No, I'm not dead, and I've not been that busy so as NOT to have time to blog, just very distracted...VERY...
I need to snap out of it. I've given myself the time to hope and dream and DREAM... because I knew it never would be and I'd snap out of it, but now it's time to wake up and chase the bigger more realistic dream. A very pressuring one I'd say. I don't even know why I call it a dream when I don't really desire it. Sometimes I'm so scared of what I will become, not because I don't know my future, but because I know I'm doing something I don't like. I'm just scared I won't be happy. I already learnt that money doesn't make you happy, it's just the financial independence that makes you happy. What if I want other things in life? I don't ever want to wake up and say "Oh, no, I can't do that, it's way past my time". I want to be forever young. Sigh...
Beau is still away, and I'm starting to get BORED. The last time he was away this long, I started rocking the boat. And until today, he still isn't satisfied with me. To me, it was just a small matter, probably because I was selfish, I didn't think of the consequences, but sometimes, it's fun to live life like that, just do what you want to without thinking; be spontaneous! We all know how much I hate routine..
I want to go to Genting this Monday, but because the IDIOT (he's going to kill me when he sees this, but you know you're MY idiot right?) couldn't inform me earlier, now all the rooms are booked online, and if they don't have anymore when I call, I'm going to be very mad at someone.
p/s: Been procrastinating a lot recently, I blame House. I'm so hooked on it that I watch episode after episode NON-STOP! The habit has to stop, it's affecting my work, and that's not good. My sleeping pattern is totally screwed up. I'm drifting in and out like crazy, and I'm eating like a mad person!! I need to have self control...help!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I am Jane's dead external HDD
Time of death, 7.00 am, 27th October 2008.
IT'S DEAD, AGAIN!!!!
I feel like killing people now. In the first place, why didn't my mother get me an HP just like I wanted instead of an IBM? Sure it lasts longer, but I have a miserable total space of 40 GB only!! and if that is not bad enough, the mouse-scrolling thing, I forgot it's name, cursor ball or something, is so worn out that it's as smooth as a shiny bald head.
My HDD was adds to another of my mother's mistakes-which-she-will-never-admit-to. Technology wise, I'm obviously 10 times, no make ita gazillion times better than her, but NO! She always insists on buying things without consulting me, especially if it's something of mine. Somehow, when it comes to my brother, she will do a thorough research before purchasing anything. In spite of that my brother's gadgets are always in a worse condition than mine. I wanted an HDD during last year's March PC fair, but my mother was at the back of my head and so I couldn't hunt for the best deal. And then, behind my back, she got this horrible China-made HDD which cost more than a Samsung HDD which was the most expensive during the PC fair. If I had knew, I would have just bought the Samsung. Needless to say, anything made in China, WILL NOT last, and has no quality at all. Within months, my HDD became brain dead. And now, after the warranty period was over, IT'S DEAD AGAIN!! I don't know what to do. I'm going to send it back for repair, but I'm also going to get myself a new one. This time, with my OWN money, so she will have no say in what I buy. That's why I like having financial independence. And so, if you're thinking of marrying me, don't even dare dream that I will become a housewife and sit at home waiting for you to put money into my wallet. I earn my own money and I don't explain my spending habits to anyone. They say easy come, easy go. Put it this way, at least there is something COMING for it to be GOING. Way better than no come no go, right? They should just revamp all the proverbs and sayings. Like practice makes perfect, in actual fact, practice only makes PERMANENT!
Any kind soul knows how I can save my data? I have so many movies inside. I'm going to scream at the stupid company. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!! Because of China, I am ashamed to call myself a Chinese. I don't have that Chinese mentality. Imagine the Chinese people charge tourist for taking pictures with their kids. I won't be surprised if there is a pawn shop where they can pawn their children for some extra cash. The world is evolving, humans are becoming more SOPHISTICATED, CIVILIZED, but Chinese nationals are going the other way. I won't be surprised they'll start living on trees once again and eat raw meat, and by that I don't mean Sushi. Amnesty should boycott them, UN should boycott them, U.S. should boycott them, the whole world should boycott them! Fuck cheap labour, we can get that in Thailand too. Boycott China-made products and then the quality control, ethics and corporate governance will come in
IT'S DEAD, AGAIN!!!!
