I am Jane, it rained, and then I fell from among the clouds

It was just few hours ago before I woke up that I posted the previous blog. But of course, my mum had to wake me up, and yell about how I spend my time sleeping instead of doing something else (at least I'm at home sleeping and not out doing something you don't like!!). And then she told me to register for my ACCA exams because apparently the letter reached my house.

Damn ACCA for their new regulations and shit. Apparently I can't sit for P7 without attempting P2 and P3. And I just dropped P3 a month ago!! I clearly remember asking Mr. Dinesh whether or not I can do P2 and P7 without P3 and he said YES. And I remember registering for the paper after they lost my enrolment slip and the admin allowed me to. So PLEASE tell me, how was I to know? Perhaps you can say that I should have read the ACCA guidelines or whatever before I did so, but HOW WOULD I KNOW??? There must be at least a hundred guidelines there and time is something I don't have in excess.

Really don't know what to do now. Quite reluctant to drop any of my papers, but quite reluctant to add an additional paper as well. For one, it was so hard for me to drop the paper, now I'm supposed to start all over again. On the positive side, this was my initial plan. On the other hand, I'M SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT P2!! Calamity Jane will always remain Calamity Jane, eh?

Sigh, and now I'm left with three options:

1. Do P2, P3 and P7 all together and try my luck.
2. Do P2 and P3, and drop P7
3. Do P2 only, and drop P7

The first choice would be very risky. I'm not that worried about P3 and P7 but P2 is scaring the life out of me. I know that I will have sufficient guidance for P3 and P7 from Mr Marcus and Mr Goh, but Ms Menon just scares me to death!! And I keep getting flashbacks to the semester I took F7.

The second option is almost unacceptable, since I did spend quite some time on P7 (and enjoying it), so dropping it would mean a waste of 2 months.

The third option is quite likely, seeing that I'm determined to pass P2 once and for all and NEVER enter her class again.

Oh, help me. I don't know what to do. Why am I always stuck in situations like that? I guess that's the end of my resting-on-my-laurels crap. Guess what mum said? For once, she asked me to take the big risk. Something she has NEVER asked me to do before. I'm always the one who insists on taking the big risks. MY own risks. URGH!!!

I am Jane, still floating among the clouds

Okay, I totally forgot, this song is stuck in my head. I don't fancy the voice. But the lyrics are fantastic. Who'd have thought of being the reincarnation of Juliet?



The song just makes me want to twirl around my room in my imaginary long flowy white dress with flowers in my hair. I just wished my Romeo would be there to catch me in his arms.(insert awkward silence here for my day dreaming)

You read about all these people in love stories, having their moments, and knowing right there and then that that's the love of their life, their soulmate.

For some, it is that one silent moment,

for some it's violins playing in the background after the first said "I love you",


for some, it's the spark that goes off when they first kiss,


and for some, it is that momentary future they see in each other's eyes.

For me, it's going to be that moment he twirls me and catches me back in his arms. Our bodies in line, in sync, in tune. Two hearts feeling the same beat on the same nano second. The air suddenly smells like a field of lavenders, every touch sends signals I cannot interpret up every neuron transmitter, his scent leaves this light vanilla-like taste on my taste buds, and all I see is him, staring back at me. And everything else fades away, and nothing else matters. Even time will stand still for me to savour that moment.

And that's when you know I've been reading too much of the wrong stuff (by that I mean story books that aren't examinable for ACCA 2009). By the way, the last picture was unintentional. I'm not implying anything, but that was the only good picture I got from google that wasn't someono's real wedding picture. The beau better buck up!! lolz. I just know I'm going to get bashed for saying that. But hey! I'm dropping him a big hint here. If you need me, I'll be staring into thin air, dreaming.

This is one of the rare days I just feel like smiling just because I want to. I think it's a good day for cam-whoring!

By the way, I just feel this urge to sit and draw sketch after sketch. I think I'm in the wrong department here. I definitely don't feel like debiting or crediting anything, and most certainly not consolidating any accounts!

