I am Jane, exam stress-less!

It bloody feels good to be finally free from the clutches of exams. I don't know how I did, and I don't even want to think about it (trust me, this takes quite a lot of effort). The thing with ACCA is it's so temperamental, just like a bitchy PMS. You really never can be certain of passing. All you can do is sit, and wait, and hope, and pray.. and in the mean time, PARTY!!!

Which, ironically, I haven't gotten around to. I had the chance to go to Mansion yesterday, but totally blew it. Don't ask why. Anyway, will be heading home on Tuesday. Boo!! Mum is stressed out on self-inflicted problems. (I honestly am thankful I didn't inherit half of her double standards and dumbness) Which means that I (the innocent party) am going to be stressed out on mum-inflicted stress. Life just isn't fair, isn't it? Maybe now you get an insight of why I think she's my worst enemy. Thank God I will have a thesis to bail me out, if I decide that enough is enough. All hail the great RAP thesis (no, I'm not doing a thesis on rap music).

By the way, my mum is a real user (again, I thank God I see what she does and vow never to follow her footsteps). This is part of a conversation that took place few days ago:

Mum: Can you come back quickly?
Me : Why?
Mum: Because I want to try to bake cookies.
(Awkward silence.. contemplating or not whether to verbally express my thoughts)
Me : By YOU trying to bake cookies you mean I bake cookies.
Mum: Whatever lah! I can't find chocolate chip cookies like they used to make them.
Me : Wahlau!!! You pay people to bake cookies, but I don't get anything?
Mum: I buy the ingredients what!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking her for anything, I'm just pissed at the fact that she uses me whenever she wants to because I'm HER daughter (as if that gives her the right to brand her name on my forehead), and the other times when I ask for something, (even something measly), there'd be a whole commotion about how I just take without giving, and how I just keep taking and taking, and how my brother is perfectly contented with whatever he has. Well, for starters, he doesn't have to ask for anything because not only does he have ample supplies of whatever, he has EXCESSIVE supplies of everything! And so, I make my own money. And when she found out, she was more than happy to cut me off even more. Her favourite line now is "You have a lot of money what!". -.- Why don't I just emancipate myself, then? I have enough money to support me, my education is paid for. I don't need you. Plus, you don't provide emotional support. So, yes, I don't need you. Thank you for giving birth to me.

I'm not pissed off because she's giving me less and less money (as long as she gives me the agreed fixed amount, I'm fine. I'll make whatever excess I need). I'm just pissed off at how she is using me, and conveniently fitting me according to her convenience and no one else's, and her dumb right bloody smack-in-the face STUPIDITY! I've never called my mother stupid, because she has always somehow or rather come up with a thousand excuses on why she does what she does. They are a thousand of STUPID excuses, but by the time you've heard all of them, you'd be so confused you'd have forgotten they were stupid in the first place. Nonetheless, I guess old age is catching up with her. And she's slowly unable to cover her tracks as perfectly as she could.

WOMAN!!! I can't understand you for shits. I don't want to, and I won't even bother. What the hype is is if she can do this to me NOW, imagine what she will do to me in the future. God help me, I don't want to be stuck with her. Not because I don't care. Not because I'm not grateful, but because it will cause me such great mental torture that I will go insane before she goes senile.

Fuck you if you think I'm an ungrateful daughter. You don't know what mental torture is. Perpetual mental torture on a constant and consistent basis leads to a sure case of suicide, or lunacy. Whichever comes first. I rather die than become a lunatic forever haunted by her voice.

And thus, for the sake of my own sanity, for the sake of man kind, it is best that my brother gives back what he has EXCESSIVELY taken (by the way, she doesn't think it is excessive because he never asks for more, how ironic!).

And yes, I hate how her stupidity always ruins my plans and everything. And how because of her stupidity, I can't even carry out my own plans on my own, because I'm related to her, and it will cause other peopl to doubt her. Why oh why oh why, will you NOT be frustrated if you were me? Being understandable is one thing, being inconsiderate is another thing, being bloody selfish is another class of its own, and being bloody frustrated and not being to be wind down, well, that's the cherry on the whole freaking layer cake!

Oh, BOY! I can't WAIT to get home. tsk!


disclaimer: I am currently of an unsound mind due to the recently unresolved exam tension. I tend to think 'out of the box' about practically everything. Long story short, I tend to go out of topic, or misunderstand other people, and thus, sound like I'm talking in a world of my own. Apparently, the beau, Sunil and Auntie have come up with this theory that the more I study, the less social skills I will have. What do you expect? I've been cooped up in the house for over a month, with limited human contact! Any NORMAL person would have gone insane by now.

p/s: I tried out my own version of a mango cheesecake, and bloody hell, I never knew I could cook!

p/p/s: Since when did having fun feel so sinful? Why do I let her get to me? SIGH!!!

Nonetheless, I will have as much fun before I go home and am subjected to torture.

I am Jane's top ten reasons why my mum and I cannot go along

1. Double standards. What she has done, I cannot do. Reason being the world has changed and there are more bad people around. I don't understand. How is it that humanity is worse now than it was before? Back then there were rapists and burglars as well. What's so different about today and yesterday? She went all over the world when she was 18. I'm already 19 now. Why can't I go see the world? I'm going to go overseas anyway, whether she likes it or not. So I might as well give it a try now before I get a culture shock later. At least it'd be easier for me to settle in.
   
2. Suspicion. If she had her way, I'd be walking around with a CCTV camera on my head. I know I'm still young, but somebody has to teach the woman how to LET GO! I wonder what would have happened if I got the JPA scholarship instead of my brother, or better still, we BOTH got some scholarship and went overseas. Why does she have to monitor everything I do?
3. Guys are Martians we cannot trust. Indian guys, they are the worse. At least that's what she thinks! It so happens that my best friend and my beau are INDIAN GUYS. She already knows that my best friend is Indian, and she thinks that we're actually going out together. And today, as she was rummaging through my stuff AGAIN, she found a GROUP picture with my beau inside and her direction skipped all the Chinese guys and went only to him. I don't understand why my parents are so racist and what's wrong with Indian guys. As if Chinese guys are any better. I've met a lot of HORRIBLE CHINESE GUYS (not to say I haven't met any nice ones), but I don't understand why skin colour makes a person worse than another.
4. Over-protective paranoia. I know I'm a girl, and I know I made mistakes, but I've long moved on, SO SHOULD SHE!! I don't like the fact that she keeps harping on one mistake and that she'll take it with her through out the rest of my life for as long as her lips can move. I want to see the world. The more she wants to suppress me the more I want to fly away. I think that children are like water, if you give them clear paths, and freedom to make choices, they will flow smoothly and gently. But if you suppress them, or block all their freedom, they will start to find little cracks and holes, and even weak points to break even the biggest dam on earth. That's exactly how I feel, the more she wants me to stay, the more I want to go. The more she nags, the more she suppresses me, the farther I want to go. And once I leave, I will never come back. The other day, my dad's friend and my parents were talking about how their children should not fly too far away so that their parents can visit. That's the whole point! We don't want you to visit. If we want to see you, we will come back.
   
5. Distrustful. To say that I've never done anything for her to distrust me would be an utter and complete lie. But sometimes, parents don't know what's best for you. If my mother had her way, I would have been in Taiping doing my Form 6 and I wouldn't be here because I would have definitely flunked it because what I hate, I cannot do. Nevertheless, everything I say to her is a lie. Everytime I'm out, she will ask me "Where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Who are you with?" "When do you plan to go home?". Sometimes, when she asks me whom I'm out with. I just simply babble a name because if I gave her some new name, she would ask who the person is, which would lead to who his/her parents are, what do they do, where is she/he from..etc. I'M OUT CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET BACK BEFORE YOU INTERROGATE ME? Even worse, she tells me that I shouldn't walk on the streets while talking on the phone, but when it's she who's calling me, and I tell her that I'm walking or on the bus, she'll say "Okay, okay. Call me when you reach home, don't be late. Remember to SMS. How are you going back? By the way, have you eaten? Did you know this and that did this and that?" Seriously, double standards again.
6. Don't go out so often. I know my limits lar. In fact, I haven't been out for a very long time. I know that if she had her way, she'd put a tracking device on me, or even attach me to a leash. URGH!!! Now you know why I want freedom so much. When I was a kid, I wasn't even allowed to go for birthday parties until I was 9-10. I don't understand what kind of mentality she has. If she could, I guess she'd put me in a cage in a corner of the house.
7. Mental torture and abuse. It's true, the words she uses, it's not borderline abuse, it's downright abusive and manipulative! She makes me feel bad when I haven't done anything wrong. There's always this fear inside of me. Like I said, my biggest enemy is her. I guess my only motivation is to overcome her.
   