I feel like killing people now. In the first place, why didn't my mother get me an HP just like I wanted instead of an IBM? Sure it lasts longer, but I have a miserable total space of 40 GB only!! and if that is not bad enough, the mouse-scrolling thing, I forgot it's name, cursor ball or something, is so worn out that it's as smooth as a shiny bald head.
My HDD was adds to another of my mother's mistakes-which-she-will-never-admit-to. Technology wise, I'm obviously 10 times, no make ita gazillion times better than her, but NO! She always insists on buying things without consulting me, especially if it's something of mine. Somehow, when it comes to my brother, she will do a thorough research before purchasing anything. In spite of that my brother's gadgets are always in a worse condition than mine. I wanted an HDD during last year's March PC fair, but my mother was at the back of my head and so I couldn't hunt for the best deal. And then, behind my back, she got this horrible China-made HDD which cost more than a Samsung HDD which was the most expensive during the PC fair. If I had knew, I would have just bought the Samsung. Needless to say, anything made in China, WILL NOT last, and has no quality at all. Within months, my HDD became brain dead. And now, after the warranty period was over, IT'S DEAD AGAIN!! I don't know what to do. I'm going to send it back for repair, but I'm also going to get myself a new one. This time, with my OWN money, so she will have no say in what I buy. That's why I like having financial independence. And so, if you're thinking of marrying me, don't even dare dream that I will become a housewife and sit at home waiting for you to put money into my wallet. I earn my own money and I don't explain my spending habits to anyone. They say easy come, easy go. Put it this way, at least there is something COMING for it to be GOING. Way better than no come no go, right? They should just revamp all the proverbs and sayings. Like practice makes perfect, in actual fact, practice only makes PERMANENT!
Any kind soul knows how I can save my data? I have so many movies inside. I'm going to scream at the stupid company. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!! Because of China, I am ashamed to call myself a Chinese. I don't have that Chinese mentality. Imagine the Chinese people charge tourist for taking pictures with their kids. I won't be surprised if there is a pawn shop where they can pawn their children for some extra cash. The world is evolving, humans are becoming more SOPHISTICATED, CIVILIZED, but Chinese nationals are going the other way. I won't be surprised they'll start living on trees once again and eat raw meat, and by that I don't mean Sushi. Amnesty should boycott them, UN should boycott them, U.S. should boycott them, the whole world should boycott them! Fuck cheap labour, we can get that in Thailand too. Boycott China-made products and then the quality control, ethics and corporate governance will come in
I am Jane the INFP
You Are An INFP |
 The Idealist You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak |
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am Jane, the auditor, dating the bio-technologist
Something random and short. My beau and I were having a fight over something which I can no longer remember right now, but at one point, we came to this:
This is the point where I go speechless.. I always made jokes about how scientific people and artistic people cannot get along. I didn't know the above could happen as well.
Me : Auditor's principles, if something is too small, it is immaterial, therefore, can be overlooked because it will not have a significant impact of the entire materiality of financial statements.
Him: Bio-tech principles, every small thing matters!!
This is the point where I go speechless.. I always made jokes about how scientific people and artistic people cannot get along. I didn't know the above could happen as well.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I am Jane's Rendezvous
There was a time when Sunil came up with this thing that we should both listen to Shakira's Hips don't lie just before an exam. I remember how I used to call him before my exams to release my stress. And he'd always play that song for me. I'm going for my mock exam for my law paper in an hour's time. I'm so not prepared. And this is a paper I've failed before. It feels so much worse than when I did my tax paper last semester. On the other hand, I totally deserve it. It feels like rendezvous again. I don't know what to do. Wish me luck. No, I need a miracle. All I ask is to not be barred...I don't know what else to spot. Hard core memorising is definitely not my departement.
And now, I shall listen to the song over and over again until my impending doom comes. :'(
And now, I shall listen to the song over and over again until my impending doom comes. :'(
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I am Jane's sad epiphany
I woke up late for class today, albeit solemnly swearing to attend the last week of lecture. But I kept to my word, I attended the whole day's lectures, although much to my disliking, Mr Marcus has decided to go overboard with the extra classes. As I was going through the day, I felt as if today was a day that I'd get an epiphany, although I obviously didn't know what it was.
