won't have to deal with ridiculous things such as having to chase after housekeeping and laundry boys.

I am Jane's bad idea

This was a bad idea.

Please.

Seriously.

You thought you could do this whole sit still shit?

Oh God,

I'm beginning to doubt how much I know myself.

I hate you!!!

Why do you do this to me?

Now you've disappeared again.

I swear to God.

You intrigue me.

You intrigue the hell out of me.

I can't figure you out.

And it's bugging me.

I am Jane's Confusion

Are you calling because you care,

or are you calling because you have to?

Are you calling to see how I am,

or are you calling because you want to rub it in my face?

Heck, I don't know why I even give in to you and your whims!

Why do I even pick up your calls.

Why are you doing this to me?

Can you please cut the crap?

I've learnt my lesson.

You've made your point.

Can we now please go back to normal?

ARGHHH...I swear to God.

Even I hate myself now.

I hate how I'm acting and whining about you.

NO ONE messes with my head.

NO ONE makes me feel like that.

I don't want YOU to be the first one.

God, give me a sign.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can solve this once and for all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc7W8Q-g9Lg

See I don't understand how you're number one

When it was just a fling before

Now you're the one.

Akulah Kenangan Terindah Jane

Ayang,

Arini sya terbyg tm ayg duk2 sblah sya.

Ayg sgt syg sya tm tu.

Sya x tau ke mana gi nya sume rasa kasih syg itu.

Mmg sya x dpt tpu dri.

Sya mmg rindukan ayg.

Rindu sgt2.

Bab ngan ayg, sya x perlu risau pape.

Sumenye ayg yg jaga.

Sumenye ayg yg tlg rasa marah tuk sya.

Dgn ayg, relax je.

Cam dunia ni x wujud.

Yg wujud hanya kitorg

Sya teringat ayg tibe2 pegang tgn sya,

belek sini belek sana.

Pastu tergelak sniri.

Rupa2nya ayg cari2 tahi lalat sya.

Org kita same hingga tahi lalat pon nak same gak.

Hairan tol.

Suke gile sye tgk ayg tersenyum lebar.

Ayg pernah janji nak kasi letak byk2 gambak kat facebook.

Bab ayg nak tgk sye happy.

Ayg tau sye happy bile tgk ayg senyum lebar2.

Bile tgk ayg senyum,

hati sye rasa sejuk je.

Rasa cam, sumenye pon leh lupe.

Sya x tau la ke mana gi nya sume janji2 ayg tu.

Sya masi x caya ayg kan tpu sya.

Sya tau, stiap kali ayg tpu sya tu tuk kebaikan sya gak,

tpi lambat laun ayg gitau gak sbab sbnarnye.

Tpi skrg, ntah la bape lame sye kena tunggu smpai ayg sudi gitau sya perkara sbnarnya.

Ape mulut ayg gitu manis hingga janji pon jdi cam benar?

Sya x caya, ayg.

Ade bezanya lau sorg to ckap tpu ngan ckap benar.

Sya x paham nape ayg x kasi sye chance tuk memahami ayg.

X tau la ayg.

Tm ayg ade,

ayg x kasi sye dengar lagu ni.

Bab ayg x mau sya jdi kenangan terindah.

Ayg x mau kite berpisah.

Skrg, jgnkan kenangan terindah.

Ayg nak lupekan sye,

lupekan segala2nye.

Tpi sya x leh.

N sya x sudi.

Biarlah ayg tiada di hidup sya.

Tpi sya tetap mau ayg jdi kenangan terindah lam idup sya.

Bkan krn apa.

Tpi bab sya x pernah rasakan hati yg gitu ikhlas pda sya.

Mungkin kita x kan berjumpe gi.

Tpi, ayg mmg lain.

N sya dah letih sgt.

Mungkin ayg syg sya gi.

Tpi ayg rasakan lebih baik kite x bersama.

Sya hormat keputusan ayg.

Ape leh sye wat.

Sye x nak paksa2 ayg gi.

Bab sya paham prangai ayg.

Biarlah ayg,

janji kmu x smpai benci sya.

Sya mengaku kalah.

Sya perlukan masa tuk sembuh.