8. Misunderstanding. The woman can't understand simple English. I'm telling her A B C, she's telling me Z Y X. And then she'll insist that she's right. And when she's proven wrong, she still has to be right. This sometimes involves a third party PROVING HER WRONG and she making a fool of herself by still insisting that she's right. Sometimes it's embarrassing. I thank God I don't spend much time in Taiping town.
9. Violation of Privacy. I like the way I organize my things. Sometimes it's messy, but it's an organized mess. I know where my things are so I know where to get them when I need them. Woman comes and messes up my stuff. She'll dig and forage through my things, and then misplace them somewhere else. Not only that, when I ask her where she put my things, she'll give me the generic "How would I know? You're always misplacing stuff". Well, if you didn't touch them, they wouldn't go missing! Very often I go home and see my room VERY EMPTY compared to how I left it the last time. And so, I had to LOCK ALL MY TOYS in my cupboard because she likes to DIG. Everytime I go back, there's always something missing. I won't be surprised to find that my whole room is missing one day. She's even spread her violation over here, digging through my cupboard, finding the tiniest evidence of distrust. Ohmigod. Please just leave my stuff alone!
10. I'm just never good enough. Just because other children have lousy parents and they do just fine, I'm supposed to do better because I have supposedly "GOOD" parents. My parents don't spoil me, and they TRY to set a good example, but I think they're giving the wrong signals. So no, they are not the best parents in the world. My mum has to learn that. Somebody please tell her that she's human as well and is prone to errors. I don't want a super mum if it means having her only 10 times worse. If anyone can stand up to my mother and tell all these to her face, I'd be forever in your debt. I seriously seriously am so fed up of her. I want to run, but I can't run. ARGHH!!! I better find a way to escape before she drives me crazy!
    

I am Jane's Nearing Future

You know how you always hear people saying cheesy slogans like "The Future is NOW!" and stuff like that? Well, I'm guessing that they don't really know the meaning of it. But I do!

I have always been very enthusiastic when it comes to doing anything that will bring me closer to my future, i.e. escaping from mum. That being with an exception to studying real hard. It's not like I don't study at all, it's just that I don't study as hard as I'm supposed to. I know for a fact that if I really pay attention and really put in the hours, I can do much better than I am doing. Needless to say, I think I value life a little too much to spend it all on books. But then again, I don't really have a social life right now, safe for the little outings here and there. In fact, I myself, have insistently and purposely secluded myself and shunt out the world just so I won't have an excuse to stay out late on useless 'yumcha' sessions, with my heart beating fast because I know I should be home studying for a test in a few days time.

Let me get this straight. I HATE 'YUMCHA' sessions, and I even hate the term 'YUMCHA'. Why? Because it sounds so boring and lame. Not only that, I believe it's something that only old men do. BALDING OLD MEN, whose kids have left the nest, and who refuses to go back to a NAGGY MENOPAUSAL OLD LADY, who can't get enough, or rather who's not getting 'any', who gossip more than the women at the hair saloon, who wear those plain white shirts which fit so tightly to show their bellies, and whose pants are worn either too high right up to their diaphragms or too low because they couldn't get enough cloth to cover their big bellies. And so, I do not understand why youth today, who have much better things to do, have decided that they too, want to be like this old men who sit in the coffee shop with a single glass of kopi-o in those crack-filled, off-white cup-and-saucers shaking their legs, waiting for the first drop of rain to fall. I don't have anything against old men, I just think that 'yumcha' is a waste of time.

However, that being said, I don't really mind the term 'lepak'. In fact, I like 'lepak-ing'. Perhaps it's because 'lepak' involves other things BESIDES sitting down and drinking ais kosong at the mamak (seriously, I know people who do such things*hint: his name starts with G). It's not like I have to be on my feet all the time, walking here and there, I do enjoy sitting down at Starbucks (No, I'm not implying I'm highclass, it's just that I've so happened to ONLY lepak there), Hartamas Square, Republic, or wherever... (just not in a mamak, because I hate the smell of unclean floors, and I SUPER HATE looking at what they do with food). But at least, besides sitting down, 'lepak-ing' also involves walking around aimlessly, playing snooker, throwing your friends into the pool, and the likes. Now, how on earth are you supposed to do that, when you only limit your 'yumcha' to drinking tea?

I don't even know why I went there. Nevertheless, this semester has gone by pretty quickly, and I'm getting quite used to this lifestyle. In fact, I believe this has been quite a smooth sailing journey, despite my having being admitted into the hospital, ear bleeding, and stuff like that. I guess I'm growing up. I feel more composed, not all over the place. It's like I've managed to pick up the bits and pieces and hold them still. Let's just hope it stays this way. I wouldn't mind! I know it's a little bit boring, but dullness is easier to fix than heart break. I've even come to the point where I've succeeded in ridding myself of un-answerable questions such as "Why not?", "I wonder why", "Maybe", and "Was it a lie?". Because I feel that it's not worth it.

Nevertheless, in a blink of an eye, I'm finally where I envisioned myself to be almost two years ago. It might have taken me longer to reach here, but at least I'm here. I'm just praying hard I'll be allowed to stay HERE and not be force to step back. But now that the future is so near, I'm a bit apprehensive about what to do. I've always worked for it, but now that it's mine to grab, I just don't know what to do!

For example, the thesis project for my degree will be starting the minute I finish my exams. Being the typical me, I lunged right into it without any second-guessing! It has always been my policy to strike while the iron is hot because I don't want to miss out on anything (past experience has taught me that). However, that policy has its shortcomings. Like, not being able to get the best deal, and sometimes regret follows suit. Whatever it is, I'm sure I was the first person to enquire about the project, and obviously pay for it. Once you pay for it, that's when everything is final. I even looked up the lecturer to tell him that I want to start the project earlier than the rest. I guess it's justifiable since he is the only good lecturer left whom I know of and is approachable since the other lecturers have left or are not mentoring anymore. And I just looked up the topics of which I must choose from:

1. An organisation’s budgetary control system and its links with performance management and decision making
2. How the introduction of a new technology can assist an organisation in achieving its business objectives
3. The impact of an aspect of impending legislation on the operations and financial position of an organisation
4. The impact of e-business on an organisation
5. The effects of globalisation on an organisation
6. The key factors or indicators in the motivation of employees in an organisation
7. The restructuring of an organisation’s operational activities and the effect on the organisation’s financial performance
8. The business and financial performance of an organisation over a three year period
9. The planning and implementation of an information system in an organisation
10. The effectiveness of the use of costing techniques within an organisation
11. The financial and operational costs and benefits of the internal audit / internal review activities within an organisation
12. The possible effects of a proposed accounting standard on the financial statements and business activities of an organisation
13. The relationship between an organisation’s human resources activities and its business objectives
14. The business and financial objectives of a strategic investment decision made by an organisation and its impact on key stakeholders
15. The management of an organisation’s working capital over a three year period and its impact on the organisation’s funding strategies
16. The financial and operational risk management within an organisation
17. The quality of the corporate governance within an organisation and the impact on an organisation’s key stakeholders
18. The marketing strategy of an organisation and its effectiveness
19. The financial and operational consequences of a merger between two organisations or of the acquisition of one organisation by another
20. An organisation's corporate social responsibility policies, including business ethics, and their impact on business practice and key stakeholders.

(http://www.accaglobal.com/students/study_exams/qualifications/degree/RAP/topic_areas)

Honestly, I have no idea what half of them are talking about, and am just guessing the other half. I hate project like these where I have to CHOOSE!! Why can't they just give us an ultimatum; this, or that. Not, A, B, C up to Z! I'm thoroughly confused as to which one to pick. I know I'll definitely do something about costing and management accounting, but WHICH ONE??? I hate the fact that I'm over ambitious, I always want to do this, that and everything under the sun, but with time constraint (thank God for such a thing), and procrastination, I never achieve what I plan to do, only part of it. And being a perfectionist, I always go too in depth, hence not covering enough grounds. I just know that I won't finish this in time. I'll start digging for information, and at first, it will look as if I don't have anything to talk about at all. And then I will procrastinate, and when the time constraint suddenly hits me, that's when the bottleneck will come in. Suddenly, everything will look relevant, and all the relevant things will have more things relevant to them, and those things will have an even deeper and wider scope to cover, and all of a sudden, I'm talking about a totally different thing, and then perhaps, I'll consider changing my topic. How on earth do I overcome this? I just hope the P1 exam wont be like this.

Other than that, I don't know how many papers to do next semester. Can you imagine that??? I have a remaining total of 4 papers to do (that is, if I clear all the papers this semester), and the dilemma consists of:

• taking 2 papers for 2 semesters, which means that I will have to stay here up to December 2009, which means that my mum will have to fork out almost RM4000 extra (which I know she doesn't mind, but will remind me about it for the rest of my life) compared to the other options.
  
• taking 3 papers next semester, and in my final semester, start working full time, as well as take my last paper part time, with a basic salary of RM2600 (today's current market rate offered by BDO Binder), which would add to my PER requirement to become an ACCA member. However, one of the papers that I MUST do next semester is called P2 Corporate Recording, which means that Menon is back in my life. I love how she teaches, because I don't have to go back and study after that. But I don't like her attitude. We're students! Not crap! I was lucky enough to have a calmer Menon during my F7, but apparently the dropping passing rates are driving her up the wall again, let's just see what happens next semester, maybe I'll be lucky again. By the way, this woman gives 12 hours of lectures a week, which means that if I'm going to be taking 3 papers, I'm going to be killing myself with almost every day of class, again! And after what I've gone through this semester, with only a three-day-week, i really don't feel like stressing up myself like that. I find it so much easier to breathe with the space I'm having now.
  