The past 10 days have been crazy. Massive partying, lots of booze, lots of dancing, lots of laughter, lots of craziness, and of course, lots of spontaneity. But today, as I woke up and felt the epiphany coming, I just felt like I wanted to be left alone in total quietness. Unfortunately, my housemates were everywhere and I didn't really get my alone time. I finally resorted to sitting downstairs at the lobby like a mad woman talking to Sunil on the phone because someone else was too busy being moody. Not that he has no right to. We talked and talked until the wind started blowing and then it rained. Heavy rain always comes when I'm in one of my mood swings. And along with it always comes a realization. This time, the rain was so heavy, I was indirectly soaked in it even though i was standing right in the middle of the huge lobby.
I've never been afraid of growing up to be a nobody. Somehow, deep inside, I always knew that I'd be a someone. I don't mean to brag, but it's just some thing you feel inside of you. What I didn't know is that I'd be a someone that I didn't want to be. By being somebody, I don't mean the rich and famous. Just someone who has a tale to tell, someone respectable, someone well-off. But I always felt that I'd be this somebody with a dark secret (who doesn't have dark secrets?).
I know I'm sick. I like playing riddles. I like telling stories with stories hidden inside, I like saying things with double meanings. And I like giving that mysterious smile that makes you wonder more. It's just something that excites me.
The epiphany I had today is not one that a normal 19-year old would have. This is something that middle-aged people wake up to one morning, when there really is no point of return.
Basically, I've realised that although I have been knowingly and reluctantly climbing up the wrong ladder up the knowingly wrong wall, waiting for the wall to finally end so that I can switch walls, or at least find a crossing-over ladder to the right wall, I just realised that that dream, will only remain a dream. There will not be any other walls, there will not be any crossovers. Why?
Let's put it this way. I may be young, and many may say that it's still not too late to switch now. Or evern I can just finish this, and then start over. First of all, I'm not one to do something halfway, especially when it comes to studies. Secondly, by the time I'm through with all this, the word 'young' will not apply to me as easily. By the time I graduate, I'd be 20 at least, by the time I get my Associate's certificate, I'd be 23, and by the time I become a Fellow Associate, I'd be at least 25. By that time, I'd be so comfortable with it, I'd probably forget all my dreams. Or maybe, I'd be so scared of losing the financial and job security, I'd just forget about the whole dream. Even worse still, I sometimes see myself so engrossed in my work that I would have totally forgotten about my inital plans, and keep working my auditing ass off till one day, I wake up, and realise that this is not the dream I planned for.
Even now, I realise that this is not what I planned for. What saddens me is the fact that I'm only going to live this life once. And I've done something that cannot be undone. Not that anything can actually be undone, but I feel that I've actually put my foot so deep this time, that there really is no use looking back. I feel as if it'd be practical to just let my dreams go, but part of me still believes that things will turn out for the better.
The funny thing is that most of the time, if I yearn for something bad enough, I'd probably get it eventually, although at the weirdest time, place and situations. This just happened last week. In fact, it happened twice. I did't plan for it to happen like this. I didn't plan for it to happen now. And worst of all, I didn't even think it'd actually happen. What's done is done. I cannot turn back. I cannot do anything. I can't even talk about it, all I have is just a reminder. I don't even know if I should be glad it took place. Whatever it is, I have to keep my mind straight. It's not like it's the first time such thing has happened, but I must be careful not to let myself fall into the same trap again.
The whole day, I feel as if my brain has been twitching, or rather, it feels like someone little is inside there and he accidentally bumped into my brain. Not a good feeling. I don't know why I feel like that as well. But sometimes, it actually takes me deeper into my thoughts.
I need some comforting, I need to find solace. I don't know where to get it now. But I really yearn for it right now. Why won't things happen appropriately at a more timely and accurate manner? I like days when I wake up and feel like doing crazy things. No matter how crazy, I never regret them. A week after my hair stint, I got this:
It's a bit swollen, but I love it all the more. I don't know where else to pierce. I'm leaving the tattoo as a milestone mark for my graduation, but I need other places to pierce in the mean time. Funny how I'm so afraid of medical needles, but the same IV needle that they poked through my veins 5 times while I was screaming is the same needle that went through my belly button. I'm sadistic, I know.
Some people just know what they want to do at a young age. I envy those who are doing things like hotel management, graphic design, music, perhaps even journalism. These are things that they enjoy doing, they'd be more than happy to be forced into it. Some people don't even have to slog through their college days just because not only are they doing something their good at, but of their life's calling.
I haven't had my life's calling. All I have is a dream. A dream that I don't even know is the right one because I haven't tried it at all. All I have is a half-climbed ladder which I'm too far up to come down anymore. I cannot look down, I can only look up, but it's so misty up there that I cannot see my own future.
