I am Jane's Reformation

I've been letting myself lose since Friday, it feels nice to take a break. But I haven't attended any law classes and I just skipped Professional Accountant today as well. On the other hand, I managed to change my driving license from a P to a CDL, which means that I now have a full-fledged legal license to kill, not that I'm looking forward to killing anyone.

Just like our nation, I feel a change coming over me. And just like the people, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow, a permanently better tomorrow. I'm not one to sit and wait for things to happen, I make things happen. Although, I really am enjoying this transition period. Who doesn't like a fun and care-free lifestyle?

You know, words and me have always gone well together. But I'm finding it so hard to put into words what I want to say nowadays. I hate globalization. I hate how it makes you numb to the world. Although all I used to feel was pain and dread, I felt so much better when I was able to utter words that matched how I felt to the point.

However, this thing that I love, this whole changing process, this whole spiritual and mental (but not physical) cleansing, it's all like a drug. A drug so potent that I'm so addicted to, I just can't get enough.

This whole thing has become like ecstasy (please don't assume that I'm doing drugs, I didn't say I am); everytime you take a bite, you feel so good, the whole process takes you higher and higher until you reach the climax, and then things start going the opposite direction, and you start craving for more, hence you keep looking and searching and will do anything to feel the same again. But after a while, or even sometimes, ecstasy doesn't make you feel good, it makes you crash, it makes your emotions feel twice stronger than they really are. I don't complain. I like that feeling. That's the feeling that lets me know I'm still human. Maybe I'm just psychotic and sadistic. That's what it does to you.

I'm at this chapter in Professional Accountant where they teach us about ethics and such. It's more of a psychological topic than about business ethics. I don't like how no matter what your moral stance is, no matter what the philosophy, there is always right and wrong. Seriously, who gives us the right to judge who is right and who is wrong, what is right and what is wrong? I don't like how I have to justify my actions, and I don't like how I need justification before I do something. I'd really rather do it and then think about the consequences. And no, I don't do things like robbing and killing. Show me a person who hasn't sinned and I will tell you his first sin : lying. Why is society so harsh on the rigid lines of who's right and who's wrong? Can't we live and let live?

I'm feeling poetic, melo-dramatic (as always), metaphorical and philosophical today..

Simple ironies of life:

Somewhere along caring less for others
I started caring less about myself
Somewhere along searching for myself
I lost myself
Somewhere along pursuing my interest
I've come to succumb to deadlines and rigid requirements
Somewhere along running away from my past
I've come to the same situation, different person
Somewhere along trying to become stronger
I've let myself become more vulnerable
Somewhere along telling myself I will never let history repeat itself
I'm trying very hard to justify that this is different
Somewhere along running away and not letting anything get in my way
I feel something else pulling me back
Somewhere along pursuing happiness
I'm not sure if I want to be happy because being happy just isn't my thing
Somewhere along wishing that the world was not round
I'm grateful that she'll never catch me this way
Somewhere along resting on stable waters
I rocked the boat just to see how it feels like once again

I think I'm really sick. I complain about being unhappy, but when I'm happy, I start wondering if this is really me, and rather that I was not. There are days when I wake up and hate my hair, there are days when I wake up and wished that I could stare at the mirror all day. This really is a fling. I don't have that same natural every-day consistent love for it. Or maybe I'm just not used to it. It's not just hair, there's more to it.

Was watching Narnia Prince of Caspian just now, and was trying to figure out the meaning behind it. I did get a little bit of my own interpretation, although I don't know if it were really true or not. How I could write in riddles again. Having a story behind a story is fun.

Beyond these words, lie another story hidden behind every stroke, every bent, every curve. It's like the golden gates guarding the beautiful garden inside it. Find the key, unlock its secrets, and the garden will be yours to enjoy..