I am Jane Nearing The End

This is it.

This is good bye.

This is the end.

Or at least I hope so.

Given the things that have happened recently,

I'm really praying that it is.

Some of these people I might never see again,

some of these people I really want to meet again sometime later in life,

some of these people I want to keep in touch with,

and some of these people, I never want to see again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the good person.

I'm tired of always having to think ahead.

I'm tired of having to accommodate,

I'm tired of having to put someone else's feeling before my own.

And it hurts to know that the gestures are not appreciated,

let alone reciprocated.

Dear God,

I'm tired.
I've never given up even though I say I would,

I've never given up hope that there would be better things to come.

I've never given up hope that if I put in a little bit more effort,

and wait a little bit longer,

then everything would be alright.

And even if things weren't alright,

I still never gave up.

I fell many times,

but I picked myself up right after.

I'm not saying that I deserve an award,

or that I should be made a Saint.

I'm just asking that you give me,

time to recuperate,

time to sort myself out,

time to figure out my issues,

time to grow and mature,

so that I may prepare myself for the things to come.

I won't give up.

All I ask is for the courage to face them,

the strength to endure them,

and the wisdom to learn from them.

I may not be pious,

I may not be the best person out there,

but I like how our relationship is, for now.

I have flaws,

I have bad qualities,

but I'm willing to learn.

I may not like everyone who has come into my life,

but each and everyone has taught me something.

I hope I'll have the right judgement to separate,

those I want to keep for life,

from those I need to stay away from.

Four years ago,

the night my mum left me to fend for myself,

I learnt the meaning of being homesick.

Four years later,

the night before I leave (and hopefully never come back),

I learn what "Home is Where the Heart Is" means.

Four years ago,

someone came into my life,

made me realise things I never knew existed,

gave me an experience of what true friendship is.

Four years later,

on the night before I leave,

I learn the hardest lesson,

that nothing is forever,

not the boys who come and go,

not even the friends who promise to stay.

I think this is good bye.

I hope this is good bye.

God, I pray,

I want nothing more than this,

Let me pass all my papers this February 2010,

And fly me away on the winds of change.

Good bye Zen,

Good bye Zephyr,

Good bye bastard of a security guard,

Good bye male chauvinist pig Lagoon View hostel warden,

Good bye comfortable bed that has rested my body and soul for four months,

Good bye my beloved soulmate kaiser whom I might never see again,

Good bye back-stabbers,

Good bye bitches,

Good bye late night excursions,

Good bye sofa which I have placed outside my window,

Good bye view from 24th floor,

Good bye fluffy clouds,

Good bye Shisha and "I've never" games,

Good bye Bhavini,

Good bye Amrita,

Good bye Shabnam,

Good bye Sasha,

Good bye great memories.....

I am Jane after a night of fun

Old habits never die.

But I'm glad I went out yesterday.

Apparently I'm not the only one feeling neglected and unappreciated.

And it's good to know.

Because that means that I'm not being over-sensitive.

It means that the problem is real,

and it doesn't reside only within me.

His mum called again today.

I didn't feel like going out.

And then he called.

The sound of his ringtone makes my heart implode.

I didn't go.

I don't think I should.

Maybe one day I will forgive.

Just not today.

And till then,

nothing like a good episode of Greek to get my heart all mushy.

I want an Evan.

I know what a heart throb Cappie is,

but he is also a heart breaker.

And I think I'm done with heart breakers.

I am Jane after yesterday

A normal person would feel better after a good night's sleep.

A normal person would feel less angry after 12 hours.

A normal person would forgive.

A normal person would possibly forget.

A normal person would look back on the past.

and think "Maybe I'm too harsh".

A normal person would take it out on something else.

Based on the above premises,

I am an abnormal person.

After yesterday,

I still feel as angry as I was,

as hurt as I did,

as betrayed as I think.

After a good night's sleep,

I still haven't forgiven,

and I definitely haven't forgotten.

After talking it out with someone who has proven herself to be a better friend.

After going shopping and after a movie with the said person above.

After her trying to make me see that I am in no wrong.

After our random phone call to our "divine" master, Mr. E of whom is known to ask such random questions,

After his very insightful opinion.

I think I know what to do.

But saying and thinking is easier than doing.

And he is just making it worse.

I hate you right now.

From the bottom of the heart.

I am to blame for having relied on you for so much.

I will let no one else in ever.