Oh, what is wrong with me?! =D There's this stupid big grin pasted on my face for no apparent reason.

p/s: Oh shit, it's bright now, and I'm still dreaming. The vampire feels the urge to hit between the comfortable quilt now. Urgh!! I have to start on the OBU!

I am Jane in the clouds

I have no idea what has gone into me. Some may call it resting on my laurels, some may call it just taking a break. I call it flying among the clouds, running across a vast field of daisies with the wind in my hair and finally just collapsing. No, I am not high. Maybe I am, on the fact that I'm actually doing what I want, when I please. But deep down inside, I know this 'nonsense' (makes perfect sense to me, though) has to stop. Soon. Or I'm going to be stuck at the same place. Again. For one, it is that same subject again, with the same lecturer.

Apart from the occasional unavoidable expected ups and downs, life's been pretty calm. Just the way I like it. I can actually breathe now. And sigh in relief! I just hope I don't jinx it.

There's only one thing left to do, before I continue on with my life: FINISH MY OBU! Which I haven't gotten down to even start yet. The whole problem lies with my being a perfectionist, especially when it comes to stuff like this: WRITING. I don't start writing until this great big idea hits me. And that great big idea always only hits when I'm under stress. So I think I need a little bit of self-inflicted stress, just enough to give me the boost. My mum's right, I live on nervous energy. Still am. But it does me good.

Speaking of which, the mum has been pretty silent. Apart from her random boredom, and lack of communication (I think it has to do with my dad not paying attention to what she says and my brother being far away from home). And so, I'm at PEACE. I like it this way. Perhaps, MAYBE, just MAYBE she has learnt that her little girl is growing up and needs her space. PERHAPS, just maybe she has learnt to give the girl her space. And if that day comes, you can bet you'll see me running across a field of daisies!! I don't hate her, I just can't see eye to eye with her. And she only makes me angry when she interferes (or makes me bear the consequence of her own stupidity). Other than that, I'm perfectly fine with her existence.

There are days when I wake up, and see other people going to college. There are days when I wonder whether these people are going to college to study something they like, or just because they have to. There are other days when I see people studying hard, and wonder what their lives must be like, for them to be so motivated. And all these days are days when I feel at peace with myself. Days when I take the backseat, and look at the world as an outsider. And I sure love those days.

I had this lecturer, Mr John, whom everyone thought was a hottie (I did too at one point, but then he cut his hair. And then *poof!! he just wasn't hot anymore). He's the vocalist of Silent Scream. But of course, he completed his ACCA before becoming a rock star. And I wonder, when will it be my turn to chase after the rainbow of my choice?

Oh, lookie! It's 6.30 am, meaning that I've spent half of the time sleeping, and reading novels (Cecilia Ahern is ADDICTIVE!! I need more!!). I better squeeze some OBU in before my energy level drops and I fall asleep without even knowing I did. I'm in such a good mood, I might even start writing that novel I've always dreamed would become a best seller. Oh, happy days.. (please stay!! I do enjoy you very much..)

I am Jane doing it because they say I can't!!!

A picture paints a thousand words, so here's a thousand and then some:


"lookie what the electronic-mail man brought in today"

They all thought I was crazy for doing three theory-based papers together. They all thought I wouldn't pass my F8 on the first attempt, and they definitely didn't thought I'd pass my P1 because I was 'immature'. So yes, I like my thousand words. I just hope next semester will be like this. Well, I don't know understand jack-shit about whatever Ms Menon is screaming about.

On a side note, I'm feeling particularly lazy, not to mention I have no difficulty in falling a sleep any time, any where, at all! Urgh...please do my thesis for me..