• taking 3 papers next semester, and then one in my final, but working towards a World Prize. Maybe this is far-fetched, but something tells me I have what it takes. It's just that I don't have enough time. And so, perhaps concentrating on one paper will definitely ensure that I will get a World Prize, and of course, a better job opportunity. Perhaps I'll go freelancing around. I'm already freelancing and the money is good, although I know it can be better. So maybe I will be able to convince her to let me stay outside and get me a car. I will, anyway, be paying for it, and I will have to use it once I start working.
  

In conclusion, I don't know when to graduate.

I need to do a cost-benefit analysis. That's the accountant speaking, by the way. I love costing. I don't know why I didn't think of CIMA in the first place, which leads to my next confusion, to CIMA or not to CIMA, that is the question. I know I definitely don't want to stop here. I know I want to get a PHd, and I know I love costing, but do I really want to put myself through all the pain of exams once I'm done with ACCA, just to get another professional certificate? I know people like Peter will tell me that I don't need it, but I want it! And that's why I don't know what to do. Need and want are two different things. But what if CIMA will give me a better, happier, more self-satisfactory job and life? And what if it doesn't? Also, I will have to pay for not one, but TWO freaking expensive professional fees in FOREIGN CURRENCY. And not just any foreign currency, but in POUNDS!! Which is almost 7 times our own currency on normal days, and close to 6 during recession, which is still freaking EXPENSIVE. By the way, our DPM thinks that we MALAYsians have a very high saving rate. Yes, we save more than Americans, ON AVERAGE, but please go to the shopping malls, and see the way *ahem certain people spend money (I'm not talking about myself). It's as if there is no tomorrow! It's as if money is going out of fashion and they need two freaking bright red sofas from Ikea, when they can get 5 for the same price at their beloved Court's Mammoth, which is ironically situated near Ikea.

I don't even know why I'm blogging. Probably too stressed up. I've attended Mr. Goh's class religiously, although I missed the morning part of today's because the medicine made me so drowsy. I fell really sick two days ago, and yesterday, Auntie talked Sunil (I'm guessing it wasn't his own initiative since I'm not Calista) into drag me to the clinic. It was kind of weird because it seems like we've ran out of things to talk about. Maybe we're growing out of each other. I don't know. I don't have time to think about that. I've now developed a "whatever shall be, shall be policy" when it comes to friendship. I really can't be bothered about people who can't be bothered anymore. Because I've learnt to live with what I have and make the best out of it.

Anyway, I went to class in the afternoon, and I must say, I hate hardworking people. I hate people who think that they are better/ smarter than you are. I hate people who look down upon you. It's as if, if they cock-stared you down hard enough, you won't be able to rise up again. I so want to show this people that they're just not all that. And I don't know why I always work on negative vibes, such as nervous energy, wanting to prove others wrong, and wanting to make them swallow their own words. So let me rephrase that, I hate kiasu people, and I hate people who belittle other people. What happen to late bloomers and silent killers? I don't understand why they won't help and insist on lying. Urgh! I miss having Kuan and Angeline in class with me. Classes are so lonely without them, I still have friends, but they aren't as reliable and trustworthy as Kuan and Angeline. Am looking forward to next semester when they'll hopefully come back. I know that being a professional, your coursemates never last, but I believe in the case of Kuan and Angeline, we'll always be in touch. Because what one lacks, someone will compensate.

By the way, my audit lecturer is resigning. He was supposed to be the lecturer for P3 next semester, but now they've left it to Menon's brother (whom I heard, thank God, is nothing like her). But that would mean that there will be sibling rivalry again! Even Mr. Marcus couldn't steal time from Menon, so now I'm wondering how Dinesh is going to do the same from his much more dominant and loud sister. Funny, how I never liked my audit lecturer, but I do admire his brains, and the way he deciphers information. Makes it so much easier to swallow. At the same time, I don't like how he manages time and his favouritism. I guess everything has its pros and cons.

I don't even know what I'm doing blogging at this state. I'm supposed to be studying. I have to cover law, audit and corporate governance. I don't want to be over-confident this round. I want to do well, to keep my second class upper grade.

Here's to the future...Cheers!


By the way, today, or rather a few hours ago, someone turned a ripe 22.

Happy birthday boo...

will make it up to you with Mango Cheesecake when you come back..

I am Jane, paranoid!!!

Today, while I was rewarding myself with a short (but turned out to be long) afternoon nap, I felt this stupid mosquito fly around me, making their irritating sound. And being a person who DOES NOT kill mosquitoes or flies, or any other things, I decided to live and let live. Later on, when I was fully awake, I saw the same bloody mosquito again (because the mosquito population up here is not big, therefore the possibility of that mosquito being the same one that bit me is very likely), now all bloody fat and jolly flying around me. Apparently the greedy PIG mosquito decided that it didn't get enough and came back for seconds, maybe thirds or fourths! A closer look gave me a full view of its STRIPED BODY and STRIPED LEGS. And that's when the paranoia settled in. Apparently these creatures DO NOT deserve to live. Because they turn around and bite you everywhere! You won't believe what I did to kill it. I had to crawl under the bed, jump on my bed when it was resting on the ceiling, climb on the table when it flew near the aircond, and finally, I decided to use myself as bait, which worked. And now the stupid mosquito is resting in pieces on my desk, for close inspection. I google-imaged "aedes" to confirm my 'catch' and now I'm freaking out because by the time the incubation period and everything is over, I would be sitting for my exams!! :s some one please help, how do I kill the virus before it spreads? Why do stupid things like this happen to me?? ARRGHHH... I wonder if it has been slowly feeding on me before this, because for the past few days I've been having headaches and muscle aches..Shit!! This cannot be happening to me! Stupid bloody mosquito. You had better not bred in my room. I blame my housemates. They freaking don't know how to keep the place clean. My roommate is just as irritated. I hope the flies and cockroaches go over there, and not here.

I am Jane in Exile once again

Today marks the day that I will enter my last exam exile for this year. Hopefully, two more before I'm finally done. Wish me luck, and a miracle. Won't be on facebook, friendster, or any of that stuff until 8th of December, when I get emancipated, although I will still be working a bit. Don't tempt me!! You know, if it were a lot easier to post photos up, my blog wouldn't be so wordy as it is right now. Nevertheless, I like words, and if you don't then too bad.

Bye peeps. See you on the eight..By the way, Premzy is coming back for a week, although I doubt I'll get a chance to see her. :(

p/s: tried installing Photoshop CS3 just now and it drove me bonkers! So if anyone has done it, and has a fool-proof step-by-step dummies' guide, please send it to me.

I am Jane's Inspiration

It just comes like a bullet train and hits you faster than you can say "Why didn't it come before now?".

Unfortunately, it always comes at a time when I need to be doing other things; such as sleeping, which I'm obviously NOT right now. Although I really should, because I have class at 8am tomorrow, and I plan on waking up at 6am, which is like in one and a half hour's time.

And then tomorrow, or in a few hours time, when I wake up, it's gone. As fast as it hit me, it leaves just as velociously, just like a bullet train.


SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!!! Why do I sleep so easily when I don't need to, sleep even more when I'm not supposed to, and CAN'T sleep at all when I need to?

I am Jane's 6-monthly routine

I wonder if it's some evil joke that my birthday is half a month away from the June exams and his birthday is a few days from my December exams, hence, we never got to do the whole "surprise birthday treat" thing. I know he'd say it's partially my fault, but I really wasn't in the mood during then, for what reasons I shall not say.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my long-hours-of-class torture, with Mr Marcus, starting of the race. Seriously, I don't understand why 'smart people' like the ACCA admins would want to schedule non-stop long hours of classes for us (which sometimes can range from 8am to 9pm, no joke) when we all know that we all have short attention spans. Yes, I agree that the long hours are good because of the momentum, but i think 10 hours is a bit too much, don't you think? No point arguing, I still have about only a year left to go. So, let's just get this over with, shall we?

Right now, I have this stupid thought in my head. I just checked out CIMA's website and apparently I'd be almost where I am if I switched over. I so want to, but I don't want to because I want to finish what I started, but I just know that I'll do better in CIMA. And then there's the question of getting BOTH, and then paying a hefty annual subscription fee just to be a member of their 'professional body'. I don't know. Apparently I'm not the only one who's thinking about my dreams, ambitions and goals. I guess it's the season.

And apparently everyone has this "I-had-a-bad-childhood/school-experience-with-friends-so-I-bottle-everything-up-and-surround-myself-with-this-glass-ball-inside-which-nobody-can-touch-me" syndrome, or also the "Nobody-understands-me-and-what-I-go-through-and-they-all-want-me-to-listen-to-them-so-I-just-put-on-this-fake-smile-and-go-on-with-life" syndrome. It's got me wondering. WHY CAN'T WE ALL BE LESS COMPLICATED? This, coming from the girl who can't decide what type of person she is. Very original. Wait, I take that back. I DO know what kind of personality I am. I'm the very-hard-to-figure-out-myself personality. Ahahaha, so lame. I know. I blame the exam stress.

