I am Jane yoyo-ing

Woke up feeling dreadful,

Managed to push it all out by noon.

Psyched myself up by evening,

came home only to be kicked hard in the ass.

Fell right down into a place that somewhat felt like hell,

Read an e-mail,

Bounce right back up.

I know what I want.

You all just don't give me the space to execute it.

Let me grow.

Stop smothering me.

On a side note, I'm so vengeful that I haven't forgiven my uncle.

Don't think I ever will.

I'm still so angry.

So angry that I refuse to attend my cousin's wedding.

Bite me.

He decided to put my life in danger everyday.

I think I'm not obligated to 'give him any face'.

I am Jane's stupidity

At the risk of sounding arrogant,

I know I'm intelligent.

And I know I knowingly do stupid things sometimes.

Bite me.

I don't feel like I need to explain my stupidity.

Find your own Stupid.

This one's mine.

I am Jane, trust me

I never forgive.

And I definitely never forget.

I'm vengeful.

Whatever.

I am Jane's new level of low

It's been so long since I've had a self-actualizing moment.

I miss them.

Days when I finally see through the whole layer of dust after digging deep into the unknown.

Days when things weren't exactly alright, but it made sense.

I know I have a lot to write down,

but I really can't get it out in words.

The emotions,

the feelings,

the pain,

the doubt.

Sorry I missed out week two, three and I suppose, four.

As you can tell, it has been hell for me.

Worst of all,

I have no emotional support now whatsoever.

Just pieces of strings dangling around.

Every one I pull risks not being a secure one.

Heck, to find one that's firmly tied is next to impossible now.

All I can say is I'm not at peace with myself.

As Ezra says, I have no direction.

I kind of lost it when I achieved the first one.

Nothing got me as motivated.

Now everybody tells me that I know what I want,

I know where I want to be,

It's just at the back of my head.

But the thing is,

even I can't bring it out!

Even my blog sucks now..

I used to have depth.

So much that I didn't need width..

Now, all I have is shallowness and emptiness.

Basically..

I suck..

I am Jane

All I want to say is....



FUCK MY LIFE

I am Jane's First Week

This week went by pretty quickly.

It was okay at the beginning,

and then if ended pretty well.

I still have a few kinks to work out,

and I hope they all fall through.

At this point, I'm staying more for the intrinsic rewards

rather than the extrinsic rewards.

But we all know that intrinsic rewards doesn't put food in my stomach

and very importantly, clothes on my back.

At least for now.

I know some day in the future I will reap the investments.

And that's why I'm trying so hard to psyche myself into holding on.

Looking back, I actually have a job that I've always wanted.

Something out of the ordinary.

Something that will reward me in the future.

In a way, the train has slowed down a lot.

In another way, the train is heading towards another express lane.

I'm scared.

That I can openly admit.

Who wouldn't be?

But I really need to clear my head.

I need to set new goals.

Speaking of which, let me just add in that it's really over this time.

He can come suck my hypothetical balls.

I need to move on.

But I've also come to realise how lonely I am these days.

But he is no good.

I need someone better.

I deserve someone better.

But for now, that is not my main priority.

I'm trying very hard to throw myself into my work.

I like what I do.

For the simplest reason because there is no rigidity.

But at the same time, I hate how I'm taken advantage of.

I hate how I worry about next month

when I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this month.

I hate how I don't feel independent right now,

and I hate how I'm not doing anything about it,

I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate how I've become,

I hate how everyday I have to hope that it's just a phase.

I basically hate myself.

I don't like what I see,

I don't like what I hear,

I don't like what I say,

I don't like what I think,

I don't like what I know,

I don't like that I don't know,

I don't like that I feel like that.

I don't like that I'm not in control.

Please, God,

please put an end to all this childishness and please send me a catapult.

For years I've been saying the same thing.

I hate how everyone told me,

"You have so much potential in you,

you really must make a point to do something with it."

Nobody told me what my potential is.

Nobody pointed me the right direction.

But somehow, the stars, the sun, the moon, the planet and I collided,

this temporary job became a permanent one,

and there is this man who walks in,

doesn't tell me the same shit everyone tells me,

in between the stars, the sun, the moon and the planet he collided,

ever so willing to guide me,

opening up windows (and doors) of opportunities

I could have only dreamt of,

he doesn't tell me I have potential,

but he knows it,

and he knows that I know it.

The difference is he's making use of that potential.

And he is bringing me up as best as he can.

And I hate myself for not being able to see what he sees.

My one and only question is:

HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

By the way, I think I've found my perfect tattoo.

And I'm so glad that it will finally mean something,

not just my unexplainable fondness for the beach.

But if I'm getting a tattoo, I want it to be my own drawing.

So I'm thinking of the last three elements only

What do you think?

I am Jane's Statement of Financial Position

The problem with decisions is that they stem from choices.

The problem with choices is that sometimes you have to forego other choices.

The problem with foregoing other choices is that you miss out on other opportunities.

If you want, I could draw a tree diagram for you.

But it's all common sense, so I'm not going to belittle your intellect by doing so.

A year ago, I had a dream.

