The past 10 days have been crazy. Massive partying, lots of booze, lots of dancing, lots of laughter, lots of craziness, and of course, lots of spontaneity. But today, as I woke up and felt the epiphany coming, I just felt like I wanted to be left alone in total quietness. Unfortunately, my housemates were everywhere and I didn't really get my alone time. I finally resorted to sitting downstairs at the lobby like a mad woman talking to Sunil on the phone because someone else was too busy being moody. Not that he has no right to. We talked and talked until the wind started blowing and then it rained. Heavy rain always comes when I'm in one of my mood swings. And along with it always comes a realization. This time, the rain was so heavy, I was indirectly soaked in it even though i was standing right in the middle of the huge lobby.
I've never been afraid of growing up to be a nobody. Somehow, deep inside, I always knew that I'd be a someone. I don't mean to brag, but it's just some thing you feel inside of you. What I didn't know is that I'd be a someone that I didn't want to be. By being somebody, I don't mean the rich and famous. Just someone who has a tale to tell, someone respectable, someone well-off. But I always felt that I'd be this somebody with a dark secret (who doesn't have dark secrets?).
I know I'm sick. I like playing riddles. I like telling stories with stories hidden inside, I like saying things with double meanings. And I like giving that mysterious smile that makes you wonder more. It's just something that excites me.
The epiphany I had today is not one that a normal 19-year old would have. This is something that middle-aged people wake up to one morning, when there really is no point of return.
Basically, I've realised that although I have been knowingly and reluctantly climbing up the wrong ladder up the knowingly wrong wall, waiting for the wall to finally end so that I can switch walls, or at least find a crossing-over ladder to the right wall, I just realised that that dream, will only remain a dream. There will not be any other walls, there will not be any crossovers. Why?
Let's put it this way. I may be young, and many may say that it's still not too late to switch now. Or evern I can just finish this, and then start over. First of all, I'm not one to do something halfway, especially when it comes to studies. Secondly, by the time I'm through with all this, the word 'young' will not apply to me as easily. By the time I graduate, I'd be 20 at least, by the time I get my Associate's certificate, I'd be 23, and by the time I become a Fellow Associate, I'd be at least 25. By that time, I'd be so comfortable with it, I'd probably forget all my dreams. Or maybe, I'd be so scared of losing the financial and job security, I'd just forget about the whole dream. Even worse still, I sometimes see myself so engrossed in my work that I would have totally forgotten about my inital plans, and keep working my auditing ass off till one day, I wake up, and realise that this is not the dream I planned for.
Even now, I realise that this is not what I planned for. What saddens me is the fact that I'm only going to live this life once. And I've done something that cannot be undone. Not that anything can actually be undone, but I feel that I've actually put my foot so deep this time, that there really is no use looking back. I feel as if it'd be practical to just let my dreams go, but part of me still believes that things will turn out for the better.
The funny thing is that most of the time, if I yearn for something bad enough, I'd probably get it eventually, although at the weirdest time, place and situations. This just happened last week. In fact, it happened twice. I did't plan for it to happen like this. I didn't plan for it to happen now. And worst of all, I didn't even think it'd actually happen. What's done is done. I cannot turn back. I cannot do anything. I can't even talk about it, all I have is just a reminder. I don't even know if I should be glad it took place. Whatever it is, I have to keep my mind straight. It's not like it's the first time such thing has happened, but I must be careful not to let myself fall into the same trap again.
The whole day, I feel as if my brain has been twitching, or rather, it feels like someone little is inside there and he accidentally bumped into my brain. Not a good feeling. I don't know why I feel like that as well. But sometimes, it actually takes me deeper into my thoughts.
I need some comforting, I need to find solace. I don't know where to get it now. But I really yearn for it right now. Why won't things happen appropriately at a more timely and accurate manner? I like days when I wake up and feel like doing crazy things. No matter how crazy, I never regret them. A week after my hair stint, I got this:
It's a bit swollen, but I love it all the more. I don't know where else to pierce. I'm leaving the tattoo as a milestone mark for my graduation, but I need other places to pierce in the mean time. Funny how I'm so afraid of medical needles, but the same IV needle that they poked through my veins 5 times while I was screaming is the same needle that went through my belly button. I'm sadistic, I know.
Some people just know what they want to do at a young age. I envy those who are doing things like hotel management, graphic design, music, perhaps even journalism. These are things that they enjoy doing, they'd be more than happy to be forced into it. Some people don't even have to slog through their college days just because not only are they doing something their good at, but of their life's calling.
I haven't had my life's calling. All I have is a dream. A dream that I don't even know is the right one because I haven't tried it at all. All I have is a half-climbed ladder which I'm too far up to come down anymore. I cannot look down, I can only look up, but it's so misty up there that I cannot see my own future.
All I know is this; I don't want to wake up one day years later, thinking that I would have been happier doing something else, I don't want to wake up one day to find out that I'm at the wrong office doing the wrong thing, and I don't want to wake up one day, and ask myself what is the purpose of my life.
Most of all, I don't want to wake up one day, and think to myself, "what if it were different?", "what if I didn't think twice before doing what I did?", and "what would have happened if I did?". Thus, I want to try everything and anything I possibly can. And I must say, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
Partying pictures will be out next time. I'm too lazy. I remember the first time I started becoming a heavy drinker, and all the tabooed looks I got from fellow Convent girls. I don't give a damn anymore. There is no way that they can justify themselves better than me. Yes, I not only drink, I drink like a fish. And I'm proud I can do that. At least I don't pass out everywhere, turn red, or get drunk easily. I enjoy my booze, and I intend to. Just like how you enjoy chocolates, I enjoy booze. Fair enough.
And now that the whole party is over, and the crowd has left, I feel like the tired partially satisfied host, left all alone to clean the big obviously-messy after party mess.
This blog isn't as good as it was about two hours ago while the idea struck me. Simply because in life, we all have obligations to fulfill. After which, our own desire becomes less important. How sad to realise this at such an early age.
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