I am Jane in need of more hours in a day

Bahawasanya saya, berikrar akan bertungkus lumus, sedia berkorban, dan tidak akan berputus asa untuk menyiapkan segala-gala kerja yang tergendala selewat-lewatnya hari Sabtu ini, bertarikh 21 Februari 2009. Saya berjanji tidak akan menyeleweng dan tidak akan menghabiskan masa membaca buku cerita, mengelamun serta melayan perasaan sehingga cita-cita jangka masa pendek ini tercapai.

Okay, my Bahasa Malaysia is a bit rusty, but it does make sense. And by the way, if you don't have nothing nice to say, Thumper's mum says to say nothing at all.

In BRIEF (since I'm running out of time, I shall kill two birds with one stone by doing that random stuff tag now. You can't get anymore random than this):

1. My December results will be out in approximately 6 hours, I haven't slept since then. I feel very relaxed, which is really weird. Come to think about it, I was relaxed when I was about to sit for the exam as well. Oh dear, I don't know how I should really be feeling.
2. I recently dropped one paper by ACCIDENT (maybe it was fate meddling), I just promised myself that I'd finish my OBU by this Saturday, and I'm hoping that 1+2 will equal a more stable timetable for me, which brings me to random fact no.3:
3. I hate routine, I can't stand doing the same thing everyday, at the same time, in the same way. I need variety very much. However, there's this extreme opposite side of me that feels the need to PLAN and ORGANISE everything. Maybe it's just an ACCA phase, I hope it'll go away.
4. I think I know what I want to do. My plan is a little vague, but the skeleton is there. And I shall stick to being random and totally spontaneous. It has done me lots of good (except for when it comes to classes clashing and unexpected as well as unwanted extra classes). We'll see how far this takes me, and from there on, who knows.
5. I like being alone most of the time. I'm perfectly contented with lazing around with a good read, without food, air cond blasting, drowned in a comfortable oversized old school T-shirt. But there are days when I just feel like going wild. And if you've been there with me, you'll know what is like.
6. Diane says that I can never be boring, but I do feel as if there are parts of my life that are missing, and I'm never contented with myself, parts of me that I feel I need to perfect. And that's the perfectionism speaking.
7. Valentine's Day this year was not how I thought it'd be. Well, I can't have everything I want. But I'll take what I can get and hope for a better day. (It wasn't bad or anything, it just didn't turn out the way I expected it to be). For one, the beau was supposed to cook, but of course, yours truly ended up cooking, along with few other people. At least he was sweet enough to get me flowers =). I like white flowers over every other colour. Naturally coloured over artificially coloured. Flowers with long petals over those with short petals. I'm not going to try to be 'different' by saying I don't like roses. But I do prefer white ones! (I wonder if I've ever told the beau all this). Actually, I can't really remember the name of the flower I like most now, how sad is that?
8. On the first weekend of February, Sunil got me caught on Muay Thai. It was FANTASTIC. I think I'm slightly sick in the head. I LOVED Pathalogy for its sick twisted ways and bloody scenes, but I can never stomach watching horror movies no matter how incredibly SILLY the ghost looks. Strange enough, I have no problems playing Left4Dead.
   
9. I just found out that the 8th president of the United States is Martin Van Buren. I can't help wondering if Armin Van Buuren is anyhow related to him. (You can't get anymore random than that)
10. I may become angry easily, but there are many things I'd let slip through, but there are just things that make me TICK. As I've mentioned before, injustice, manipulating my loved ones, useless guys who sit around and bitch more than those wearing skirts, rape scenes (even if it is make believe ones on the telly). I think they all rank under injustice.
11. I'm so sleepy right now, but I vowed to finish writing the articles today because I want to be disciplined again.
12. I can work both ways, I can either self-study at the last minute just to pass my exams, and I can also pick up very fast, provided the lecturer earns my respect (to do this, just cut out the crap and unnecessary screaming and I'm all yours), and remember it for life.
13. Since 2009 started, time has been passing by so quickly because I've been running around, but at the same time, it seems like it's never going to end.
14. I DO have OCD. A quality that will come very much in handy when I become an auditor (if I do choose to be one in the end), but it also means that I spend a lot of time on miniscule details. It also means that if you 'step on my tail' I will devote special attention just to make your life as miserable as I can, until I satisfy myself.
    
