I am Jane, still doing everything except studying

Hello! I'm back again for the second time today, or at least in Jane's time zone. When I wrote the first blog, I was still free of worries (except for coming exams) and was busy blending everything I could think of. Later in the evening, my friend who DOESN'T stay under the hostel management told me that she heard rumours of rent PER PERSON increasing again. And so, as if this was a window of opportunity, I decided to ask around and find out that it WAS true and that a notice had already been issued. My speculation was right. Condo's new rate would be RM650 for twin sharing (outrageous, no?) while penthouse would be RM600. Others do not apply to me. As if their current and in fact, PREVIOUS rate was not high enough. Do they seriously think that our parents print money, or do they want to force us to leave just so that they can accommodate to students whose parents DO print money?Even so, how many students have parents who do print money? Sheer madness. Maybe there will come a day when nobody will even want to step foot in this place. As it is, they have ridiculous rules which hinder us from bringing anyone in except our parents (this includes simblings too). Which is really not logical. For one, any dirty old man can pose as someone's father (yes, they don't bother checking or even questioning if you look old, they just let you walk right in) and come in, rape somebody else's daughter and walk out. On the other hand, if you're an 8-year old, and you have a brother living in the hostel, you are suspicious because they think you can rape 18-22 year-old guys or even intend to steal things from their units. Madness! The reason why they want us out is so that they can check in new students, especially foreigners. For one, new students would mean new fees, extra incremental unnecessary charging for rubbish and students who are more ready to comply with existing rules instead of those who have been staying around and have a higher tendency of breaking the non-sensical rules. If they were to say that my term is over, I'd gladly leave. However, that just isn't the case. Although now that the price is so unreasonably high, I do stand a better chance of convincing my mother. My father agrees with me, although he's still not convinced by my driving skills. My mum has recently gone missing with her friends and will be back on Friday. The reason why I want to move is because I get very agitated when people misuse my things. And I like to keep to myself. There's really nothing wrong with my roommate; at least she keeps to herself and I keep to mine. But I would really enjoy the privacy of being ALONE and being able to sleep naked (Lol. For illustration purposes only. I DO NOT SLEEP NAKED!). Further more, I'd be able to on and off the light as well as adjust the air-cond temperature to my liking. Not that I'm not allowed to do it here, but at least I have more freedom. The thing is, my mother doesn't trust me with freedom anymore. If she could, I bet she'd put a CCTV over my head so that she can see wherever I'm going and whatever I'm doing. She claims that she cannot be bothered anymore, but the fact is she's a control freak, for life. Control freaks don't just let go, they never do. Face it. It's undeniable. Seriously, if she could she'd control everything in my and my brother's life, if she could. As for my brother, he lets her control everything, so much so that she doesn't find it challenging anymore and so-call doesn't wish to control anything anymore. But for me, of course, NOT letting her take control of me makes controlling me so much more challenging and exciting. It's just like telling the kid not to play with fire. The more you tell him not to, the more he wants to. It's vice versa for both of us. In the sense that the more she wants to control me, the more I won't let her; the more I won't let her, the more she wants to. It's a vicious perpetual cycle. The only way to break this cycle is by avoiding her. And by that, I mean staying FAR AWAY (literally and figuratively) from her. It's not like I don't enjoy my mother's company at all. I do, when I haven't seen her for a long time. It's like they say, absence makes the heart fonder. I'm sure not seeing me for a long time makes her miss me as well (G would say that I'm just trying to make myself feel better). I think if I were to make a survey, it'd be almost scientifically proven that the longer I stay away her, the longer it takes before she starts screaming when I see her. All things vice versa. And with that, is it wrong to conclude that we both need our own space? It's not wrong isn't it? Because by not seeing each other, we tend to get on each other's nerves less. But of course she'd deny it since she's traditional and she always plays the "I'm Your Mother" card.

So, my current foreseeable options are:

1. Apartment is a big no-no since it's dirty and it'd be full anyway since everybody (especially those who saw the notice earlier) would have queued up to switch over. I think I'd probably go insane if I had to stay there. *Please please PLEASEE don't let me resort to this.
   
2. Indah Villa looks like a drug addict joint and it's not safe to walk from there. On the other hand, it is also ridiculous to drive a car from there to college since it's quite near.
3. Palmville perhaps? But I found out that it's just as expensive as the condo. Plus, not all units are nicely furnished and of course you have to pay extra for the better furnished ones.
4. SLV where I'm staying is also a big no-no since its occupancy would be also full to the brim because a small single room here costs RM600 which is cheaper than what you pay for a double sharing room PER PERSON. Let's just put it this way, a lot of people agree that privacy is priceless and is even more important than space per se.
5. Angeline and her boyfriend. After all, she is doing the same course as me and my mother would definitely ask about this. But the thing is she stays in SS 18 and staying with her would mean that my parents would expect me to hitch a ride from her instead of letting me drive, which would be inconvenient for the both of us.
6. Wait for Kuan to come back next semester and move in with her, wherever that is. But then again, with the price hike, will she even come back? Not all parents are the same as mine. Mine would "sacrifice" for me, but never fail to remind me that I'm the cause of their sacrifice (but I gave them other better alternatives which they rejected, so it isn't really my fault right?).
7. I want to move to Kota Damansara, specifically Palm Spring. I don't know why. The first time I saw it, I felt an affinity towards it. Plus, they have security guards who actually BOTHER to look at who goes in and out and do you know they have NINE swimming pools?? Plus the rent there is way cheaper than here, and it's a nice quiet, up-coming area. Although the traffic jam (which is avoidable) is horrible there. Other than that, it's near The Curve (hey, don't judge me. Pyramid is right in front of me, okay? Having The Curve nearer to me won't mean that I'll be going there everyday. Although did I mention that this week alone, I've gone to Pyramid five times in a row?) and PLUS highway. I don't think travelling would be a problem. Since I won't be having classes everyday anyway (which makes my staying here even more unreasonable, if you calculate transport and everything). Plus, I'd have a better variety of F.O.O.D. There are a million and one reasons why I want to move there (which includes the fact that KPMG's new office is around that area). And my mother wanted to buy a house here. But seeing the current instability, I don't really think it's a good idea. Further more, I plan NOT to stay in this country. I'm all for change and adaptation.

The other underlying problem is my mother's reaction when she comes to know about this. The last time I told her that I wanted to move, not only did I get a shocking surprise, but I got a great big nagging as a main dish. My mother never forgot what I wrote in 2006. I haven't. But I choose to keep mums about it. Because it was a painful experience for me. I have learnt my lesson and I have moved on. But to my mum, I'm still that same naive stupid girl who let people take advantage of me. Wait until she sees what a cut-throat bitch I can be. I've moved on, she hasn't. And that's the biggest problem I have right now. She just refuses to believe that I've grown up. I don't know how I can show her. Everytime I think about it, I feel like Waverly Jong from Amy Tan's "The JoyLuck Club". I can relate to her exact words. Waverly Jong also plays a corporate bitch in that book. And even though she can stand up to as well as face anything and any one, her mother still remains the only person who can make her cry with just one sentence, or rather, the lack of it. This is the most important lesson I will have to learn in my life. I've learnt how to stand up to my mother, but I have to learn not to let her manipulate my feelings as well as to keep myself composed after hearing whatever she hurls at me. And when I succeed in doing that, I'd know that I've won the war against her. Lillian Too once said in her fortune book that for a person of my birth date, I should stay away from family because even though they mean good, they will be the source of my obstacles. They will be the ones who hinder me from being better and greater than I am. They will be the one who will stop me from realising my full potential as well as from enjoying life's benefits. And I for one, will not let that happen. I am unwilling to let someone get in my way. I refuse to let myself be lesser than what I can be because of somebody else. It's so unfair that somebody will have such a great influence on my fate and I refuse to let that happen. And so, my mother is now my greatest enemy in life, after ACCA, so to speak. I know her reaction when she finds out about what I say. All the self-pity will come out and I will be made to feel bad. And don't you think that she is my biggest obstacle? Can I use self pity against her? Most definitely not because she feels that she is not to be blamed for what ever happens in my life, even if it really is her fault. Simply put, my mother makes decisions for me of which I have to bear the consequences while she feels no remorse at all. Oh, mother, what will I do with you, and what will I be able to do without you (pun intended)?

