The dates matched reality, it was October 12 or something like that.
A letter came in the mail that morning, telling me that my ABRSM Grade 8 examination venue would be at Legend Inn Hotel (where it usually is in real life),
On 12 October 2009, 3pm.
Which meant that I had no time what so ever to practise or anything.
Well I had a few hours, but not enough for me to master what I need to.
I remember that heavy feeling in my heart.
Wishing I was dead.
I knew I was better off dead.
And then I realised "Wait a minute, I've already passed Grade 8!"
"And I did more than just pass, I got Merit or something.."
"WAKE UP!!!"
I forced myself to wake up,
But I couldn't go back to sleep.
Why? Because I knew in real life, I have an exam coming up in about a month,
I've been skipping classes,
I'm absolutely unprepared,
And I feel like I have nothing up there.
I know I have something up there, but it's hidden in some random corner waiting for me to dig it out again when I revise.
So yes, I have kakorrhaphiophobia,or more crudely put, kiasu-ism.
Not in everything,
but just studies.
I hate going into the exam knowing I didn't do my best.
I'm scared of going into the exam not knowing anything.
It doesn't mean that I'm stingy with knowledge, it just means that I feel the need to excel.
Every failure is like a blow towards my ability.
I get crippled with every F I get every semester.
But it's enough for me to want to do better the next time, with less confidence.
Because that's the only thing I do well,
which nobody can turn around and take away from me.
You can't take away my degree from me.
You can take my friends,
my happiness,
my sanity,
but you can't take away the fact that I have brains...
enough for me to be where I am today.
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