15. I have no charisma whatsoever. People don't listen to me. I'm better off as second in command. But I have plenty of ideas (some of them so whacky no one would accept them, which is sad because I see how they can work). I'm pretty find with it. Suits my long term goals perfectly well.
16. I don't deny the fact that I like to be spoilt like a girlie-girl, with expensive wine, bouquets, chocolates, and perfume. However, please don't expect me to act like a girl, or even think like one. I'm not a tomboy either, I'm just indifferent to the whole thing. Talk about gender equality.
17. I have more guy friends than girl friends. I just hate the bitching, except when I'm with the girls. But most of the time, I like having stupid testosterone-filled conversations. They always make me laugh.
18. Unintentionally, I'm apparently quite a pioneer in all sorts of things. Maybe that's because I like to do things the unconventional way, 'take the road less taken'. And then people figure it's do-able, and everybody does the same. Seriously!
19. I know I am a narcissist. And I think I have just the right amount to counter the part where I hate myself, or rather, the 'undeveloped' part of me.
20. My weight fluctuates, very badly. I binge when I'm stressed (still trying to control it), and am forced to eat when there's good news. So I don't know how my diet is going to work.
21. I hate gym exercises. I hate crouches, I hate sit-ups, I hate jogging. I like exercises that tone, increase flexibility, agility, and make you stretch. I've tried belly dancing (something I wish I still had the time and resources to continue), yoga (Premzy is not here to push me to go anymore), and am looking for a place with those funky big-ass Pilates machines.
22. After attending one month's worth of lectures, Sunway TES calls me up to say that I've not registered for a single paper at all. And when my mum called, they tried pushing the blame on me, of which my mum totally bought being typically her. I don't understand why they bother asking me to complain when nothing's going to be done at all. You should have seen the admin staff's face when Emily handed me the complaint form.
    
23. I do well in things that people generally don't. Physics (in a girl's school), Costing (which my friends all solemnly swear never to touch again), and corporate governance (which nobody can understand).
24. I'm still wondering how I can pick up my writing pace. I have a lot of writing to do!! And my thesis is still empty.
25. Thumper's mum (from Bambi) says that if you haven't read the above, she shall repeat it "If you ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all". And if you do, you can screw off.

On another note, I'm really praying and hoping and wishing that I'll pass all my papers. At least let me get out of the system before it comes crashing down..I've figured some things out, and I just pray that I don't have to rearrange everything again. I'm just so tired. I've had more than a few breakdowns, and every time I pick myself up, something always manages to knock me over again. I took it as a sign that there were things that I needed to change. And I think everything is in place right now. And I'm just waiting for the final piece to complete the whole picturer. Oh God, Please help me. I know I'm not the most hardworking person in my class (let alone in my group of friends), but I've been as consistent as I could this whole semester. Please PLEASE give me your blessings.


I better get back to working now. So much for random-ness. Note to self: IGNORE tags unless there's really nothing to do.

I am Jane beyond words

To say that I am depressed is an understatement, to say that I will get through it is an obvious fact. To say that I'm just weak is plain inconsiderate. I'd like you to put yourselves in my shoes. A plain Jane in her last teenage years, mixing around people way older than her, having to carry the burden other normal 19 year olds are not expected to, trying to oblige to as many people as she can, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to prioritize, always always wondering if this madness will ever end.

I have been talking about being stressed up and everything. I've been talking about trying to hold on as much as I can. I don't know if I'm considered strong. But all I know is that I've tried my best, if not at least put effort into what I do, a lot of effort.

I have a ton of things to do. First and foremost my thesis which is way behind schedule, secondly catching up on my studies continuing last semester's habit of NOT studying last minute, do a little bit of work, spend time with the beau, catch up with old friends, catch up on my reading, try to bring myself to a higher level of maturity to lessen the culture shock when I start working, stuff like that. No nonsense.