Was dog-sitting Kaiser puppy the whole of yesterday night and today. He has been a good puppy, except for when he pooped and peed in the kitchen umpteen times, and once in front (but not inside) of his own private toilet. Eventually, I got fed up and we had this understanding that he can roll and lick his own poop and pee for all I care, not that I don't care about him, but I know he's purposely doing it just because his master isn't home. Did I mention that Kaiser is sexually attracted to my beau? I don't know why. I had to constantly remind him that the beau is MY BOYFRIEND and he should go look for his own kind. His neediness really melts my heart, but his cheekiness sends me shooting through the roof! (and by cheekiness, I mean his pooping and peeing habits). There were times when he'd notice that my beau was sitting next to me, and he'd get all needy, and sit right in between the both of us. Although strangely, when he wanted to sleep, he chose to sleep beside me, under my armpit, or he'd literally walk all over me and then settle for my feet. Oh, Kaiser I'm going to miss you wherever you're going to be when your master leaves!

On another note, Sunil's curse is working. I think I'm breaking down. Can my undergrad doctor friends please graduate soon so I can bully you into curing me? It started with the numb ear, and the whole ear pressure thing which I've always had, and then I started making hollow noises when I breathed through my nostrils, and now, my the muscles on the outer part of my left eye feels dead. Not only that, I suddenly feel anaemic once again. Maybe it's because of the shortage of food. But I must persevere! The last time I felt anaemic was when I was in school, I'd get this black-out spells (although I've never actually fainted), and I'd feel as if for a split second my body just switched off and on again, sort of like a reboot. And sometimes, I'd just see stars although I didn't knock my head anywhere. Oh, what to do, what to do!

Last but not least, I am a genius, because I managed to book a room in a fully-booked hotel, which was supposed to be in low season, but we saw plenty of tourists there. The downside was, it was crazy waiting for your turn to check-in! And for once, I'm glad that I decided to leave early because the queue was even worse when it was almost our turn to check in. Apparently guests have been arriving since 4am to check in. Madness! Speaking of which, on the contrary, I never learn my lesson. The night before, we had planned to leave at 8am, seeing that we already booked the hotel, checked the bus schedule and everything. Guess what time we reached Terminal Putra? 8am on the dot. Okay, maybe a little before, but just enough time to get the tickets, and by the time I did that, the bus had already started its engine. Trust me for my impeccable timing. I'm never late, never early. Always on time. It's always the other outer factors that mess with my timing. Luckily, I have beau to nag me for that. He always get ready half an hour earlier.

However, our trip was unsatisfactory. Deluxe view room turned out to be a view of someone's back of the building. And when I checked it out, apparently the deluxe room with-no-view, have windows facing each other! how creepy is that. there's this tiny air vent area with beams across it. I bet if someone wanted to climb over, they could! As a kid, I remembered going crazy over this chicken chop which cooked in front of me on a hot piece of rock. I remembered it to be really good too. And so, this time around, being the first time in five years I will be visiting Genting, I decided that I should pay the old chicken chop a tribute. Turns out it was still there. The name of the shop is Hot Rock @ The Kopitiam, First World Plaza. The place has turned so crappy! I don't know if the rocks have been replaced, but they still looked the same. Although, the piece of chicken seemed to have shrunk significantly, and it didn't taste as good. Oh, the disappointment. By the way, can you imagine that the famously-labelled-expensive Genting has an equally famously-expensive MNG OUTLET there??? I tell you, if I had the cash to spend, I would have gone crazy there. In the words of the beau "Har, finish lar!". I also went into the casino =D. Yes, I'm very proud of myself, if you're wondering. I have no business to be in there, but you know me. I just want a taste of the forbidden fruit. No, I didn't gamble. Beau was all protective and stuff, saying that if I wanted to gamble, it must be done through him, and I cannot touch anything or if I got caught, I'd be in big trouble. In the end, he didn't gamble as well, seeing that their minimum was RM50 and he didn't believe in beginner's luck. Other than that, Coffee Terrace's sushi and sashimi was a disappointment, but luckily they had other food to compensate for the suckiness. Their desserts were served WARM (WTF!), and some looked good, but tasted horrible, and some looked bland, but tasted FANTASTIC! And needless to say, the next morning's First World Cafe Buffet breakfast was crappy as well. All in all, first world is just for gamblers to put up. And so, next trip, Theme Park Hotel. Photos will be posted later after my exams.

I am Jane, not dead

No, I'm not dead, and I've not been that busy so as NOT to have time to blog, just very distracted...VERY...

I need to snap out of it. I've given myself the time to hope and dream and DREAM... because I knew it never would be and I'd snap out of it, but now it's time to wake up and chase the bigger more realistic dream. A very pressuring one I'd say. I don't even know why I call it a dream when I don't really desire it. Sometimes I'm so scared of what I will become, not because I don't know my future, but because I know I'm doing something I don't like. I'm just scared I won't be happy. I already learnt that money doesn't make you happy, it's just the financial independence that makes you happy. What if I want other things in life? I don't ever want to wake up and say "Oh, no, I can't do that, it's way past my time". I want to be forever young. Sigh...

Beau is still away, and I'm starting to get BORED. The last time he was away this long, I started rocking the boat. And until today, he still isn't satisfied with me. To me, it was just a small matter, probably because I was selfish, I didn't think of the consequences, but sometimes, it's fun to live life like that, just do what you want to without thinking; be spontaneous! We all know how much I hate routine..

I want to go to Genting this Monday, but because the IDIOT (he's going to kill me when he sees this, but you know you're MY idiot right?) couldn't inform me earlier, now all the rooms are booked online, and if they don't have anymore when I call, I'm going to be very mad at someone.


p/s: Been procrastinating a lot recently, I blame House. I'm so hooked on it that I watch episode after episode NON-STOP! The habit has to stop, it's affecting my work, and that's not good. My sleeping pattern is totally screwed up. I'm drifting in and out like crazy, and I'm eating like a mad person!! I need to have self control...help!!

I am Jane's dead external HDD

Time of death, 7.00 am, 27th October 2008.

IT'S DEAD, AGAIN!!!!

I feel like killing people now. In the first place, why didn't my mother get me an HP just like I wanted instead of an IBM? Sure it lasts longer, but I have a miserable total space of 40 GB only!! and if that is not bad enough, the mouse-scrolling thing, I forgot it's name, cursor ball or something, is so worn out that it's as smooth as a shiny bald head.

My HDD was adds to another of my mother's mistakes-which-she-will-never-admit-to. Technology wise, I'm obviously 10 times, no make ita gazillion times better than her, but NO! She always insists on buying things without consulting me, especially if it's something of mine. Somehow, when it comes to my brother, she will do a thorough research before purchasing anything. In spite of that my brother's gadgets are always in a worse condition than mine. I wanted an HDD during last year's March PC fair, but my mother was at the back of my head and so I couldn't hunt for the best deal. And then, behind my back, she got this horrible China-made HDD which cost more than a Samsung HDD which was the most expensive during the PC fair. If I had knew, I would have just bought the Samsung. Needless to say, anything made in China, WILL NOT last, and has no quality at all. Within months, my HDD became brain dead. And now, after the warranty period was over, IT'S DEAD AGAIN!! I don't know what to do. I'm going to send it back for repair, but I'm also going to get myself a new one. This time, with my OWN money, so she will have no say in what I buy. That's why I like having financial independence. And so, if you're thinking of marrying me, don't even dare dream that I will become a housewife and sit at home waiting for you to put money into my wallet. I earn my own money and I don't explain my spending habits to anyone. They say easy come, easy go. Put it this way, at least there is something COMING for it to be GOING. Way better than no come no go, right? They should just revamp all the proverbs and sayings. Like practice makes perfect, in actual fact, practice only makes PERMANENT!

Any kind soul knows how I can save my data? I have so many movies inside. I'm going to scream at the stupid company. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!! Because of China, I am ashamed to call myself a Chinese. I don't have that Chinese mentality. Imagine the Chinese people charge tourist for taking pictures with their kids. I won't be surprised if there is a pawn shop where they can pawn their children for some extra cash. The world is evolving, humans are becoming more SOPHISTICATED, CIVILIZED, but Chinese nationals are going the other way. I won't be surprised they'll start living on trees once again and eat raw meat, and by that I don't mean Sushi. Amnesty should boycott them, UN should boycott them, U.S. should boycott them, the whole world should boycott them! Fuck cheap labour, we can get that in Thailand too. Boycott China-made products and then the quality control, ethics and corporate governance will come in

I am Jane the INFP

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

I am Jane, the auditor, dating the bio-technologist

Something random and short. My beau and I were having a fight over something which I can no longer remember right now, but at one point, we came to this:

Me : Auditor's principles, if something is too small, it is immaterial, therefore, can be overlooked because it will not have a significant impact of the entire materiality of financial statements.
Him: Bio-tech principles, every small thing matters!!

This is the point where I go speechless.. I always made jokes about how scientific people and artistic people cannot get along. I didn't know the above could happen as well.

I am Jane's Rendezvous

There was a time when Sunil came up with this thing that we should both listen to Shakira's Hips don't lie just before an exam. I remember how I used to call him before my exams to release my stress. And he'd always play that song for me. I'm going for my mock exam for my law paper in an hour's time. I'm so not prepared. And this is a paper I've failed before. It feels so much worse than when I did my tax paper last semester. On the other hand, I totally deserve it. It feels like rendezvous again. I don't know what to do. Wish me luck. No, I need a miracle. All I ask is to not be barred...I don't know what else to spot. Hard core memorising is definitely not my departement.

