I am Jane beyond words

To say that I am depressed is an understatement, to say that I will get through it is an obvious fact. To say that I'm just weak is plain inconsiderate. I'd like you to put yourselves in my shoes. A plain Jane in her last teenage years, mixing around people way older than her, having to carry the burden other normal 19 year olds are not expected to, trying to oblige to as many people as she can, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to prioritize, always always wondering if this madness will ever end.

I have been talking about being stressed up and everything. I've been talking about trying to hold on as much as I can. I don't know if I'm considered strong. But all I know is that I've tried my best, if not at least put effort into what I do, a lot of effort.

I have a ton of things to do. First and foremost my thesis which is way behind schedule, secondly catching up on my studies continuing last semester's habit of NOT studying last minute, do a little bit of work, spend time with the beau, catch up with old friends, catch up on my reading, try to bring myself to a higher level of maturity to lessen the culture shock when I start working, stuff like that. No nonsense.

What I don't understand is why people make things hard for me? I'd really like to know how this karma shit works because everything just isn't working for me. There are times before this when I've almost lost it, but I keep pulling myself up, telling myself "just a little while longer.." trying my best to reassure myself that "there are better times ahead". But seriously. I am just a girl. I am just human. I am emotional. I HAVE emotions, feelings. What on earth is so wrong with that? Don't you have it too? If you do, why am I not entitled to the same benefits?

Not only do I have a whole list of things to do, I started feeling sore around Monday. Matter might seem petty to you, but it is some how, affecting me since the person has had a huge influence of me especially when I had nobody to turn to when I first came here. Don't speculate or assume. It is none of your business. I've learnt to deal with my soreness, seeing that it is not the first time I'm feeling so. I will let it slide by me. In other words, I'm just going to let nature and fate take its course. Literally.

I had the last straw today. I wouldn't say that today was the worst day of my life, but there are certain events that added on to my already-very-heavy load, and well, there is also that last blow. Please don't say you understand me. That can never be true. You are not carrying the burden on my shoulders.

There are a lot of things that I let slide pass me. Betrayal, lies, backstabbing, kiasu-ness and what-not. But I do have my Kryptonites. Things that make my blood boil to no limits. These include injustice, and making use of me or my loved ones. Even as I write this I'm still trying to control my emotions. But I feel like there's this fire growing inside me that is about to make me burst into flames any time soon.

My mind is all over the place now, I have so many things to think of.

1. I have a thesis that was scheduled to be finished this week (which is not happening)
2. I have a test to study for (which I have no idea how I'm even going to answer the questions)
3. I have this elusive dentist who won't see me just to sign a bloody form to release me so I'll never have to see her again (elusive dentist is forever sick, outstation, or at some conference. Why the hell is the hospital even paying her?)
4. I have extra classes here and there that interfere with my schedule (making life more difficult than it already is)
5. I'm also studying in a tuition centre that has suddenly decided to practise authoritarianism. (I don't understand, everybody complains, but why won't anyone do anything about it? There are comments that I will keep to myself until the time comes)
6. I have an un-understanding mother who calls me at the wrong time just to check that I'm not out galavanting (I know I'm not that trustworthy when it comes to her, but can you please understand that I'm under a lot of stress here? I don't need you to lessen my burden, but it'd help if you don't ADD on to it)
7. I'm dealing with these bunch of idiotic Chinese fucks (fuck isn't even close to what these scumbags/ any-other-word-to-describe-the-worst-kind-of-a-living-thing) who are really unscrupulous, unethical, and downright selfish.

Those are just the general outlines. You don't even know the pressure I have to go through for each and every one. It started even before school started. And has been going on for at least a month. Just yesterday I was able to get some things off my chest, and thought I'd get a breather, but today just decided to replenish my diminished load, with even more pressurizing things. I can't help but ask when will this ever end? I know I'm not that strong, but I know I'm not that weak too.

For once, my fingers feel too heavy to type, the words just don't flow, my head is so heavy, my shoulders are aching like crazy, my stomach is acting up, and my spine feels as if someone is stepping on it. I know these are psychological, but how do I stop them? It's not like I've lost sight of my goals and objectives. But I feel as if I haven't progressed much thanks to these obstacles. I'm scared that I won't have any strength left to fight them off, and they'd advance on and take over me. I don't want to be that helpless girl anymore. I've come along way from that, and I never want to go back there again.