A year ago, I wanted to go places.

I wanted to take a break.

I wanted to give my brain a rest.

But Banum is right,

if I had taken up a job at operational level,

I would have drove myself up the wall.

Who knows, my IQ level would have dropped 100 notches.

As it is, I'm already becoming dumber thanks to the people I work(ed) with.

And then there is opportunity.

And then there is coincidence.

It was a coincidence that this was the only resort who was willing to hire me.

Like I said, I had an impressive CV.

So impressive that everybody else refused to hire me.

It was by mere chance that the HR manager showed the Financial Controller my CV.

But I never knew what he meant for me to do until I met him face-to-face.

For all I know, he is the only person who knows what ACCA is.

Call it pure coincidence, or maybe it is written in the stars.

My horoscope says that I am to have 'great career opportunities' this year.

And that I will meet a workplace mentor who will be able to spur me further.

Now, I've been screaming my whole life about how everybody goes "You have potential"

but never do anything about it.

And here comes a man, who is willing to give me all the opportunities in the world.

So much so that at this very moment, I am so very afraid that I will let him down.

In comes my confidence level.

I've been so beaten down my whole life that the ground I walk on seems wobbly.

I blame the people around me.

But I know for a fact that even if they do take the fault,

there is no one in this world but my own self who can help me rise up again.

Ms Jane,

You are inferior to none.

You yourself determine the level of authority you possess.

Show them who's boss and they will start respecting you.

Start acting like the personnel you should be and they will follow suit.

Tell me one thing that they have that you don't?

Statement of Financial Position as of 22 August 2010

Assets

Non Current Assets

Youth

Paper Qualifications

Creativity

Intellectual Property

Current Assets

Theoretical Knowledge

Partial Application of ACCA knowledge

Marital Status

Willingness to learn

Willingness to take criticism

Equities and Liabilities

Equities

Time

Freedom/ Willingness to travel

Non-Current Liabilities

Future Job Prospects

Current Liabilities

Low self-confidence

Poor health

Ability to handle idiots

As an accountant, I have to believe that my balance sheet will balance. But I would like to see a drastic increase in my 'assets' soon, and a corresponding increase in equities, not liabilities.

This started out as a temporary arrangement. But I believe that God has a plan. I want to believe that he put me here for a reason. I want to believe that I can do wonders here, no matter how impossible it may be. I pray he will give me the strength to persevere, I pray he will put in place the proper people who will be able to guide me.

I would say that I have had a narrow escape this last week. I wouldn't say that it was a terrible ordeal, but it definitely was an eye opener. I thank God that my boss here is very understanding. He is a man of great wisdom, and experience. I hope that he will be able to teach me great things. When I leave the company, I want to be three quarters the professional he is. I thank God that he is able to advice me both professionally and personally. I pray that he will continue to assist me in any way he can. I want so badly to learn.

I know that miracles don't happen overnight. I want so badly for this nightmare to end.

Thus, I hereby promise myself that I will make an effort so that at the end of the day, I will be able to look back and think "At least I tried". The company might not be the most ideal one, but the person in charge has his head screwed on properly. I want to learn from this great man. Hence, I give myself four weeks from Tuesday onwards to clean up my act here. I will make the best of this four weeks. I hope that by the end of this four weeks, I would have learnt something, we would have worked things out, and I would be able to go back there and start implementing them bit by bit. I hope that whoever the next general manager is, he'd be better than the last, and that all this problems we have had this year (which are not even related to me) will be smoothen out so that I won't have to deal with ridiculous things such as having to chase after housekeeping and laundry boys.

I am Jane's bad idea

This was a bad idea.

Please.

Seriously.

You thought you could do this whole sit still shit?

Oh God,

I'm beginning to doubt how much I know myself.

I hate you!!!

Why do you do this to me?

Now you've disappeared again.

I swear to God.

You intrigue me.

You intrigue the hell out of me.

I can't figure you out.

And it's bugging me.

I am Jane's Confusion

Are you calling because you care,

or are you calling because you have to?

Are you calling to see how I am,

or are you calling because you want to rub it in my face?

Heck, I don't know why I even give in to you and your whims!

Why do I even pick up your calls.

Why are you doing this to me?

Can you please cut the crap?

I've learnt my lesson.

You've made your point.

Can we now please go back to normal?

ARGHHH...I swear to God.

Even I hate myself now.

I hate how I'm acting and whining about you.

NO ONE messes with my head.

NO ONE makes me feel like that.

I don't want YOU to be the first one.

God, give me a sign.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I can solve this once and for all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc7W8Q-g9Lg

See I don't understand how you're number one

When it was just a fling before

Now you're the one.

Akulah Kenangan Terindah Jane

Ayang,

Arini sya terbyg tm ayg duk2 sblah sya.

Ayg sgt syg sya tm tu.

Sya x tau ke mana gi nya sume rasa kasih syg itu.

Mmg sya x dpt tpu dri.

Sya mmg rindukan ayg.

Rindu sgt2.

Bab ngan ayg, sya x perlu risau pape.

Sumenye ayg yg jaga.