What I don't understand is why people make things hard for me? I'd really like to know how this karma shit works because everything just isn't working for me. There are times before this when I've almost lost it, but I keep pulling myself up, telling myself "just a little while longer.." trying my best to reassure myself that "there are better times ahead". But seriously. I am just a girl. I am just human. I am emotional. I HAVE emotions, feelings. What on earth is so wrong with that? Don't you have it too? If you do, why am I not entitled to the same benefits?

Not only do I have a whole list of things to do, I started feeling sore around Monday. Matter might seem petty to you, but it is some how, affecting me since the person has had a huge influence of me especially when I had nobody to turn to when I first came here. Don't speculate or assume. It is none of your business. I've learnt to deal with my soreness, seeing that it is not the first time I'm feeling so. I will let it slide by me. In other words, I'm just going to let nature and fate take its course. Literally.

I had the last straw today. I wouldn't say that today was the worst day of my life, but there are certain events that added on to my already-very-heavy load, and well, there is also that last blow. Please don't say you understand me. That can never be true. You are not carrying the burden on my shoulders.

There are a lot of things that I let slide pass me. Betrayal, lies, backstabbing, kiasu-ness and what-not. But I do have my Kryptonites. Things that make my blood boil to no limits. These include injustice, and making use of me or my loved ones. Even as I write this I'm still trying to control my emotions. But I feel like there's this fire growing inside me that is about to make me burst into flames any time soon.

My mind is all over the place now, I have so many things to think of.

1. I have a thesis that was scheduled to be finished this week (which is not happening)
2. I have a test to study for (which I have no idea how I'm even going to answer the questions)
3. I have this elusive dentist who won't see me just to sign a bloody form to release me so I'll never have to see her again (elusive dentist is forever sick, outstation, or at some conference. Why the hell is the hospital even paying her?)
4. I have extra classes here and there that interfere with my schedule (making life more difficult than it already is)
5. I'm also studying in a tuition centre that has suddenly decided to practise authoritarianism. (I don't understand, everybody complains, but why won't anyone do anything about it? There are comments that I will keep to myself until the time comes)
6. I have an un-understanding mother who calls me at the wrong time just to check that I'm not out galavanting (I know I'm not that trustworthy when it comes to her, but can you please understand that I'm under a lot of stress here? I don't need you to lessen my burden, but it'd help if you don't ADD on to it)
7. I'm dealing with these bunch of idiotic Chinese fucks (fuck isn't even close to what these scumbags/ any-other-word-to-describe-the-worst-kind-of-a-living-thing) who are really unscrupulous, unethical, and downright selfish.

Those are just the general outlines. You don't even know the pressure I have to go through for each and every one. It started even before school started. And has been going on for at least a month. Just yesterday I was able to get some things off my chest, and thought I'd get a breather, but today just decided to replenish my diminished load, with even more pressurizing things. I can't help but ask when will this ever end? I know I'm not that strong, but I know I'm not that weak too.

For once, my fingers feel too heavy to type, the words just don't flow, my head is so heavy, my shoulders are aching like crazy, my stomach is acting up, and my spine feels as if someone is stepping on it. I know these are psychological, but how do I stop them? It's not like I've lost sight of my goals and objectives. But I feel as if I haven't progressed much thanks to these obstacles. I'm scared that I won't have any strength left to fight them off, and they'd advance on and take over me. I don't want to be that helpless girl anymore. I've come along way from that, and I never want to go back there again.

I really don't know how I'm going to slot in all these sudden extra classes. As it is, my timetable is already very heavy. Not only that, they're being so uncooperative. I don't understand this authoritarian behaviour. What is this hype of abusing this elusive power that is not even rightfully yours? In addition to that, I also have to run away from people I don't want to see, just so not to put to waste any time I have left. I was already having a bad day, but I thought it'd get better.

If it weren't for Sunil, I think I'd have passed out from alcohol poisoning in my room with the speakers blasting. In fact, during the day, I thought I'd finally settle one of my many problems, by bringing in a person much more senior so that at least there'd be a little bit of respect. But apparently Malaysians have lost their manners too.

I don't know whether or not to be angry with the beau. I understand that he has problems of his own, but I am willing to sacrifice a bit of time, put in a bit of effort to help him, why can't he do the same thing for me to? Am I the only one in the relationship? It is normal for everyone to quarrel once in a while, but sometimes I just wonder if anything is actually sinking in. I'm open to criticism, but why aren't others.

The whole irony is that they're making ME go for English classes when these people I speak to can't understand simple English. I don't understand how "I want to move out NOW" could be interpreted as "Don't kick me out" of which the idiotic old man replied "Don't worry, you can stay till February" which was actually "I'm forcing you to stay till February since I'm not going to give you back your deposit AT ALL", and how "I'm not blaming you" turned into "It is all your fault". These are the people that make me ashamed to call myself a Chinese, since these are the typical Chinese stereotypes.

I try as hard as possible to confront my problems and settle them, because I know my actions not only affect me, but others as well. No matter how hard, I always try. I don't understand how people can be so selfish and just take people's money with them, without feeling ashamed of themselves. I really wonder how these people sleep at night, cheating poor students, both local and foreign. Have they no conscience? Please tell me why should I bother to be a good person. Why should I bother about others when they only think about themselves?

Even before I read what Lim Kit Siang had to say about respect, I had already had that philosophy in mind. I don't believe in this Asian culture that seniority earns respect. Simple example, today, I called up the fucking (you have no idea how mad I am at him) HOUSE OWNER just to ask for a copy of the tenancy agreement since the fucking CHIEF TENANT decided to runaway and NOT PICK UP OUR CALLS. He was so fucking rude to me. Not only did he blame everything on the chief tenant (which I think he deserves), he simply said "Why you asking me all this? This is none of my business, you're disturbing me" and put down the phone. Fucking rude and disrespectful! I'm sure he would have done that to a parent as well. That really 'made' my day. It really did. Literally the last blow. I will make this personal. I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I promise I will try my level best to make life as difficult as possible for you. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong since you owe it to me, and you deserve it. Plus, I think I'm doing the society a favour by not letting them fall into your trap.

It was so hard for me to not break down. I know that if I were alone I would have just broke into tears. But I've been holding them back for so long, a little longer didn't matter anymore. You have no idea how hard it is. I just don't know. There are very few people I feel comfortable to break down in front, and Sunil is definitely one of them. But I just held it in, thinking his luck was as shitty as mine as well so there is no reason for me to break down. I usually don't get physical, but I was unconsciously banging things, and imagining things smashing. I was so tensed that even Kaiser could feel it. He just sat by me till I loosened up a bit, and then he reverted back to making me throw his ball, as well as (for the first time), tried to hump my forearm.

Call me an alcoholic if you must, but I have no where else to hide my sorrows. Don't ever say that anyone will understand what I'm going through. They may have even worser luck than me, but they are not going through the same things I'm going through. At least the alcohol is taking action and helping me to take things easy. This is why I feel like giving up on mankind.

I know that I shouldn't but I really need a break, and I've decided to self-proclaim tomorrow hide-in-the-closet day. I really need it. I hope it'll do me good. It better. I need to recharge and refocus.

Do remember I'm 19, not 29. I'm young, but I demand and am willing to earn respect. I have principles, and I stick to them. I have emotions, I don't need you to understand my emotions, but at least acknowledge that I have them.

I.Just.Feel.Like.Lying.On.My.Bed.And.Staring.Blankly.At.The.Ceiling.As.If.I'm.Stoning.

This.Words.Just.Don't.Do.Me.Justice.For.Once.