I need some answers.
First, what are you trying to prove to me because I'm having a hard time learning this life lesson.
I know that we should give our best, and leave the rest to you,
but why do you make it so hard for me?
I try and try, to the point that I'm a control freak,
making up for the things I cannot control,
compensating for the things that are bound to happen,
but no, everything goes wrong anyway.
And it's not just ONE THING.
It's a few things that do not only affect me NOW, but later on as well.
I feel like screaming at You, but it's not like you're anywhere around me for me to scream at.
I don't have anyone I can scream at who will understand,
the one person who does understand me is misunderstanding me,
and for that I'm so pissed at him that I feel like hating him for the first time.
I wish I'd never wake up and because of that I sleep ridiculous amounts of hours.
I put others first before myself, but I always end up getting hurt,
even having other people accusing me of deserving what I get,
just because they take advantage of me and step all over me.
I think of how my actions affect others,
only to hurt myself and the ones who actually love me.
I try to please everyone,
only to end up being very frustrated and unpleased myself,
of which nobody cares anyway.
Because it's always them them them,
never me me me.
My very existence hurts me.
I am in pain emotionally, physically and mentally.
I am so angry at You for even allowing me to exist.
If You want me to go insane can I go already?
I won't even fight it.
If You want me dead can You end it already?
I don't want to feel anymore.
Life is just so painful for me.
I don't want this to be just a painful stretch that I won't even remember next time.
I don't want to look at my re-grown toenail and just remember that I once lost it.
I want to get something out of it.
I don't want this to just be a phase in my life.
I'm surrounded by all these people who don't really care about me genuinely.
I'm surrounded by selfish people who want something out of me.
I'm surrounded by people who wouldn't even cry if I were dead tomorrow.
I'm surrounded by people
but yet I feel so alone.
Tell me God, am I such a bad person to deserve all this?
Was I such a bad person that I'm paying my debts now?
I'm just so angry at You.
I try not to, but I just am.
I want this to end.
I can't take it anymore.
Must I jump to prove a point?
What do You want from me?
I don't want to feel all this anymore.
I don't want the best life ever.
I don't want such luck that I'd win the lottery 10 times in a row.
But I definitely don't want such bad luck that challenges the viability of Murphy's law.
I just want to be normal.
I'd give anything for all this to stop.
Why do You hurt me?
I try and try.
But why do You keep treating me this way?
I try.
And I try never to give up.
But it's becoming more and more difficult.
I try.
Maybe the problem is that I AM trying.
Are you telling me that I should let go and let whatever be, be?
Should I just sit here and wait for divine intervention?
LISTEN TO ME GOD!!!
(I was in this shop buying a gift for a friend, being in my usual hasty mode when i need to be efficient coz i wanted to go home quick. i pointed at the gift, asked them to get it out, and here this stupid sales girl was, just standing there waiting for the other client who wasn't even sure if he wanted that wallet or not to make a decision. and while i was waiting angrily, this guy walks backwards INTO ME while i was leaning against the glass counter, my toenail got hooked onto his freaking thick skating shoes, and then rips my toenail off, and he runs off out of the shop...and there i was in pain bleeding on to the floor, bloody woman is still waiting for possible client to make decision, looks at me, and then looks back, and when i asked her for a plaster, she asks one of the other sales girls to get one, nobody had one, so i had to bleed all the way to guardian. the freaking mini-operation hurt like a bitch, the doctor didn't give me any anaesthetics coz the toenail was almost all out anyway, so he just pulled it out. that's not the cherry on top of the icing. for the next 2-3 weeks depending on the doctor's mood, i will have to CONSTANTLY go back to the clinic to endure the same agonizing pain as the doctor rips out the gauze to change the dressing. and i will be toenail-less for about a year. which means that i won't be able to do much coz i won't be able to wear proper shoes. and i have to go for interviews soon. and it's not like i can go up to my future employee and tell him "by the way, i'm not wearing proper court shoes because i'm missing a toenail". i really don't understand. i really don't. i feel like screaming at god and saying "I GIVE UP! I'm just going to sit here and wait for your great divine intervention". i don't expect everything to go my way, but i do hope that everything doesn't go wrong either! and so far, it has. i can't even walk properly. and it's just a freaking toenail! if life's like that when im only 20, i wonder what it's going to be like when im 40.)
Please enlighten me. How do you expect me to not be angry? How do you expect me to be all calm and zen? There're a lot of people I hate out there, but let's just make this easier: I HATE ME
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