Mungkin satu hari nti,

sya harap kita dpt berjumpa.

Ayg pernah janji nak trus trang ngan sya kan.

Tu sja yg akan sya minta tm tu.

Bab sya pon ade yg nak bertrus trang ngan ayg.

Ayg amik lah mase brapa lame pon tuk pikir.

Bab sya sniri pon nak pikir gak.

Slamat tinggal, syangku.

I am Jane today

Mornings are the worst.

I wake up,

knowing there is no message from you,

knowing that you haven't called,

knowing that I wasn't the first thing you thought about when you first woke up.

I try to drag waking up.

Because then I'd have less of the day to witness,

to sit and wait around.

I know I'm being childish.

But why shouldn't I?

I don't understand why I should be mature everytime.

Thinking about the positive instead of the negative.

Yeah, I want to drown in sorrow.

Well I'm just being realistic.

I want to face the problem.

I don't want to push it away,

put on a smile,

and pretend that everything's alright when it isn't.

I am addressing the problem.

I don't think I'm that bad a judge of character.

I met Jums a year ago.

I knew I wanted to know him better because I knew there was more to him.

And guess what?

I was right.

As fate would have had it,

we met again this year.

There was way more to him than I thought there was.

As for you.

I don't know.

Right now, every single song I listen to reminds me of you.

You and your promises.

This one,

I guess we were both playing with fire.

"I tried to believe every word of your sweet story,

but intuition keeps telling me

you're making a fool outta me"

Maybe this would have been more appropriate when we started fighting,

when you started drifting away.

You really thought that I wouldn't notice?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing means more than the truth

And the truth is that I realize love is fading from your eyes

Don't know how it came to this but we gonna get it fixed tonight

Coz nothing, nothing, nothing is worth losing you"

I don't know if I still feel that way,

but when I first read the lyrics,

it hit me bad.

Because we promised we'd tell each other the truth.

You and I, we both were tired and sick of the lies involved in a relationship.

Our relationship might not have been a healthy one,

but it was a very convenient one.

It worked there and then.

Maybe it wouldn't work next year.

But I don't understand why you got so afraid.

This is for now.

Your lies are really haunting me,

I know your eyes will give me answers to the why.

I don't know.

I don't believe any of your stories now.

Maybe by doing so,

I'll get even more hurt in the end,

if I find out that you have been telling me the truth all the time.

But right now,

I don't know.

Maybe we will have another shot.

But we both know that we never were for second shots.

Let's see how it goes.

I'm not giving you anymore of my ego.

You have had enough.

It's your turn now.

And oh, boy.

I know how to make you beg and plead.

"See the mirror in your eyes,

see the truth behind your lies,

your lies are haunting me.

See the reason in your eyes,

giving answer to the why,

your eyes are haunting me"

This is how you made me feel,

that's why we worked then.

We can still work.

Because everytime that you do call me,

I still hear how much you care for me in your voice.

You have anger,

you have jealousy,

and maybe you had too much of both.

But deep down inside,

I know that you can't forget me.

That is why you want to go cold turkey.

I don't understand why you can't be honest with me about it.

You know I'll help you.

You know that we'd be able to talk through this.

I guess I've learnt that,

and you haven't.

Maybe one day you will up and realise.

But it will be too late,

because I will no longer be waiting for you.

You are right,

if you didn't care,

you wouldn't bother to call me anymore.

You'd just switch numbers.

That is all I have hanging right now.

I won't push you anymore.

You take your time and think about it.

You take your time to realise that you miss me.

I just hope you won't be stupid enough to drown all that with other things.

Right now, I'm indifferent to your calls and messages.

Knowing that you still make an effort makes a difference.

It is not the substance of our calls anymore.

Come to your senses, boy.

I don't want to be a drama queen,

I just want you to see,

Everything I need.

I am Jane's decision

I think I'm going to leave you be.

I don't want to push you.

I have my own dignity.

And I know you understand me.

I've already given enough of my pride to you.

Maybe if we took a breather,

you'll come back.

I don't want to force you anymore.

Somewhere deep down inside

I know all this is not happening.

Then maybe you will come back.

And we can start a new game.

Remember,

it's only a game.