- Early morning, one hour before I was supposed to leave, the usual *BANG BANG BANG "GET UP!!! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE...YACK YACK YACK..YAP YAP YAP...BLA BLA BLA!!". I woke up only to find that I was an hour early. Nonetheless, seeing that I was already up, although still blurry, I was driven to the famously expensive Taiping Medical Centre, to see my old ENT, Dr. Lee, who is also my previous debate advisor's husband. Lucky me, there was no line and so, I was fortunate enough to skip the agony and anticipation of what he was going to do to me.
- I entered, explained my situation, and was told to lie on the examination table so that he could probe into my ear(s). At that very moment, it just dawned to me that I should show him the medications I have been taking before seeing him. And you know what major shock I had? Here comes the eerie part:
- The medication that Dr. Ko Ko Gyi (I am very fascinated by his name, and his personality, and once decided to google him, only to find out he was from Myanmar, to which I related to the beau who responded with "Who cares where his from as long as he's good?", and here's the irony: He isn't as good as how his personality portrays him) prescribed was basic cheap stuff, usually dispensed by GOVERNMENT hospital, which caused many patients to be PRONE to allergies they have never had before. What's worse is that the ear drop and the eye drops he had prescribed to me and my beau before have caused fatalities as well as blindness, deafness and extensive swelling to MANY other hospital patients before. And as a warning, PLEASE please try to avoid drops from this company called NICOL and if any other drops or antibiotics make you feel uncomfortable, it's a sign that it's not working. So, do consult your doctors if you have anything like that. (yeah, Jane's doing community service today, google the stories if you don't believe me)
- After probing around in my ear, spraying water and sucking all the blood clot as well as puss out (my dad had to press my head down to stop my reflexes), he decided to check my other ear as well. I even got to see the insides of my ear through a scope! I have a perfectly TRANSPARENT ear drum, which means that it is functioning PROPERLY, or so I think.
- Next, just for extra precaution, he decided to test my hearing, and to both my father and my dismay, there WAS something wrong with my ears. And being my dad, he agreed to some expensive test to check the objectivity of my hearing. Sounds wrong, but I don't know how else to put it.
- And so, I was probed once again. This time, the doctors stuck some tubes into my ears to check the pressure. Turns out I was telling the truth. There was something wrong with BOTH ears. The pressure was much too low, hence the over-sensitive hearing as well as muffled sounds. My dad went for the quick fix (I totally didn't agree with it, but I was pinned to the examination table once again). The doctor said that I would only feel a 'pin-prick' and that was LITERALLY how I felt because he stuck a needle into my ear drums!
- Now, my ear drums are really burst. What an irony. After which there was not much difference, only that I felt my head much more balance. But then again, I think the pressure is back because I now cannot keep my balance and feel very light headed very often.
If you're wondering why I can confront people, but NOT the scalpel, let's just say that I have had many bad experiences with needles, knives and such. You can't blame me. Seriously. I still have the scar to show it. When I was 11, the doctor who gave me my BCG shot underestimated the length of the needle and poked it in through one side, only to find it coming out the at the back of my shoulder. Hence, I have a green dot (where the needle went in), and a really huge BCG (where the needle came out). I also went through a bloody long high-fever period for that stupid BCG. That's needles. Don't even ask me about knives. Basically, I have medi-phobia. I get weak in the knees when I enter hospitals. And yes, I do admit it. I think I'd probably wouldn't be able to sleep unless they gave me sleeping pills if I ever had to stay overnight in a hospital.
By the way, I'm not going to skip complaining about my mum even now. Right after ordeal with Dr. Lee, she came to pick me up. The thing with my mum is that she cannot speak properly. Everytime she opens her mouth, she starts scolding. Literally. EG:
- " So? This time what's wrong with you?" in a very sarcastic manner.
- " Sit properly lar! Why must you sit like that?"
- " Wake up now or I'm going to lock your room. Then you can sleep the whole day"
"After seeing the expensive doctor, now you know what's wrong with you lar!"There you have it, my mother's classic answer to everything. That she has to pay for my mistakes. This, I have avoided for the past two years. How? By paying for my own mistakes. Yes, I pay for my own mistakes, no matter how costly, and that's why I crave financial independence. It might cut into my study time, working part time, but I rather pay for my own mistakes rather than let her have the benefit of using that against me. My dad, on the other hand, is willing to fork out money, if it means giving me the best. Some of these mistakes are not all my fault. They are mostly due to bad luck. Yes, luck isn't always on my side when it comes to this, but I have, all these while, paid my way out of my own trouble. THIS my mother doesn't realise and thus, not appreciate. Funny how when it comes to my brother money is never enough for him. Funny! There are times when they cut me off for his sake. Like me getting scolded for him needing more money because his own funds ran out. I still remember how he stole from me and I will remember it till the day I die. I swear I tell you, there is no fairness in this. I do not ask to be sickly, and if they so refuse to pay for it, they can't blame me for looking for alternatives. They wonder why I age so quickly. How can I not, when I have to deal with my own things, myself as well as still get the scolding I DON'T thoroughly deserve? Where is the fairness in this? Just because they spoil him doesn't mean that I must pay and age faster than I should.
"There was nothing wrong with me. Why do you have to talk as if you want to fight?"
"Because you don't listen."