And now, I shall listen to the song over and over again until my impending doom comes. :'(

I am Jane's sad epiphany

I woke up late for class today, albeit solemnly swearing to attend the last week of lecture. But I kept to my word, I attended the whole day's lectures, although much to my disliking, Mr Marcus has decided to go overboard with the extra classes. As I was going through the day, I felt as if today was a day that I'd get an epiphany, although I obviously didn't know what it was.

The past 10 days have been crazy. Massive partying, lots of booze, lots of dancing, lots of laughter, lots of craziness, and of course, lots of spontaneity. But today, as I woke up and felt the epiphany coming, I just felt like I wanted to be left alone in total quietness. Unfortunately, my housemates were everywhere and I didn't really get my alone time. I finally resorted to sitting downstairs at the lobby like a mad woman talking to Sunil on the phone because someone else was too busy being moody. Not that he has no right to. We talked and talked until the wind started blowing and then it rained. Heavy rain always comes when I'm in one of my mood swings. And along with it always comes a realization. This time, the rain was so heavy, I was indirectly soaked in it even though i was standing right in the middle of the huge lobby.

I've never been afraid of growing up to be a nobody. Somehow, deep inside, I always knew that I'd be a someone. I don't mean to brag, but it's just some thing you feel inside of you. What I didn't know is that I'd be a someone that I didn't want to be. By being somebody, I don't mean the rich and famous. Just someone who has a tale to tell, someone respectable, someone well-off. But I always felt that I'd be this somebody with a dark secret (who doesn't have dark secrets?).

I know I'm sick. I like playing riddles. I like telling stories with stories hidden inside, I like saying things with double meanings. And I like giving that mysterious smile that makes you wonder more. It's just something that excites me.

The epiphany I had today is not one that a normal 19-year old would have. This is something that middle-aged people wake up to one morning, when there really is no point of return.

Basically, I've realised that although I have been knowingly and reluctantly climbing up the wrong ladder up the knowingly wrong wall, waiting for the wall to finally end so that I can switch walls, or at least find a crossing-over ladder to the right wall, I just realised that that dream, will only remain a dream. There will not be any other walls, there will not be any crossovers. Why?

Let's put it this way. I may be young, and many may say that it's still not too late to switch now. Or evern I can just finish this, and then start over. First of all, I'm not one to do something halfway, especially when it comes to studies. Secondly, by the time I'm through with all this, the word 'young' will not apply to me as easily. By the time I graduate, I'd be 20 at least, by the time I get my Associate's certificate, I'd be 23, and by the time I become a Fellow Associate, I'd be at least 25. By that time, I'd be so comfortable with it, I'd probably forget all my dreams. Or maybe, I'd be so scared of losing the financial and job security, I'd just forget about the whole dream. Even worse still, I sometimes see myself so engrossed in my work that I would have totally forgotten about my inital plans, and keep working my auditing ass off till one day, I wake up, and realise that this is not the dream I planned for.

Even now, I realise that this is not what I planned for. What saddens me is the fact that I'm only going to live this life once. And I've done something that cannot be undone. Not that anything can actually be undone, but I feel that I've actually put my foot so deep this time, that there really is no use looking back. I feel as if it'd be practical to just let my dreams go, but part of me still believes that things will turn out for the better.

The funny thing is that most of the time, if I yearn for something bad enough, I'd probably get it eventually, although at the weirdest time, place and situations. This just happened last week. In fact, it happened twice. I did't plan for it to happen like this. I didn't plan for it to happen now. And worst of all, I didn't even think it'd actually happen. What's done is done. I cannot turn back. I cannot do anything. I can't even talk about it, all I have is just a reminder. I don't even know if I should be glad it took place. Whatever it is, I have to keep my mind straight. It's not like it's the first time such thing has happened, but I must be careful not to let myself fall into the same trap again.

The whole day, I feel as if my brain has been twitching, or rather, it feels like someone little is inside there and he accidentally bumped into my brain. Not a good feeling. I don't know why I feel like that as well. But sometimes, it actually takes me deeper into my thoughts.

I need some comforting, I need to find solace. I don't know where to get it now. But I really yearn for it right now. Why won't things happen appropriately at a more timely and accurate manner? I like days when I wake up and feel like doing crazy things. No matter how crazy, I never regret them. A week after my hair stint, I got this:


It's a bit swollen, but I love it all the more. I don't know where else to pierce. I'm leaving the tattoo as a milestone mark for my graduation, but I need other places to pierce in the mean time. Funny how I'm so afraid of medical needles, but the same IV needle that they poked through my veins 5 times while I was screaming is the same needle that went through my belly button. I'm sadistic, I know.

Some people just know what they want to do at a young age. I envy those who are doing things like hotel management, graphic design, music, perhaps even journalism. These are things that they enjoy doing, they'd be more than happy to be forced into it. Some people don't even have to slog through their college days just because not only are they doing something their good at, but of their life's calling.

I haven't had my life's calling. All I have is a dream. A dream that I don't even know is the right one because I haven't tried it at all. All I have is a half-climbed ladder which I'm too far up to come down anymore. I cannot look down, I can only look up, but it's so misty up there that I cannot see my own future.

All I know is this; I don't want to wake up one day years later, thinking that I would have been happier doing something else, I don't want to wake up one day to find out that I'm at the wrong office doing the wrong thing, and I don't want to wake up one day, and ask myself what is the purpose of my life.

Most of all, I don't want to wake up one day, and think to myself, "what if it were different?", "what if I didn't think twice before doing what I did?", and "what would have happened if I did?". Thus, I want to try everything and anything I possibly can. And I must say, I think I'm doing a pretty good job.

Partying pictures will be out next time. I'm too lazy. I remember the first time I started becoming a heavy drinker, and all the tabooed looks I got from fellow Convent girls. I don't give a damn anymore. There is no way that they can justify themselves better than me. Yes, I not only drink, I drink like a fish. And I'm proud I can do that. At least I don't pass out everywhere, turn red, or get drunk easily. I enjoy my booze, and I intend to. Just like how you enjoy chocolates, I enjoy booze. Fair enough.

And now that the whole party is over, and the crowd has left, I feel like the tired partially satisfied host, left all alone to clean the big obviously-messy after party mess.

This blog isn't as good as it was about two hours ago while the idea struck me. Simply because in life, we all have obligations to fulfill. After which, our own desire becomes less important. How sad to realise this at such an early age.

I am Jane's Reformation

I've been letting myself lose since Friday, it feels nice to take a break. But I haven't attended any law classes and I just skipped Professional Accountant today as well. On the other hand, I managed to change my driving license from a P to a CDL, which means that I now have a full-fledged legal license to kill, not that I'm looking forward to killing anyone.

Just like our nation, I feel a change coming over me. And just like the people, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow, a permanently better tomorrow. I'm not one to sit and wait for things to happen, I make things happen. Although, I really am enjoying this transition period. Who doesn't like a fun and care-free lifestyle?

You know, words and me have always gone well together. But I'm finding it so hard to put into words what I want to say nowadays. I hate globalization. I hate how it makes you numb to the world. Although all I used to feel was pain and dread, I felt so much better when I was able to utter words that matched how I felt to the point.

However, this thing that I love, this whole changing process, this whole spiritual and mental (but not physical) cleansing, it's all like a drug. A drug so potent that I'm so addicted to, I just can't get enough.

This whole thing has become like ecstasy (please don't assume that I'm doing drugs, I didn't say I am); everytime you take a bite, you feel so good, the whole process takes you higher and higher until you reach the climax, and then things start going the opposite direction, and you start craving for more, hence you keep looking and searching and will do anything to feel the same again. But after a while, or even sometimes, ecstasy doesn't make you feel good, it makes you crash, it makes your emotions feel twice stronger than they really are. I don't complain. I like that feeling. That's the feeling that lets me know I'm still human. Maybe I'm just psychotic and sadistic. That's what it does to you.

I'm at this chapter in Professional Accountant where they teach us about ethics and such. It's more of a psychological topic than about business ethics. I don't like how no matter what your moral stance is, no matter what the philosophy, there is always right and wrong. Seriously, who gives us the right to judge who is right and who is wrong, what is right and what is wrong? I don't like how I have to justify my actions, and I don't like how I need justification before I do something. I'd really rather do it and then think about the consequences. And no, I don't do things like robbing and killing. Show me a person who hasn't sinned and I will tell you his first sin : lying. Why is society so harsh on the rigid lines of who's right and who's wrong? Can't we live and let live?

I'm feeling poetic, melo-dramatic (as always), metaphorical and philosophical today..

Simple ironies of life:

Somewhere along caring less for others
I started caring less about myself
Somewhere along searching for myself
I lost myself
Somewhere along pursuing my interest
I've come to succumb to deadlines and rigid requirements
Somewhere along running away from my past
I've come to the same situation, different person
Somewhere along trying to become stronger
I've let myself become more vulnerable
Somewhere along telling myself I will never let history repeat itself
I'm trying very hard to justify that this is different
Somewhere along running away and not letting anything get in my way
I feel something else pulling me back
Somewhere along pursuing happiness
I'm not sure if I want to be happy because being happy just isn't my thing
Somewhere along wishing that the world was not round
I'm grateful that she'll never catch me this way
Somewhere along resting on stable waters
I rocked the boat just to see how it feels like once again

I think I'm really sick. I complain about being unhappy, but when I'm happy, I start wondering if this is really me, and rather that I was not. There are days when I wake up and hate my hair, there are days when I wake up and wished that I could stare at the mirror all day. This really is a fling. I don't have that same natural every-day consistent love for it. Or maybe I'm just not used to it. It's not just hair, there's more to it.