I really don't know how I'm going to slot in all these sudden extra classes. As it is, my timetable is already very heavy. Not only that, they're being so uncooperative. I don't understand this authoritarian behaviour. What is this hype of abusing this elusive power that is not even rightfully yours? In addition to that, I also have to run away from people I don't want to see, just so not to put to waste any time I have left. I was already having a bad day, but I thought it'd get better.

If it weren't for Sunil, I think I'd have passed out from alcohol poisoning in my room with the speakers blasting. In fact, during the day, I thought I'd finally settle one of my many problems, by bringing in a person much more senior so that at least there'd be a little bit of respect. But apparently Malaysians have lost their manners too.

I don't know whether or not to be angry with the beau. I understand that he has problems of his own, but I am willing to sacrifice a bit of time, put in a bit of effort to help him, why can't he do the same thing for me to? Am I the only one in the relationship? It is normal for everyone to quarrel once in a while, but sometimes I just wonder if anything is actually sinking in. I'm open to criticism, but why aren't others.

The whole irony is that they're making ME go for English classes when these people I speak to can't understand simple English. I don't understand how "I want to move out NOW" could be interpreted as "Don't kick me out" of which the idiotic old man replied "Don't worry, you can stay till February" which was actually "I'm forcing you to stay till February since I'm not going to give you back your deposit AT ALL", and how "I'm not blaming you" turned into "It is all your fault". These are the people that make me ashamed to call myself a Chinese, since these are the typical Chinese stereotypes.

I try as hard as possible to confront my problems and settle them, because I know my actions not only affect me, but others as well. No matter how hard, I always try. I don't understand how people can be so selfish and just take people's money with them, without feeling ashamed of themselves. I really wonder how these people sleep at night, cheating poor students, both local and foreign. Have they no conscience? Please tell me why should I bother to be a good person. Why should I bother about others when they only think about themselves?

Even before I read what Lim Kit Siang had to say about respect, I had already had that philosophy in mind. I don't believe in this Asian culture that seniority earns respect. Simple example, today, I called up the fucking (you have no idea how mad I am at him) HOUSE OWNER just to ask for a copy of the tenancy agreement since the fucking CHIEF TENANT decided to runaway and NOT PICK UP OUR CALLS. He was so fucking rude to me. Not only did he blame everything on the chief tenant (which I think he deserves), he simply said "Why you asking me all this? This is none of my business, you're disturbing me" and put down the phone. Fucking rude and disrespectful! I'm sure he would have done that to a parent as well. That really 'made' my day. It really did. Literally the last blow. I will make this personal. I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I promise I will try my level best to make life as difficult as possible for you. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong since you owe it to me, and you deserve it. Plus, I think I'm doing the society a favour by not letting them fall into your trap.

It was so hard for me to not break down. I know that if I were alone I would have just broke into tears. But I've been holding them back for so long, a little longer didn't matter anymore. You have no idea how hard it is. I just don't know. There are very few people I feel comfortable to break down in front, and Sunil is definitely one of them. But I just held it in, thinking his luck was as shitty as mine as well so there is no reason for me to break down. I usually don't get physical, but I was unconsciously banging things, and imagining things smashing. I was so tensed that even Kaiser could feel it. He just sat by me till I loosened up a bit, and then he reverted back to making me throw his ball, as well as (for the first time), tried to hump my forearm.

Call me an alcoholic if you must, but I have no where else to hide my sorrows. Don't ever say that anyone will understand what I'm going through. They may have even worser luck than me, but they are not going through the same things I'm going through. At least the alcohol is taking action and helping me to take things easy. This is why I feel like giving up on mankind.

I know that I shouldn't but I really need a break, and I've decided to self-proclaim tomorrow hide-in-the-closet day. I really need it. I hope it'll do me good. It better. I need to recharge and refocus.

Do remember I'm 19, not 29. I'm young, but I demand and am willing to earn respect. I have principles, and I stick to them. I have emotions, I don't need you to understand my emotions, but at least acknowledge that I have them.

I.Just.Feel.Like.Lying.On.My.Bed.And.Staring.Blankly.At.The.Ceiling.As.If.I'm.Stoning.

This.Words.Just.Don't.Do.Me.Justice.For.Once.