All I know is this; I don't want to wake up one day years later, thinking that I would have been happier doing something else, I don't want to wake up one day to find out that I'm at the wrong office doing the wrong thing, and I don't want to wake up one day, and ask myself what is the purpose of my life.
Most of all, I don't want to wake up one day, and think to myself, "what if it were different?", "what if I didn't think twice before doing what I did?", and "what would have happened if I did?". Thus, I want to try everything and anything I possibly can. And I must say, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
Partying pictures will be out next time. I'm too lazy. I remember the first time I started becoming a heavy drinker, and all the tabooed looks I got from fellow Convent girls. I don't give a damn anymore. There is no way that they can justify themselves better than me. Yes, I not only drink, I drink like a fish. And I'm proud I can do that. At least I don't pass out everywhere, turn red, or get drunk easily. I enjoy my booze, and I intend to. Just like how you enjoy chocolates, I enjoy booze. Fair enough.
And now that the whole party is over, and the crowd has left, I feel like the tired partially satisfied host, left all alone to clean the big obviously-messy after party mess.
This blog isn't as good as it was about two hours ago while the idea struck me. Simply because in life, we all have obligations to fulfill. After which, our own desire becomes less important. How sad to realise this at such an early age.
The past 10 days have been crazy. Massive partying, lots of booze, lots of dancing, lots of laughter, lots of craziness, and of course, lots of spontaneity. But today, as I woke up and felt the epiphany coming, I just felt like I wanted to be left alone in total quietness. Unfortunately, my housemates were everywhere and I didn't really get my alone time. I finally resorted to sitting downstairs at the lobby like a mad woman talking to Sunil on the phone because someone else was too busy being moody. Not that he has no right to. We talked and talked until the wind started blowing and then it rained. Heavy rain always comes when I'm in one of my mood swings. And along with it always comes a realization. This time, the rain was so heavy, I was indirectly soaked in it even though i was standing right in the middle of the huge lobby.
I've never been afraid of growing up to be a nobody. Somehow, deep inside, I always knew that I'd be a someone. I don't mean to brag, but it's just some thing you feel inside of you. What I didn't know is that I'd be a someone that I didn't want to be. By being somebody, I don't mean the rich and famous. Just someone who has a tale to tell, someone respectable, someone well-off. But I always felt that I'd be this somebody with a dark secret (who doesn't have dark secrets?).
I know I'm sick. I like playing riddles. I like telling stories with stories hidden inside, I like saying things with double meanings. And I like giving that mysterious smile that makes you wonder more. It's just something that excites me.
The epiphany I had today is not one that a normal 19-year old would have. This is something that middle-aged people wake up to one morning, when there really is no point of return.
Basically, I've realised that although I have been knowingly and reluctantly climbing up the wrong ladder up the knowingly wrong wall, waiting for the wall to finally end so that I can switch walls, or at least find a crossing-over ladder to the right wall, I just realised that that dream, will only remain a dream. There will not be any other walls, there will not be any crossovers. Why?
Let's put it this way. I may be young, and many may say that it's still not too late to switch now. Or evern I can just finish this, and then start over. First of all, I'm not one to do something halfway, especially when it comes to studies. Secondly, by the time I'm through with all this, the word 'young' will not apply to me as easily. By the time I graduate, I'd be 20 at least, by the time I get my Associate's certificate, I'd be 23, and by the time I become a Fellow Associate, I'd be at least 25. By that time, I'd be so comfortable with it, I'd probably forget all my dreams. Or maybe, I'd be so scared of losing the financial and job security, I'd just forget about the whole dream. Even worse still, I sometimes see myself so engrossed in my work that I would have totally forgotten about my inital plans, and keep working my auditing ass off till one day, I wake up, and realise that this is not the dream I planned for.
Even now, I realise that this is not what I planned for. What saddens me is the fact that I'm only going to live this life once. And I've done something that cannot be undone. Not that anything can actually be undone, but I feel that I've actually put my foot so deep this time, that there really is no use looking back. I feel as if it'd be practical to just let my dreams go, but part of me still believes that things will turn out for the better.
The funny thing is that most of the time, if I yearn for something bad enough, I'd probably get it eventually, although at the weirdest time, place and situations. This just happened last week. In fact, it happened twice. I did't plan for it to happen like this. I didn't plan for it to happen now. And worst of all, I didn't even think it'd actually happen. What's done is done. I cannot turn back. I cannot do anything. I can't even talk about it, all I have is just a reminder. I don't even know if I should be glad it took place. Whatever it is, I have to keep my mind straight. It's not like it's the first time such thing has happened, but I must be careful not to let myself fall into the same trap again.