Was watching Narnia Prince of Caspian just now, and was trying to figure out the meaning behind it. I did get a little bit of my own interpretation, although I don't know if it were really true or not. How I could write in riddles again. Having a story behind a story is fun.

Beyond these words, lie another story hidden behind every stroke, every bent, every curve. It's like the golden gates guarding the beautiful garden inside it. Find the key, unlock its secrets, and the garden will be yours to enjoy..

I am Jane, all new and improved formula

And so, Sunil obviously did a pretty good job in talking me through the whole thing and now, welcome the all new me. At the beginning, I was still trying to salvage as much as my hair and tried persuading the hairstylist, Angie, to give me a fake bob instead of a real one (apparently there's a difference). But of course, Sunil intervened and I left it up to her prerogative.

This was my last attempt at salvaging my hair. I wanted to stop at this length, but Sunil said "NO!!" and so, it got shorter. By the way, Angie saved the first snippet of hair for me. Probably because Sunil went "EEEKK!!" when she cut it.
In loving memory of my long silky smooth multi-coloured hair 2001-2008. I will see you again soon.

Freaky as it is, I'm still keeping it. I don't know why. Am thinking of laminating it. But will the heat spoil the texture??

The end results. Yes, I did a Rihanna (and now, everytime Sunil sees me he can't help but start singing Umbrella). No, I didn't do it because I saw Rihanna do it, and I most certainly didn't do it because all the other girls were doing it. If I did, I would have cut my hair short a long time ago. I did it for myself. And I had no idea it'd turn out like this. My survey results:

1. Sunil loves it (he should, he talked me into cutting it THAT short)
2. Yuvan doesn't notice the difference
3. Ezra replied the usual "Okay what!"
4. Peter Hoong doesn't like the fact that I have short hair
5. Auntie thought I was joking when I said I was going to cut my hair, and when I sent her the MMS she choked
6. Ratna loves it
7. Mabel supposedly loves it as well and now she has done the same
8. Chung Li Kuan said "Ohmigod!! You stupid girl. Do you know how I wished I had your silky smooth straight hair?"
9. Angeline said "Did you go crazy for a split second?"
10. Prem (who is never nice with criticism) said "Not bad arr!"

The last person or rather, the one whose opinion matters the most, is not here. I shouldn't have told him I was going to cut my hair, should have just left it as a surprise. Anyway, it'd be a surprise enough for him, since he doesn't know how short my hair really is.

A preview for you before you come back...

I have a lot of things to say, some should be censored, some should not be said at all.

All I can say is I hate routine. I hate anything that is repetitive, boring, mundane, normal, day-to-day. Some how, together with the new hairstyle, unintended happiness came along.

All this while, I suddenly became a shaddow in college, but nowadays everyone notices me. I feel as if my face looks brighter and so, Mabel, contrary to your believe that hair is just hair, hair DOES make a huge difference.

I don't care about the attention, but the feeling and exhiliration it has brought on to me. First of all, I feel reborn, renewed, refreshed. Everyday I wake up, I feel as if I now look forward to what's ahead instead of dreading it.

Secondly, I feel me again. Somewhere along finding myself, I happened to lost myself. I gave myself up to people who didn't care about me. Now, I feel as if I have priorities and that is to love me as much as well. And thus, I feel more confident.

Thirdly, I feel as if my world is falling into place again. I feel as if I have a purpose to live, I feel as if I'm ME again. It's as though someone has awoken the sleeping snake (because I'm born in the year of the zodiac snake) in me and now I'm ready to erm...bite?

Last but not least, I feel like a whole new me. I feel as if I can do anything and everything. I feel as if the sky is my limit and I feel like the world is mine. I've even started to fall in love with David Guetta again. It's as though some how, the music had become muffled over the months, and now I can hear it loud and clear again. Pure ecstasy! And so, I shall leave you with this video and a mischievous smile to leave you wondering about my dirty little secrets, that is, if I have any.



I remember the first time I got really high and flying (on what I will not say). I was looking/ staring at the pretty disco lights in my friends room while listening to David Guetta's Love don't let me go. And I fell in love instantly. After which, my music taste expanded, but now, I'm as hooked on David Guetta as I was when I first heard him.

It's nice to let yourself loose once in a while. REALLY Lose control. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe you can cope with the stress, but I can't. I need big time massive drastic breaks to recharge myself for the next league. And so, I have one more week to go party like it's my mother fucking job before I start dying for the mock exams again. By the way, did I mentioned that Marcus gave me the same marks again? And I didn't even study!! I still have about a month plus before the real exams..Sigh! How time flies..

I am Jane and it's time for a change

Haha..my title rhymes! Today, I woke up and felt as if I need a drastic change because part of my resolution is coming true. I should reward myself. And I should change something drastically so as to mark a mile stone so that I don't turn back to the way I was. As expected, my parents aren't letting me shift. I don't say it's a bad thing. Because I'm now even all the more determined to start working in about six months time. Also, I have started to rock the boat once again. Mildly, not a big huge wave though. How strange that it feels exactly like what happened 2 years ago. Only now I'm not stupid enough to fall into the same trap as I did. I promise I will not, no matter how hard I'm going to rock these gentle waters this time. More about that when I'm in the mood. As for now, I've gotten Sunil to give me moral support for my DRASTIC CHANGE process.

Yeap, say good bye to my long darling tresses. You have done me well. Maybe I'll see you again, maybe I'll not. But I know I will miss you. All the combing, all the washing, all the blow drying, all the fuss and everything. My angled bob will be a fling. You will be my true love. Lol!

And so, why Sunil of all people. Because he is the only one who can talk me into/ out of/ through everything and anything. That's why he makes up for good moral support. Let's see if I do get it through this time. I've always sat on the idea. So I better do it now before I start doubting again. Oh, I so know I'm going to regret this when I get back. Well, at least I'll still have perfect eyebrows!

I am Jane the procrastinator

Some habits never die. Like how I like to procrastinate. It's almost dusk now. And I'm still awake. After my test which supposedly ended at 9.50pm (obviously I didn't really know what else to write so I left early), I stared at this flat thing beside my bed I call the laptop (I'm thinking of other names to call it since it obviously is EVIL) and have never left it's side (except for the one hour break to talk to my beau) ever since. I have to wake up at 10am tomorrow because I've promised my friends that we'd go to IKEA and pig out (oh, dear..there goes weeks of detoxification) as a form of relaxation since we were all killed by different lecturers. This test was particularly bad because I have been slacking. I need to start bucking up (Ohmigosh, I sound like Jo Ann, no offence).

So, from now onwards, I shall not skip Ms Pushpa's class (or whatever remainder there is *two weeks, Jane, just two more weeks**and then the dreadful mock exams!!!), I shall continue detoxing (after I satisfy myself tomorrow), and I shall start reading over my notes, no matter how much I hate Marcus.

About detoxing, I don't have any medical opinion on it, but from my experience (or rather the lack of it), it really is something good. I have no idea what has gotten into me, but I've become a little bit health conscious nowadays. Just a little bit. Those days, I just threw caution to the wind, ate when I felt like eating, starve when I felt like starving, and consume whatever I that caught my eyes.

This whole detox thing started way before I knew I was doing it. Last semester, while I was on my vege-only diet, for reasons not to be disclosed, I started purging like mad. Although strangely, it made me very thirsty, and I had this habit of drinking Loong Cheng tea because it was the only thing that could wash away the after taste of Coffee in my mouth. Of course, I did lose a bit of weight (all of which was gained back right after), but I felt much more refreshed. I slept less, I craved less and I was alert (according to Peter, I have a very short attention span, although I don't deny).

About a week ago, I decided to give this detoxification thing a try, since I remembered Min Huey from my HMC days only drinking organic apple juice with that powdery substance that I used to play/ help him put into his juice. I will not tell you the outcome because it is DISGUSTING. And Min Huey is a person who can describe events VERY PARTICULARLY. So, I shall be the saint here and save you of that distress.

And of course, to make use of the internet, I went to google the topic. What I got was gazillions of pharmaceutical companies promoting their detoxification teas. I also read a comment from one of the users that consumers should be very careful to check for laxatives which give the supposed 'detoxing through purging' effect. I kept reading and found out that it was exactly what I felt when I was on the vege-only diet. And so, I have decided that it should be a monthly thing just to clear my system of all the toxic MSG, carbonated oil and what nots.

Having a blender is very helpful too, except for the fact that I like to blend everything with ice-cream (any alternatives?). I blended watermelon with vanilla ice-cream, I blended honey dew with vanilla ice-cream, I blended coffee and chocolate ice-cream, I blended chocolate with vanilla ice-cream and oats. I blend everything nowadays! I must say I'm having fun. So if you have any suggestions of what I can blend together (please make it edible), I'm open to ideas.

On another note, I was so bored, I was going through my friends from HMC 's blogs. Among which was Adelias. And I came upon this picture:


And then, being the narcissistic me, I stared and stared and wished that I could have the body I had back then. I was neither too skinny or too fat. Although I had no muscles what so ever, and I was jelly-ish, I could fit into ANYTHING!! And I mean anything. Trust me, I pushed my limit, I had none.

