I am Jane's quickie before bed

A very close friend just messaged me on MSN 10 minutes ago and we had one of those conversations that reminded me why we were close. There are days when I just want to distant myself from him, and there are even days when I feel like he and I aren't really friends anymore. Those are the days when I feel like he will not honour his promise to me. And yet, time and time again, at that very point just before I give up, he comes in with these kind of conversation to remind me exactly that. People say you can find plenty of friends who are ever willing to have fun and laugh with you. But this friend is always closer when I need to cry (or when he needs to cry) whereas when we're just talking nonsense, he and I have drifted apart over the years. It's like we're not in the same wavelength anymore. It's so weird. It's not like I'm no fun. We used to hang out every single day. We used to love each other's company. And for people like us who love our personal space, I think that's really impossible. But like I said, I outgrow people way faster than anyone else. And I can't just sit and wait for them to grow up at my own expense, I want to know everything that I'm capable of. And so, we drift apart, and I am definitely the one who grows out of the wavelength. But I'm glad we still share heart to heart conversations. People think that I am at times, immature. I can't be mature in everything, but I am definitely, out of my own league. I know it for sure, because can you imagine that this guy is three years older than I am, who is considered by everyone to be more mature for his age, but yet when we met three years ago, we were on the same wavelength, and today, I've outgrown the things he loves doing? I'm not saying I'm boring, I've just gone pass teasing and screaming like a mad woman, to a certain extent. We still hangout, but it doesn't feel anything like what we used to anymore.

This friend was feeling unusually depressed because he had just gone clubbing with his friends, and it didn't feel anything like what he used to do when he was here. The fact is, it can really never be the same, can it? If it were the same, it would be useless to go over there. He missed how he used to be able to pick up girls easily here, but there's no one there who wouldn't think that he's looking for a one night stand. Apparently he feels like a loser, so imagine how other ordinary guys feel. And now, after fooling around for more than a year in Malaysia, and almost a year of 'celibacy', he now wants a girlfriend for fun and to hug and cuddle with. When he said that, my stupid idealistic bubble just burst. And I remembered why I was in a relationship. I know I just got out of one, and I'm definitely not looking now, but one day I'm going to feel like that. And that feeling SUCKS. I know that the other person is feeling it too, but we're better off apart for both our own good. Right now, I'm pretty sure what I want my relationship status is, but what's going to happen when that feeling strikes? And it's not like there are warning signs or anything.

Why are we made this way? Adam and Eve? To complement each other, to be life partners. Why do we have this stupid urge to find our significant other, and hopefully one who will last? And when we do, we go through a honeymoon period where we try to be each other's ideal partner, only to find out that we're not when the period is over and our eyes are opened. We get stuck in routines, we get bored, we wonder what if, we fight, we make up, and then we fight some more, only to fit the stereotype of what society deems fit as a 'couple', and then we fight and we fight some more, we cry, sometimes we make up, other times it just ends. Rinse and repeat. It's not like we don't love each other when we're together, we just fall out of love sometimes. And other times, we love the person so much we don't want to ever see ourselves hating each other. Why are we so complicated? Why do we need to be in a relationship? Why do we need that stupid mushy feeling when we get cuddled? Why do we smile when we wake up to the other person's face? Why do you feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when that person hugs you? Why do you feel like no one else but you matters to him when he kisses you? And that stupid perpetual smile on your face when you're walking hand in hand in public. And then you want more.

My friend claims that he has no one who cares for him. I am a strong advocate against empathy, but I definitely know that feeling. And I know for sure that he fits no where near that category. He is blessed with so much charm that everyone instantly likes him. He of all people can afford to pick at his friends, he of all people has no right to say that no one cares for him because although there are so many who come to him just to have fun, there are people like me and two other friends who are constantly by his side no matter what. To be honest, all three of us are feeling very lost without him. I am for sure. I am VERY lost. He may not be my boyfriend, and we may have our differences, I may not mean as much as he means to me, but I am very lonely without him here. It's not like I don't have friends, it's just that he is the only constant in my life. And I don't have a lot of that. I know other people care for me as well, but sometimes, in a way that irritates me. I know that talking about him might drive other friends away, but no other person has shown me that he can be as consistent as he is. I don't know, no matter how little effort he puts inside, sometimes there are little things that he says that break through this opaque ceiling falling on me, and I see a small glimpse of light of which I'm able to use to guide me out of what ever mess I'm in. I finally missed him today, a discussion someone else was having made me realised that. It's not that I don't care about anything else, like I said, he is the only constant I have in my life. I'm considering putting a password on this but I don't know how.

Long rant. But I feel satisfied now, but I can't sleep.