The whole day, I feel as if my brain has been twitching, or rather, it feels like someone little is inside there and he accidentally bumped into my brain. Not a good feeling. I don't know why I feel like that as well. But sometimes, it actually takes me deeper into my thoughts.
I need some comforting, I need to find solace. I don't know where to get it now. But I really yearn for it right now. Why won't things happen appropriately at a more timely and accurate manner? I like days when I wake up and feel like doing crazy things. No matter how crazy, I never regret them. A week after my hair stint, I got this:
It's a bit swollen, but I love it all the more. I don't know where else to pierce. I'm leaving the tattoo as a milestone mark for my graduation, but I need other places to pierce in the mean time. Funny how I'm so afraid of medical needles, but the same IV needle that they poked through my veins 5 times while I was screaming is the same needle that went through my belly button. I'm sadistic, I know.
Some people just know what they want to do at a young age. I envy those who are doing things like hotel management, graphic design, music, perhaps even journalism. These are things that they enjoy doing, they'd be more than happy to be forced into it. Some people don't even have to slog through their college days just because not only are they doing something their good at, but of their life's calling.
I haven't had my life's calling. All I have is a dream. A dream that I don't even know is the right one because I haven't tried it at all. All I have is a half-climbed ladder which I'm too far up to come down anymore. I cannot look down, I can only look up, but it's so misty up there that I cannot see my own future.
All I know is this; I don't want to wake up one day years later, thinking that I would have been happier doing something else, I don't want to wake up one day to find out that I'm at the wrong office doing the wrong thing, and I don't want to wake up one day, and ask myself what is the purpose of my life.
Most of all, I don't want to wake up one day, and think to myself, "what if it were different?", "what if I didn't think twice before doing what I did?", and "what would have happened if I did?". Thus, I want to try everything and anything I possibly can. And I must say, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
Partying pictures will be out next time. I'm too lazy. I remember the first time I started becoming a heavy drinker, and all the tabooed looks I got from fellow Convent girls. I don't give a damn anymore. There is no way that they can justify themselves better than me. Yes, I not only drink, I drink like a fish. And I'm proud I can do that. At least I don't pass out everywhere, turn red, or get drunk easily. I enjoy my booze, and I intend to. Just like how you enjoy chocolates, I enjoy booze. Fair enough.
And now that the whole party is over, and the crowd has left, I feel like the tired partially satisfied host, left all alone to clean the big obviously-messy after party mess.
This blog isn't as good as it was about two hours ago while the idea struck me. Simply because in life, we all have obligations to fulfill. After which, our own desire becomes less important. How sad to realise this at such an early age.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I am Jane's Reformation
I've been letting myself lose since Friday, it feels nice to take a break. But I haven't attended any law classes and I just skipped Professional Accountant today as well. On the other hand, I managed to change my driving license from a P to a CDL, which means that I now have a full-fledged legal license to kill, not that I'm looking forward to killing anyone.
Just like our nation, I feel a change coming over me. And just like the people, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow, a permanently better tomorrow. I'm not one to sit and wait for things to happen, I make things happen. Although, I really am enjoying this transition period. Who doesn't like a fun and care-free lifestyle?
You know, words and me have always gone well together. But I'm finding it so hard to put into words what I want to say nowadays. I hate globalization. I hate how it makes you numb to the world. Although all I used to feel was pain and dread, I felt so much better when I was able to utter words that matched how I felt to the point.
However, this thing that I love, this whole changing process, this whole spiritual and mental (but not physical) cleansing, it's all like a drug. A drug so potent that I'm so addicted to, I just can't get enough.
This whole thing has become like ecstasy (please don't assume that I'm doing drugs, I didn't say I am); everytime you take a bite, you feel so good, the whole process takes you higher and higher until you reach the climax, and then things start going the opposite direction, and you start craving for more, hence you keep looking and searching and will do anything to feel the same again. But after a while, or even sometimes, ecstasy doesn't make you feel good, it makes you crash, it makes your emotions feel twice stronger than they really are. I don't complain. I like that feeling. That's the feeling that lets me know I'm still human. Maybe I'm just psychotic and sadistic. That's what it does to you.