I know, No-Action-Talk-Only will take me no where, and so, I shall give up one meal a day. So, please don't tempt me with food. I already have a hard time controlling myself. I love food, but I want my body back as well. I don't want this sad excuse of a body of which I have to cover up everyday. It sucks to be able to see nice clothes but not being able to buy them and wear them. And so, if you ask me to choose between food and clothes, I think I'd choose clothes. I think that's like the most bimbotic statement I've ever made, but tell me which girl isn't vain and I'll show you a frog under a coconut shell. You know how they say that pretty girls always get treated better than the not-so? Deny all you want, fight all you want, but in reality, it does happen. Don't blame the parents, blame society and those who impose this stupid sense of aesthetic need in us. I, for one, don't wish to abuse myself, but I don't really fancy people taking me lightly or just passing me off as well. Stupid I know, but it's a cold hard fact. How stupid it is that I must let people notice me before they take me seriously? You may have a different experience, but that's you altogether. This has been my experience, and this is my conclusion. After all, they don't ask you to submit photos with your resume for nothing you know.

On a lighter side, here are other old photos. I'm still staring and wishing hard!!

Stick thin then, Guat Lee, I know you might never read this, but I miss you a lot

Somebody thought it'd be cool to take a picture of Sharon and I looking like Chinese-national girls-who-can't-find-better-job-than-you-know-what

I just like this picture because of how Boon Woei hated the whole idea. This was taken the night they all came over.

All the girls from our first group in HMC.

Also, Meiyuin and I have been busy uploading photos on the Convent group we made in Facebook. Facebook is EVIL!!! Yawn...I'm sleepy. I'm going to sleep until Angeline wakes me up..Hehe..And then I'm going to get a scolding from her.

Last but not least, I've come to this point of my life when I feel like making amends with everyone. But I'm still stubborn enough to let that part of me control my ego. It all started with Guat Lee, and now it is spreading. However, although I feel that way, part of me also tells me that there are certain friends of whom I shouldn't even bother obliging. No, I'm not saying that I want to break off with my friends whom I find no use of, I'm just saying that I feel like there is no point in keeping in touch or rather TRYING to do so with people who can't be bothered/ treat me like crap/ only come to me when they need my help/ don't trust me/ pretend to like me. I'm not being selfish, am I? I'm just being rationale. Why do I have to oblige to people I don't like? Time and time again I'm reminded that if I help others, they won't only NOT appreciate it, but they'd kick me in the face as well. So, honestly, is it worthwhile to put myself into trouble for such people? You may argue that is what friends are for. But let me tell you that friends will also not let you go through trouble unless they really need to, and even so, they'd always be thankful, never taking you for granted. If I can break free from this, I'm a step closer to breaking free from my mother's reign of terror. I'm just so negative, ain't I?

I am Jane on Exam Eve

As if Sunway Tes messing up the exam timetable forcing me to sit for two papers in one day wasn't bad enough, and my laziness which repelled me from studying didn't add up to the disaster wasn't disastrous enough, my housemates have decided to become hyenas ones again. I believe they are all were-hyenas who only turn noisy when the moon comes out. Not only that, these people have been threatening to bar us peer meager students from the dawn of its birth. An idea just struck me; should I call in sick? As in, get an MC and all? But then again, I have been very discipline in terms of sitting for tests all these while, even though I very much knew before hand that I would fail. There's always mock. And that's when I finally get serious. Thankfully, I do get serious when it comes to the mock exams, although it's just a MOCK exam and I really should literally MOCK it. I'm just being lame, don't mind me.

The thing is, this semester I promised I'd save myself from the agony of having to sit and wonder if I did pass my exams. But if I continue slacking, I just know that it'd be the same thing all over again. Nonetheless, I was very discipline at the beginning of the sem. It's almost three quarters over now and my absent days can be counted on a single hand. Very proud of myself, I must say. But it's time for me to buck up now. The clutching jaws of the exams are drawing near again. And it is getting tougher and tougher by the moment. Although we all know I can bullshit well and the Professional Accountant is a paper which requires a lot of bullshitting (probably that's how I got such good grades the first time), the passing rate is freakishly low, and I do want to pass it the first time around. I feel my dreams which I've painstakingly painted on my study wall coming through one by one, some delayed, but still realisable.

And so, because they are hyenas and I cannot sleep, I might as well study the whole night through and pray I don't collapse or become brain dead by afternoon. Wish me luck!!

P/s: Beau has been bugging me to see his mum. It wasn't that I didn't want to. It's just that everytime she's down, I'm always away. Or even I would have left just before she arrived. And so, last Tuesday, I took the liberty to make a trip to meet the mother of my beau and I must say, I have complete trust in him now when it comes to understanding me. Haha! One of his attempts at 'persuasion' came in a form of an SMS that read "Come lar.. I'm sure you'll like her. She's not like all mothers.. Not all mothers are bad like yours. I give you 'mother back guarantee'. See! So nice..got mother back guarantee some more" or somewhere along that lines. Not that I do have a choice to trade my mother in. She is, after all my mother, what I am and what I'm not is partly because of her. Even though she isn't the most supportive, at least I've benefited by being forced to learn to stand up and fend for myself. For that I'm grateful. So please don't say I'm an ungrateful child (although my mother always uses that on me). Although, the line did crack me up when I first read it. How cute can he be? And yes, beau...you have proven to me that not all mothers are bad. Your life's purpose is fulfilled. You can rest in peace now, mummy's brown-eyed boy. By the way, I've really never met someone so pleasant and unassuming!

Time to hit the books now. Will I be lucky again this time around? I hope the Mr. MO doesn't count my marks wrongly again. BLASPHEMY!!! My next post (once I'm done with my papers) will be on racism. Since that's a huge topic when it comes to me and so many people have raised it to me.

I am sleep deprived Jane

Came back after sending Arvind and Brindha off at the air port, I had freaking eye bags for the first time! That was how tired I was. Came back, Sanjeevi sent us home, I went to college to meet Angeline to get her law notes, did my labelling, watched a movie while doing it, hung around after she finished class. And then went back, just in time for Ezra's 'buka puasa'. Yes. OMG! Ezra of all people fasting. He is obliged to, but he usually doesn't. Apparently he's carrying some emotional burden so apparently he feels the need to fast. Lol. Anyway, had a bloody FULL-filling dinner. Too full for my liking. And then, passed by Topshop and saw like a really good deal so I just grabbed two pieces of clothings and ran out. It only caused me RM39!!Wuthefak right? Pulled Ezra here there and everywhere but he didn't complain one bit! Haha, I never knew guys liked shopping. Although I still prefer dragging Sunil along since he knows my taste. Anyway, this is going to be short because I can't open my eyes anymore. Further more, I haven't done my articles. So off I go. Will continue my great story another day. On a second thought, I think I'll keep it to myself. I don't have to explain myself to anyone after all.

I am Jane, still doing everything except studying

Hello! I'm back again for the second time today, or at least in Jane's time zone. When I wrote the first blog, I was still free of worries (except for coming exams) and was busy blending everything I could think of. Later in the evening, my friend who DOESN'T stay under the hostel management told me that she heard rumours of rent PER PERSON increasing again. And so, as if this was a window of opportunity, I decided to ask around and find out that it WAS true and that a notice had already been issued. My speculation was right. Condo's new rate would be RM650 for twin sharing (outrageous, no?) while penthouse would be RM600. Others do not apply to me. As if their current and in fact, PREVIOUS rate was not high enough. Do they seriously think that our parents print money, or do they want to force us to leave just so that they can accommodate to students whose parents DO print money?Even so, how many students have parents who do print money? Sheer madness. Maybe there will come a day when nobody will even want to step foot in this place. As it is, they have ridiculous rules which hinder us from bringing anyone in except our parents (this includes simblings too). Which is really not logical. For one, any dirty old man can pose as someone's father (yes, they don't bother checking or even questioning if you look old, they just let you walk right in) and come in, rape somebody else's daughter and walk out. On the other hand, if you're an 8-year old, and you have a brother living in the hostel, you are suspicious because they think you can rape 18-22 year-old guys or even intend to steal things from their units. Madness! The reason why they want us out is so that they can check in new students, especially foreigners. For one, new students would mean new fees, extra incremental unnecessary charging for rubbish and students who are more ready to comply with existing rules instead of those who have been staying around and have a higher tendency of breaking the non-sensical rules. If they were to say that my term is over, I'd gladly leave. However, that just isn't the case. Although now that the price is so unreasonably high, I do stand a better chance of convincing my mother. My father agrees with me, although he's still not convinced by my driving skills. My mum has recently gone missing with her friends and will be back on Friday. The reason why I want to move is because I get very agitated when people misuse my things. And I like to keep to myself. There's really nothing wrong with my roommate; at least she keeps to herself and I keep to mine. But I would really enjoy the privacy of being ALONE and being able to sleep naked (Lol. For illustration purposes only. I DO NOT SLEEP NAKED!). Further more, I'd be able to on and off the light as well as adjust the air-cond temperature to my liking. Not that I'm not allowed to do it here, but at least I have more freedom. The thing is, my mother doesn't trust me with freedom anymore. If she could, I bet she'd put a CCTV over my head so that she can see wherever I'm going and whatever I'm doing. She claims that she cannot be bothered anymore, but the fact is she's a control freak, for life. Control freaks don't just let go, they never do. Face it. It's undeniable. Seriously, if she could she'd control everything in my and my brother's life, if she could. As for my brother, he lets her control everything, so much so that she doesn't find it challenging anymore and so-call doesn't wish to control anything anymore. But for me, of course, NOT letting her take control of me makes controlling me so much more challenging and exciting. It's just like telling the kid not to play with fire. The more you tell him not to, the more he wants to. It's vice versa for both of us. In the sense that the more she wants to control me, the more I won't let her; the more I won't let her, the more she wants to. It's a vicious perpetual cycle. The only way to break this cycle is by avoiding her. And by that, I mean staying FAR AWAY (literally and figuratively) from her. It's not like I don't enjoy my mother's company at all. I do, when I haven't seen her for a long time. It's like they say, absence makes the heart fonder. I'm sure not seeing me for a long time makes her miss me as well (G would say that I'm just trying to make myself feel better). I think if I were to make a survey, it'd be almost scientifically proven that the longer I stay away her, the longer it takes before she starts screaming when I see her. All things vice versa. And with that, is it wrong to conclude that we both need our own space? It's not wrong isn't it? Because by not seeing each other, we tend to get on each other's nerves less. But of course she'd deny it since she's traditional and she always plays the "I'm Your Mother" card.