I thought that boys will come and go,

but you would stay.

But you proved that you too,

are a boy.

For all the wrong reasons.

And boys are just icky.

Even your good friend TJ could sense that I was angry with you after 3 minutes of conversation.

I can't believe I looked up to you.

I can't believe I thought so much of you.

My eyes are opened now.

You are an immature fool just like any boy.

You are an idiot who thinks highly of himself.

You are so stupid to think that I will never know.

You made me.

And I'm sad to tell you that I am now better.

I don't sit.

I'm not stagnant.

I have this forever moving mechanism in me

that wants to do more,

do better,

be more,

be better,

all that is within my own power.

That's because I analyze myself.

I don't look to other people to analyze me.

You are the scientist who injected the catalyst.

I am the substance that has mutated and grown to be self contained.

And now I must part.

This wound will take forever to heal, if not never.

I am Jane and it hurts to be Jane

I haven't felt so upset for the past three years.

I never felt as if I couldn't talk to anyone.

I want to know why you haunt me.

I want to know why I let you.

I want to know how I can end this.

It's because you were there for me,

even when you eventually weren't there for me,

I deluded myself into believing that you were.

Your mum didn't make it any easier,

but there is only so much a rug can cover.

As the dust accumulates under the rug,

it will slowly show

like a pregnant belly awaiting child birth.

I can't blame you.

I can only blame myself.

I don't know since when was it wrong to voice out your thoughts.

I don't know when it started being wrong to show your feelings.

I don't know why is it wrong to feel upset when someone has upset you.

I don't understand why is it that we shouldn't be bitter when we have been wrong.

I am not blind.

I am not stupid.

I just don't understand why I'm not allowed to feel how I feel.

It just means that being me,

is every fibre wrong.

I'm being bitter

and what's wrong with being bitter please tell me

is a person not allowed to feel upset when she is upset?

why does one have to be scolded for being upset?

when someone makes you upset do you not have the right to be upset?

I hate that I let you hurt me so much.

I hate that I'm even hurt.

I hate that I'm allowing you to upset me so much.

I want to be a cold hearted bitch.

And I never want to care about you again.

I am Jane trapped in a box

How can I tell him to leave me alone?

How can I stop hurting?

I can't believe I let myself into believing someone understood me.

I can't believe I let myself into believing that someone would always be there.

All lies.

I can't believe he doesn't know how I feel.

I can't believe he can't see through this.

Fuck this shit.

I am Jane looking for my Poker Face

I need to find my mask.

I think I lost it,

somewhere between trusting a person,

thinking he understood me,

thinking he'd never leave,

and letting him into my life.

How can I let someone mean so much to me?

I have my own self to blame.

If you don't care about a person,

they can't hurt you.

If they're not significant to you,

you won't feel a thing.

But if you're not careful,

you will find later on,

lying on the ground,

trampled and repeatedly stepped on,

broken into a million pieces,

torn and tattered,

a big chunk of your heart that was once filled with the feeling of security.

and then you will go into exile,

hiding behind a mask,

bringing on your best poker face,

until your heart is hilled,

albeit scarred and mutated,

to remind you of the past,

not as beautiful as it once was,

but whole once again,

only to let loose once again

and end up having another big piece ripped out of your very existence.

Don't trust anyone.

Not even yourself.

Because you will only let yourself down.

I am Jane in need of Narcissism

It hurts..

it hurts so bad.

I need to practise what I preach.

I need to love myself.

I need to be happy so that I can be happy.

I need to learn that I can still be happy even when others are not.

I need to learn that I don't need to make everyone happy just so I will feel happy

because then I will never be happy

because everyone will never be happy all at the same time.

There will always be someone to please

someone who will need my help

someone who will want me to do something.

I need to live for myself.

Sasha is right.

I said it myself.

One can only feel hurt because one has let the other party hurt one.

I've done it before.

But why does it feel so hard to do now?

I am back where I started.

I feel even worse.

I feel betrayed.

I know its not my place.

But I'm starting to get sick of it.

I want to live in my own world.

I think I'm abnormal because I can't seem to get along with anyone.

Not for a long time.

Please explain to me this price that I have to pay.

What is it for?

It hurts so badly.

It hurts so badly that it has accummulated.

IT FUCKING HURTS.

I just want to stop hurting.

I want this all to stop.

I need to know that no one will understand me.

Most importantly,

I need to know that it's perfectly fine.