I'm at this chapter in Professional Accountant where they teach us about ethics and such. It's more of a psychological topic than about business ethics. I don't like how no matter what your moral stance is, no matter what the philosophy, there is always right and wrong. Seriously, who gives us the right to judge who is right and who is wrong, what is right and what is wrong? I don't like how I have to justify my actions, and I don't like how I need justification before I do something. I'd really rather do it and then think about the consequences. And no, I don't do things like robbing and killing. Show me a person who hasn't sinned and I will tell you his first sin : lying. Why is society so harsh on the rigid lines of who's right and who's wrong? Can't we live and let live?
I'm feeling poetic, melo-dramatic (as always), metaphorical and philosophical today..
Simple ironies of life:
I think I'm really sick. I complain about being unhappy, but when I'm happy, I start wondering if this is really me, and rather that I was not. There are days when I wake up and hate my hair, there are days when I wake up and wished that I could stare at the mirror all day. This really is a fling. I don't have that same natural every-day consistent love for it. Or maybe I'm just not used to it. It's not just hair, there's more to it.
Was watching Narnia Prince of Caspian just now, and was trying to figure out the meaning behind it. I did get a little bit of my own interpretation, although I don't know if it were really true or not. How I could write in riddles again. Having a story behind a story is fun.
Just like our nation, I feel a change coming over me. And just like the people, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow, a permanently better tomorrow. I'm not one to sit and wait for things to happen, I make things happen. Although, I really am enjoying this transition period. Who doesn't like a fun and care-free lifestyle?
You know, words and me have always gone well together. But I'm finding it so hard to put into words what I want to say nowadays. I hate globalization. I hate how it makes you numb to the world. Although all I used to feel was pain and dread, I felt so much better when I was able to utter words that matched how I felt to the point.
However, this thing that I love, this whole changing process, this whole spiritual and mental (but not physical) cleansing, it's all like a drug. A drug so potent that I'm so addicted to, I just can't get enough.
This whole thing has become like ecstasy (please don't assume that I'm doing drugs, I didn't say I am); everytime you take a bite, you feel so good, the whole process takes you higher and higher until you reach the climax, and then things start going the opposite direction, and you start craving for more, hence you keep looking and searching and will do anything to feel the same again. But after a while, or even sometimes, ecstasy doesn't make you feel good, it makes you crash, it makes your emotions feel twice stronger than they really are. I don't complain. I like that feeling. That's the feeling that lets me know I'm still human. Maybe I'm just psychotic and sadistic. That's what it does to you.
I'm at this chapter in Professional Accountant where they teach us about ethics and such. It's more of a psychological topic than about business ethics. I don't like how no matter what your moral stance is, no matter what the philosophy, there is always right and wrong. Seriously, who gives us the right to judge who is right and who is wrong, what is right and what is wrong? I don't like how I have to justify my actions, and I don't like how I need justification before I do something. I'd really rather do it and then think about the consequences. And no, I don't do things like robbing and killing. Show me a person who hasn't sinned and I will tell you his first sin : lying. Why is society so harsh on the rigid lines of who's right and who's wrong? Can't we live and let live?
I'm feeling poetic, melo-dramatic (as always), metaphorical and philosophical today..
Simple ironies of life:
Somewhere along caring less for others
I started caring less about myself
Somewhere along searching for myself
I lost myself
Somewhere along pursuing my interest
I've come to succumb to deadlines and rigid requirements
Somewhere along running away from my past
I've come to the same situation, different person
Somewhere along trying to become stronger
I've let myself become more vulnerable
Somewhere along telling myself I will never let history repeat itself
I'm trying very hard to justify that this is different
Somewhere along running away and not letting anything get in my way
I feel something else pulling me back
Somewhere along pursuing happiness
I'm not sure if I want to be happy because being happy just isn't my thing
Somewhere along wishing that the world was not round
I'm grateful that she'll never catch me this way
Somewhere along resting on stable waters
I rocked the boat just to see how it feels like once again
I think I'm really sick. I complain about being unhappy, but when I'm happy, I start wondering if this is really me, and rather that I was not. There are days when I wake up and hate my hair, there are days when I wake up and wished that I could stare at the mirror all day. This really is a fling. I don't have that same natural every-day consistent love for it. Or maybe I'm just not used to it. It's not just hair, there's more to it.