"Well, if you stopped scolding me everytime you open you mouth, may be I would,"
(crescendo)
"Why can't I scold you?"
"Because not everything is my fault and I can't control everything. I can't control the weather, and I can't control the pressure in my ears. I can't control external factors. (In my head, I was thinking, if I could, I'd control you, first thing)."
"Yes, but you not listening to me is what makes you sick in the first place."
"If you haven't noticed, I have been falling ill easily for the past 19 years."
"Yes, I know. Because you don't listen to me!"
"What else do you want me to do? It's not like I pray everyday for me to get sick!"
"Yea, but you always drink iced-water! And even then, you still don't take enough water!"
"If you don't notice, I finish a whole container of water in two days nowadays."
"Then why are you still getting sick?"
"I don't know! I told you I can't control external factors! What do you want me to do? Not go to college when my classmate is having flu?"
"See! Why is it you don't want to go to college?"
"I didn't mean that! I just gave you an example! Why do you always have to find fault with me?"
"Because you don't listen and you always waste your time"
"Yea, everything is always my fault, never yours. You're always right, never wrong."
"When have I been wrong?"
"Well, you're human too. Unless you're a robot or God, then you still have flaws"
"I don't need to apologize to anyone because everytime you make a mistake, I have to literally pay for it!"
If this is the game she wants to play, and that's how I will play her game. This is how she brought me up, and this is how I will be. Mum, you taught me well. Well enough to use what you've taught me over the years to use back against you. How you treat me, I will treat you as well. I may not be able to reject or deny you completely, but I will remember how unfair you were, and unfair I will be to you. I know Dad and I have our differences and I know we are fixed in our own ways. What we do have in common is our need to have the best, and the best I will give to him. For all the money he has splurged to give me the best, I will do the same for him. As for you, it will always be about money. Bro can have you. You have always been his favourite and he, undeniably yours. You can live together 'happily' for all I care. I have had enough of having to look and attend to your attitude. You are right. When I have the buying power, I will not have to answer to anyone, not even you. That day is coming, and it's coming fast. You have always told me that when I start to have power in my hands, I will have to answer to no one, but they will have to answer to me. The world is spinning. What goes around, comes around. One day, you will have to answer to me, not the other way around. And I patiently wait for that day to taste the sweetness of it. You cannot blame me for working, I have done nothing to deserve your scolding. I am merely using my spare brain capacity to earn me money and I find nothing wrong in that as it doesn't drain any physical activity. I've found many loop holes in your rules, and I've used them well. This is what you've taught me, this is what you've made me crave for, and even though it is way beyond my time, I am slowly achieving it, in fact, way faster than I thought I would.
To the rest of the world, don't judge me if you're not in my shoes. I don't believe in empathy unless you have the exact same mother as I do. Even so, you wouldn't have the same emotions and conclusions I do. I am not ungrateful, believe me. I am VERY grateful. But as they say, what you sow, you shall reap. Why should our parents be an exception to this rule? They are not always right and I will prove to the world that they aren't. What's wrong with that? I am human, they are human. My dad understands that, my mother doesn't. My dad may be arrogant because he is stuck in his ways. I am just the same. But we admit we are wrong when we know we are. But she doesn't (read: Lois, Malcolm's mum in Malcolm in the Middle).
I write this blog, purely for self-purposes, to remind me of the injustice I have faced and put through, to remind me how I have been made to feel. This feelings are inflicted on me against my own will. I'll tell you how. My mother is cunning, but I see through her. She uses sentences and says things in front of me for a reason. She doesn't simply say things in front of people for no reason. There is always an intention behind and I know them well enough. This is an example, she said this right after my aunt got married again, and she purposely waited till I was insight before saying this, if you're smart enough, you'd know her intentions:
"What's wrong with her getting married again? She's still young. You can't expect her to live a widow's lonely life for the rest of her life! Which mother would want that? Of course, she has a daughter and a son (note the similarities in my mum's life), and of course, you can't stay with your son. Which daughter-in-law would happily take you in? The only person you can count on would be your daughter (see the implication?), that is, if your daughter is good (SEE THE IMPLICATION?), if your daughter isn't good, then who's going to take you in? Where are you going to stay? What to do, later on in life, you have to look at your children's attitudes(IF YOU KNOW THAT THEN WHY DO YOU TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DO?). Your son will definitely listen to his wife (then why do you insist on pampering him still? What good will it bring you? Mum, I know you better than yourself. You only do things if you will benefit from it later, which is why I don't want to take any more money than I have to from you. I don't want to be any more indebted to you than I have to). Haiz, being a mother is so hard. You raise your children up (unfairly), and then you still have to attend to their attitude."My mum's exact words. I will remember them clear and well. My mum has a way of twisting her words. There was once, she twisted how she made me stop electone classes into how I wanted to stop electone classes. I have my brother as a witness, but she still insists till today that I was the one who wanted to stop. And so, I shall save myself an archive of all her exact words. What you sow, you shall reap. If it's not done by karma, then let it be human-made. Human being me.
p/s: My stupid monkey stupid childhood friend has officially left Malaysian land. She forgot to tell me. Monkey..you're going to die when you come home. This is by far, my longest blog (Blogspot got no more space for me to type anymore.SERIOUS), but Hem is sitting beside me in Prima, throwing rocks into my river of thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment