I am Jane in cold sweat

In about one and a half hours time, my fellow torturer for at least another year, the Association of Chartered Certified Accountant, aka the Association of Coffee and Chipsmore Addicts, more commonly known among us suffering and dying students as Asylum of Cuckoo and Crazy Accountants, will start dispatching our June 2008 results via e-mail. I shall cut my long winded-ness today because I actually have like three more articles to do but my heart has been pounding like crazy ever since Michelle and the whole world decided to come and tell me that they are so nervous and stuff. February's experience was a bad one, but then again, according to Feng Shui, stars and moon, palmistry and what-not, the lunar 2007 was a bad year for me. Honestly, a good year for me would really is one which involves very few tears. So, please tell me if I'm a demanding person when it comes to that. I have evolved a lot over the years, from a person who would fret over every single detail, to a minimalist who hopes and prays for a smooth path. I do not ask for much, I only ask that I pass. Why?
Let me tell you who I am today. I am an average student, who doesn't and can't really bother about what's cool, what's in and popularity. Note the word average. I used to fight to be in the top positions in school, but today, I'm fighting for survival. I only have myself to blame for this. For choosing a course well-known to slay many in its path, and to handsomely (via torture) reward those who succeed. I have evolved from a social butterfly who believes in making the best of my time by partying and socializing to your average Jane who attends class religiously
and doesn't bother if anyone's sitting beside me. That, is a major step for me itself. I used to give in to that dreaded feeling of not wanting to attend class and sleep in, but nowadays, I attend every single class I can, save for the medical leaves, and more unbelievably try to pay attention to the lecturer. I still believe in self-studying and self-learning, but even more so now. From a person who sits and does nothing the whole day except whine about how I hate my life, I have learnt to live with life, only complaining as a medium to express my dissatisfaction of how life treats me. I actually sit and study, and actually plan out my studies, which has always been a rare thing for me. Surprising to me, I actually find it very soothing and comforting, especially during this time of the semester. At least it takes my mind of the agony, save for when unknown sources play the role of devil flying around my head making me nervous. I literally have butterflies in my stomach and I'm still confused as to how I feel. More so, I'm even more confused about how I'm going to face tomorrow. I keep picturing the results finally appearing in my inbox, but it really just stops there. I don't know how to open it, and I'm still unsure if I want to open it myself, let my mother open it, or my beau. Even if they open it, do I want to hear it and if so, when would I want to hear it? How would I want them to break the news to me. So many questions, so little time, now it's down to one hour. I do hope I will be one of the first to receive my results. At least then I can sleep it over, or so I think.

I've thought myself over, I dreamt about my results coming out (just like how I dreamt about it during my first semester), and I've turned over a new leave. I actually study in the LRT because I know that if I bring a book together with me, the LRT would be boring enough to actually make me study, although I still don't mind sitting and staring into the sky for one hour or even smelling people's9-to-5-job sweat when they hold the rail, not that I'm given a choice not to. Early this semester I promised myself that I would not torture myself any more than I have to by not staying in this place and in this state any longer than I have to as well as studying way before the exam to save myself from all the agony that I'm facing now. If all goes well today, I foresee myself very relaxed next semester when the results are due, knowing for sure that I've passed, only waiting for confirmation. Many people have said and not only wish for me to pass all my papers. I hope it is a sign that I will. Yes, I'm looking for signs. I'm that desperate. Hey, believers look for signs too, okay? Why can't I? All I wish for, is that I will be given a chance to start clean, on a fresh sheet of paper, with no traces what-so-ever of my past. Let me start clean and not have my past lingering about my head while I do it. That is all I ask. Needless to say, I feel myself changing, but will God give me a conducive environment to do so? I can only pray. I don't want to be the same person I was last semester. Some things don't change, but now, I'm willing to break even the most history-long of my habits. Will they give me a chance? Can someone just lie and send me an e-mail saying I've passed all my papers so that I can sleep peacefully?