Was watching Narnia Prince of Caspian just now, and was trying to figure out the meaning behind it. I did get a little bit of my own interpretation, although I don't know if it were really true or not. How I could write in riddles again. Having a story behind a story is fun.
Beyond these words, lie another story hidden behind every stroke, every bent, every curve. It's like the golden gates guarding the beautiful garden inside it. Find the key, unlock its secrets, and the garden will be yours to enjoy..
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I am Jane, all new and improved formula
And so, Sunil obviously did a pretty good job in talking me through the whole thing and now, welcome the all new me. At the beginning, I was still trying to salvage as much as my hair and tried persuading the hairstylist, Angie, to give me a fake bob instead of a real one (apparently there's a difference). But of course, Sunil intervened and I left it up to her prerogative.
The end results. Yes, I did a Rihanna (and now, everytime Sunil sees me he can't help but start singing Umbrella). No, I didn't do it because I saw Rihanna do it, and I most certainly didn't do it because all the other girls were doing it. If I did, I would have cut my hair short a long time ago. I did it for myself. And I had no idea it'd turn out like this. My survey results:
A preview for you before you come back...
This was my last attempt at salvaging my hair. I wanted to stop at this length, but Sunil said "NO!!" and so, it got shorter. By the way, Angie saved the first snippet of hair for me. Probably because Sunil went "EEEKK!!" when she cut it.
In loving memory of my long silky smooth multi-coloured hair 2001-2008. I will see you again soon.
Freaky as it is, I'm still keeping it. I don't know why. Am thinking of laminating it. But will the heat spoil the texture??
In loving memory of my long silky smooth multi-coloured hair 2001-2008. I will see you again soon.
Freaky as it is, I'm still keeping it. I don't know why. Am thinking of laminating it. But will the heat spoil the texture??
The end results. Yes, I did a Rihanna (and now, everytime Sunil sees me he can't help but start singing Umbrella). No, I didn't do it because I saw Rihanna do it, and I most certainly didn't do it because all the other girls were doing it. If I did, I would have cut my hair short a long time ago. I did it for myself. And I had no idea it'd turn out like this. My survey results:
- Sunil loves it (he should, he talked me into cutting it THAT short)
- Yuvan doesn't notice the difference
- Ezra replied the usual "Okay what!"
- Peter Hoong doesn't like the fact that I have short hair
- Auntie thought I was joking when I said I was going to cut my hair, and when I sent her the MMS she choked
- Ratna loves it
- Mabel supposedly loves it as well and now she has done the same
- Chung Li Kuan said "Ohmigod!! You stupid girl. Do you know how I wished I had your silky smooth straight hair?"
- Angeline said "Did you go crazy for a split second?"
- Prem (who is never nice with criticism) said "Not bad arr!"
A preview for you before you come back...
I have a lot of things to say, some should be censored, some should not be said at all.
All I can say is I hate routine. I hate anything that is repetitive, boring, mundane, normal, day-to-day. Some how, together with the new hairstyle, unintended happiness came along.
All this while, I suddenly became a shaddow in college, but nowadays everyone notices me. I feel as if my face looks brighter and so, Mabel, contrary to your believe that hair is just hair, hair DOES make a huge difference.
I don't care about the attention, but the feeling and exhiliration it has brought on to me. First of all, I feel reborn, renewed, refreshed. Everyday I wake up, I feel as if I now look forward to what's ahead instead of dreading it.
Secondly, I feel me again. Somewhere along finding myself, I happened to lost myself. I gave myself up to people who didn't care about me. Now, I feel as if I have priorities and that is to love me as much as well. And thus, I feel more confident.
Thirdly, I feel as if my world is falling into place again. I feel as if I have a purpose to live, I feel as if I'm ME again. It's as though someone has awoken the sleeping snake (because I'm born in the year of the zodiac snake) in me and now I'm ready to erm...bite?
Last but not least, I feel like a whole new me. I feel as if I can do anything and everything. I feel as if the sky is my limit and I feel like the world is mine. I've even started to fall in love with David Guetta again. It's as though some how, the music had become muffled over the months, and now I can hear it loud and clear again. Pure ecstasy! And so, I shall leave you with this video and a mischievous smile to leave you wondering about my dirty little secrets, that is, if I have any.
I remember the first time I got really high and flying (on what I will not say). I was looking/ staring at the pretty disco lights in my friends room while listening to David Guetta's Love don't let me go. And I fell in love instantly. After which, my music taste expanded, but now, I'm as hooked on David Guetta as I was when I first heard him.