What I'm facing right now, is exactly the same as our country's political situation right now (I must add that all these politics are really becoming a big distraction to me); uncertain. Anything can happen. We really don't know who is good and who is bad. They say a change is coming, but how certain are you that the change will be one for the better? I do agree that the current situation is going no where else but down hill, but it doesn't mean that the other side will be able to bring it up again. Let's not forget that together with the people who are sick of being mistreated are the people who have been pampered all their lives. They've been given fish for their whole life that when asked to fish all of a sudden, they just refuse to do so and still wait for fish to fall on to their lap. I must add that I am of unsound mind and that these are just my two cents and non-sense, since they're very fond of imprisoning bloggers nowadays. I side no one (except for LKS of which I'm a huge fan), not because I will only side the one with a better chance of winning, but because I don't trust both sides. Unless LKS were given a chance to be PM of which we all know is impossible given the current situation. I don't think I'm being unloyal to my country. I do love my country. I love the mixture of ethnicity, I love the scenery, heck I even love the fact that I can have friends of so many other races (which I find weird because I really do like mixing with other races rather than my own for some weird reason, and for that, should I be considered a traitor of my own race as my dad puts it?) but I don't like how things are done.
All my life, I've had to live and make do with what ever life throws at me; always having to find loopholes, alternatives, back-ups. So much so, I've become quite good at turning an unfavourable situation (such as the price hike), to work in my favour. I'm not afraid of change. The future doesn't scare me, although I don't really like the uncertainty. It's the past that haunts me. It wouldn't be that bad but having a mother like mine who constantly reminds you of your past mistakes is no help at all. Rather, it really is an obstacle because her reminder always puts fear into you. I'm a risk taker. I don't sit and wait for things to happen. I make things happen. And I hurl back whatever is thrown at me. That's the way I've been brought up and that's how I've survived. But my mother considers hurling back whatever she throws at me as disrespectful. But isn't throwing things like that at me disrespectful to me as well?

Long before I saw it on Lim Kit Siang's blog, I've already made up my mind that respect is something that cannot be demanded and it is not something that is in-born, but respect must be earned by each and every one of us. It is that same fateful thought that made him my hero. Because only a humble person who believes that no one is above the law will dare claim such a thing. I may appear as an arrogant person. But I don't really think I am. It's just something I have to put up just so people don't step all over me. The whole damsel in distress thing doesn't work for me at all. For me, it's always been every person for himself, sad to speak. But that doesn't mean I'm not compassionate. I am. I'd help out in any way I can. But if you betray my trust, then I won't even consider you at all. Fair enough?

I impatiently await the day I gain victory over my mother's tyranny. I would like to stress that I'm not an ungrateful child. This is just a war I have to win in order to gain my self confidence, as well as an obstacle I have to overcome on my way to self-realization.

I have only two hours to sleep before Sunil wakes me up to send Arvind and Brindha (they are literally inseparable in the sense that Arvind and Brindha always come together, figuratively and physically) off at KLIA. I still wonder why I can see beyond race while everybody still looks at colour. Aren't we all humans at the end of the day? That, coming from a girl who's terrified of black guys. Irony. I'm not being a hypocrite, okay? Don't judge me. I have my reasons.

P/s: I finally realised something comical. If I were Scrooge (not to say that I'm stingy) then my mother would be the Ghost of Christmas Past and my dad would be the Ghost of Christmas Future (not that I'm calling my parents ghost or hoping that they'd die (touch wood), but it's just a figure of speech. Ah! I'm going to bed for good. Promise I'll study tomorrow.