Sumenye ayg yg tlg rasa marah tuk sya.

Dgn ayg, relax je.

Cam dunia ni x wujud.

Yg wujud hanya kitorg

Sya teringat ayg tibe2 pegang tgn sya,

belek sini belek sana.

Pastu tergelak sniri.

Rupa2nya ayg cari2 tahi lalat sya.

Org kita same hingga tahi lalat pon nak same gak.

Hairan tol.

Suke gile sye tgk ayg tersenyum lebar.

Ayg pernah janji nak kasi letak byk2 gambak kat facebook.

Bab ayg nak tgk sye happy.

Ayg tau sye happy bile tgk ayg senyum lebar2.

Bile tgk ayg senyum,

hati sye rasa sejuk je.

Rasa cam, sumenye pon leh lupe.

Sya x tau la ke mana gi nya sume janji2 ayg tu.

Sya masi x caya ayg kan tpu sya.

Sya tau, stiap kali ayg tpu sya tu tuk kebaikan sya gak,

tpi lambat laun ayg gitau gak sbab sbnarnye.

Tpi skrg, ntah la bape lame sye kena tunggu smpai ayg sudi gitau sya perkara sbnarnya.

Ape mulut ayg gitu manis hingga janji pon jdi cam benar?

Sya x caya, ayg.

Ade bezanya lau sorg to ckap tpu ngan ckap benar.

Sya x paham nape ayg x kasi sye chance tuk memahami ayg.

X tau la ayg.

Tm ayg ade,

ayg x kasi sye dengar lagu ni.

Bab ayg x mau sya jdi kenangan terindah.

Ayg x mau kite berpisah.

Skrg, jgnkan kenangan terindah.

Ayg nak lupekan sye,

lupekan segala2nye.

Tpi sya x leh.

N sya x sudi.

Biarlah ayg tiada di hidup sya.

Tpi sya tetap mau ayg jdi kenangan terindah lam idup sya.

Bkan krn apa.

Tpi bab sya x pernah rasakan hati yg gitu ikhlas pda sya.

Mungkin kita x kan berjumpe gi.

Tpi, ayg mmg lain.

N sya dah letih sgt.

Mungkin ayg syg sya gi.

Tpi ayg rasakan lebih baik kite x bersama.

Sya hormat keputusan ayg.

Ape leh sye wat.

Sye x nak paksa2 ayg gi.

Bab sya paham prangai ayg.

Biarlah ayg,

janji kmu x smpai benci sya.

Sya mengaku kalah.

Sya perlukan masa tuk sembuh.

Mungkin satu hari nti,

sya harap kita dpt berjumpa.

Ayg pernah janji nak trus trang ngan sya kan.

Tu sja yg akan sya minta tm tu.

Bab sya pon ade yg nak bertrus trang ngan ayg.

Ayg amik lah mase brapa lame pon tuk pikir.

Bab sya sniri pon nak pikir gak.

Slamat tinggal, syangku.

I am Jane today

Mornings are the worst.

I wake up,

knowing there is no message from you,

knowing that you haven't called,

knowing that I wasn't the first thing you thought about when you first woke up.

I try to drag waking up.

Because then I'd have less of the day to witness,

to sit and wait around.

I know I'm being childish.

But why shouldn't I?

I don't understand why I should be mature everytime.

Thinking about the positive instead of the negative.

Yeah, I want to drown in sorrow.

Well I'm just being realistic.

I want to face the problem.

I don't want to push it away,

put on a smile,

and pretend that everything's alright when it isn't.

I am addressing the problem.

I don't think I'm that bad a judge of character.

I met Jums a year ago.

I knew I wanted to know him better because I knew there was more to him.

And guess what?

I was right.

As fate would have had it,

we met again this year.

There was way more to him than I thought there was.

As for you.

I don't know.

Right now, every single song I listen to reminds me of you.

You and your promises.

This one,

I guess we were both playing with fire.

"I tried to believe every word of your sweet story,

but intuition keeps telling me

you're making a fool outta me"

Maybe this would have been more appropriate when we started fighting,

when you started drifting away.

You really thought that I wouldn't notice?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing means more than the truth

And the truth is that I realize love is fading from your eyes

Don't know how it came to this but we gonna get it fixed tonight

Coz nothing, nothing, nothing is worth losing you"

I don't know if I still feel that way,

but when I first read the lyrics,

it hit me bad.

Because we promised we'd tell each other the truth.

You and I, we both were tired and sick of the lies involved in a relationship.

Our relationship might not have been a healthy one,

but it was a very convenient one.

It worked there and then.

Maybe it wouldn't work next year.

But I don't understand why you got so afraid.

This is for now.

Your lies are really haunting me,

I know your eyes will give me answers to the why.

I don't know.

I don't believe any of your stories now.

Maybe by doing so,

I'll get even more hurt in the end,

if I find out that you have been telling me the truth all the time.

But right now,

I don't know.

Maybe we will have another shot.

But we both know that we never were for second shots.

Let's see how it goes.

I'm not giving you anymore of my ego.

You have had enough.

It's your turn now.

And oh, boy.

I know how to make you beg and plead.

"See the mirror in your eyes,

see the truth behind your lies,

your lies are haunting me.

See the reason in your eyes,

giving answer to the why,

your eyes are haunting me"

This is how you made me feel,

that's why we worked then.

We can still work.

Because everytime that you do call me,

I still hear how much you care for me in your voice.

You have anger,

you have jealousy,

and maybe you had too much of both.

But deep down inside,

I know that you can't forget me.

That is why you want to go cold turkey.

I don't understand why you can't be honest with me about it.

You know I'll help you.

You know that we'd be able to talk through this.

I guess I've learnt that,

and you haven't.

Maybe one day you will up and realise.

But it will be too late,

because I will no longer be waiting for you.

You are right,

if you didn't care,

you wouldn't bother to call me anymore.

You'd just switch numbers.

That is all I have hanging right now.

I won't push you anymore.

You take your time and think about it.

You take your time to realise that you miss me.

I just hope you won't be stupid enough to drown all that with other things.

Right now, I'm indifferent to your calls and messages.

Knowing that you still make an effort makes a difference.

It is not the substance of our calls anymore.

Come to your senses, boy.

I don't want to be a drama queen,

I just want you to see,

Everything I need.

I am Jane's decision

I think I'm going to leave you be.

I don't want to push you.

I have my own dignity.

And I know you understand me.

I've already given enough of my pride to you.

Maybe if we took a breather,

you'll come back.

I don't want to force you anymore.

Somewhere deep down inside

I know all this is not happening.

Then maybe you will come back.

And we can start a new game.

Remember,

it's only a game.

I am Jane's mood swing

I figured it all out.

I never would have guessed Sasha would have understood.

Maybe that's how she felt 2 years ago.

I don't know why I let you make me feel this way.

Something inside is telling me this isn't true.

I don't know which hurts more.

The reason for your lies,

or the lie itself.

I only want closure.

Seriously.

Right now,

my intuitions are telling me that it was all a lie.

What you don't know is that I'm lying to you too.

So let's see who gets the last laugh.

Yes, in that way you intrigue me.

Like I said, we have many things in common.

So it's much easier to gauge your actions than you think.

We could have been good together.

Imagine all the mind games we would play.

Right now, I only want to win this one.

I am Jane in the morning

I hate mornings.

Everybody knows that.

I hate waking up in the morning.

I hate the bright sunshine.

I hate the morning dew.

And now I have a new reason to hate mornings.

Everyday I wake up is like a torture.

Is today the day?

Will I finally snap out of it?

And the worst things is to find out that it feels like today is exactly the same as yesterday.

It feels like time is refusing to move.

What have you done to me?

I'm not myself.

I guess I shouldn't have played with fire.

I was in control of the fire.

But somewhere some how,

the fire spread to an unknown place.

And now I can't find it.

And of course, it's growing bigger and bigger by the day.

All I can do is hope that the area is airtight.

So that one day, the fire will run out of oxygen.

And die on its own.

I am Jane's Insanity

So I spent about a month moping, and brooding, and letting this person run my life and affect how I feel (no not my mum).

I swear.

I am my worst poison.

But I am also my own cure.

I really don't understand how I work.

One day I could feel like I wish the end of the world would come,

and the next I'd be like F*** you.

Right now, I'm trying very hard to maintain the latter.

I don't really have control over it.

Especially in the morning when I've just woken up.

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again.

But I want my phone back.

So I need that job.

And I need them to call me tomorrow.

I am Jane's possible twin

We didn't only share the same birthdate.

We had a lot in common.

We liked the same things,

we felt the same way.

We even mysteriously shared the same past,

with the same events occurring in a different sequence.

And we had moles in the same places.

I remember how you pointed them all out.

How we sat and compared moles.

And then laughed about it.

That was my fondest memory of you.

It was traditional.

And I for one am NOT traditional.

But it felt good to be traditional for once.

And I guess it was the wrong timing and everything,

but I actually wondered what was wrong with being traditional,

assuming traditional roles?

I'm not saying that we should conform,

but why bother fighting?

Half of the things I want to say will cause and uprage.

The other half will either want you to disown me or give me a good knocking.

I know all that.

I know the problem.

I know I shouldn't feel like this.

I know I should be grateful.

I know I should let go.

But I can't.

Something is telling me that there's more to it.

And I have no idea why I'm so fixated over it.

It has gotten to a point where it's so sick.

I for one, declared myself sick in the head.

I really thought I was going crazy, not in a good way.

I thought I was losing it.

I thought I was going eccentric.

Maybe I am.

But I need closure.

I want the truth.

That was the basis of our entire relationship.

That and our never-ending jealousy that fueled our passion.

I know I tend to over-analyse things.

If I could, I'd plot graphs and charts out.

I want to know.

Actually I do.

I know the one single problem that caused all this.

But you know the sad thing?

I have no control over that one single thing.

And if the man is right, that one single thing is here to stay for a long time.

What I don't get is why should I work my way AROUND this problem?

I mean I deserve the 50-80 years I have on this earth as much as she does.

So why should I spend 40-60 years NOT being satisfied

Not being happy

and always having to think of the problem?

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of person I really am.

Since that is the deciding factor,

and its absence will completely throw off all dynamics.

I want to know that person.

Because I don't like this person now.

It's not like I've never tried.

In fact, I've been trying too hard.

There are times when I make a point NOT to respond,

but at the end of the day, when something is over,

I come to realise that she was part of it, someway or another,

directly or indirectly.

I've been living like this for the past 20 years

so much so that it's embedded in me.

I do it unconsciously, and even if I make an effort to NOT do it consciously,

I somehow or rather manage to in the end.

You do realise that once she is gone, I might have nothing to live for anymore.

I don't want that at 60 years.

I want to be who I am now so that I can be contented with my self in 40 years.

I know my problem

I know the cause

I know why it affects me

I know how it affects me

I know what it can do to me

I know all this

What I don't know is how to overcome it.

Since my life kind of came in a package with it.

Wei Wei told me that people who believe in rebirth believe that you choose your own parents.

I wonder if I was high while I made that choice.

Again, I'm not saying that she does not love me.

I'm just saying that she loves me in a way that is detrimental to me.

She definitely can't see it.

Have you ever had to pretend to be happy in front of your mother?

I have.

In fact, I've always had to.

And I know that I will always have to.

This fact alone; that my own mother is insensitive to my feelings

that my own mother cannot be there for me when the world is against me

that my own mother tells me that I have to suck up to it when I'm feeling down and all alone.

Think of that.

And think of the person I am.

If I am able to deceive a person who has brought me up for 20 years.

Do you not think that I can deceive anyone about my feelings?

Heck, I'm so good, I can even deceive myself.

I only let you know, if I want to.

And there are times when I want to, and there's no one there.

Because everybody things that it is IMPOSSIBLE.

And that I have no such problems.

I'm so good, I don't know if I should congratulate myself.

If there was a Golden Globe awards at the end of the life, I'm pretty sure I'd be best actress and drama queen.

I am emotionally high maintenance.

And that was the one thing that we didn't have in common.

Maybe it was the age difference.

Other wise, we clicked fine.

And he used to make me all giddy and swirly inside.

I guess I let my guard down, thinking he was harmless.

And now...I've no idea why I feel this way.

I know I shouldn't.

I know I wouldn't.

I know I actually don't.

But I want to and I'm kind of allowing myself, more like making myself brood over it.

I want closure.

I want the truth.

I want to know that I was right.

Maybe its a pride thing.

But right now, to me.

I want to know that I made the right choice,

that I did not misjudge,

and that I am not that kind of person.

After all, we shared the same personality.

It was just so easy with him.

All I had to say was "Imagine if I did that to you".

Or "I'm pretty sure you know how I feel right now."

It was so easy.

And we actually did.

I don't know where it went wrong.

And like his favourite song says:

I've been a fool,

that I know,

didn't expect this is how things would go.

Maybe in time,

you'll change your mind,

now looking back

I wish I could rewind.

I don't regret a single bit.

I gained many realisations in these two months.

But I'm not ready to let go yet.

Not yet.

And I hope he changes his mind.

*****very heavily censored

I am Jane too depressed to blog

I am actually too depressed to blog...can you believe it?

I don't want to be a girl.

I don't want to be a boy either.

I want to be androgynous.

A-sexual if I may.

I don't want to worry about boys.

I don't want to worry about girls.

Hmm...I actually blogged.

I have no idea how to unload this heavy thoughts.

It doesn't really hurt.

But I feel unsatisfied.

I can't rest until I've known the truth.

I'm Jane and I'm NOT Fine without You

Is it a wonder I resist from you

I was the one who fell in this game

Then you took me away from you

Why did it have to happen now?

I'm not fine.

I don't know how to make myself fine.

I feel like dying and I have less than a week till my first paper.

I know you don't care about me anymore.

But your words,

they haunt me when I go to sleep.

The silence,

it haunts me when I wake up.

I am Jane's Maxim the Maxis Broadband

I swear to earth.

Bloody Maxis broadband was working fine the first week I got it,

which was also the trial period.

And then on the 8th day, it started running ONLY on EDGE network.

And yesterday when I decided that I will not go online until the 11th,

it starts to switch between WCDMA and HSPA...

All I want to say is **&%*&%*^!#@!#*&&^*&^*&%*&

You got that right!

All the wasted bandwidth!

I am Jane, dalam Bahasa Malaysia

Semenjak kebelakangan ini, saya banyak bertutur dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

Jangan tanya kenapa.

Tapi loghat saya sudah berubah.

Kalau dulu dok skolah habak cam oghang Peghak,

Pastu pindah Kay Ell, I speaking macam orang KL plak,

Nau, sudah bunyi entah camne bab campur2, masuk sume dalam mangkuk, gaul wat rojak je.

Sebenarnya, tahun dulu lagi saya sudah berhajat menulis satu entri dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

Tujuannya untuk mengenangkan cikgu tuisyen Bahasa Malaysia saya, Cikgu Ismail.

Entah kenapa, tiba-tiba saja terkenang dia semasa ronda-ronda di bandar.

Mungkin sebab dulu, dia banyak mendorong saya.

Ini saya cakap dari hati, bukan karangan semata-mata.

Saya rasa beliau tidak tahu impak beliau dalam hidup saya.

Sebab selepas habis SPM, selepas dia sudah lagi tidak mengajar saya, saya pun mula menjadi malas, sehingga hari ini.

Kalaulah boleh, memang saya inginkan dia jadi

cikgu saya selama-lamanya, supaya saya sentiasa tidak malas (bukan rajin, cuma tidak malas, faham?).

Kalau belum tahu lagi, saya ini memang degil orangnya.

Sudahlah degil, tidak suka dengar cakap lagi pula.

Saya ini pelik.

Sebab saya hanya dengar cakap orang yang saya suka, atau kalau orang itu betul-betul masuk akal. Yang lain itu, memang tidak hirau.

Sebab itulah saya sangat sayang pada cikgu itu.

Sebab dia itu 'no nonsense'.

Masalah saya sekarang ini, saya tiada motivasi untuk belajar.

Akan tetapi peperiksaan itu sudah mahu dekat.

Dalam otak saya, ingat mahu pergi bercuti dan melancong sahaja.

Tunggulah, dalam lebih kurang 30 hari lagi saya akan berada di sini:

Harap-haraplah kan. Sebab nanti ada pula orang yang pandai hendak menghalang.

p/s: Arini baru sye prasan yg dunia ni bulat. Tau x, lau org to pandai camne pon, akhir2nye kene tipu ngan org yg bodoh gak. Bab otak dorg lain2. So die x prasan lor bile kena tipu.

Hmm...celoteh je banyak. keje x siap2. Sok kena marah suami gi baru padan muke..hehehehe.. Dahla...tak nak online gi dah...tunggu 11June sya balik ok..

I am Jane, the Adult

I can't possibly recall the time when I wished this day would come.

A lot has changed.

I've grown

in maturity,

in years,

in size (groans).

I'm certainly no longer the youngest wherever I go.

Although, it was fun while it lasted.

In fact, I was always proud to be the youngest around.

And now I see these babies around me.

Makes me want to be their age again.

Shut up with the pedophile jokes.

I've received enough as it is.

Shabnam made up a new one, in fact: Coudophile.

Sounds cool, but really isn't.

At 21,

I now understand how age can catch up with you.

I understand why you need to take care of your skin (and your health).

I realise that nothing is forever, good or bad.

So here's to life,

here's to making it alive,

here's to waiting to turn ripe at 50.

For all the big fuss and all the waiting,

all I can say today is "So this is how it feels like."

with 'much' enthusiasm.

But then again, I never was a birthday person.

By the way, if you're wondering,

I didn't get a key from my mother.

It's not like I didn't ask.

She sternly refused.

I bet it's a psychological thing as well.

And I bet the day I was born she locked me up and threw away the key.

That, or she has misplaced the key, again.

My Birthday wish?

I want to be an ACCA Affiliate in August 2010.

So I can get on with my life.

I'm sick of this chapter already.

I need change.

And I hope the next chapter contains much more excitement and happiness than this one did.

Hey, contrary to popular believes I do not enjoy being depressed, okay?

And yes, I am working on my issues.

Hard at them, that is.

So don't say I'm not trying.

For this, I want to say thanks, Wei Wei, for the opportunity to do so.

I am Jane and I want to know

You thought me that telling lies is a bad habit.
Please tell me,
would you rather I lie to you that I love you,
or would you rather I tell you the truth that I hate you?

Someone please teach me how to be happy.
You think I enjoy feeling like that?

I am Jane, Pirated Copy and Original Version

I know, I know.
I have nothing else to talk about other than my mother.
These few days, I've been wondering,
we all know what happens to girls with daddy issues,
how about girls with mummy issues?
I've seen various versions.
They all point to one thing.
And I want so badly to get out of this vicious cycle that I've decided to put myself into again,
willingly.

On a side note, I feel like this is the beginning of 2006 again.
I can't remember if I wrote this down,
but about a year ago,
I began being not not unhappy.
Don't bother wondering why so many negatives.
I would say that most things in my life were going smoothly.
But that one person was slowly drifting away from my life.
I was in denial for about a year.
And then I decided to call it quits.
Now I'm the bad person.
But I really can't be bothered.
The same people who decided that I was a good person,
a kind soul who wouldn't hurt anyone,
a compassionate being who would rather be hurt than to see anyone else hurt.
They are now the same persons who think that I'm this crazy bitch who decided to walk away.
Truth is, I've been hurt enough.
And that's that.
I think I'm fine with it now.
Ignore me all you want.
I will find new people to surround myself with.

Speaking of which, after three years of abstinence (er, not what you're thinking about),
I decided to throw myself into the whirlpool again.
I was bored.
They were there.
And now, we are here.
But I can't handle this anymore.
I guess I don't have what it takes to be such a big bitch.
But in my head, I still want to carry on.
Tell me I'm crazy.

Back on track,
this huge question mark has been resting its weight on my head for this whole week.
We all know that whatever I do is never good enough for my parents.
And we all know that whatever I do, good or bad, always gets twisted into some form of devastation towards my parents.
And then I thought,
"If they already think that way about me,
what difference is it going to make if I actually do such things?"
It's like, if you think the apple is bad and you leave it there to rot,
it will eventually rot, right?
So let me rot.
Not like anyone cares.
I know I don't give a damn about what everyone else thinks about me.
I know I can live with whatever that I've done.
And if it means that I can have more fun, less restrictions,
since I'm already being labeled anyway,
why not?
It's not going to make any difference right?
Except that I actually did the deed that caused the label,
which makes the me worthy of that label.
Not that it wasn't there in the first place.

And so, my question is,
Why bother?

Don't give me that "you will be able to redeem yourself when they finally learn the truth" bullshit.
It doesn't work.
They've never stopped thinking of me like that.
I'm sorry I'm not this demure girl who sits with her legs neatly folded under the chair,
crown of my head shining against the sunlight,
sheepishly smiling with my head bowed down.
I am a modern-day woman.
A woman who has decided that if she is ever going to find a man,
the man must be worthy of her.
Not the other way around.
A woman who has decided that she will not let social stigma rule what she can and cannot achieve just because she is female.
So stop judging me!
It hurts to know that you of all people judge me for who I am NOT.

I am Jane Nearing The End

This is it.

This is good bye.

This is the end.

Or at least I hope so.

Given the things that have happened recently,

I'm really praying that it is.

Some of these people I might never see again,

some of these people I really want to meet again sometime later in life,

some of these people I want to keep in touch with,

and some of these people, I never want to see again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the good person.

I'm tired of always having to think ahead.

I'm tired of having to accommodate,

I'm tired of having to put someone else's feeling before my own.

And it hurts to know that the gestures are not appreciated,

let alone reciprocated.

Dear God,

I'm tired.
I've never given up even though I say I would,

I've never given up hope that there would be better things to come.

I've never given up hope that if I put in a little bit more effort,

and wait a little bit longer,

then everything would be alright.

And even if things weren't alright,

I still never gave up.

I fell many times,

but I picked myself up right after.

I'm not saying that I deserve an award,

or that I should be made a Saint.

I'm just asking that you give me,

time to recuperate,

time to sort myself out,

time to figure out my issues,

time to grow and mature,

so that I may prepare myself for the things to come.

I won't give up.

All I ask is for the courage to face them,

the strength to endure them,

and the wisdom to learn from them.

I may not be pious,

I may not be the best person out there,

but I like how our relationship is, for now.

I have flaws,

I have bad qualities,

but I'm willing to learn.

I may not like everyone who has come into my life,

but each and everyone has taught me something.

I hope I'll have the right judgement to separate,

those I want to keep for life,

from those I need to stay away from.

Four years ago,

the night my mum left me to fend for myself,

I learnt the meaning of being homesick.

Four years later,

the night before I leave (and hopefully never come back),

I learn what "Home is Where the Heart Is" means.

Four years ago,

someone came into my life,

made me realise things I never knew existed,

gave me an experience of what true friendship is.

Four years later,

on the night before I leave,

I learn the hardest lesson,

that nothing is forever,

not the boys who come and go,

not even the friends who promise to stay.

I think this is good bye.

I hope this is good bye.

God, I pray,

I want nothing more than this,

Let me pass all my papers this February 2010,

And fly me away on the winds of change.

Good bye Zen,

Good bye Zephyr,

Good bye bastard of a security guard,

Good bye male chauvinist pig Lagoon View hostel warden,

Good bye comfortable bed that has rested my body and soul for four months,

Good bye my beloved soulmate kaiser whom I might never see again,

Good bye back-stabbers,

Good bye bitches,

Good bye late night excursions,

Good bye sofa which I have placed outside my window,

Good bye view from 24th floor,

Good bye fluffy clouds,

Good bye Shisha and "I've never" games,

Good bye Bhavini,

Good bye Amrita,

Good bye Shabnam,

Good bye Sasha,

Good bye great memories.....

I am Jane after a night of fun

Old habits never die.

But I'm glad I went out yesterday.

Apparently I'm not the only one feeling neglected and unappreciated.

And it's good to know.

Because that means that I'm not being over-sensitive.

It means that the problem is real,

and it doesn't reside only within me.

His mum called again today.

I didn't feel like going out.

And then he called.

The sound of his ringtone makes my heart implode.

I didn't go.

I don't think I should.

Maybe one day I will forgive.

Just not today.

And till then,

nothing like a good episode of Greek to get my heart all mushy.

I want an Evan.

I know what a heart throb Cappie is,

but he is also a heart breaker.

And I think I'm done with heart breakers.

I am Jane after yesterday

A normal person would feel better after a good night's sleep.

A normal person would feel less angry after 12 hours.

A normal person would forgive.

A normal person would possibly forget.

A normal person would look back on the past.

and think "Maybe I'm too harsh".

A normal person would take it out on something else.