It's nice to let yourself loose once in a while. REALLY Lose control. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe you can cope with the stress, but I can't. I need big time massive drastic breaks to recharge myself for the next league. And so, I have one more week to go party like it's my mother fucking job before I start dying for the mock exams again. By the way, did I mentioned that Marcus gave me the same marks again? And I didn't even study!! I still have about a month plus before the real exams..Sigh! How time flies..
All I can say is I hate routine. I hate anything that is repetitive, boring, mundane, normal, day-to-day. Some how, together with the new hairstyle, unintended happiness came along.
All this while, I suddenly became a shaddow in college, but nowadays everyone notices me. I feel as if my face looks brighter and so, Mabel, contrary to your believe that hair is just hair, hair DOES make a huge difference.
I don't care about the attention, but the feeling and exhiliration it has brought on to me. First of all, I feel reborn, renewed, refreshed. Everyday I wake up, I feel as if I now look forward to what's ahead instead of dreading it.
Secondly, I feel me again. Somewhere along finding myself, I happened to lost myself. I gave myself up to people who didn't care about me. Now, I feel as if I have priorities and that is to love me as much as well. And thus, I feel more confident.
Thirdly, I feel as if my world is falling into place again. I feel as if I have a purpose to live, I feel as if I'm ME again. It's as though someone has awoken the sleeping snake (because I'm born in the year of the zodiac snake) in me and now I'm ready to erm...bite?
Last but not least, I feel like a whole new me. I feel as if I can do anything and everything. I feel as if the sky is my limit and I feel like the world is mine. I've even started to fall in love with David Guetta again. It's as though some how, the music had become muffled over the months, and now I can hear it loud and clear again. Pure ecstasy! And so, I shall leave you with this video and a mischievous smile to leave you wondering about my dirty little secrets, that is, if I have any.
I remember the first time I got really high and flying (on what I will not say). I was looking/ staring at the pretty disco lights in my friends room while listening to David Guetta's Love don't let me go. And I fell in love instantly. After which, my music taste expanded, but now, I'm as hooked on David Guetta as I was when I first heard him.
It's nice to let yourself loose once in a while. REALLY Lose control. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe you can cope with the stress, but I can't. I need big time massive drastic breaks to recharge myself for the next league. And so, I have one more week to go party like it's my mother fucking job before I start dying for the mock exams again. By the way, did I mentioned that Marcus gave me the same marks again? And I didn't even study!! I still have about a month plus before the real exams..Sigh! How time flies..
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I am Jane and it's time for a change
Haha..my title rhymes! Today, I woke up and felt as if I need a drastic change because part of my resolution is coming true. I should reward myself. And I should change something drastically so as to mark a mile stone so that I don't turn back to the way I was. As expected, my parents aren't letting me shift. I don't say it's a bad thing. Because I'm now even all the more determined to start working in about six months time. Also, I have started to rock the boat once again. Mildly, not a big huge wave though. How strange that it feels exactly like what happened 2 years ago. Only now I'm not stupid enough to fall into the same trap as I did. I promise I will not, no matter how hard I'm going to rock these gentle waters this time. More about that when I'm in the mood. As for now, I've gotten Sunil to give me moral support for my DRASTIC CHANGE process.
Yeap, say good bye to my long darling tresses. You have done me well. Maybe I'll see you again, maybe I'll not. But I know I will miss you. All the combing, all the washing, all the blow drying, all the fuss and everything. My angled bob will be a fling. You will be my true love. Lol!
And so, why Sunil of all people. Because he is the only one who can talk me into/ out of/ through everything and anything. That's why he makes up for good moral support. Let's see if I do get it through this time. I've always sat on the idea. So I better do it now before I start doubting again. Oh, I so know I'm going to regret this when I get back. Well, at least I'll still have perfect eyebrows!
Yeap, say good bye to my long darling tresses. You have done me well. Maybe I'll see you again, maybe I'll not. But I know I will miss you. All the combing, all the washing, all the blow drying, all the fuss and everything. My angled bob will be a fling. You will be my true love. Lol!
And so, why Sunil of all people. Because he is the only one who can talk me into/ out of/ through everything and anything. That's why he makes up for good moral support. Let's see if I do get it through this time. I've always sat on the idea. So I better do it now before I start doubting again. Oh, I so know I'm going to regret this when I get back. Well, at least I'll still have perfect eyebrows!
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