So, my current foreseeable options are:

1. Apartment is a big no-no since it's dirty and it'd be full anyway since everybody (especially those who saw the notice earlier) would have queued up to switch over. I think I'd probably go insane if I had to stay there. *Please please PLEASEE don't let me resort to this.
   
2. Indah Villa looks like a drug addict joint and it's not safe to walk from there. On the other hand, it is also ridiculous to drive a car from there to college since it's quite near.
3. Palmville perhaps? But I found out that it's just as expensive as the condo. Plus, not all units are nicely furnished and of course you have to pay extra for the better furnished ones.
4. SLV where I'm staying is also a big no-no since its occupancy would be also full to the brim because a small single room here costs RM600 which is cheaper than what you pay for a double sharing room PER PERSON. Let's just put it this way, a lot of people agree that privacy is priceless and is even more important than space per se.
5. Angeline and her boyfriend. After all, she is doing the same course as me and my mother would definitely ask about this. But the thing is she stays in SS 18 and staying with her would mean that my parents would expect me to hitch a ride from her instead of letting me drive, which would be inconvenient for the both of us.
6. Wait for Kuan to come back next semester and move in with her, wherever that is. But then again, with the price hike, will she even come back? Not all parents are the same as mine. Mine would "sacrifice" for me, but never fail to remind me that I'm the cause of their sacrifice (but I gave them other better alternatives which they rejected, so it isn't really my fault right?).
7. I want to move to Kota Damansara, specifically Palm Spring. I don't know why. The first time I saw it, I felt an affinity towards it. Plus, they have security guards who actually BOTHER to look at who goes in and out and do you know they have NINE swimming pools?? Plus the rent there is way cheaper than here, and it's a nice quiet, up-coming area. Although the traffic jam (which is avoidable) is horrible there. Other than that, it's near The Curve (hey, don't judge me. Pyramid is right in front of me, okay? Having The Curve nearer to me won't mean that I'll be going there everyday. Although did I mention that this week alone, I've gone to Pyramid five times in a row?) and PLUS highway. I don't think travelling would be a problem. Since I won't be having classes everyday anyway (which makes my staying here even more unreasonable, if you calculate transport and everything). Plus, I'd have a better variety of F.O.O.D. There are a million and one reasons why I want to move there (which includes the fact that KPMG's new office is around that area). And my mother wanted to buy a house here. But seeing the current instability, I don't really think it's a good idea. Further more, I plan NOT to stay in this country. I'm all for change and adaptation.

The other underlying problem is my mother's reaction when she comes to know about this. The last time I told her that I wanted to move, not only did I get a shocking surprise, but I got a great big nagging as a main dish. My mother never forgot what I wrote in 2006. I haven't. But I choose to keep mums about it. Because it was a painful experience for me. I have learnt my lesson and I have moved on. But to my mum, I'm still that same naive stupid girl who let people take advantage of me. Wait until she sees what a cut-throat bitch I can be. I've moved on, she hasn't. And that's the biggest problem I have right now. She just refuses to believe that I've grown up. I don't know how I can show her. Everytime I think about it, I feel like Waverly Jong from Amy Tan's "The JoyLuck Club". I can relate to her exact words. Waverly Jong also plays a corporate bitch in that book. And even though she can stand up to as well as face anything and any one, her mother still remains the only person who can make her cry with just one sentence, or rather, the lack of it. This is the most important lesson I will have to learn in my life. I've learnt how to stand up to my mother, but I have to learn not to let her manipulate my feelings as well as to keep myself composed after hearing whatever she hurls at me. And when I succeed in doing that, I'd know that I've won the war against her. Lillian Too once said in her fortune book that for a person of my birth date, I should stay away from family because even though they mean good, they will be the source of my obstacles. They will be the ones who hinder me from being better and greater than I am. They will be the one who will stop me from realising my full potential as well as from enjoying life's benefits. And I for one, will not let that happen. I am unwilling to let someone get in my way. I refuse to let myself be lesser than what I can be because of somebody else. It's so unfair that somebody will have such a great influence on my fate and I refuse to let that happen. And so, my mother is now my greatest enemy in life, after ACCA, so to speak. I know her reaction when she finds out about what I say. All the self-pity will come out and I will be made to feel bad. And don't you think that she is my biggest obstacle? Can I use self pity against her? Most definitely not because she feels that she is not to be blamed for what ever happens in my life, even if it really is her fault. Simply put, my mother makes decisions for me of which I have to bear the consequences while she feels no remorse at all. Oh, mother, what will I do with you, and what will I be able to do without you (pun intended)?

What I'm facing right now, is exactly the same as our country's political situation right now (I must add that all these politics are really becoming a big distraction to me); uncertain. Anything can happen. We really don't know who is good and who is bad. They say a change is coming, but how certain are you that the change will be one for the better? I do agree that the current situation is going no where else but down hill, but it doesn't mean that the other side will be able to bring it up again. Let's not forget that together with the people who are sick of being mistreated are the people who have been pampered all their lives. They've been given fish for their whole life that when asked to fish all of a sudden, they just refuse to do so and still wait for fish to fall on to their lap. I must add that I am of unsound mind and that these are just my two cents and non-sense, since they're very fond of imprisoning bloggers nowadays. I side no one (except for LKS of which I'm a huge fan), not because I will only side the one with a better chance of winning, but because I don't trust both sides. Unless LKS were given a chance to be PM of which we all know is impossible given the current situation. I don't think I'm being unloyal to my country. I do love my country. I love the mixture of ethnicity, I love the scenery, heck I even love the fact that I can have friends of so many other races (which I find weird because I really do like mixing with other races rather than my own for some weird reason, and for that, should I be considered a traitor of my own race as my dad puts it?) but I don't like how things are done.
All my life, I've had to live and make do with what ever life throws at me; always having to find loopholes, alternatives, back-ups. So much so, I've become quite good at turning an unfavourable situation (such as the price hike), to work in my favour. I'm not afraid of change. The future doesn't scare me, although I don't really like the uncertainty. It's the past that haunts me. It wouldn't be that bad but having a mother like mine who constantly reminds you of your past mistakes is no help at all. Rather, it really is an obstacle because her reminder always puts fear into you. I'm a risk taker. I don't sit and wait for things to happen. I make things happen. And I hurl back whatever is thrown at me. That's the way I've been brought up and that's how I've survived. But my mother considers hurling back whatever she throws at me as disrespectful. But isn't throwing things like that at me disrespectful to me as well?

Long before I saw it on Lim Kit Siang's blog, I've already made up my mind that respect is something that cannot be demanded and it is not something that is in-born, but respect must be earned by each and every one of us. It is that same fateful thought that made him my hero. Because only a humble person who believes that no one is above the law will dare claim such a thing. I may appear as an arrogant person. But I don't really think I am. It's just something I have to put up just so people don't step all over me. The whole damsel in distress thing doesn't work for me at all. For me, it's always been every person for himself, sad to speak. But that doesn't mean I'm not compassionate. I am. I'd help out in any way I can. But if you betray my trust, then I won't even consider you at all. Fair enough?

I impatiently await the day I gain victory over my mother's tyranny. I would like to stress that I'm not an ungrateful child. This is just a war I have to win in order to gain my self confidence, as well as an obstacle I have to overcome on my way to self-realization.

I have only two hours to sleep before Sunil wakes me up to send Arvind and Brindha (they are literally inseparable in the sense that Arvind and Brindha always come together, figuratively and physically) off at KLIA. I still wonder why I can see beyond race while everybody still looks at colour. Aren't we all humans at the end of the day? That, coming from a girl who's terrified of black guys. Irony. I'm not being a hypocrite, okay? Don't judge me. I have my reasons.

P/s: I finally realised something comical. If I were Scrooge (not to say that I'm stingy) then my mother would be the Ghost of Christmas Past and my dad would be the Ghost of Christmas Future (not that I'm calling my parents ghost or hoping that they'd die (touch wood), but it's just a figure of speech. Ah! I'm going to bed for good. Promise I'll study tomorrow.