Based on the above premises,

I am an abnormal person.

After yesterday,

I still feel as angry as I was,

as hurt as I did,

as betrayed as I think.

After a good night's sleep,

I still haven't forgiven,

and I definitely haven't forgotten.

After talking it out with someone who has proven herself to be a better friend.

After going shopping and after a movie with the said person above.

After her trying to make me see that I am in no wrong.

After our random phone call to our "divine" master, Mr. E of whom is known to ask such random questions,

After his very insightful opinion.

I think I know what to do.

But saying and thinking is easier than doing.

And he is just making it worse.

I hate you right now.

From the bottom of the heart.

I am to blame for having relied on you for so much.

I will let no one else in ever.

I thought that boys will come and go,

but you would stay.

But you proved that you too,

are a boy.

For all the wrong reasons.

And boys are just icky.

Even your good friend TJ could sense that I was angry with you after 3 minutes of conversation.

I can't believe I looked up to you.

I can't believe I thought so much of you.

My eyes are opened now.

You are an immature fool just like any boy.

You are an idiot who thinks highly of himself.

You are so stupid to think that I will never know.

You made me.

And I'm sad to tell you that I am now better.

I don't sit.

I'm not stagnant.

I have this forever moving mechanism in me

that wants to do more,

do better,

be more,

be better,

all that is within my own power.

That's because I analyze myself.

I don't look to other people to analyze me.

You are the scientist who injected the catalyst.

I am the substance that has mutated and grown to be self contained.

And now I must part.

This wound will take forever to heal, if not never.

I am Jane and it hurts to be Jane

I haven't felt so upset for the past three years.

I never felt as if I couldn't talk to anyone.

I want to know why you haunt me.

I want to know why I let you.

I want to know how I can end this.

It's because you were there for me,

even when you eventually weren't there for me,

I deluded myself into believing that you were.

Your mum didn't make it any easier,

but there is only so much a rug can cover.

As the dust accumulates under the rug,

it will slowly show

like a pregnant belly awaiting child birth.

I can't blame you.

I can only blame myself.

I don't know since when was it wrong to voice out your thoughts.

I don't know when it started being wrong to show your feelings.

I don't know why is it wrong to feel upset when someone has upset you.

I don't understand why is it that we shouldn't be bitter when we have been wrong.

I am not blind.

I am not stupid.

I just don't understand why I'm not allowed to feel how I feel.

It just means that being me,

is every fibre wrong.

I'm being bitter

and what's wrong with being bitter please tell me

is a person not allowed to feel upset when she is upset?

why does one have to be scolded for being upset?

when someone makes you upset do you not have the right to be upset?

I hate that I let you hurt me so much.

I hate that I'm even hurt.

I hate that I'm allowing you to upset me so much.

I want to be a cold hearted bitch.

And I never want to care about you again.

I am Jane trapped in a box

How can I tell him to leave me alone?

How can I stop hurting?

I can't believe I let myself into believing someone understood me.

I can't believe I let myself into believing that someone would always be there.

All lies.

I can't believe he doesn't know how I feel.

I can't believe he can't see through this.

Fuck this shit.

I am Jane looking for my Poker Face

I need to find my mask.

I think I lost it,

somewhere between trusting a person,

thinking he understood me,

thinking he'd never leave,

and letting him into my life.

How can I let someone mean so much to me?

I have my own self to blame.

If you don't care about a person,

they can't hurt you.

If they're not significant to you,

you won't feel a thing.

But if you're not careful,

you will find later on,

lying on the ground,

trampled and repeatedly stepped on,

broken into a million pieces,

torn and tattered,

a big chunk of your heart that was once filled with the feeling of security.

and then you will go into exile,

hiding behind a mask,

bringing on your best poker face,

until your heart is hilled,

albeit scarred and mutated,

to remind you of the past,

not as beautiful as it once was,

but whole once again,

only to let loose once again

and end up having another big piece ripped out of your very existence.

Don't trust anyone.

Not even yourself.

Because you will only let yourself down.

I am Jane in need of Narcissism

It hurts..

it hurts so bad.

I need to practise what I preach.

I need to love myself.

I need to be happy so that I can be happy.

I need to learn that I can still be happy even when others are not.

I need to learn that I don't need to make everyone happy just so I will feel happy

because then I will never be happy

because everyone will never be happy all at the same time.

There will always be someone to please

someone who will need my help

someone who will want me to do something.

I need to live for myself.

Sasha is right.

I said it myself.

One can only feel hurt because one has let the other party hurt one.

I've done it before.

But why does it feel so hard to do now?

I am back where I started.

I feel even worse.

I feel betrayed.

I know its not my place.

But I'm starting to get sick of it.

I want to live in my own world.

I think I'm abnormal because I can't seem to get along with anyone.

Not for a long time.

Please explain to me this price that I have to pay.

What is it for?

It hurts so badly.

It hurts so badly that it has accummulated.

IT FUCKING HURTS.

I just want to stop hurting.

I want this all to stop.

I need to know that no one will understand me.

Most importantly,

I need to know that it's perfectly fine.