I am Jane in Pain

If you think the title of the post is funny because it rhymes, let me assure you the contents are NOT. I sat staring at the blank screen and blinking cursor wondering how I can make this blog sound happy. The truth is, it's very hard to be a happy me. Sure everyone else who doesn't know me well enough can say that being happy is a choice, but if you are close to me (think close enough to be affected by what happens to me, that's how 'neighbour' is defined in law), then you'd get the feel of how hard it is for me to be happy.

For starters, I do not choose to be unhappy, I do not choose to be cranky and I do not choose for misfortune to happen to me (who does?). So, if you think all I do is sit and complain, buzz off. I don't need you to show me your hypocrisy. And yes, I am in a bad mood. Whether or not you choose to read is up to you. I did not force you and neither did I point a gun at your head to make you read. I write what I want, you read what you want. Fair and square. Like I said, many know me, but only a few know who I am. So if you can't empathize, don't criticize. No, I'm not in a rhyming mood, they just so happen to rhyme.

This post, I believe, is from the very depths of my heart. There's never a day that goes by without me wondering what I've done to ever deserve what happens to me. I don't think that I'm a very demanding person when it comes to life, and I don't believe that I don't have dreams just like everyone else. I don't think I'm not grateful for what I get, and on the other hand, I don't think I'm over grateful of what happens to me. Sure I may not be very religious, and sure I don't buy other people's words very easily, but I do have my own principles and I dare say I live up to them as much as I can. What I'm trying to say is that even though I think that morality is subjective, I still don't do what I think is not right, and even that subjects to some of the things society thinks as wrong. I don't kill (I'm serious when I say I don't even have the heart to kill even an insect), I don't steal (in fact, the opposite always happens), I don't intentionally hurt others (or so I think) and most importantly, I don't think I'm bad. Although I am not perfect. Sure, I don't listen to my parents most of the time (but I really want to justify that how my parents make me feel is also wrong), I am vengeful (I don't do you harm in a long term), I keep grudges (but I don't take them out on people), and I don't welcome other people's principles (is it wrong to have my own?). My point is, I really don't know what I did to deserve what happens to me. What did I do so wrong, that trouble comes after me wave after wave?

They always tell me to be strong, to always believe that better things have yet to come. But how strong can one person be? I feel like I've been forced to swim, without the chance to come up to the surface to take a breath. Of course I'd get tired easily! I do try to solve my own problems. I try to solve them as fast as I can with hope that I'd get a bit of breathing space before the next wave of trouble comes in. But NO! What ever that is causing the world to spin won't let me. What are these ramblings all about? Let me tell you now:

I'm sure you already know that I'm going to have my dental surgery done soon by now. And my scheduled consultation appointment is on 11th of August. Yes, I dread what the dentist has to say, and I dread having to go for operation. Even though I dread these things, I eventually get them done, EVENTUALLY. But guess what? Yesterday night, after my parents sent me healing 'energy', pressure started building up in my ears. I called my parents and they told me that Reiki has a reverse healing process.

And so, I waited for the pressure to subside.
It didn't.
I waited some more.
It started to hurt.
It hurt so bad I thought it was going to pop and release the pressure soon.
It DIDN'T.
I drank water, saliva, jumped about, did anything to release the pressure.
It DIDN'T go away.
Beau heated up water for me to inhale steam from.
Pressure went down a bit but was still there.
I waited.
Tried to sleep it off.
I felt an excruciating pain in my right ear as if something was trying to get born from my ears.
It popped. It felt like a little balloon in my ear that grew bigger and bigger and finally POPPED!
The growing pressure was painful enough.
But the pop was the worst.
Not only did it pop once, but a few times. All equally painful, if not more.
I finally managed to force myself to sleep.
Something told me to sleep on my right side, on my hand.
An hour later, I woke up to find coagulated blood on my palms.
You get my point.
It was thick with mucus and blood and wax.
I forced myself to sleep again.

I was already sick from Wednesday night onwards. I thought it was getting better. I was so HAPPY. But no! Things just HAVE to get worse. And by far, this is the worse ever. I was out at Midvalley's when my eyes started tearing. At first, I thought it was just because I didn't have enough sleep. Later on, I realized that the tears were not really tears but mucus spilling out of my tear glands. How fucked up is that? I went to the doctor, and he calmly told me that my ear drum has burst. It was as if he saw such things everyday! In my common sense, burst ear drum = DEAF. And he was acting so calmly! I mean, hello??!! I'm partially temporarily (I'll explain later) deaf in one ear! He said that I had to put ear drops to clear up the infection and then, if I wanted to (WTF! This is my hearing we're talking about!), I can go for operation to stitch it back together. Please, put myself in my shoes, and tell me how you'd have feel if you were in my shoes. I have not cried a single tear, although my face does show that I'm worried. How is that not being strong? I told my mum and she was LITERALLY speechless (speechless for my mum is a big thing).

How is it that I'm NOT supposed to make my parents worry? I don't mean to make them worry. Sometimes they just worry on their own, for unnecessary things. But of course, I don't mean that worrying for a burst ear drum is unnecessary. But, these are things I can't control. If you said that I poked a needle into my ear and broke the drum, then it's my fault. But my ear drum broke because of the pressure built up in the Eustachian tube! I couldn't possibly control that. I don't understand how parents can blame us for everything even things we can't control. I didn't ask to get sick and I certainly didn't ask for my ear drum to burst. Why am I still getting scolded for it? I don't understand. The only bright side is my mum can not scream at me, at least for now. Some how, I feel like it is connected to her screaming. She SCREAMS on the phone. It literally hurts my ears. And when I put it on loud speaker, it gets LOUDER.

My dad came up with this idea that if I don't get it done quick, the skin of the ear drum would shrivel and thus, I won't be able to hear properly. So I'm going back to get it done soon, and I just hope and wish they'd give me general anesthetic and wake me up only when the pain is gone. Hopefully, they'd do my tooth too. Then it'd save me the trouble of going under the knife several times.

The irony is that I've always thought I'd be knife-free for at least half of my life, if not a third. I admit I'm afraid of needles, knifes, scalpels and anything cold, hard, sharp and made out of steel. Who can blame me? I try my best to keep myself knife-free. I remember how my auntie had to go get the liquid sucked out of the Eustachian tube when I was young, and how she told me how she got it stuck. Ever since then, I always took precaution with my nose. But NO! Life just has to prove it's a bitch and make all my nightmares come through. My tooth decided to grow sideways, and now my ear drum decided to burst. I think I'm considered partially TEMPORARILY deaf now. So yes, I'm a quarter deaf. Don't make fun of it because it's not funny and I won't spare you the benefit of the doubt or laugh. So don't even bother trying.

I know I don't take extremely good care of my health, but I do average! I see other people taking drugs and smoking away and are as fit as a fiddle. How is this fair? Another thing is the doctor actually warned me about high-blood pressure today. HOW NOT TO GET HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?Always under pressure, no rest, always stress, no solutions, always thinking and even then also things still go wrong.

They say failing to plan is planning to fail. I say it's bullshit. Everytime I plan, see what happens. Tell me how to be happy. Teach me the secret to becoming happy. I believe that people who smile in the face of trouble have already grown immune to it, or they've already gone crazy. I've not yet mastered that art, unless you're talking about fake smiles which I put on to show everybody that I'm okay. No, I'm NOT okay. So please don't ask the obvious. How can someone who's had their ear drum burst be okay? Let me burst your ear drum and see if it's okay with you. And don't tell me that there are other people who have had worse luck then me. I will tell you that the ratio of those people to the people who live their lives with shit NOT coming in wave after wave are at least three folds.

They tell me that I have to suffer now to reap the sweetness of my suffering later. How long more must I suffer? They also say that you reap what you sow. What did I sow to reap this? Answer me now. Is it hard to be me? Or is it just hard to feel how hard it is to be me? You don't go through shit like I do. You don't get your feelings manipulated by your own family. You don't know how hard it is to finally realize and stand up to what they've been doing to you. You don't know what it feels like to have your own family use you. You don't know how it is to have to smile to people who back-stab you. You don't know how it feels to have to be nice to people who pretend to be nice to you but are actually giving you a hell lot of problems. You can tell me fuck the world.
But can you do it?